I want my SS to move out

[namechange22222]

I think I am being unreasonable about some things and not about others. Or maybe I am being unreasonable about it all. I can't tell anymore.

Sorry in advance this is going to be long.

My step son aged 20 moved in 8 months ago. He had to move from another part of the UK to live with us as his mother was at the end of her rope with him.

Having no respect for her him, smoking weed, getting into debt and just being a little fucker basically.

Since living with us I've found evidence of him building spliffs in his room. I've told him I don't care what he does outside my house but inside my house he doesn't bring drugs in. For whatever reason. First time I didn't tell his dad as I was always getting accused of having a go at him and he promised it was a one off.

Two weeks later same issue. I told his dad and messaged SS stating if he didn't buck up and respect the house rules, ensure his debts were paid he was to go back to his mums. I wasn't nasty I was factual.

He went back to his mum stating we were
Being really mean to him. Cue a load of messages between my partner and his ex wife rowing about SS.

I was livid to say the least. We are so mean to him we haven't charged him keep since he moved in. So mean his dad drive him to work for three months because he'd lost his driving licence through speeding. So mean he comes in every night after work to his tea cooked and so on.

He's on his third job now his dad has gotten him and he moaning about it thinking he can run the company better and they are lazy and he keeps it going. He really believes this.

It's now beginning to cause issues between my partner and I. My partner said he was fed up of being in the middle and any issues I had with SS I need to women up and address with him directly. Fair enough, I have and he fucking ignores me. So I'm back to telling my partner to sort it out.

By 20 I shouldn't have to walk into his room and it being a shit hole everyday. (I have to go in there as due to him moving in it's cramped and there is a walk in closet him and his dad share that I am in daily for putting washing away/ironing etc).

He hasn't washed his bedding in 3 months.
He's never once offered to fucking babysit.
He constantly walks grass up the stairs and into his room because he is obviously walking the fields smoking weed as he stinks of it when he comes in.
He doesn't pull is weight at all round the house.

I'm just fed up of it all. Fed up of his bullshit and not arsed about fuck all attitude.

I want him to move out. I feel I can't say anything because my partner does so much for my daughter and raises her as his own.

He earns more than me and yet is into his dad for £200 every month without fail. He can afford to move out.

I feel like my partner would resent me if I said. I can't live with SS anymore.

Wtf do I do??

I don't want him to baby sit this is just to show you it's all him him him. He hasn't done anything for anyone since he moved in.
Not even walked the shop or bought a loaf of bread in.

I'm just fed up of it being cramped, him being selfish, it causing problems now with my partner and me because of me nagging SS.

I am not going to stop nagging him to clean up after himself. I don't want a room in my
House full of pizza boxes, dirty glasses etc.

I am beginning to resent him being here and I feel bad about it but it's getting in my nerves and making me feel stressed
Out and narky all the time.

Thank you if you got to the end with this.

Sounds awful op, and not something I’ve dealt with. But I wouldn’t have drug use, especially such open drug use, around young children. Weed causes MH issues with prolonged use and he’ll be skint from buying it. I’d want him to move out, by living with you it’s enabling his awful behaviour... if he spent money on rent he wouldn’t have it for weed. but he’s family so maybe help organise a flat nearby, he can still come for tea, you’ll support him etc. Good luck op

What does your partner think of this situation. I don't blame you, he is an adult and has to take responsibility.

I would not want this around the kids either.

Yanbu.
I'm not surprised you want him out. He's 20, he has money, off he goes.

Ultimately, he needs to go but your partner needs to take responsibility for him whilst he is with you and for getting him out.

I have not found anything in the house since. This was about a month ago now.

In regards to it being blatant, he is trying to hide it. He goes out. Is gone for a couple of hours and then goes straight upstairs.
I can smell it as I was a pot smoker in my early twenties.

I'm nearly 40 now it's not something I partake in anymore at all.
If he wants to do that away from the house I can't stop him he's 20. My
Rule is that he doesn't bring it into the house at all. Ever.

My partner is hard on him one minute, lending him money the next. I've said to my partner wtf do you think he is spending all his money on and he thinks it's his girlfriend. 🤦🏽‍♀️. I've said otherwise.

After me not saying nothing to his dad when I caught him the first time I have still not got over him slagging me off to him mum and playing the victim card the second Time. I am still fewming about that. The barefaced fucking cheek of it.

I won't ask him to move out as his dad does
So much for us and my daughter.

Eventually I hope he will just work it out for himself and go and rent a room or a studio flat somewhere close by.
He'd have a lot more freedom/privacy that way and he could still come for tea every night if he wanted.

