AIBU to despair at my life with young children

[readysetcake]

I feel trapped! You can’t go anywhere without it turning into a major hassle. Crying, screaming, mountains of stuff, fear of forgetting snacks, over tired, miserable children. I feel the choice is to be a hermit, where I go out of my mind with the boring monotonous nature of it all, or face going to events and getting stressed out and fighting with DH and come home thinking what a shit miserable time we’ve had. I thought having kids was meant to be fun sometimes. When is it fun? Mine are 3 and almost 6 months.

Is this it now until they’re teenagers and fuck off out by themselves? Am I never to have an enjoyable day out unless I’m without my children?

I've a nearly 15 year old and a 14m old and I was just saying the same thing today, it'd certainly be easier not to bother. The teenager takes an eon to get ready and the LO is a complete wrecking ball and full of mischief and fun, add in the fact she's taken to a 2 hour nap at lunch we're somewhat restricted. I'm a lone parent, I'm I work FT and there's just times things need to be done on my days off.

I'd forgotten how utterly draining the toddler stage can be by the time I had DD2. Hang in there, my oldest was a delight between the ages of 4 and the onset of puberty, an age between 11 and 14.5 where she was a total diva but she's maturing now and I'm seeing the sweetheart I knew coming back.

My approach is to be OUT as much as possible. I've taken to having a shitbag which is essentially a nappy bag but with as many snacks/drinks/spare clothes/toys/book etc as required that I just fill up whenever and it's always ready to go. We go out as early as I can manage and we stay out as long as possible. If I'm organised I make a packed lunch. And then we get Air and we get Miles In Our Legs. I'm a firm believer in kids needing miles in their legs. They're usually shattered by 2pm and will just lie in front of the telly for the rest of the afternoon.
Sometimes they may need a quick mile before dinner which is great at this time of year as we go out with torches and look for night creatures.

My kids are currently 18, 15 and 12 and life is a breeze, no major problems of any sort and my eldest is driving so actually makes life a lot easier as she drives herself and her sister to school and they go to the supermarket and do the food shopping etc.

The hardest time was definitely when they were very small such as 6, 4 and 1. Any child 3 and under is especially still so dependent and has no meaningful ability to wait etc. It was so challenging that anything since then has been a doddle by comparison. It also helps when you are finally getting enough sleep as well!

Crimson, it can also be absolutely amazing. However, I found it very hard at first and (personally) feel that if we can be open about how difficult it can be then it makes you feel less shit if you are struggling.

TooStressy, absolutely - I think it’s liberating and so refreshing that people can be brutally honest about having kids on this forum. You just don’t hear these things in real life (at least not from my friends who are mums!)

My sister is visiting this weekend to meet her new niece (my newborn daughter) she helped my mum bath and settle 2 year old DS this evening. She’s childfree by choice and was saying that she gets judged on it constantly but being here was just confirming that although she loves her niece and nephew she absolutely wouldn’t want to do it every single night - it looks bloody awful! I really respect her view and her honesty!

Yes, nobody ever told me what it was like before I had kids. Although to be honest, maybe they did and I just didn’t hear them, or even if they did I personally couldn’t possibly have understood until I had them. My friends who are parents are pretty honest though. I do know a very few parents who love every second and seem to find it all easy but they have yet to tell me their secrets!

Amen. My boys have the same age gap, and I recall 3 years and 6months being the bleakest point of my parenting.
Coupled with a full time job and the desire to not be touched by another human ever again, I can safely say that I fucking hated that stage.

There is light. My boys are 7 and 4 1/2, love each other to death, I'm back to feeling awesome and flew back in from a few days partying hard in NYC so it gets exponentially better.

You will have your life back soon!!

It gets easier, pick your battles and try and find humour in the situation. Don't take on too much and don't feel guilty about saying "no" sometimes.

7 month old and 3 year old here. I can feel myself ageing but am enjoying it.
They make boring everyday stuff fun i.e. eating spaghetti, buying an orange, watching trains at the station... but make most things I enjoyed before dreadful i.e. eating out, weddings, city breaks
Try and enjoy the unambitious things if you can and give yourself a break This exhausting bit is not forever!

And completely agree with @JuniLoolaPalooza
Outside for HOURS. Even in rain. Inside is dreadful.

Key is to stay in. Get them into watching stuff in youtube, gaming etc. Heading out in this country is a joke. Too cold. Too busy. Too expensive. Too boring. Too pointless and depressing. Too full of dickhead, testosterone filled men.
Stay in, watch boxsets, eat chocolates/sweets etc.

Haven’t read all the messages, but thanks for all the replies. It’s very reassuring that it’s not just me that finds taking young kids out difficult. And lots of you have given me hope that things will get better! I’m drinking wine and trying to forget that DH and I were on the brink of divorce with a screaming baby and whinging toddler in a traffic jam. Will catch up with all the message tomorrow. Thanks again 😊

1million percent agree op! I have twins and a 7 year old. The 7 year old is lovely, caring and helpful. The 2 year old twins are the most hard work.

Sometimes I wonder what I ever did to deserve this.

I'm optimistic that things will get better after having seen dd transform into the lovely child she is.

