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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really disappointed that DP didnt come with me

96 replies

Stubbornuincorn · 11/11/2018 16:43

DP refused to come to the Rememberance service with me this morning. He chose to go to the gym instead. It’s really got to me so I’m just wondering if I’m being U.

I was brought up to always pay my respects on 11/11. My brother is in the armed forces and I had relatives in both world wars so it means a lot to me and I told him that so I just feel shit that the gym was more important. It comes above most things in our life and I don’t often moan but today I feel let down.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Stubbornuincorn · 11/11/2018 17:34

@Ragwort - We were away last year so we didn’t go to the service but we did observe the silence. And yes we discussed it yesterday and he said no because he would need to be at the gym. I just brought it up again this morning because like I said, it means a lot to me.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 11/11/2018 17:36

Was there a 2 minute silence at the gym? Most places do them.

luckylavender · 11/11/2018 17:37

You don't have to go to a public service to remember either. It's completely personal.

JacquesHammer · 11/11/2018 17:38

Yanbu Men woman and animals (purple poppy) died to keep the freedom we enjoy today

Doesn’t that include the freedom to remember as an individual?

janisposh · 11/11/2018 17:40

People who say it bores them really are incrediably ignorant.

Are they? Are they really?

Being bored by a remembrance service doesn't mean people know nothing about it.

2 absolutely separate things.

RebelWitchFace · 11/11/2018 17:41

If he puts the gym above you/family/relationship often then that's the real issue that you need to tackle.

Bluntness100 · 11/11/2018 17:42

You seem to think if something means a lot to you, it should mean a lot to him, like he has no right to be him anymore. He is simply an extension of you.

If It's important to you. You go. You don't force your partner or your kids to do so, people show their respects in different ways. It is not up to you to decide what that way is,

MamaLovesMango · 11/11/2018 17:43

I’m a bit relieved people are talking about the religious aspect on this thread.

My DD wanted to go to the village procession and 2 minute silence at the memorial today, so I took her. I’m humanist and usually quite happy to sit through church services for school and support DD on whatever religion she decides she is on any given day (she’s 5 and super curious) but even I felt uncomfortable at how religious the whole thing was. It felt almost exclusive and honestly, rather hypocritical. I was actually interested to learn today that in France there are strict rules around keeping memorials and religion seperate. I can see why now.

I don’t usually go out of my way to join in with remembrance events. I observe the 2 minute silence in my own way, with my own thoughts and feelings. I think that’ll be continuing next year.

Moussemoose · 11/11/2018 17:43

You can't force people.

However, in a relationship you would hope your partner would support something that was important to you.

Those saying the OP is being unreasonable do you never hope for support from your partner when you do something that matters a lot to you?

Ragwort · 11/11/2018 17:44

It’s hard when something means so much to you, we’ve always attended Remembrance Day service, in fact it is our wedding anniversary weekend & we attended a service on the first day of our honeymoon and would always find a service if we were away. But the important thing is that you attended the service and it has meant something to you, focus on that.

RCohle · 11/11/2018 17:47

I don't think remembrance has to be performative. Some people find benefit from communal acts of worship/reflection, others pay their respects in other ways.

I find running quite meditative, it might actually be quite a nice time to spend reflecting on the sacrifices of those in the services.

MrsTerryPratcett · 11/11/2018 17:53

I think it's really sad that people don't make the effort to go to remembrance day services, but they are quite happy to go over the top for Christmas (without even celebrating the true meaning of Christmas). Just another example of our consumerist and thoughtless society.

Atheist here, remembering atheist grandparents. Why on earth would I attend a service? And we celebrate Christmas, which was nicked from pagans. At least if you are going to be judgemental and smug, be accurate.

Darkstar4855 · 11/11/2018 17:55

YABU. I am an atheist and hate going to church services on Remembrance Day. I feel very strongly that Remembrance should be separate from religion. I will watch the parade, wreath laying etc. but I won’t go to church.

People pay their respects in different ways and it’s wrong to force someone to go if they don’t want to.

Original poster

Stubbornuincorn · 11/11/2018 17:56

I’m not religious so I don’t really go for the religious element, just to pay my respects. I imagine it’s similar for most of the people that turned up today as the streets were lined with people. I doubt all of them go to a church on Sunday.

