I'm so dumb...

[StupidSis]

I chose my username because I know that I'm being stupid but my feelings are still very hurt. I don't know what to do about them.

My younger brother is getting married. I am 36 and he is 33. He has chosen his wedding party. I have 3 brothers in total. One of them is estranged and he would have been the best man if he was speaking to the rest of our family. The second brother is a groomsman. 2 of our cousins are a bridesmaid and a groomsman respectively. The other roles are filled out by friends.

I feel very hurt that I was not asked to be a bridesmaid or a groomswoman. I am the only sister and it's painful to see cousins were chosen for those roles ahead of me. At the last minute, I was given a role as a reader. It was also embarrassing to find out that I was not chosen to be a wedding party member in a very public way. My brother and his fiancee had a huge engagement party. They called up everyone who was involved in the wedding to the front of a large room in the restaurant where the party was held. Many of our close friends and relatives were whispering about the fact that I wasn't a bridesmaid. Our mother asked me if I was going to go up to the front when the wedding party members were called and I quietly informed our mother that I was a reader. I left the party soon after that.

I always thought that my brother and I were close. We usually got along well as kids and adults. I was always there for him in many ways. Years ago, my brother and fiancee were in a long distance relationship and he was very sad about her absence. I gave him plane fare and some spending money to go see her because I hated seeing my little brother in pain. I have always supported his relationship with his fiancee as well. My brother is always praising me to others because I am a "wonderful aunt" to his daughters.

My husband understands why I'm so hurt and so does the rest of our family. In our culture and our family, siblings are always in wedding parties unless there is an extenuating circumstance such as serious illness or feuds. My mother thinks that including one sibling and not the other was very rude and so was choosing cousins over a sister.

I do not even want to attend the wedding since I feel that my brother and his fiancee do not like me. Nevertheless, boycotting the wedding would cause more drama. My husband offered to plan a minibreak the same weekend of the wedding. On the invitations, we will specify that we will only attend the ceremony. A cousin of mine warned me that only attending the ceremony could lead to wagging tongues as well as upsetting my brother and his fiancee.

I greatly appreciate all who read this far. Once again, I know that I sound stupid and immature but I can't help how I feel. I have been quite sad about this for a few months. It hurts to find out that you aren't important to a close family member.

Op I do find it strange that a female cousin was picked over you but then it is also unusual to have bridesmaids from the grooms family as they are usually from.the brides side unless she doesn't have any female family members?
No disrespect but maybe as you are older than him, they assumed that you wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid?
My DH sisters I remember were upset that I hadn't chosen them as bridesmaids but it was the first family wedding so maybe they were naive. I have 2 sisters and a best friend so I wouldn't have chosen them anyway.
I know that it annoyed them because years later at their weddings myself and DH were kept well away from rest of the family with no roles.
Families are annoying most of the time. I suggest you go and do as little as you can do to help in the day. Enjoy yourself at their expense!

Where I live, wedding attendants are chosen based on their closeness to the bride or groom. So in your case I would have chosen a cousin over my sister as my cousin and I are extremely close. My sister and I have a good relationship, but I wouldn't say we're particularly close as we are too different in nature. Cousin and I are like two peas in a pod. My sister would choose her BFF over me. Neither DSis nor I had big weddings so the issue never arose, but neither of us would have been upset at the other. Nor would my DH have chosen his brother over his BFF. His brother is an arsehole.

But I think you really, really need to get over this! Why on earth would you want to fracture your relationship with your DB and SiL over who gets to be bridesmaid? Foolish to do that over one day in a lifetime full of days. And the rest of the family need to butt out and keep their gossiping tongues to themselves!

serialweightwatcher. I didn't say she should tell the bride. I think it is appalling that people scrapping over who gets to do what in the wedding when "everyone" knows that the wedding is a sham and the groom is an unfaithful cockwomble.