It is hard, I hate long trips as I get so stressed about everything we need but started getting OH to help with packing.

For every day have the changing bag done, at the end of the day replace what you’ve used.
I get clothes ready the night before if we’ve got a busy day.
& get out the house, seriously. If we’re inside we drive each other mad.

If you’ve got so much stuff, just de clutter a bit at each time, do a ten minute timer.

I still get days where everything just falls apart but they’re a lot less now I’ve tried to make it easier.
I say all this at 29 weeks pregnant with a third & two toddlers so will see if all these methods are still viable after January.

But OP you have got this. & just let it out as much as possible. Toddlers are the absolute worse.
How we survived the cave years with their recklessness I don’t know.

I really understand how you feel , I was shocked by the unrelenting tedium of looking after my children when they were tiny, was completely unprepared for the exhaustion and boredom and I also hated how my partner chose to take on a special project that meant he was out every night and still made tutting noises about the state of the house. I also resented being told that time would fly and I should enjoy every day WTF !!
But time goes by and both my children survived , were dream teenagers compared to some and are now grown.
I do look back and think 'if only I knew then what I know now' but I guess that's life. Keep going , it gets better and it's all worth it.
Good Luck.

SAHM to 3 year old and 5 month old here. I love them dearly and they have brought a lot of joy to my life but it’s been at the expense of my sanity and my marriage (which is so empty at the moment). I’m holding out to when eldest starts school and youngest Is in preschool. Can relate to a lot of these posts! I sometimes wonder what will be left of me when I get some time of my own.

I feel you OP. Mine are a similar age, 3yr 8 months and 8 months. The oldest is basically a threenager, tantrums over being given the wrong spoon at breakfast etc!! I actually LOVE having 2, and we are lucky that so far they love each other but logistically it can be a fucking nightmare. Getting out of the house takes ages, I’d forgotten how long it takes for a weaning baby to eat meals, one of the first times I took them out for the day I had to take the oldest to the toilet, there was no room for the pram in the sink area so I had to take 2 month old baby in with me and put him on the floor... argh...

Here’s things that have helped me...
Ask for help / accept offers of help. Looking back, I should have asked someone to hold my baby whilst taking eldest to toilet.
Make use of the funded hours and put your eldest in childcare part time if you haven’t already. When I’ve just got the baby, I feel like I’m on holiday (although he isn’t mobile yet!)
Take advantage of what you can to get the sleep you need. If I’ve had a bad night with either one then I often turn CBeebies or YouTube on when the eldest gets up and get an extra half an hour’s snooze that way.
The above will make you feel less guilty to focus on the eldest child when they are with you. We go to a group per morning , that my eldest likes, on the 2 days in the week I am on my own with both. I had to find groups that worked ok with both of them though and this took a little while. That way the eldest has had some fun/activity. Then we get home, have lunch, baby has a nap and eldest and I have some 1:1 time either doing crafts, duplo or whatever. Or housework if I feel like it.

I go back to work early next year and I think I will be utterly exhausted but my eldest goes to school next September and I’m hoping things will get more chilled then! Ha ha...

It doesn't really get easier, but you filter out the bad stuff.

By that I mean you will find pictures of today's day out in a few years and go, aw, they were so sweet then. What a lovely day. Not that you become more patient. And everyone says, oh they get easier from 4, but they are just forgetful parents of older kids.

Mine are 1, 4, and 5. It's crazy most of the time. I don't ever sit down, if I do it's like they're a little tag team that take it in turns to get me to get back up again, muuuuum can you fill my drink? Muuuuum I've lost my xyz (usually some random bit of crap), aaaahhhhh I've cut myself I need a plaster or I'll bleed to death in 5 seconds, muuuuuuum will you tell him to stop looking at me, the list goes on, there is no peace. Maybe one day, I live in hope.

@Crimson72 don't be put off. Nobody wants to be that 'loves me kids' person but even though it does take hours to do anything or get out of the house, you're still hopelessly in love with your moaning little ratbag. They have this way of pushing you to the edge then doing something spontaneous hilarious and cute and all the pent up frustration suddenly dissolves into pure love.

Not every minute, hour or day of parenting is easy or enjoyable. But the good parts massively outweigh the bad. The bad are just tiring and annoying. The good are magical.

5 and 3 is a LOT better OP. Not a breeze, but a lot better. Hang in there.

I hated having preschoolers. The tantrums, the lack of decent conversation, the mind numbing toddler groups, the endless peppa bastard pig, I hated all of it. Mine are 8 and 14 now and both delightful

9 through to 12 has been The Dream

These threads always worry me as they suggest that once kids turn 4 they become compliant and lovely. It's not my experience - my 4.2 year old is still hard work. I constantly have to remind him of manners as he regularly demands things in a demanding or whiney voice with no please or thank yous. I have to remind him to say hello and goodbye to people and show some enthusiasm. We still get tantrums over things like DH getting him ready for bed instead of me, or because he doesn't want the breakfast he just asked for, he wants something else now etc etc

Back to the original point, I have a 13 month old as well, and the two of them are generally not too bad out and about. Both can get bored/restless with things like shopping or restaurants so we tend to minimise those kind of outings.