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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to a stag and wedding abroad

87 replies

Iloveeating · 10/11/2018 09:49

I probably am being unreasonable.

I don't like my husband's brother, years ago he made some horrible comments about him deciding if myself and DH get to stay together, that he could end it if he wanted to. He made other comments then about a year after that saying my husband wasn't moving to my town as he has responsibilities in his home town ( he had no kids or job there so don't see what he was talking about where I had job where I lived etc).

This brother is getting married next year and wedding is abroad. I don't like him and have no intention of spending money on someone I don't like so I'm not going to the wedding.

Here is my unreasonable bit! The wedding is in a location very far away from airports etc and flights only go a few times a week so my husband was convinced to travel with wedding party as the venue is 1.5 hours away from destination airport (as well as us being 3 hours from departure airport as our local airport doesn't fly there). Turns out now he will be gone a week! Message comes in during the week that the stag is abroad as well, 2 nights (3 days) and I just think it's so unfair I'm going to be left alone with kids while he goes off twice for long periods of time and the cost involved as well. I hate the thought of all that money being spent on someone I dislike.

OP posts:

ElideLochan · 10/11/2018 09:53

Yes YABU
Its your DHs brother.

Can the family finances take it? Can the family finances stretch to you having some time away, if not could you save together and go next year?

Echobelly · 10/11/2018 09:54

My feeling is it's his brother - if it was some cousin or a not-so-close friend you didn't like then it might be a different matter - but I think that being the case your husband should go, unless that long with just you and the kids would be really impossible.

KristinaM · 10/11/2018 09:57

Make sure you spend the same amount of time and money going away on a couple of holidays by yourself / with your friends and leave him with the kids.

Original poster

Iloveeating · 10/11/2018 09:57

Finances- it would mean that we don't have any family break away together which is shit.

The money side is totally because I dislike the brother. He is a dickhead. But no matter who's wedding it was I think that's too much time away from us

OP posts:

CoughLaughFart · 10/11/2018 09:58

I completely get why you hate the brother, but no way can you insist on your husband not going to the wedding. It’s playing right into his hands.

SallyWD · 10/11/2018 10:00

I'm sorry. It's your husbands brother and he's entitled to go to the stag do and wedding. My mum stopped my dad going to his brother's wedding and I always thought it was very controlling. It was never forgotten. My husband is often away for work and I enjoy it to be honest! OK so it's hard work looking after the kids but in reality this is just a few days and it will fly by. Keep note of the Brownie points you've accrued and have a weekend away with mates to make up for it. This is what I do. If money is tight you could just go away and stay at a friend's house. If I was you I wouldn't make this difficult for your husband. He loves his brother and wants to be there for him.

Original poster

Iloveeating · 10/11/2018 10:02

I get he has to go to wedding but I think the stag abroad on top of it is taking the piss. It's going to cost 500 for flights and accommodation just for the wedding plus gift and spending money for the week which would bring it up to 1k and then stag on top of it will easily be another 500.

OP posts:

LuckyAmy1986 · 10/11/2018 10:05

I would be so pissed off about the money too, especially it meaning you can’t go away as a family. Have you explained this to your DH? That said if he wants to go you can’t abd shouldn’t stop him, it will be hard but be the bigger person. I half suspect the brother is trying to get under your skin from the sounds of it. He will be coming home to you and it’s only a week. But the money... yeah I’d be pissed.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 10/11/2018 10:07

It's his brother.
You're choosing not to go to the wedding.
Even if the stag was nearby you wouldn't be invited.

I don't think YABU but I think you'll just have to suck it up

Unicornandbows · 10/11/2018 10:08

Yabu it's his brother not someone random

AnyFucker · 10/11/2018 10:09

Suck it up, Buttercup.

I hate all these expensive, annual leave-sucking events too but this is his brother.

masterandmargarita · 10/11/2018 10:12

Can't you wrap a holiday around the wedding. Also as it's a wedding there will be more than the brother there - in laws etc. Its a family occasion

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/11/2018 10:14

Are you invited to the wedding?

TwistedStitch · 10/11/2018 10:15

What kind of twat has both the wedding AND stag do abroad? I wouldn't be happy about the money either. Could he forego the stag do at least, then you could still afford a short break as a family?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/11/2018 10:18

Have you been invited to the wedding?

You've quite possibly cut your nose off to spite your face here. The wedding wouldn't just be him; and you could have built a family holiday around it.

If you have the option; it may be time to gently reconsider. If you really don't want to go, you'll have to suck up that it's his brothers wedding and he needs to be there.

gamerwidow · 10/11/2018 10:19

Sorry but you're being unreasonable. It's his brother's wedding and if he wants to go to the stag and wedding he should be allowed to.
I get that it's annoying especially when your BIL is such a twat but it's a one time event and your DH shouldn't be made to miss it.

mummmy2017 · 10/11/2018 10:20

The wedding is only one day...
You should go and take the children...
BIL is counting on you not going... Spoil his fun...
If he says you can't go to wedding bonus... You get a day single sight seeing...

Original poster

Iloveeating · 10/11/2018 10:25

@TwistedStitch that is exactly how I feel.

I have been invited I just don't want to go. His mother has a bit of a drinking problem and both DH and myself know she would say something awful to me - she has done in the past so now when she drinks I'm usually sent off to bed!

I just feel the stag abroad is just too much. 3 days before the wedding they are having a big get together - why can't that be enough

OP posts:

Original poster

Iloveeating · 10/11/2018 10:26

@mummmy2017 it's not just one day, I would be expected to spend every day with them all

OP posts:

rookiemere · 10/11/2018 10:32

YANBU to be annoyed - hugely asshole behaviour to have both stag and wedding abroad. However as it's his brother I think you have to suck it up.
No point throwing good money after bad by bringing your family to the wedding. But do try to have a family holiday even if it's only a very cheap one.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/11/2018 10:33

Well if you are invited and choose not to go, you have no rights to stop you DH going. And you not going is just going to make you look petty and give them more fodder so to speak.

derxa · 10/11/2018 10:37

I think you need to develop a bit of resilience. Go to the wedding with your children. The DB sounds incredibly immature. Just rise above it.

worridmum · 10/11/2018 10:37

If you force this issue just hope you do not have any close family or friends have weddings you need to travel too. Because if you put your foot down for his brother your partner would have every right to do it you.

Piffle11 · 10/11/2018 10:38

It's his brother, he should go. I agree with sweeney that if you try and make him skip it, it may come back and bite you on the bum.

onalongsabbatical · 10/11/2018 10:39

His mother has a bit of a drinking problem and both DH and myself know she would say something awful to me - she has done in the past so now when she drinks I'm usually sent off to bed! and you go along with this because...?

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