I want my SS to move out

[namechange22222]

I think I am being unreasonable about some things and not about others. Or maybe I am being unreasonable about it all. I can't tell anymore.

Sorry in advance this is going to be long.

My step son aged 20 moved in 8 months ago. He had to move from another part of the UK to live with us as his mother was at the end of her rope with him.

Having no respect for her him, smoking weed, getting into debt and just being a little fucker basically.

Since living with us I've found evidence of him building spliffs in his room. I've told him I don't care what he does outside my house but inside my house he doesn't bring drugs in. For whatever reason. First time I didn't tell his dad as I was always getting accused of having a go at him and he promised it was a one off.

Two weeks later same issue. I told his dad and messaged SS stating if he didn't buck up and respect the house rules, ensure his debts were paid he was to go back to his mums. I wasn't nasty I was factual.

He went back to his mum stating we were
Being really mean to him. Cue a load of messages between my partner and his ex wife rowing about SS.

I was livid to say the least. We are so mean to him we haven't charged him keep since he moved in. So mean his dad drive him to work for three months because he'd lost his driving licence through speeding. So mean he comes in every night after work to his tea cooked and so on.

He's on his third job now his dad has gotten him and he moaning about it thinking he can run the company better and they are lazy and he keeps it going. He really believes this.

It's now beginning to cause issues between my partner and I. My partner said he was fed up of being in the middle and any issues I had with SS I need to women up and address with him directly. Fair enough, I have and he fucking ignores me. So I'm back to telling my partner to sort it out.

By 20 I shouldn't have to walk into his room and it being a shit hole everyday. (I have to go in there as due to him moving in it's cramped and there is a walk in closet him and his dad share that I am in daily for putting washing away/ironing etc).

He hasn't washed his bedding in 3 months.
He's never once offered to fucking babysit.
He constantly walks grass up the stairs and into his room because he is obviously walking the fields smoking weed as he stinks of it when he comes in.
He doesn't pull is weight at all round the house.

I'm just fed up of it all. Fed up of his bullshit and not arsed about fuck all attitude.

I want him to move out. I feel I can't say anything because my partner does so much for my daughter and raises her as his own.

He earns more than me and yet is into his dad for £200 every month without fail. He can afford to move out.

I feel like my partner would resent me if I said. I can't live with SS anymore.

Wtf do I do??

So he's no longer bringing weed home
He has a job
He has a girl friend
He's paid off his debt

He's achieved a lot in 8 months

Next he needs to pay rent - even if this money is 'given back' via his dad it would show some responsibility - ask DH to open a separate account and his rent money can go in as a saving account to help him when he lives out. Best way to sell it too him.

His room is his room.

Tell DH he is to take up the washing as you won't be going in there. In return
Give DS a bin bag on Saturday and ask that he fills it.
Then next he is to empty the dishwasher on Saturdays and refill it with his cups and plates etc from his room
Then build up chores - grass cutting cleaning bathroom etc

Sit down with your dh and get some ground rules together. Then I would tell your dh he needs to sort this out. He needs to give his ds an ultimatum that a) he treats you with respect b) no food in the bedroom c) he pays a decent chunk of rent, d) he cleans and tidies, shops etc, This is your home and you should not feel uncomfortable in it. And doubly so as you’ve have a dependent child and are recovering from surgery.

I’m so grateful that my mother didn’t give up on me when I was 20 and an utter twat. When I think back I was incredibly lazy and self-absorbed...as well as being in about all the things I shouldn’t have been. I grew out of it eventually and my relationship with my mum remained close until she (sadly) died.

Ok, so from what you're saying, you have either the choice to a) put up with it, or b) deliver some kind of ultimatum to him and your DP, seeing as t's your house.

“No I can't stop going into his room.
I can't bear mess. I can't walk past it knowing there is mess in there it would just stress me out all day”

Then i would suggest that’s your issue and not your stepson’s. Yabu.
My son’s room is an absolute dive. I just keep the door shut and tell him to return the crockery and bring up dirty washing. It’s his room, his space and no longer under my remit. Like I haven’t got enough to do without stressing over that. I’m sure you have bigger fish to fry yourself.

