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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Heart broken

104 replies

HelpmeNOW352879 · 10/11/2018 18:18

I put a thread on here on Thursday saying i had found out my "boyfriend" was married, I told his wife everything, although she doesnt believe a word of it even with proven messages from him to me, and he has messaged me saying he hates me and blocked me on everything possible, I suppose I should be glad its all out in the open, but I am truely heart broken. I dont know what to do. I hate him for what he has done, but its killing me, I cant concentrate and i feel constantly sick, i just what to cry...Please tell me to get a grip!.....and how

OP posts:

WhyAmISoCold · 10/11/2018 20:56

I'm confused as to why you got that thread pulled but started this one tbh. You seem to like talking about it.

JW1226 · 10/11/2018 20:56

No bullshit!! I sympathise for you OP
I've been through something similar it's not your fault any of this you didn't know what was going on it's ok to feel what your feeling.
It's a shock to the system and I don't have the answers to how to mend a broken heart but take things day by day , have a cry, let your emotions out to keep them bottled up.
Some days will be better than others but you won't always feel like this time is a great healer xx

Original poster

HelpmeNOW352879 · 10/11/2018 20:59

FYI I didnt have it pulled, somebody had reported it I think, I dont really know, MN suspended my account, asked me questions about it and I answered, then they reactivated my account and the thread was gone.

OP posts:

Didsomeonesaybunny · 10/11/2018 21:02

I read the start of the thread before it got pulled and stand by my comment. At the end of the day the OP isn’t made of stone and before she found out that her boyfriend was a lying asshole she loved him. It’s easy for us all to say switch off your feelings but it’s not that easy and the OP must be feeling a range of emotions right now.

It’s easy to be critical when you haven’t experienced it yourself, the OP is simply looking for support not criticism

TheBigFatMermaid · 10/11/2018 21:03

As someone who was cheated on I have utter contempt for anyone who knowingly sleeps with someone elses husband or partner.

I do believe the OP when she says sje did not know this guy was married though.

OP, have a bit more self respect. Take a deep breath and realise you have well and truly dodged a bullet!

If she had found out and thrown him out, then he would have been round to you like a shot.

You know what happens then? Have you heard the phrase 'When the mistress becomes the wife, she creates a vacancy'? That is what happens. Once a cheat, always a cheat! You will now not be cheated on by him! Be grateful!

AnoukSpirit · 10/11/2018 21:04

You sound very young. Are you?

If you really want to move forward and feel stronger I'd recommend you do some work on your self esteem and your understanding of what it means to be in a healthy relationship.

All the stuff about how he swept you off your feet, and the controlling behaviour you've described (which by the way is why people hurt others for the hell of it - to feel powerful and in control), should have screamed to you as a warning sign that all was not well with this guy.

Take control of your life, go on the Freedom Programme and learn about the difference between healthy and abusive relationships, as well as early warning signs. Maybe also consider trying counselling to work on your self esteem. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Doing something positive to take control of your life and improve your future will help with the emotions you're having now.

MarianneAgain · 10/11/2018 21:13

What has happened has happened, the future you thought you had has been taken away from you.... understandably you are upset.
Tomorrow is Remembrance Sunday, perhaps you could go to a ceremony and spare a thought for all those who gave their futures so that we could enjoy the life we have....... it might help you get things into perspective.

tolerable · 10/11/2018 21:19

what kinda perspective would that be then??? ffs. Op.you are allowed to feel heartbroken,without apology.you didni ask for this shit..full scarlett oh hara fi-diddily -dee style included.

MeganBacon · 10/11/2018 21:22

You did the right thing by telling her the truth. You should hold your head high. I know it's impossible to believe right now but you will stop hurting and eventually meet someone who does not lie to you. Try to visualise the future you in a very happy place and don't let yourself wallow. I promise you it will pass.

Original poster

HelpmeNOW352879 · 10/11/2018 21:28

@Marianneagain I understand the point you are making, you are right, there are people who are in far worse situations than mine, hopefully, ill wake up tomorrow and i feel great

OP posts:

MarianneAgain · 10/11/2018 21:28

@tolerable

The kind of perspective that loss is part of life and grief is the price we pay for love...

and that many, many people have lost their partners, spouses .... their children's co-parent, their children......for a whole variety of reasons .... and yet life goes on.

MarianneAgain · 10/11/2018 21:29

@HelpmeNOW352879
You are grieving, it's normal....... you can pick yourself up...
don't let him continue to harm you.

CluedoCat · 10/11/2018 21:30

Hi wife is clearly in denial - why did she message and ask you and then not believe you?