OP posts:

Miscible · 11/11/2018 17:57

I think his obsession with the gym is a far bigger issue, to be honest.

Original poster

Stubbornuincorn · 11/11/2018 17:59

It wasn’t a service in a church it was held at the war memorial. I said service as we were still all given an order or service and said the Lord’s Prayer, and the heads of all the different local churches were there, as were the cadets, brownies etc.

OP posts:

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 11/11/2018 17:59

DP refused to come to the Rememberance service with me this morning. He chose to go to the gym instead. It’s really got to me so I’m just wondering if I’m being U.

I can see why you're disappointed, because the service clearly meant a lot to you and he wouldn't go to support you. Perhaps that's the real crux of the issue, rather than how/if he remembered in his own way?

I attend a church with my DH most weeks because it's an important part of his life - I'm not a member of this church and can't even take communion there - but it means a lot to DH that I go with him. I never go if he's away!

I wouldn't make a big issue out of it, but it would be nice if your DH could go one year, just to support you.

Sirzy · 11/11/2018 18:00

My partner is ex military, this morning we chose to go for a run instead of going to a service. We did get back in time to watch (and take part in) the silence part of the National service.

People will remember, or not, in their own way. After all isn’t freedom what they fought for?

JellyBears · 11/11/2018 18:02

Doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. I wore a poppy on my running shirt. I was running at 10 but we observed a 2 minute silence.

GabsAlot · 11/11/2018 18:05

isnt that what they fought for freedom choice?

you dont have to do anything it doesnt make yo9u a bad person

InfiniteVariety · 11/11/2018 18:07

The gym is clearly very important to him and comes above most things in our life which you seem to resent.

Remembrance Day is very important to you but not to him.
Where is the common ground in your relationship? What things do you agree are important?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 11/11/2018 18:08

This thread's going off on a tangent...isn't the real issue that this short, annual ceremony means a lot to her - and her partner wouldn't accompany her because his gym time is more important?

WaxOnFeckOff · 11/11/2018 18:09

At the end of the day, your feelings are your feelings whether we think they are unreasonable or not. A few people have raised the crux of the issue which is that you think he spends too much time at the gym. You've not commented on that which is entirely your prerogative. I just think you would be less upset about this particular issue if you weren't already annoyed about the gym thing. I guess if he'd said that going the remembrance thing wasn't really for him but that he'd meet you afterwards for a coffee or shopping or whatever, you wouldn't be posting.

Essentially you were pissed off that he chose to go to the gym rather than spend time with you. That's the issue, the service is a red herring I think.

blackchina · 11/11/2018 18:17

@JacquesHammer

I’m an atheist. Christmas means family to me.

Congratulations. You win 'oxymoron of the day' award.

OP, your partner is free to go - or not go - where he wants.

petbear · 11/11/2018 18:17

@Stubbornuincorn

To be fair, virtually EVERYONE had relatives in the second world war, and also the first!

YABU to expect your DP to feel the same as you about something. He is entitled to say no. I do think it's a shame when people can't be bothered with Remembrance Day celebrations though.... My DH didn't come to the wonderful Armistice celebration in our village today, because he couldn't be arsed. He lay in today and was just surfacing at 10.45am when I was on my way out.

I went to the Church for the 10.50am service which ended at midday, and then to the village hall afterwards, where there was a massive buffet, (incl free large glass of wine!) a choir, a military band, and the brownies singing.

There were 350 people in attendance, and a wonderful atmosphere. 350 voices singing along with the 15 person choir, and singing old war songs, and classic hymns was magical, and heartwarming, and very emotional, and I will never forget it.

Coz he 'couldn't be arsed' he missed out on an amazing day.

I just went alone, but caught up with some neighbours very quickly, and had the most wonderful day with them. I took 40-50 pictures, and have several pieces of great film footage.

Still got the lighting of the beacon to go to (7pm.) Will be walking round to the parish hall at quarter to seven.

But yeah, if your DP doesn't wanna go - sod him! I would still go to anything mine didn't go to. I showed him the footage of the military band when I got in at 4.30pm, and the choir and crowds and the buffet etc, and his face dropped. He admitted after half an hour that he really regretted not coming. I was away from 10.45am til 4.15pm. He wondered where the hell I was.

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