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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really disappointed that DP didnt come with me

96 replies

Stubbornuincorn · 11/11/2018 16:43

DP refused to come to the Rememberance service with me this morning. He chose to go to the gym instead. It’s really got to me so I’m just wondering if I’m being U.

I was brought up to always pay my respects on 11/11. My brother is in the armed forces and I had relatives in both world wars so it means a lot to me and I told him that so I just feel shit that the gym was more important. It comes above most things in our life and I don’t often moan but today I feel let down.

AIBU?

OP posts:
JudasPrudy · 11/11/2018 16:44

I'm not sure that it has to be important to him because it's important to you? What did he say when you told him how you felt about it?

PurpleDaisies · 11/11/2018 16:45

I think you are. It’s a personal decision and it’s much better that people aren’t put under pressure to have to wear a poppy or attend acts of remembrance.

Weren’t the soldiers fighting for freedom?

Original poster
Stubbornuincorn · 11/11/2018 16:46

I thought people might say that. I guess it upsets me as well that he doesn’t think it’s important!

OP posts:
RayRayBidet · 11/11/2018 16:46

YABU

Lazypuppy · 11/11/2018 16:46

YABU. Completely personal decision

janisposh · 11/11/2018 16:47

I was brought up to always pay my respects on 11/11. My brother is in the armed forces and I had relatives in both world wars so it means a lot to me

But not to him. That's ok. Rather people who went were there because they chose, not because their partner made them go.

TatterdemalionAspie · 11/11/2018 16:49

You should pair up with this guy - you and he can go to the rememberance ceremonies and pay your respects together, and your partners can go off and swim/gym together.

Titsywoo · 11/11/2018 16:51

I went by myself this morning. Asked if anyone wanted to come along and they all said no. I don't think it's a big deal. Not everyone wants to go to a service. I know all of them have great respect for our armed forces and those who died. They don't have to come and stand in the pouring rain to prove that!

IHaveBrilloHair · 11/11/2018 16:51

My Dad would be 93 if he was still alive, you do the Maths.
I did nothing for Remerberance Sunday because I dont need a day to tell me.

SuchAToDo · 11/11/2018 16:52

Yabu, you can't force someone to pay respects, it's meaningless if you do, it only means something if they genuinely want to pay their respects...

It means something to you because of your family in both world wars, I had a grandfather in army in world war 2 so I too paid my respects...

But if he has no links it may not have the same sentimental value,

You could try and get him more interested by watching some documentaries/movies based in the wars, so it gives him an idea of what life was like back then and gives you both a starting point to talk about it,

Original poster
Stubbornuincorn · 11/11/2018 16:53

Kind of Shock at one of the first comments on there saying remembrance bores them stiff.

I was in the brownies as a kid so always took part in the rememberance parade, usually against my will as I didn’t really understand, but my mum always made me go and now I understand why.

DP and I don’t have children yet but if we did I’d try and get them to acknowledge it too - lots of kids there today!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 11/11/2018 16:54

You could try and get him more interested by watching some documentaries/movies based in the wars, so it gives him an idea of what life was like back then and gives you both a starting point to talk about it

I can’t think of anything worse. Confused

Why not accept he just isn’t interested? That’s his right.

RayRayBidet · 11/11/2018 16:59

Who said it bored them?

Original poster
Stubbornuincorn · 11/11/2018 16:59

To be completely honest, even more so after reading some of that other thread, I’m completely disgusted that he, and anyone else could be ‘completely uninterested’. It’s important to acknowledge what others went through in order for us to have the freedom to just live our lives. A 30 min ceremony once a year isn’t much I don’t think.

Clearly being very unreasonable though. Okay!

OP posts:
Original poster
Stubbornuincorn · 11/11/2018 17:00

@Rayraybidet one of the first few comments on the other thread someone linked above

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 11/11/2018 17:03

It's his choice if he wants to acknowledge it
Sounds like the gym comes first a lot though so maybe that's your real problem

MabelFurball · 11/11/2018 17:03

No. I agree with you OP. YANBU.

RayRayBidet · 11/11/2018 17:05

Ah OK, I thought you meant on this one.
Look I think that it doesn't mean the same to everyone. The freedom the soldiers fought for is the freedom to attend a service or not, wear a red poppy, a white poppy or no poppy.
It doesn't make someone a bad person not to go.

JacquesHammer · 11/11/2018 17:07

YABU

I won’t go to the Remembrance Service. I do however remember in my own way.

LuggsaysNotaWomen · 11/11/2018 17:07

He would only be unreasonable if he insisted you shouldn’t go.

Not everybody thinks like you - this is what freedom looks like. If you don’t appreciate his right to ignore the day, you really don’t respect the sacrifice that others made for that freedom.

JupiterDrops · 11/11/2018 17:12

I pay respects in my own way but I wouldn't go to a remembrance service as I'm an atheist and don't like the religious element to the day. He's not unreasonable at all not to go with you.

19lottie82 · 11/11/2018 17:12

YABU. As pp have said, it’s a personal choice. Just because he doesn’t attend a service donation mean he’s disrespecting you or your family.

DesdemonasHandkerchief · 11/11/2018 17:15

YANBU. He wasn't respecting you or your family he was at the gym. This isn't what freedom looks like it's what apathy looks like.

MrsStrowman · 11/11/2018 17:16

People pay their respects in different ways, DH and I both do some volunteer work with a local veterans charity, including legal, housing and employment advice, we understand the impact of war, we'll always respect the silence but we don't always go to a formal service, we didn't today. YABU to impose your method of remembrance on someone else.

Goldmandra · 11/11/2018 17:16

I couldn't be more aware of the awful impact warfare causes or of the bravery of those who have given their lives, including members of my family.

I have done a lot of thinking over the past four years of what had been going on 100 years ago. I've paid tribute in my own way to those who died and those who survived. I don't need an 'occasion' to remind me to think about it.

I fully appreciate that these ceremonies are important to others but I don't see the point in pressuring anyone to attend. We pay our respects in our own way and no way is less valid.