Set the rules, write them out, go through them with ss and dh. He can have a day to decide if he wants to live with u and abide the rules or move out (rules: daily rules, weekly jobs, housekeeping money etc)

Thank you for your messages. I'm recovering from a operation a bit slower than expected so I have found it hard to tell if feeling like this is due to this also.

It's probably making me more irritated and stressed but it's good to know that people don't think I am being unreasonable about this.

Your dhbis being unreasonable. He's not in the middle you are. He should father up and sort his D's out.

I would set ground rules and consequences for not abiding by them. If you did this before he moved in then it's time to reiterate them.

It sounds like his DM was at the end of her tether. There is an alternative to ss going back there, he could move into a shared house. They wouldn't put us with this behaviour there.

I was on my own paying my bills from 19.

Sounds as if his dad is facilitating his behaviour - you need to agree some ground rules with the dad first before you can enforce them with SS. Try to discuss logically rather than feeling aggrieved and starting an argument. Start with basics - no food in the bedroom, take shoes off at the door, do his washing - stand over him when he comes in to enforce. Stop his dad giving him money. Stop cooking for him or getting in food he likes until his behaviour improves and/or he contributes to the food budget. (Maybe you both need to go on a diet and eat only salads?). Discuss the rules with him calmly and firmly and ask if he thinks they are reasonable.

Who’s house is it? Yours or your partner’s?

It's my house.
My partner is wonderful in every other way.
I get it. No one wants their kids criticised.
He accepts his son isn't perfect. His response in general is that he isn't a bad kid.

I agree he isn't a bad kid but he is turning into a childish, selfish, immature man at the moment.

You can't have a drug addict in your house when you have other children there. If his dad won't support you then perhaps he can go and find somewhere else and take his dopey son with him.
What hell and yadnbu

I like how his mother has a go at his father for being mean, because you wouldn't put up with the exact same things she wouldn't put up with.

Sorry cross post your partners another wonderful dad who is happy for drugs to be around your house and have one of your bedrooms turned into a stink hole. Yes sure is a wonderful man

From experience I can tell you as long as he’s given the easy life he’ll take it. The only way he’ll be moving out of your place voluntarily will be if he meets a partner with a place of their own and can move in with them.

I recommend you start taking rent from him, and keep it. Save it up until it is enough for deposit & rent on a 1 bed place or a room in a shared house, then take him househunting.

Facilitate finding a place of his own then what he does in his own place is up to him

I genuinely don't think he is a drug addict.

He is in bed early and up for work every day without fail.

Some nights he doesn't go out at all.

Then again what do I know. I can't police him so he may be using more or less than I am guessing.

The weed incident seems to have taken care of itself and noting has been brought i to the house (believe me I would smell it).

I am just fed up of the lack of respect around keeping his things and room tidy and being me me me all the time.

In short I just want him to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for his own life and get on with it. In a different address.

A bit not the point but there is no way he sounds responsible enough to baby sit!
Sit down and make a plan! Write what you would like to happen. I think you need to stop fighting with everyone to get what you want. Especially him, befriend him and see if you can put the idea in his head that he would be better off living with a friend.

I think people who smoke a lot of weed lose the ability to smell it, so have no idea how much they and their surroundings smell of it.
Is this lad paying you rent? If not, I suggest you start asking for it and agree with your partner to stop subbing him. He's never going to get out of debt if he always has a nice soft fall back from Dad.
If he paid rent he might actually appreciate your home more - I think there's a saying about not valuing what you get for free.
You are all enabling him by the free home/free meals, etc.

@Anniegetyourgun

I know this was another thing.

"Tell that cheeky bitch to ring me" was my response.

Or, as you really just want him to move out, give him maybe 3 months to save for a deposit and tell him he can't live with you anymore.

He’s been rude to you and is using illegal drugs. What happens if brings some into the house and your daughter finds it and maybe eats it ? A neighbour could see him using drugs and report it to the police and they could potentially raid your house.

It’s your house, nothing to do with your partner. Tell this man to leave (that’s what he is a man not a child ) and if your partner doesn’t like it then maybe ask him to go as well.

@Notnowok

He is a good dad. He has done and continues to do a lot for my daughter and me. You know the basics on here from what I have disclosed.

We can't prove his son is smoking weed. What can we do? Drug test him?
He does spend a lot of money on his girlfriend. I can't prove what else he is spending his money on. What do you suggest?

His room is a shit hole by MY standards.
By this I mean dirty glasses, pizza boxes, bed not made, floor needing a hoover. From the day before. Not for days on end.

@ProudThrilledHappy

This is already happening from the end of this month. Next payday.
This was told to him last week.