That you dont do this to a 6 yr old?

[MissesBloom]

First time posting on aibu, so please be gentle.

Have never been concerned before about kids parties, I know my kids will be invited to some and not others, and ds has been no exception. However last week a boy close to ds came running up to him as we were walking out of school waving an invite in his face saying "look...look what ive got!" to us. I smiled and said that's nice, thought nothing more of it.

That night the mum of the boy text me asking me as it was a party for 4 different children should she buy 4 different presents and what was I buying? I explained to her that ds wasnt invited and she said "are you sure? It's a full class party? Sorry I assumed your DS would be going?". I explained again, no DS doesnt have an invite, and that if it were me I'd buy 4 different gifts.

All last week I checked ds bag to make sure he didnt have one, I asked him to check his drawer, still nothing. Then one of the 4 boys confirmed he and the rest of them were apparently not inviting ds. I'm gutted for him tbh. Hes really close to one of them (the one who told him).

He was obviously really upset at not being invited. I stupidly blurted out to ds that in that case the boy wont be going to my sons party next year then (childish I know ) and DS said yes I will still be inviting him mummy and when I asked him why he said "because it's kind". I felt quite stupid at that point I just admit.

Anyway, not sure how to deal with this if doing anything at all. I mean I think its nasty to invite an entire class and not ds. I cant 100% prove that's what they've done and I dont want to look stupid by asking around or checking. Do I just leave it alone and accept that it's their party their choice? Or should I try to find out why? Ds has never had an argument with any of these boys to my knowlege, his teacher says he gets along with everyone and is very pleasant but to be honest hes hardly ever been asked for a play date. I just dont get it he is pleasant and apparently causes no issues at school.

Do I need to just get a grip?

Another option since it’s a mixed yr 1 and 2 class is that they have only invited the year 1 children?

@languages, oh yes, I can see how it would save costs for the parents of the birthday children if they were planning to have a big party (we only invite a few friends and family so do it at home or at the park for our kids) but personally I would actually find it to be a hassle to attend unless my daughter really was friends with all of the children.

At about $20AU a present/card per child that's almost $100 for presents in one weekend (or do people send separate invites normally and you only buy gifts for the person who invited you?), seems like it would actually cost the attending parents more than it would cost the hosting parents.

This happened to my dd in kindergarten. Her bf had a party and invited the entire class except dd and one other child. I was so sure something had gone wrong as dd and this child were truly best friends and played every day and every art project involved them saying how good friends they were. So I actually asked the mum, assuming the invite had gone missing and she had the gall to say that her dd had not mentioned my dd when listing the children she wanted to invite, so my dd was not invited (not sure what was the issue with the other child other than perhaps that she was in foster care and maybe didn't wear the right clothes). It was clearly the mum's issue. She continued to do multiple nasty things to me and my dd over the next few years (until they both disappeared from the school). I never did figure out what I or my dd had done to anger her so much...we'd never had more than a few friendly words and she'd been over for tea once to my house with a few other mums and nothing eventful had happened.

OP your ds sounds like a lovely child and that will serve him well in life despite nasty mums along the way. (At this age you really can only blame this behavior on the parents.)

I would get another mum who's kid is invited who might know the party parents better to ask if they realised that your ds seemed to be the only one not invited.
I had 2 girls without an invite to my DDs party. They were really upset. One approached me before and we sorted it. The other didn't.
It was a misunderstanding as I had put the invites into school for whole class but the top two had fallen down the back of the teacher's desk. She hadn't given them out but asked my dd to put in trays so it wasn't noticed that two were missing.
The one that approached l got her included. The one that didn't I thought she just was a non-reply and a bit pissed off. I put multiple posts on our group chat asking for replies for the party. She didn't respond. I had her party bag ready in case. I finally sent a message the night before just to her. She was delighted that she had been invited but had organised something instead. But her dd wanted to come to the party and it got sorted at the last minute. X

That is quite horrible, if it has genuinely happened that he is the only one excluded from a whole class party.

My DS2 has just had his 6th birthday party, and invited the whole class - this presented me with a problem because 2 of his best friends are Jehovah's Witnesses (plus there's another little girl in the class who is one too) and I didn't want them to feel excluded. I spoke to one of the JW mums and asked if it was better to not give them an invitation at all, or to give one but in the full knowledge that they wouldn't be coming, so they at least didn't feel left out? Only because it's kindergarten, first year of school and they're still so little - wouldn't worry so much in older children. She said (the JW mum) that giving the invitations was fine and not offensive, so we did.

I just can't imagine having a whole class party and deliberately excluding one child. :(

Why was one of the four boys waiving an invite to his own party?

Oh hang on, different boy? Wha a horrid thing for them to do.

Stoppinby - that's a tough one, isn't it - my Ds1 has been to a joint party before, but he didn't know the other child at all, so we only took a present for the child who invited him. Harder when they're all in the same class and your child would at least know them, even if they weren't exactly friends.

Really sorry this has happened to you OP and I think your son is handling it really well. It's always harder for the parents I think!

I don't understand why whole class parties are even a thing. Not all the children are friends and at 6 most are aware of the kids they like/dislike and what their reasons are for it. Some of the reasons might be childish but they are still valid!

