That you dont do this to a 6 yr old?

[MissesBloom]

First time posting on aibu, so please be gentle.

Have never been concerned before about kids parties, I know my kids will be invited to some and not others, and ds has been no exception. However last week a boy close to ds came running up to him as we were walking out of school waving an invite in his face saying "look...look what ive got!" to us. I smiled and said that's nice, thought nothing more of it.

That night the mum of the boy text me asking me as it was a party for 4 different children should she buy 4 different presents and what was I buying? I explained to her that ds wasnt invited and she said "are you sure? It's a full class party? Sorry I assumed your DS would be going?". I explained again, no DS doesnt have an invite, and that if it were me I'd buy 4 different gifts.

All last week I checked ds bag to make sure he didnt have one, I asked him to check his drawer, still nothing. Then one of the 4 boys confirmed he and the rest of them were apparently not inviting ds. I'm gutted for him tbh. Hes really close to one of them (the one who told him).

He was obviously really upset at not being invited. I stupidly blurted out to ds that in that case the boy wont be going to my sons party next year then (childish I know ) and DS said yes I will still be inviting him mummy and when I asked him why he said "because it's kind". I felt quite stupid at that point I just admit.

Anyway, not sure how to deal with this if doing anything at all. I mean I think its nasty to invite an entire class and not ds. I cant 100% prove that's what they've done and I dont want to look stupid by asking around or checking. Do I just leave it alone and accept that it's their party their choice? Or should I try to find out why? Ds has never had an argument with any of these boys to my knowlege, his teacher says he gets along with everyone and is very pleasant but to be honest hes hardly ever been asked for a play date. I just dont get it he is pleasant and apparently causes no issues at school.

Do I need to just get a grip?

My DS12 got left out of most 'all
Class' parties and as was only 15 in his year then it was noticeable. I didn't say a word. At senior school he's found his 'gang' and is a very happy popular boy

Honestly - I would speak to one of the mums (preferably email so as not to put on the spot) as I find it highly unlikely that 4 boys sharing a party have invited all but your DS. I know it’s not the done thing on here generally but in my experience whole class with one left out is almost always a mistake. I used to nod along with the tone on here of oh how mean and just leave it until I sent out invites to all but one child for an all class party last year completely inadvertently. Luckily the mum emailed me to check and we sorted it out immediately and I was so so relieved she had otherwise the poor child would have been left out. Equally if this child had not been invited I would have given the reason. I really really struggle to believe that 4 mums at a shared party have clubbed together to decide not to invite only your child so I would drop an apologetic email to check. They may come back and say it’s not all class but if it is then I bet it’s just an oversight. Most parents in most schools are not that cruel.

Very nasty behaviour from the parents, just shows you their mentality. Your ds sounds wonderful, bet their jealous of him.

I too would question whether it really was a whole class party, I would also question just why my child was left out.

It might seem mean but there is most likely more to the story, if 4 kids are having the party (which I actually find a bit weird to be honest, maybe someone can shed some light on why 4 separate families might have a joint party?) then either they are really good friends and have ganged up on him for some reason just to be nasty or unfortunately it does cross my mind that they may have set separate invitation lists and none of them are friends with him.

Alternatively, as a parent I don't know all the kids in my child's class and wouldn't realise if I had accidently left one out if I had a class party and one child was missed. I would want to know so I could fix it in this case.

I just wanted to add that your child sounds so sweet by the way, saying that he still wanted to invite the children to his party as it was the kind thing to do.... clearly a kind hearted child by nature.

stoppinby there are loads of joint parties often for 3 or 4 children with close birthdays round here - saves all of us having to go to endless parties on consecutive days or weekends or party clashes. Also saves costs.

Blithering im happy your ds has found a nice crowd. Awful that he was left out for so long, but says way more about those kids and their parents. Their loss I guess.

Spots, I dont know the mums at all. Have never done more than smile at them (even the one that ds plays with at playtime every single day). I've tried smiling, initiating conversation, but they seem to not want to mix with the rest of us (maybe because their kids were in another class last year and the mums have become close). I cant just ask them outright as weve never even had a conversation. Also when I'm there at pickup her parents usually pick up her son. It's really awkward.

I really doubt it's a whole class party and that different sets of parents could conspire to be such !"£$$*s. Could it be that each child invited a few friends, so there are quite a few attendees but not the whole class? Or quite a few from the other "half" of the mixed class group?

OP if it’s awkward then I would mention it to the teacher, she will either have insight or be able to mention it to one of the parents I would imagine. Don’t just leave it, if it is genuinely an all class party then it will be a mistake. I doubt they don’t want to mix with the rest of you, it’s just human nature to hang with people you know at the gates.

Your son sounds amazingly mature for 6. Sometimes you see children that are so lovely that they get along with everybody, but aren’t special friends with anybody because they are psychologically beyond their peers (not necessarily academically) sometimes, in a couple of years, when other children mature, they find that close knit group.

It's very mean of them - horrible to do it to a little boy. Hopefully it's a mistake.

I wouldn't speak to the mums either but would speak to the class teacher to ask her to keep an eye on him & she can stamp out any bullying behaviour (if there's any happening).