Lovemusic33 · 10/11/2018 21:33

Was in a similar position to you 2 years ago, he didn’t have a secret wife but had a secret life which involved other women. It was one of the hardest things I have had to deal with, the anger, the pair and feeling so stupid because I trusted him. The first few weeks are tough, you will expereance many emotions including wanting him back and wanting him dead but it gets easier and you get stronger. 2 years on and I hardly think about it but it has given me trust issues, I’m not sure if I could trust a man again. Take each day as it comes, you will get over him and move on.

As for his wife not believing you, that’s not your problem, it’s hers and she probably knows deep down that her husband is a cheat.

Original poster

HelpmeNOW352879 · 10/11/2018 21:35

@CluedoCat I asked her the same question, she said she doesnt want it to be true, I do feel sorry for her, and I can understand why she was so vile to me, she obviously thinks I knew all about her.

OP posts:

Holdingonbarely · 10/11/2018 21:40

It’s only time. Really, that’s all that will help

TeddybearBaby · 10/11/2018 21:45

I can’t decide whether you partly enjoy this or not tbh BUT you are clearly hurting and I do feel for you in that. Maybe he did mean what he said when he said it to you but who cares, he can’t offer you anything and was treating someone who he has known for a long time and has children with horrendously. There’s no honour in him. And now to add insult to injury he’s insulted you along with his wife and cast you aside like a piece of shit. One minute you were top dog with everyone begging you for info and you're holding all the cards and now you have nothing at all. Give yourself some time, you’re not wrong to feel rubbish but it’ll pass and you’ll meet someone else. Be kind to yourself 💐

Original poster

HelpmeNOW352879 · 10/11/2018 21:51

@TeddybearBaby I am really not enjoying this, I didnt feel like topdog, I felt like a twat who believed everything he told me. Speaking on here tonight has made me feel a little better, even the haters have helped.

All of you that said he isnt worth it are absolutely right, he isnt worth it. I can do better than him, I will move on and find a good guy. Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up feeling normal again, Thanks everyone

OP posts:

RLOU30 · 10/11/2018 21:57

Hi OP. Reading this has made me cry because you have taken me back 4 years, the same thing happened to me. With him for a year and then on NYE his wife and mother of his child called me. He subsequently blocked me and never apologised or contacted me again. It felt like he had died and it felt like I had died too. What can I say the pain is real and at times unbearable isn’t it :( gradually it eases off and you find happiness again (I’m with a lovely man now and am a new mum) but what happened to me shaped me massively. You will find happiness again and for now take each day as it comes. You can PM me if you want a chat x take care of yourself x

RLOU30 · 10/11/2018 22:04

I didn’t read the other thread so I don’t know why people are digging you out. If you didn’t know you didn’t know, I bloody didn’t and wouldn’t have touched him with a barge pole afterwards. Yes the betrayal is worse for a wife and mother but that doesn’t take anything away from your sadness. You are allowed to be hurt and heel from that hurt.

tolerable · 10/11/2018 22:05

@marianneagain - thankyou for clarifying. I sounded really rude now ive read back,for which i apologise. i certainly meant no disrespect with regards to remeberance day-or why we have it.
What you said- "loss is part of life and grief is the price we pay for love..." is absolutely true. i understand that perspective. thankyou.
read further down and
the op being persistently attacked for having any sort of feelings and\or reactions -it riles me i think.

TeddybearBaby · 10/11/2018 22:07

@HelpmeNOW352879 it’s really hard to gauge what people mean with written down words when you don’t know them or their background so I take the way I read things with a pinch of salt.

Don’t try to force yourself to do anything. There’s nothing wrong with wallowing. You need to get your head around this before you can accept it. Take care x

AloeVeraDuckworth · 10/11/2018 22:51

I am 15yrs down the line from you OP, I know exactly how you are feeling. I was with my cheating, lying X BF for a year when I discovered that he wasn't separated from his wife,

You are in shock, don't listen to the haters. The simple fact that you were the OW is enough for them, they don't care that you didn't know.

It will get better pretty quickly once the fog lifts and you see him for what he is, although you will miss the wonderful (non-existing) man you fell in love with. Take care of yourself.

Original poster

HelpmeNOW352879 · 18/11/2018 12:00

@AloeVeraDuckworth I'm just so sad. I can't seem to move on. I hoped after a week i'd be ok, but I'm not. I am annoyed with myself for feeling this way, I'm annoyed with him for treating me like this and that he doesn't seem to be bothered by it - the way he treated me I mean. This happening has made me realise how lonely and sad I am, I have no one to talk to which is why I came on here, if only just to vent. I don't need the haters - I'm well aware of how the wife must be feeling, of what an arsehole he is and what a twat I was for believing the shit that came from his mouth - I don't need to be told. It doesn't make me feel any better though. I just wish I could forget all about him, but I can't.

OP posts:

RLOU30 · 18/11/2018 15:34

Message me Helpme x

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