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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to a stag and wedding abroad

87 replies

Iloveeating · 10/11/2018 09:49

I probably am being unreasonable.

I don't like my husband's brother, years ago he made some horrible comments about him deciding if myself and DH get to stay together, that he could end it if he wanted to. He made other comments then about a year after that saying my husband wasn't moving to my town as he has responsibilities in his home town ( he had no kids or job there so don't see what he was talking about where I had job where I lived etc).

This brother is getting married next year and wedding is abroad. I don't like him and have no intention of spending money on someone I don't like so I'm not going to the wedding.

Here is my unreasonable bit! The wedding is in a location very far away from airports etc and flights only go a few times a week so my husband was convinced to travel with wedding party as the venue is 1.5 hours away from destination airport (as well as us being 3 hours from departure airport as our local airport doesn't fly there). Turns out now he will be gone a week! Message comes in during the week that the stag is abroad as well, 2 nights (3 days) and I just think it's so unfair I'm going to be left alone with kids while he goes off twice for long periods of time and the cost involved as well. I hate the thought of all that money being spent on someone I dislike.

OP posts:

PBobs · 10/11/2018 10:41

What does your husband say when his brother and mum are being dickish? Apart from packing you off to bed I mean.

Moussemoose · 10/11/2018 10:42

One or the other would be reasonable.

Do you really think it's ok for a family member to demand a significant percentage of your yearly holiday allowance and a substantial sum of money to be spent because of where they want their wedding?

You do not need to rise above being insulted, you do not need to develop resilience to being insulted.

You need to not be insulted.

I can't believe posters think you should spend a really large amount of money to go somewhere, be insulted, and rise above it. Are you all doormats?

MuffyMcMoist · 10/11/2018 10:44

But no matter who's wedding it was I think that's too much time away from us

There are people on here whose partners regularly work away from home from Mon - Fri, or travel away with work for long periods.
Those people likely think it's a bit unreasonable to complain about a one off week. Which is your AIBU? Spending the money or being left to hold the fort alone?

QueenofmyPrinces · 10/11/2018 10:45

YAB totally U.

It’s his brother!!!!

If my DH tried to stop me either going to my sister’s hen night or wedding I would be FURIOUS with him!

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 10/11/2018 10:46

Can you not get a package to an airport which is closer to a convenient airport to you and go as a family. Then your DH hires a car and stays with a friend / family member at the wedding venue to go to the wedding, then comes back and completes the family holiday with you all. That way you get your holiday, DH goes to wedding and you only have to look after the kids for a couple of days on your own, hopefully lying by a pool.

Just let him go to the stag do as it is, and them compromise as a family for the wedding / family holiday

Moussemoose · 10/11/2018 10:51

Just because other people choose to spend time away from each other is nothing to do with the OP. Her DH and her have a different arrangement.

The family insult her and don't like her. Posters are suggesting she should spend a significant amount of family money, her children should miss out on a family holiday, her DH will use up a significant amount of leave.

Because.....his brother chooses to have his stag and wedding abroad.

The woman should just put up with family money being spent, her having to work harder or go an be insulted.

Wow are you really prepared to put up with that much shit in your lives? Do you really let people walk over you like that?

I'm astounded.

GreenTulips · 10/11/2018 10:52

As it's a familly wedding why isn't he taking the kids?

rainbowstardrops · 10/11/2018 10:55

It's shit but it's his brother so I think you'll just have to accept it this time. That doesn't mean to say I'd be happy about it though.
Is your DH the best man?
Your BIL sounds like a right prick.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/11/2018 11:02

Yes I would be rising above it and no I most certainly am not a doormat. I would be buying a dress I looked great in and paint a smile on my face then chat politely to people who I did get on with. Anyone who then starts making insulting remarks are shown up for the twats that they are. However OPs dislike of BIL seems to be based on remarks made years ago which he may have forgotten about. The being sent to bed bit is just downright weird. Nibody can send you to bed.

Original poster

Iloveeating · 10/11/2018 11:05

Thanks everyone. I get that most think I've to just suck it up and I will but glad a few see the unfairness of it from my side.

I never had any intention of stopping him going

OP posts:

Badtasteflump · 10/11/2018 11:07

His mother has a bit of a drinking problem and both DH and myself know she would say something awful to me - she has done in the past so now when she drinks I'm usually sent off to bed

From this and other comments you’ve made, it seeems like you are all enabling his family’s awful and disrespectful behaviour. Unless you’ve done something in the past that you’ve not mentioned, they shouldn’t think they can treat you that way with no repercussions.

If they are genuinely being awful to/about you for no good reason, DH and you need to start showing them that you, him and your DC are a family unit and deserve a bit of respect - which means not singling you out for shitty treatment amongst other things. As an aside - does your DH do/say anything when they treat you badly?

But anyway, re the wedding. I would probably make excuses for the stag do abroad and say DH would see him for a drink when he gets back. Re the wedding, all go as a family and then it can be a holiday for all of you. All go to the ceremony then if you want to disappear with/without the DC for the rest of the day you can as you’ve done the important bit.

MaxTeyon · 10/11/2018 11:08

But no matter who's wedding it was I think that's too much time away from us

Sorry, but that’s just pathetic. Some of us actually have to spend time away from our wives and kids. In the past couple of weeks I’ve spent 6 nights away from home, it’s shit but we’re grown ups so just deal with it. Spare a thought for those whose jobs keep them away for months at a time.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 10/11/2018 11:09

The wedding is fair enough, but mine wouldn't be going to the stag as well if it meant no family holiday for us. Stags do not take precedence over that.