I hate these so much ... poor kid must feel so upset, although he's not showing it - this just shouldn't happen

Yep I've heard of multiple kids sharing parties, and they've always been a whole class deal. It saves on cost of hall hire etc.

Ds is definitely a kind boy, he taught me a lesson to be honest that it's not worth retaliating over. The fact that a 6 year old has a better grasp of that than me was an eye opener. He adores his little group of friends at school and other kids in general. He has a little sister who adores him, and he does her, when it's his birthday he insists she opens half his presents with him so she wont be left out. Hes just a diamond honestly.

Really hoping it's a mistake.

It could very easily be a mistake. I’ve had joint parties before and shared the invitation writing with the other child’s parent. With 4 lots of parents and a big guest list it would be easy to make a mistake. I would say something along the lines of you’d been told by another parent that it is a whole class party and you wanted to check in case they thought you were rude etc

maybe because they all think you left their child out last year when you only had five friends?

It does sound off - if it's a whole class party, then perhaps 1 or 2 sets of parents might chose to leave out your DS, but the others would want an explaination, unless they don't know? (could one set of parents be incharge of doing the invites and the others thought it's just going to everyone?)

I think if it really is a 'whole class party' except for your DS, then you wouldn't be unreasonable to ask why he's being left out. If there's one of the 4 sets of parents you get on best with, could you ask if your DS has done something wrong you don't know about, because for him to be left out of a whole class party, suggests he has been badly behaved, and you'd like to know so you can deal with it.

It could be that it's not a whole class party, or perhaps something like each child having 5 invites each, but once you include those 4 children, that makes 29 of a 30 class party and noone thought about that...

But YANBU to ask - genuine "whole class parties" usually only leave out a child if they are poorly behaved/a bully, and if your DS is that child, you need to know about it. If it's that they are just mean, then it's worth knowing about it as well to avoid!

If it is deliberate and not an over site
then not only Is it nastiness it's also a type bullying (exclusion does come under bullying).
You don't have to answer butWhat do you feel like inside, op. I wouldn't mind betting you feel like running up to the parents and screaming. "What the fucks the matter with my child"
You wouldn't be a mother if you didn't.
Its okay people coming out with that usual chestnut (probably said by parents whose little poppits get in everywhere and have never the hurt exclusion causes) It teaches them a life lesson that they can't be invited to every party. Yes we know that. However no one can deny the fact that invite the whole class to a party aside from one is fuckin wicked.

oh and yes, joint parties are a thing round here too - particularly with one of the other classes in my DC1's year when there's 4 boys in the class who were all born within 10 days of each other - the alternative is the parents risking clashing events.

I agree ordinary it does sound weird. I just need to ask around I think and find out more first before I confront anyone. I also agree that if there is something ds has done I'd like to know so I can deal with it. Far better to know than be kept in the dark.

Blackeyed it was a different class last year so ds had no idea who the 4 boys were. They were in reception whilst ds was in yr 1. Also he chose 5 kids not 29 out of 30 not quite the same.

I had a parent approach me about her dd not being invited to a party.She had been invited(not a whole class thing but a big friendship group) but sadly they didn't ask until after the event.She said that her dd normally came to our party so had the girls fallen out.dd took her party bag to school for her and we arranged a play date.
It is worth asking,the worst they can say is no so nothing lost.

Awwlook I do feel like that I know the grown up thing is to think its a lesson and not to show ds that it's made me angry. Inside though when you hear your child isnt invited to something its like a punch to the gut. I feel instantly defensive of him and a little heartbroken. I'm quite a reactive person and find it hard not to lash out sometimes. I'd look pretty silly if I went steaming in to have a go and then realise it was an honest mistake. If I find out otherwise though I may have trouble keeping a lid on it.

you dont get this with home ed everyone we have come across that does this are accepting and friendly)

rubbish, there are unpleasant people in every walk of life and every group. I have never met anyone like this in my own childrens' schools but that doesn't mean I don't believe they exist.

It's possible that the adults think your DS is invited, but one of the boys didn't give the invitation to him (It seems like the leaving out was very ostentatious on their part).
I did this as a child at a similar age. We invited all the girls in class. There was one I didn't like for some reason so I didn't give her the invite. It came to light and I still remember how ashamed I felt when my mother told me off for it.
Kids do stuff like that unfortunately. It's quite possible the adults don't know.
It's a bit delicate but I'd try and ask in a casual way to see if he was meant to be going.

I really hope this is a mistake OP because four different parents doing that would be utterly fucking evil!

If your ds is a sweet little boy there’s no way 4 parents would have all agreed to exclude him.
There are 3 options 1) Your child is picking on others slyly at playtime and the staff aren’t aware 2) The invitation is lost 3) The other mum is wrong and it isn’t a whole class party.
I think 3 is the most likely. How would the other mum know. It’s not like the mums would have gone around announcing it was a whole class party (when it’s not) and I doubt she’s asked everyone. She probably knows that a few are going and assumed.
As a side note I think it’s really poor form to have a joint party for 4 kids! By the time you’ve bought a present for them all you’ll have spent more han any of the mums will have spent to host their own kids party! I’ve been to joint parties of 2 kids before but 4 takes the piss imo. Spend the money you’re saving on something nice for your ds!