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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband going to a stag and wedding abroad

87 replies

Iloveeating · 10/11/2018 09:49

I probably am being unreasonable.

I don't like my husband's brother, years ago he made some horrible comments about him deciding if myself and DH get to stay together, that he could end it if he wanted to. He made other comments then about a year after that saying my husband wasn't moving to my town as he has responsibilities in his home town ( he had no kids or job there so don't see what he was talking about where I had job where I lived etc).

This brother is getting married next year and wedding is abroad. I don't like him and have no intention of spending money on someone I don't like so I'm not going to the wedding.

Here is my unreasonable bit! The wedding is in a location very far away from airports etc and flights only go a few times a week so my husband was convinced to travel with wedding party as the venue is 1.5 hours away from destination airport (as well as us being 3 hours from departure airport as our local airport doesn't fly there). Turns out now he will be gone a week! Message comes in during the week that the stag is abroad as well, 2 nights (3 days) and I just think it's so unfair I'm going to be left alone with kids while he goes off twice for long periods of time and the cost involved as well. I hate the thought of all that money being spent on someone I dislike.

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 10/11/2018 11:40

Oh a "combative" women the horror!Shock

The advice on this thread keeps getting worse.

Megan2018 · 10/11/2018 11:40

YABVU. This is his brother - whether you like him matters not!

And why should you get to duck out of his family events just because you don't like them? You should be together as a unit.

I don't like some of my DH's relations - I still go to all the family events. My DH can't stand my DB's GF (neither can I if I am honest) - but we still smile and get on with it.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 10/11/2018 11:43

You aren't spending the money on the brother, you are spending it on your DH. He doesn't really have much choice.
At least you have the kids as an excuse not to go. That's saving you money.
Think of it as an expense like replacing the car.I don't think having the kids on your own for week is that bad. Use it as an excuse to drop standards and chill out without routine whilst he's away.

Franinipancake · 10/11/2018 11:44

The brother sounds like an a*hole, but unfortunately it IS his brother. If your DH doesn't go to the stag and it's known by his family that it is because of you, it will be an irrevocable step you're taking in souring relations with them. It'll never be forgotten and for me that just wouldn't be worth it. I would try to make the best of a shit situation. I'd try and arrange something for the kids and me to do while he's away at the stag (visiting friends or having my family up or something) and I'd probably go to the wedding and turn it into a holiday for me and the kids. I'd make plans for that time that don't rely on DH being there, because he'll be doing arsehole brother related wedding stuff and it'll just add to your feelings of tension and frustration if he agrees to things with you and then cancels. At the moment though you're just going to be at home seething for two weeks during the stag/wedding and that's no good.

headlessPersephone · 10/11/2018 11:48

Looking at this totally independently, you should all go the wedding as the destination means a week away, the cost for all vs one is not going to be stupid and it would be a nice holiday with one day of wedding stuff in middle, your dh then feels supported.
He does not need to go on the stag as that is £500 which is being only used on him and could be used on family, so unless you have £500 dis income then stag is not needed. The time away is not irrelevant but is petty.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/11/2018 11:50

YABU.

You don’t like your bil but that’s irrelevant.

Your DH wants to go to his brothers stag/wedding and he should go.

Adnerb95 · 10/11/2018 11:50

^
This, with bells on.

Some posters are great at upping the ante completely unnecessarily.

Adnerb95 · 10/11/2018 11:52

I was agreeing with Fran, headless and Through

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 10/11/2018 11:54

OP, I feel for you. Flowers

His family sounds awful.

But since it's his brother and I assume your DH wants to go, you'll have to suck it up. I totally get why would you be annoyed though.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/11/2018 12:03

I wonder if they are, actually, not that bad but you happen to be precious, insecure and controlling. The brother invited you and your family to his wedding, after all - you are the one stamping your feet and refusing to go. And what about the DC - are you going to insist they can't have a relationship with their uncle because you and he don't get on?

LasMeninas · 10/11/2018 12:04

This is just one of those things you have to deal with. I've turned down numerous hen parties/weddings abroad for financial reasons, but if it's a sibling, you just suck it up and go.

MissEliza · 10/11/2018 12:13

It's his brother. He has to go. I do agree having a wedding and stag abroad takes the piss though.

Whocansay · 10/11/2018 12:15

I wouldn't be happy about my DH going to a wedding abroad for a week. That's a week's annual leave, plus family money. I don't think he HAS to go at all, even if it is his brother. If you have a destination wedding, you have to appreciate that not everyone can go. It doesn't sound like your DH can pitch up for a weekend and then come home.

And I totally agree if he's going to that, he shouldn't be going on the Stag. It's really not fair on you.

diddl · 10/11/2018 12:18

Of course he doesn't have to go just because it's his brother!

Not when it's abroad for a week & would mean no family holiday.

However, I do think that he could look at just going to the wedding or Op could look at also going.

dontalltalkatonce · 10/11/2018 12:31

I don't buy all the suck it up because it's his brother business. What kind of man puts a stag do and destination wedding above a holiday for his own family? There's no way in a million years I would do that to my family. My brother would get married without me there.

diddl · 10/11/2018 12:34

Why does he have to go because it's his brother?

What if he can't afford it/get the time off work?

Gazelda · 10/11/2018 12:41

I think it's unreasonable of you to say "it's not fair" over the wedding. How would you feel if your DH begrudged you celebrating a special occasion of someone you love but he hates?
But I think he would be being unreasonable to go on the stag weekend if it means that your family won't get a holiday next year.
Surely you can both compromise without resentment?

LasMeninas · 10/11/2018 12:45

Why does he have to go because it's his brother?

Of course he doesn't have to go just because it's his brother!

It's not so much that he has to go, it's that OP has to let him go if he wants to. Which I think she said he does. She may not like the guy, but trying to stop your partner going to a sibling's wedding is not something I would ever do.

diddl · 10/11/2018 15:26

" it's that OP has to let him go if he wants to. "

Like fuck she does if it's depleting family money & leaving her alone longer than is necessary.

LasMeninas · 10/11/2018 15:57

"has to" is clearly a figure of speech. Of course she can argue with him about it. She wanted outside opinions, I gave mine, which is that I would let my OH use family money to attend a sibling's stag-do and/or wedding.

Adnerb95 · 10/11/2018 18:40

Strange idea that some have that you can't possibly go without a family holiday in order to attend a close relative's major event!?

After all there are lots of reasons in the first 10/15 years of married life we didn't have a family holiday - simply didn't have the cash/simply didn't have the time/other priorities came first - family illness, important house projects, educational considerations, etc e. On one occasion, it was the expense of a family wedding. Not a big deal.

What is so sacred about the family holiday?

Shoxfordian · 10/11/2018 18:54

Yabu, it's his brother
You could be gracious for one day and go too
Or you can stay home and sulk

SleepingStandingUp · 10/11/2018 18:56

Why aren't the kids going to the wedding?

CoughLaughFart · 10/11/2018 19:42

*Why does he have to go because it's his brother?

What if he can't afford it/get the time off work?*

That’s not really relevant, is it? Those are just scenarios you’ve invented. If either were an issue this thread wouldn’t exist.

bellabasset · 10/11/2018 19:56

I think that in a family situation it's fair to look at the family budget. My view is that you and your dc's should all go to the wedding but stay independently from the family other than the night of the wedding

If the BIL chooses to have a stag do abroad he needs to understand that not everyone can afford that and an overseas wedding.

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