That you dont do this to a 6 yr old?

[MissesBloom]

First time posting on aibu, so please be gentle.

Have never been concerned before about kids parties, I know my kids will be invited to some and not others, and ds has been no exception. However last week a boy close to ds came running up to him as we were walking out of school waving an invite in his face saying "look...look what ive got!" to us. I smiled and said that's nice, thought nothing more of it.

That night the mum of the boy text me asking me as it was a party for 4 different children should she buy 4 different presents and what was I buying? I explained to her that ds wasnt invited and she said "are you sure? It's a full class party? Sorry I assumed your DS would be going?". I explained again, no DS doesnt have an invite, and that if it were me I'd buy 4 different gifts.

All last week I checked ds bag to make sure he didnt have one, I asked him to check his drawer, still nothing. Then one of the 4 boys confirmed he and the rest of them were apparently not inviting ds. I'm gutted for him tbh. Hes really close to one of them (the one who told him).

He was obviously really upset at not being invited. I stupidly blurted out to ds that in that case the boy wont be going to my sons party next year then (childish I know ) and DS said yes I will still be inviting him mummy and when I asked him why he said "because it's kind". I felt quite stupid at that point I just admit.

Anyway, not sure how to deal with this if doing anything at all. I mean I think its nasty to invite an entire class and not ds. I cant 100% prove that's what they've done and I dont want to look stupid by asking around or checking. Do I just leave it alone and accept that it's their party their choice? Or should I try to find out why? Ds has never had an argument with any of these boys to my knowlege, his teacher says he gets along with everyone and is very pleasant but to be honest hes hardly ever been asked for a play date. I just dont get it he is pleasant and apparently causes no issues at school.

Do I need to just get a grip?

Is the mum trying to stir up drama?

Glad he’s been invited to another party

Yes, of course they are "entitled" to invite whom they want, free country and all, that doesn't mean their choice is a good one, after all we are all entitled to be arseholes!

OP, I think it is likely a mistake, we had a near miss this year with my youngest's party, similar age, turning 7, he invited about half his class (no limits on numbers on our part since it was in a rented hall, so could have had more, but that was his list), but he wanted to invite his friends from basketball club

I checked the list and he had left out just two people, the one girl in his team and one boy who happens to be the worst player in the team, his reason for this was that these two have just joined this year and he does not play with them outside of club, but can you imagine how it could have looked?

Just two left out from the whole team and both where upsetting reasons may have been inferred by the parents (the only girl's mother has told me when they joined that she was worried she would be excluded socially as the only girl, and the other mother is quite painfully aware that her boy has not yet developed skills on a par with the rest of the team, and though none of the boys care and they all have fun anyway she feared he may be teased or singled out), needless to say, I explained this to my DS and the whole team was invited!

I am shocked that some parents would have a whole class party and exclude one child - I would really hope that this was an accident/oversight rather than the deliberate nastiness it looks like.

@MissesBloom - your ds sounds like a lovely boy, and very level headed too, and I hope you and he have a wonderful trip to the cinema.

My ds2 was like @BlitheringIdiot's ds - he struggled to make friends at primary school, and in the first couple of years of secondary school too, but then one year he got involved in the school musical, and almost overnight his friendship group went from tiny to enormous - he'd found his people - and from then on, he hasn't looked back. He also got involved in hockey, and played and umpired at university, and now he not only has a big group of hockey mad friends, but he is in demand as a National Level 1 umpire.

Your son is being the bigger person here. Follow his example

Our school has a rule that you can’t do this - it’s whole class or small group only

I don't understand - how can the school legislate what happens in privately arranged events that happen out of school time?

I think the other mum was genuinely shocked as she thought my son was close with party boy. I think ds was shocked too but he understands you wont get an invite to every party, weve always told him this. I was more angry at it being a whole class thing and just not ds. The more it's gone on the more I've realised it's not as the other mum made out. Three of the 4 party kids are from the other class, so makes a lot more sense now. I understand it's not my place to decide who invites who to a party, this just seemed a special circumstance and made me a little defensive of my ds. I've sat back and waited to see how it played out as I know reacting to every little thing wont help ds, and I couldn't guarantee the other mum was right about it being all the kids invited.

Missperegrine i can imagine it's much easier for it to happen when you're also inviting kids from outside school, and inviting the extra two definitely seems fair.

Thanks STDG hes brilliant, he has his moments (mostly with me ) but is a kind and considerate child, and his teacher sings his praises so hopefully thats a good sign. Sounds like your DS is doing great! I'm hoping ds gets through primary unscathed but secondary is a terrifying prospect although at least no party politics to go through there

I'm definitely going to make sure we invite some kids over for play dates soon too to give him a little help

I'm always amazed by the people who say "they can invite who they like". There are lots of things that you are legally permitted to do that would be very unkind and if you do them make you a massive arsehole. You are permitted to invite 28 out of 30 kids to a party but the other parents are also permitted to think you're nasty and unpleasant. Being allowed to do something doesn't give you the right to do it without criticism.

party boy

Sorry that just made me lol, anyone else remember party boy from jackass?!! Just me?! I'll get my coat!

SheCame they can't police it obviously. I guess it's more a recommendation than a rule. But makes it clear that it is Not Ok to leave one or two out, to any parents who might not have thought about it.

At DSs' school, the kindy teacher asks you to give her the invitations so she can put them in the children's book folders (where all notes home go) - she would then notice if, say, only 1 or 2 kids were left out. She might then say something about it along the lines of "did you realise you'd left X and Y out?" if it was a school where they disapproved of such things happening.

At my school our policy is to only give invitations out into book bags if they are for the whole class - people are obviously welcome to have parties and only invite some, but they then have to give the invites out outside the classroom (in playground or similar) - this way it avoids it being too obvious for children who may have not been invited, noticing that some have envelopes and other don't when they're all getting their hometime things together.
We've had parents complain this is a pain for them if they then have to track down parents in the playground - but having seen the way children are so observant at spotting who has what, and the crushed faces when some gleefully announce their envelopes (infant school), that motivated our decision.