I want my SS to move out

[namechange22222]

I think I am being unreasonable about some things and not about others. Or maybe I am being unreasonable about it all. I can't tell anymore.

Sorry in advance this is going to be long.

My step son aged 20 moved in 8 months ago. He had to move from another part of the UK to live with us as his mother was at the end of her rope with him.

Having no respect for her him, smoking weed, getting into debt and just being a little fucker basically.

Since living with us I've found evidence of him building spliffs in his room. I've told him I don't care what he does outside my house but inside my house he doesn't bring drugs in. For whatever reason. First time I didn't tell his dad as I was always getting accused of having a go at him and he promised it was a one off.

Two weeks later same issue. I told his dad and messaged SS stating if he didn't buck up and respect the house rules, ensure his debts were paid he was to go back to his mums. I wasn't nasty I was factual.

He went back to his mum stating we were
Being really mean to him. Cue a load of messages between my partner and his ex wife rowing about SS.

I was livid to say the least. We are so mean to him we haven't charged him keep since he moved in. So mean his dad drive him to work for three months because he'd lost his driving licence through speeding. So mean he comes in every night after work to his tea cooked and so on.

He's on his third job now his dad has gotten him and he moaning about it thinking he can run the company better and they are lazy and he keeps it going. He really believes this.

It's now beginning to cause issues between my partner and I. My partner said he was fed up of being in the middle and any issues I had with SS I need to women up and address with him directly. Fair enough, I have and he fucking ignores me. So I'm back to telling my partner to sort it out.

By 20 I shouldn't have to walk into his room and it being a shit hole everyday. (I have to go in there as due to him moving in it's cramped and there is a walk in closet him and his dad share that I am in daily for putting washing away/ironing etc).

He hasn't washed his bedding in 3 months.
He's never once offered to fucking babysit.
He constantly walks grass up the stairs and into his room because he is obviously walking the fields smoking weed as he stinks of it when he comes in.
He doesn't pull is weight at all round the house.

I'm just fed up of it all. Fed up of his bullshit and not arsed about fuck all attitude.

I want him to move out. I feel I can't say anything because my partner does so much for my daughter and raises her as his own.

He earns more than me and yet is into his dad for £200 every month without fail. He can afford to move out.

I feel like my partner would resent me if I said. I can't live with SS anymore.

Wtf do I do??

Some of these replies are a joke surely. This boy has two parents. His mum has had responsibility for him for a long time, so now it's his father's turn.

Imagine being kicked out by your dad, whilst watching him parent your younger stepsister.

He hasn't done anything to warrant being kicked out imo.

He smokes weed, just like op did in her 20s, but has respected her request to keep it out of the house, has a steady girlfriend, and holds down a full time job.

The rest of it - the untidy bedroom, flashes of disrespect, egocentric worldview - is not uncommon in teens. Lots of us went through it I'm sure, and lots here will go through it with their own dc too. None of it is worth kicking a child out for IMO, although I would be charging him some rent to stay there as he's working.

Since when was 20 counted as “teens”?

I don't know where some of you live, but round here it is absolutely the norm for 20 year olds; permanent home to be with parents at least until they finish uni and get a proper job- so 21 or 22 ish at least.Granted ops ss is not at uni but is still of a normal university age and would expect to be at home

He already has a proper job.

Round here also perfectly normal to live with parents until earning enough to save a deposit and live independently.

He may have a full time job but he's had several jobs in quick succession and I doubt he's earning enough to fund his own place.

It just seems mean. He's an annoying, self centred, untidy young man like many of us were when we were 20 but he's done nothing to deserve being kicked out by his dad imo.

He already has a proper job

yes but in terms of age, living at home at 20 is perfectly normal nowadays

No one is asking his dad to kick him out.
I just feel like I wish he would move out into his own space sometimes. A lot of the time lately. The fact I'm in pain and in recovery from an op is probably impacting the annoyance when he's untidy and inconsiderate of others in the house. I'm allowed to feel like that. But I also see after some of the advice on here I'm a bit of a crank aswell 🤷🏻‍♀️. He's a bit of a twat and I'm a bit of a crank. The rant on here at the beginning and the replies has made me feel better about it all.

We are all living on top of each other and I'm finding it hard. He probably is too. We are stricter in regards to house rules than he is used to. But that's how I was brought up and I agree with it.

I've never had to deal with a 20year old man, living with one anyway as my SS and it's not what I expected but hey ho. We will muddle through.

He does earn enough to support himself independently. He is just really shit with money and has been since before he lived here. After keep and his own bills he has over £1500 in his pocket.

He thinks if he has £1500 to spend in his bank it's a target not a limit and normally after two weeks has nothing left.
He isn't saving anything.

I think everything is just getting on my tits at the minute and this is one thing that's not resolvable that I can see how and it's getting on my nerves that's all.

Your DH is doing his son no favours. How is he ever going to oearn to be a responsible adult if he's allowed to not pay any keep?

Best thing for him is to get his own place or a houseshare.

He is paying keep from end of this month which is next payday

I agree with PPs if in eight months, he's stopped smoking weed or at least bringing it home, has a girlfriend, paid off his debts, is withing and starts paying rent add of next month, he's come wire a long way in a short time. Surely that shows you that your home environment is a good one for him and that he must respect you and DH to have made changes that he wouldn't make at his mum's. He's got a way to go with cleaving and being less self focussed ie helping out more, but a lot of 19/20 year olds are similar. The fact he's made the changes he has would make me hopeful for him OP. He'll look back when he's in his thirties or younger and realise how much you and DH have done for him and how that helped him to turn his life around.

To be honest he doesn’t sound too terrible, annoying but not awful. He has a job, girlfriend etc, so he’s getting there just slowly.

But you need to teach him to budget. Start charging him rent (work out his share of the bills) and stop with the extra handouts. He’s 20 and needs to learn some responsibility. Some relatives of mine carried on ignoring a similar situation and guess what? They now have a 33 year old man living with them in their retirement who is constantly asking for money. Confronting it now maybe painful, but not as painful as it will get if you don’t.

"Some relatives of mine carried on ignoring a similar situation and guess what? They now have a 33 year old man living with them "

That's a bit dramatic. Most 20 year olds aren't completely independent. It doesn't mean he'll still be there at 33. If he's still there at 27, start to worry.