We recently had a party and invited 10 out of the class of 26. Children that our DD actually likes and plays with frequently both outside and at school.

I think its important that children understand that it is OK not to be friends with everyone. People are different even as children and it's perfectly healthy to have strong friendship feelings towards some and none towards others.

I hope that it is an oversight however if your boy isn't too upset then try and ignore the pettiness.

You need to get to the bottom of this.

You're jumping the gun op, you don't have the full facts ..just ask parents if the party kids? If you really cat, then ask the teacher. Mistakes happen with invites to parties all of the time.

Is your DS new to the school? Maybe he isn't on the class list yet?
Can you check with the teacher? If there is nothing that you can actually put our finger on, I think you will have to crack out the tinkly laugh. It would really kill me not to know. You could say that you realise he hasn't been invited, and is there a reason? Good luck OP - i'm wincing on your behalf.

It would be extremely cruel to invite the whole class except one. You describe your DS as a lovely, thoughtful boy who is good friends with the birthday children.

I would be intrigued if one of mine was the only one not invited to a class party and would want to know why. You say one of the other mums called you to ask how many presents you would be buying. Would she be willing to 'innocently' mention that her DS mentioned that your DS hadn't been invited? If it's a mix up at least it gives the parent a chance to include your DS. If parent agrees with friend that your DS hasn't been invited then at least you'll know. She may (or may not) give your friend a reason.

I hope it's a misunderstanding OP

Yes hope this is a mistake.
In terms of him being a nice boy but not being invited often to things - are most having smaller parties? If yes it just means that although your son might get on fine with lots of kids, he is not a best friend. It does not mean there is anything wrong as such.

The chances are it’s a mistake. You really need to find out. You don’t need to know the other Mums well to ask if he’s been invited or not.

Your son sounds lovely OP but what a horrible experience for him.

Could it be that the other parents have something against you rather than your son?

Maybe animal but I dont see how, weve never really spoken. Or maybe their silence is a hint? I've no idea though, I try to smile and make small conversations but it's never more than a couple of words exchanged. In the old class I was sort of friendly with almost all the mums. Friendly enough that we still go for coffees together, but lots of their kids have moved to another class.

Sarf no ds isnt new he was there from reception so nothing like that.

BumsexAtTheBingo definitely not just the new half of the class as the boy who took great delight in telling my ds is an original class member and also pally with my son. Plus ds named all the other boys from his original class, they're all going

Will try and have a dig this morning with the invite wavers mum. Shes good at being assertive so if I can catch her I might be able to ask her to do some very gentle digging.

Have asked ds this morning and hes said a little more. He thinks its the new boys were going to just invite all of their old class that have moved with them, not ds's class that have joined them. Obviously some of them wanted to invite some of ds's classmates too and have just chosen the ones they wanted, which I guess is fair enough.

Still unsure as to how many of ds classmates are Invited but not my concern now I suppose. Seems unlikely to be all but him but will still try and find out.

I didnt make a big deal of it anyway and said "dont worry ds, we'll have a special day and do something lovely". He wants to go to the cinema and eat popcorn and hot dogs apparently and he doesnt seem too put out by it, as long as hes happy I'm happy.

Aww bless him op. You have a lovely little boy!

So it is not a full class party? Then I wouldn’t take it further, yes organize something fun for your DS, but don’t bring it up with school or parents!

I have spoken to another mum today whose child is also having a party (and thankfully ds is invited to this one). Her son is another that have joined from other class. Shes had quite a lot of trouble getting all the names of ds's classmates as the school wont provide her with a copy of the names list.

Wondering if this is what happened with the other party. Or just ds not invited. Hes not at all bothered now so I'm not. I reckon the other lady has it wrong about it being a whole class party. There is no real way of asking, and I dont want to as it looks grabby and weird of me if weve been wrong and theres a load not invited.

Honestly, if your son is not that bothered, then you need to step back from this, or you will make him bothered!

I always tried to keep out of my children's differences with peers; just tried to give them the tools to deal with it themselves.

Hopefully it's an oversight. We missed one boy by accident as he'd joined after term started and was missed off the list of names. That wee boy had a few issues and was the one that needed to be included most of all! I apologised profusely to his mum when I found out, she was very understanding. Actually, her DS and mine ended up good pals, and me and the mum did as well.

You’re overly invested in this. Confronting the mums FFS! It’s the parents choice to have a party and not invite your child. The most important thing is how you support your child to deal with it. He sounds accepting, which is appropriate. Life is full of things like this and his resilience is key. Save speaking up and role modelling assertive behaviour for when it’s appropriate

I'm not over invested, as I've said, its been dropped. My son isnt worried, I'm not worried. I didn't confront anyone (as I said before) as I dont want to look like a weirdo.

Another mum has repeatedly asked me why my son isnt invited, did I know it was a whole class party etc etc and to be honest it made me cross because of the picture she painted. In reality the boys can invite who they like. If however they chose to invite all but my child I think I'd find it hard not to let them know it was cruel.

I dont think that this is the case here. And my son isnt bothered, infact hes just been invited to a different party so he's chuffed to bits.