Blanchedupetitpois · 10/11/2018 11:13

YABU. It’s his brother. I don’t think it’s particularly unfair either. I get why you don’t like the brother or want to go, but that doesn’t have to extend to your DH not going either.

Seaweed42 · 10/11/2018 11:15

OK I get his brother is possessive about your DH. He some childish and hurtful remarks to you YEARS ago.
You are still huffing over it years later. You hate his brother 'controlling' your husband. You don't like it when anyone has influence over your DH.
You more or less don't like DHs family either. Funny enough you appear to share some possessiveness traits with your DHs brother. You are now 'paying back' the brother by boycotting his wedding.
You choose not to go to the wedding. Now you are resenting your DH going to his brother's wedding and the stag night. These family events are very precious, they only happen a very few times in a lifetime.
Mind you, your DH will probably prefer if you are not there so he won't have to tiptoe around being afraid to show any affection or express any positivity towards his brother and family or you'll get huffy and jealous.

Santaclarita · 10/11/2018 11:18

So, you all would be happy if your partners went away twice in one year, spending all the family money on holidays, and you get no holidays at all in the year? Right..

I don't think you are being unreasonable really. He could go to the wedding, but not for the entire week leading up to it, and not the stag do. He married you, so his loyalties should lie with you and your family. The family are also rude to you. It's a lot of money and time to spend on such rude people.

Sethis · 10/11/2018 11:19

How old are the kids?

I'd be thinking of doing something with them that's special, even if budget and low-cost. Any chance of renting a cottage in the countryside for a few days or cheap flights to Milan and an AirBnB over the weekend or something similar?

Maybe would be a nice idea to spend some time with friends/family who you do like, and who can help share the kids for a couple of days. Do you have your own family or friends to visit?

I think you're being hugely unfair to your DH to resent him for "spending so much time away". I'm pretty sure you'd give him short shrift if it was your sister getting married abroad and he was complaining about you leaving him behind, especially when it was HIS choice not to come with you in the first place. Look for positive solutions and possibilities rather than complaining and resenting it.

Moussemoose · 10/11/2018 11:23

Some people have to put up with a lot of crap but why should the OP?

Your partner chooses to work away that's your decision. Why should the OP be expected to put up with crap because of your decision? Such a bizarre concept she should make decisions based on your life.

No one should rise above being insulted. By rising above it you are enabling their behaviour to continue. They won't think "oh look the OP is dignified and resilient" they will get pissed and call her names.

So many people making excuses for poor behaviour. You do not have to put up with it. You do not have to allow yourself to be treated badly. You do not have to enable their poor decisions.

Women taking on other people's crap and trying to make a virtue of it is why so many women have mental health issues.

You deserve better, value yourself and don't let others treat you like crap.

Original poster

Iloveeating · 10/11/2018 11:24

@MaxTeyon I don't see why your cross with me for your job taking you away from your family

OP posts:

Original poster

Iloveeating · 10/11/2018 11:25

@Badtasteflump they don't like me because I stand up for myself so I just find it easier to stay away from them to avoid fighting

OP posts:

WitchesHatRim · 10/11/2018 11:27

Wow are you really prepared to put up with that much shit in your lives? Do you really let people walk over you like that?

I'm astounded.

Oh give over with the faux outrage.

Personally I wouldn't go but I wouldn't stop DH going either. Just like I wouldn't expect him to stop me if the roles were reversed.

Original poster

Iloveeating · 10/11/2018 11:32

Ok sorry everyone I must have given the wrong impression if you thought I was going to stop him. I just thought it was unfair.

@Seaweed42 I actually don't even know how to reply to that post. Maybe your just in a bad mood or something so here have a

OP posts:

MrsStrowman · 10/11/2018 11:34

It's his brother's wedding, they've invited you, you chose not to go. The brother isn't controlling your husband I assume he wants to go or wouldn't be. Personally I'd be going, your BIL made some comments you didn't like years ago, I'm not a grudge holder, you also seem quite defensive (I get sent to bed, who can send you to bed you're an adult?) and judgemental, maybe you come across as combative? Self reflection is often more helpful than out and out blame, it's rare in conflicts that one party is wholly innocent and the other wholly guilty, taking responsibility for your own part in it or just accepting you can't change others can take out some of the anger, and reduce the chance of it re-escalating every time you see them. I've never known as many long term family feuds and NC situations as I've seen on MN which is madness given the nature of the industry I work in.

Moussemoose · 10/11/2018 11:38

It's not faux outrage it's genuine concern.

Women are treated like crap by men - read MN. How many women come on with outrageous tales about men? How many women come on with tales of being mistreated at work? All the time you read about women being intimidated and treated badly.

The OP is refusing to be insulted and posters are saying she should put up with it? The OP regards the father of her children as an equal partner and expects support and posters are saying she is soft? The OP considers the money, family money, and posters say it should be spent on her DH to the detriment of everyone else in the family.

A woman refusing to act like a well behaved 'good girl' who is calling people on their crap and other women are telling her to let him spend the money, let her do all the work, and and btw she should allow herself to insulted as well!

I don't think there is any 'faux' in my outrage. If women don't value themselves then they are fucked because it is bloody clear other women expect them to put with and enable all kinds of crap.

gardencarrot · 10/11/2018 11:39

Why not make it a family holiday, stay a bit further away from the wedding party and you still don't go to the wedding?

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