I want my SS to move out

[namechange22222]

I think I am being unreasonable about some things and not about others. Or maybe I am being unreasonable about it all. I can't tell anymore.

Sorry in advance this is going to be long.

My step son aged 20 moved in 8 months ago. He had to move from another part of the UK to live with us as his mother was at the end of her rope with him.

Having no respect for her him, smoking weed, getting into debt and just being a little fucker basically.

Since living with us I've found evidence of him building spliffs in his room. I've told him I don't care what he does outside my house but inside my house he doesn't bring drugs in. For whatever reason. First time I didn't tell his dad as I was always getting accused of having a go at him and he promised it was a one off.

Two weeks later same issue. I told his dad and messaged SS stating if he didn't buck up and respect the house rules, ensure his debts were paid he was to go back to his mums. I wasn't nasty I was factual.

He went back to his mum stating we were
Being really mean to him. Cue a load of messages between my partner and his ex wife rowing about SS.

I was livid to say the least. We are so mean to him we haven't charged him keep since he moved in. So mean his dad drive him to work for three months because he'd lost his driving licence through speeding. So mean he comes in every night after work to his tea cooked and so on.

He's on his third job now his dad has gotten him and he moaning about it thinking he can run the company better and they are lazy and he keeps it going. He really believes this.

It's now beginning to cause issues between my partner and I. My partner said he was fed up of being in the middle and any issues I had with SS I need to women up and address with him directly. Fair enough, I have and he fucking ignores me. So I'm back to telling my partner to sort it out.

By 20 I shouldn't have to walk into his room and it being a shit hole everyday. (I have to go in there as due to him moving in it's cramped and there is a walk in closet him and his dad share that I am in daily for putting washing away/ironing etc).

He hasn't washed his bedding in 3 months.
He's never once offered to fucking babysit.
He constantly walks grass up the stairs and into his room because he is obviously walking the fields smoking weed as he stinks of it when he comes in.
He doesn't pull is weight at all round the house.

I'm just fed up of it all. Fed up of his bullshit and not arsed about fuck all attitude.

I want him to move out. I feel I can't say anything because my partner does so much for my daughter and raises her as his own.

He earns more than me and yet is into his dad for £200 every month without fail. He can afford to move out.

I feel like my partner would resent me if I said. I can't live with SS anymore.

Wtf do I do??

So his mum can't have him there because of all you've said but your the unreasonable one for not wanting it in your house either but yet both his parents are giving you shit for it...

Off they both fuck

If your DP doesn't get a grip soon, and sort this out, it could potentially break you.
A room in a shared house, sounds like a viable option.
The SS is a twenty year old man/child, he won't pull his weight, whilst his DF is cosseting him. He needs to lay down the law, monitor him, stop funding him, and if he doesn't frame, out he goes.
This isn't just your house OP, it's your home, you need to kick this caterpillar out of your salad. You are right to protect your DD.🌸

YANBU and you tell your DP that he cannot live there any more and that he needs to give him __ days notice go leave.

It is your home. And he is not respecting it.

It is your home. And he is not respecting you.

It is your home. And he is setting a terrible example for your other children.

It is your home. You have a right to be happy in your own home.

He needs to go.

I would actually tell your partner he can go with him if he truly thinks you're being unreasonable, because you're not.

He doesn't smoke
Drugs around the house.

He doesn't bro g drugs into the house.

I suspect he is walking to a field on a Friday night and having a joint or standing with other lads who are.

Since he has moved in he has cleared
His debt, found work. He still borrows
Money from his dad every
Month from 50 to 200.

My issue is that I want him to move out because I am fed up of living with him

So his mum can't have him there because of all you've said but your the unreasonable one for not wanting it in your house either but yet both his parents are giving you shit for it...

This.

Notnowok - what was the point of that bitchy post?

OP I can appreciate that you are becoming tired of your stepson. Be wary of following advice here...take it with a pinch of salt. Mumnset has it that other people’s young adult children at 18/19/20 are to be given no leeway to mature whatsoever and should be regarded as one might your average 40 yr old. I disagree with that and think that when it comes to their own little shits the attitude will be quite different.

I think the messy room, selfish and laziness is pretty normal. I understand it’s annoying but when your own children get to that age are doing it it won’t seem quite as infuriating because they’re yours, you love them and you understand them. That’s how your dp feels about his son, where you don’t.

You are right to stick to the no drugs rule but you can’t stop him going out to smoke.