No I can't stop going into his room.
I can't bear mess. I can't walk past it knowing there is mess in there it would just stress me out all day

As long as the door is closed, all glasse/plates are brought downstairs and there's nothing damaging the room/making the whole house smell on that point you are being unreasonable. It's his room.

I don't really understand your complaint about the weed either. You told him to do it outside the house so he is. He's up every day for work without issue so he's not being so ridiculous with it it's affecting his job.

Is it basically that you just don't want another person in your home? Because that's a different issue to a nightmare SS.

I agree. He is working, has paid off his debts, has a girlfriend and respects your no smoking rule. he doesn’t sound like a nightmare stepson...you sound like a resentful stepmum. You’re happy for your dp to take on your dc though. She’ll be 20 one day...see if you want to turf her out for being a less than ideal housemate.
Tip: you won’t.

So from your opening post which sounds like a nightmare you have come down to not really wanting him there because it is a cramped and b he doesn't tidy as often as you want. That is a huge difference. Sounds to me like he has come a long way in the last 8 months.

Yes you can stop going in hisroom. Leave it.

If your partner's clothes go in there - HE puts them away.

Step back.

Your SS has listened about the drugs. They are not in the house.
He works.
He seems to stay out of your way.

Seriously? If someon.e was saying this about your DC in a few years what would you think?

He is 20. Behaving a bit like a twat. But you seem to be mightily het up over what is just (kind of) a messy room. Shut the door. Don't go in. Ignore it.

And charge him rent

Step back a moment and think if it were your 20 year old son what would you do.

He sounds like a normal 20 year-old to me. A bit of a twat but not actually bad. But his debts aren't really any of your business and you definitely shouldn't be going into his room. Do you really expect him to hoover his room every day? That's just not realistic. By all means charge some rent and enlist his help with washing up, laundry etc. But mostly your job here is to sigh and bite your tongue, and let his dad explain and enforce the house rules.

He hasn't cleared his debt. He's running up a big debt 'borrowing' from your husband ... that is debt.

Unless he's planning to treat that as a gift ... which shouldn't be allowed, frankly.

Yes he doesn't sound all that bad, he did in the first post but not so much now. I think you just don't want him there, ok, but what happened when your daughter reaches 20 and your DH doesn't want her there. Will he be able to ask her to leave and you won't mind?

I don't by the way think the legal ownership of the home should come into it btw, you are together and this is home to both of you. If you see your DP more as a lodger then there are other issues here.

I know Iabu about the mess in his room.

My issue is the house and the cramped
Conditions and that he does
Nothing to help round the house and that if I do go into his room (the walk in has lots
Of things in there for storage not just clothing of his and his dads - travel cases, I work away sometimes once a week and that's the only place we have space to store them, duvet covers, that type of thing, it's like a room within a room) so I can't help but have to go in there.

His attitude is dad will sort everything out.

This boils down to I want my space back.
I am probably letting stupid things
Become issues because of this.

Him walking to a field to smoke weed isn't an issue.

This is again why I think telling him
He has to move out is an overreaction.

I just want him to be more considerate and tidier.

I know this is typical for a twenty year old.

I was also a little twat at that age

I just wanted to say; what a horrible problem and I totally sympathise. I would say it is up to his FATHER to deal with this, particularly as you are recovering from an operation.

But he's familly - your DHs familly and you need to be there to support him.
Imagine if this was one of your kids?

Families are cramped - we budge up and make room.

It won't be forever

I think your last post is about the size of it. Looks like sounding off has helped you get stuff straight in your mind.

Your DH needs to be a bit more consistent and a bit stricter with his son.

It’s not worth making someone homeless over as it stands, and it’s your DH’s job to make sure it doesn’t escalate to that point.