I think this is a case of riding the storm personally - we all do this with our kids at some point. the fact that he’s not yours makes it harder to stomach but when you team up with someone with kids, this is what you take on. Keep on at your stepson but son’t let it consume you. If his room is a mess the world will still keep turning. Pick your battles. X

This could harm your relationship either way tbh, you'll end up resenting your partner for SS being there and he may feel you're making him choose between you if you ask him to leave.
Fundamentally SS is not your problem, but your DP may not choose you in this situation.

And if his dad lends him money every month, that’s up to him and between the two of you...don’t hold it against his son. You’ll bail your own out in the future...imagine your dp taking issue with you over it?

"A neighbour could see him using drugs and report it to the police and they could potentially raid your house."

I think it's unlikely the police would raid your house because someone has smelt weed coming from the house. If this was the case, most houses on my street would be raided.

“A neighbour could see him using drugs and report it to the police and they could potentially raid your house”

Aww that’s cute. How naive. I think you’re watching a bit too much kids’ tv there. The police most certainly will NOT raid their house because a young person that lives in it smokes a joint in a nearby field. Ha ha.

Could you stop going in to his room and ignore the mess there unless it become a health and safety issue? Let your DH bring the laundry in and out of the closet there.

If he earns more than you then charge him rent.

Can’t say I blame you
BUT he has 2 parents

What gives one parent the right to kick him out and one not ? As frustrating as it is your husband can’t completely wash his hands if him - well he can u guess but surely a
Condition is he needs to get some help

Bring back military service I say

A neighbour could see him using drugs and report it to the police and they could potentially raid your house

As if

The weeds not the only
Issue here ! It’s his attitude

Can you not sit down together, the 3 adults, and agree some basic ground rules? For example SS pays £150 per month. In return he gets a room, use of the bathroom and his meals cooked every day. If he places washing in the correct receptacle, it will be laundered and returned to him. Alternatively, he can use the washing machine on x days. Kitchenware may be taken to bedrooms but must be returned the next day, washed, dried and put away. None of you are allowed to smoke cigarettes or take drugs in the house; SS is more than welcome to join you in a glass of wine or beer with dinner (especially if he occasionally buys it!)

Schedule a review in a month where everyone can say how they feel it is going. I think if you treat him in a more adult way, he is more likely to show the respect you deserve. You are also more likely to get his dad to chuck him out if he messed up big time because you have made efforts to be very reasonable. HTH

I would ask them both to leave. This is your house, yet you are being ignored. They can't do that. You say he's 'a good dad'. His actions say otherwise.

I'm not saying 'LTB', but you don't have to live with him. I couldn't live like this and I wouldn't risk having drugs in my house around my children.

Sounds like you're in the middle trying to keep the peace here and about to lose it.
Maybe his mum did the same.
If He s working at least He s not sitting around gaming in the dark all the time like my friends son who is 26!
It's your house. Your dp needs to present a united front and sit down with him to enforce house rules. Yanbu.
How old is your Dd? How is this affecting her? Who is looking after you post op?
How does ss feel about the home set up?
Maybe he s depressed about the debts and having to rely on his dad at his age?
If he s working he 'll meet a lot of young people not living at home so might see their freedom and envy it maybe it will spur him on to house share?
I think dp is not addressing the issues maybe due to guilt over not being there. Parenthood is full of guilt but this boy is a man now and needs to play his part in family life like keeping his room clean etc.
Sorry this is long!

If he is living with you and not paying rent you and his DF are facilitating his weed habit, which is expensive. What’s more, he will become more and more used to his current spending.

At 20 he is old enough to live independently. Do everything you can to help him find something suitable and get him settled in. Then he can see if his budget, after rent, food etc, will stretch to a weed habit.

And what Pictish said
Very true and wise

I was a litttle twat at his age too

God so was I. And how!

You're not unreasonable, you have had great patience with this young man.

I can't offer advice but think you deserve [drink]

Sorry, I meant

Agree with Who, your DP won’t address the situation, you are unhappy with SS living in your home. Suggest DP & SS leave, they can set up their own home together and, if you want to, you can ‘date’ your DP. Surely you owe it to your DD to bring her up in a stable environment. There is something deeply unattractive about a man who doesn’t parent his own child properly.

No I can't stop going into his room.
I can't bear mess. I can't walk past it knowing there is mess in there it would just stress me out all day

He sounds like a typical young person to me. In the real world it may be very hard for him to rent a flat or go into a houseshare in the current climate. I do think he should be finacially contrubuting to bills and food. Your dp needs to stop lending him so much money as it may be enabeling the weed habit.

“DP, i will no longer be putting yours and DSS’s ironing DSs’s away because I won’t be going into his bedroom, this is for you to sort”.
This, for now. It doesn’t solve the problem, but it puts some of the burden onto his father to sort and you won’t get stressed looking at an adult man’s room. Just don’t go in.