I feel a bit sorry for him. He's achieved a lot in the past few months. Yes, he's untidy - show me a 20 year old that isn't! You don't want him, his Mum doesn't want him. What a horrible feeling that must be.

Your stepson comes with the territory - he is your Partner's son, and just because you think that you and your child should be your Partner's focus now, doesn't mean that your Partner should tell his son, who existed before you were on the scene to fuck off now, because he has a new Partner.

As for your Partner subbing him each month - yeah, that's pretty standard with a 20 year old.

I'm not saying this to be horrible. But I'm fed up of women expecting men to forget their first families.

Fast forward to when your daughter is 20, and has a messy room : how would you feel, if your Partner suggested throwing her on to the street?

How much housework does you partner do?

Sounds like a random q, but I notice in these types of threads that sometimes dad doesn’t do any cleaning washing cooking etc yet the step kids get the blame for following the example.

For the record - oh lord, I was the same at this age 🙈

I've never asked him to forget his first family, I think that's unfair.

I welcomed his S S with open arms.
Furnished his room for him. Made him feel welcome. Ask him what he wants for his tea, treat him to things, we spend time
On our own and We have a fairly good relationship.

I have read the replies and I get I am
Being unfair about his room.

He isn't that bad.

I'm still annoyed about him slagging me out to his mum after everything I've done for him. Im still a bit annoyed about finding him skinning up after promising it was a one off. Im feeling crap and sore because of my operation. I guess the messiness of this week and the attitude has pissed me off and I need to let it go and move on.

He needs to Tidy up a bit more and grow up a bit. We will work it out.

Thanks for your comments
Everyone

He sounds just like my own ds at this age.

You say he does nothing to help but do you ask him? So after dinner would he wash up/ starch dishwasher? I wouldn’t expect a person of that age to offer or use initiative in helping but I would expect them to do as they are asked without a fuss.

Hard as it will be can you try to make friends with him on some level? Show some interest in him, general chat, watch a program you both like? He sounds a bit of a fish out of water and to be fair has achieved a fair bit since he arrived.

Certainly charge rent, put in some really basic rules like shoes off in the house and encourage him to save a bit each month towards getting more independent. Many 20year olds are really very immature but they do get there.

Have you asked him why he said those things to his mum (yes I know the reality was he was looking for sympathy and being a twat). He needs to understand how much that hurt you, and that behaviour like that it bloody unacceptable... tell him it makes you resent doing stuff for him. you are his friend, you don’tHave to do anything for him. You do it because you love his dad, and him if he’s more bloody respectful. Or get dh to tell him!

Ach he said those things to his mum because he has torn loyalties and he loves his mum. Maybe he thought it would make her feel good in the moment, maybe he meant it at the time, maybe he was just bumping his gums.
You can raise it with him if you like, presenting it as an injustice. Or as i would do, ignore it and move on.

Well it was his mum who couldn’t put up with his behaviour and kicked him out. She’s his “family” too and presumably doesn’t have another child in the family to consider.

He’s an adult with a job and he should be paying rent and pulling his weight. He also doesn’t need an allowance, wtf is it for anyway when he has no housing or transport costs and has his bills and food paid for? If he wants to spend money on his gf he can fund it himself.

If your partner doesn’t like he can piss off, with his son, and live in filth together.

The fact that some posters were nightmare young adults doesn’t mean the OP is in any way responsible for funding an able bodied employed man. A lot of us were taking full responsibility for ourselves at that age, had younger siblings that our parents needed to prioritise financially and would have been ashamed to be living rent free, needing lifts to work, raking in a hefty allowance and acting like a child not looking after themselves or even cooking their own bloody meals.

I’m always appalled by the useless manchildren so many women on here end up with, the ones who piss away money, “don’t see mess”, can’t cook and leave their dirty clothes on the floor. This is how it starts.

He may well have said those thi ha to his mum in confidence he would not have expected her to tell you he'd said those things. His mother was in the wrong.
He has probably learnt his lesson