But the main thing is they all get to have a lovely do.

i dont think yabu but as a sister who was pushed out by my sis in law on many occasions i would just let it go over my head , my brother died 3 years ago aged 44 and if gad been up to my sis in law i wouldnt of attended the funeral either. just bite your tongue and have a lovely day at his wedding as you never know how long theyre here for and your not dumb or stupid . xxx

It doesnt matter what we think..thats how the OP feels and shes hurt.
Would you be brave enough to talk to your brother although he might not be able to do anything about it
Which would give you an idea of how your relationship is going to be in the future.Family business can be so crappy at times

Bearing in mind the cultural aspect, I completely understand how hurt you are. And to to make the announcements at the engagement party in such a thoughtless way, just makes it worse. My DS got married recently and chose her daughter and friends as bridesmaids, and not me - her only sister. The difference is that she spoke to me first to check I wouldn't be offended by this. I wasn't, but appreciated that she cared enough to ask.

My guess is that your DB's fiancee is focussed on having her own close friends and family around her on her special day so, maybe, can be forgiven for forgetting you. Your DB sounds like a thoughtless prick. Now you know this.

I think you've chosen the right course of action in just attending the ceremony. It shows dignity and just enough support for your family, while sending a clear message to your DB.

Do you think it’s a male/ female thing?

Recent weddings i have been to it’s noticeably gender split.

Grooms dad, brothers, friends, groomsman, wedding party, all male. Even grooms mother has no big role.

Brides party all female. Which is only really bridesmaids anyway.

The only real female roles in weddings are bridesmaids, which tend to be chosen from brides friends and family. Ushers etc always tend to be male.

Not excusing, it still sounds shit, but weddings are steeped in patriachal tradition and if you’re a woman and not the bride or a bridesmaid everything else is given to men.

He also said that they were trying to include me by giving me a reading.

Ugh, it's like they're doing you a favour. Fuck their reading.

I took care of my younger brother his whole life. I’m good enough to host family holiday dinners and invite my brother and his fiancée. I’m good enough to pay $1200 for trips to see his fiancée

Well all that stops, hopefully? He's a twat.

My DH was in a similar situation with his sister. His two other siblings had roles, as did BILs siblings. All we had to do was buy a matching outfit for our DS (who wasn't in the wedding party either ).
We aren't in a single wedding photo (nobody though to make sure the whole family were included in the group shot) and we weren't saved a seat with the rest of the family at the front of the church.
I think I feel more bitter than DH, particularly for everything we've done for SIL, but agree with other posters about not rocking the boat. A wedding is one day, you have a lifetime to build relationships.

I’d probably ask for my £1200 back and spend it on a weekend away over the wedding.

(Given the ‘financial situation’ your brother thinks you’re in)

^This

In OP's cultural context, leaving out one sibling (OP) but including a mere cousin is a direct snub, regardless of how close SIL is to the cousin.

OP. IMO YANBU to feel upset. From what you’ve said it is a bit of a snub. Tbh being a bridesmaid is a massive pain up the arse, but my family - like yours - it’s the done thing to have a role in a wedding party (whether you want it or not lol). In your place, I’d go to the wedding and reception, hold my head high and smile like my life depended on it. I’d then maintain a bit of a distance after that. I also wouldn’t worry about people gossiping about you at the wedding. Let them. If they want answers then point them in the bride & groom’s direction. Good luck x

I wouldn't go. Go away on the break with your DH instead. If tongues wag over it, let them and let your brother have to answer the questions as to why he chose a cousin over you. You're not dumb. He'll be the dumb one if he gets upset you didn't attend when he caused it! Enjoy your mini break and don't think about it while you're there.

I'm off to Dbro's wedding next year and it hasn't even occurred to me to take the huff that I'm not in the wedding party!
Doesn't the bride choose her bridesmaids? I know I did!
Stands to reason that it will be her sisters/close friends or whoever. Not her husband to be's.
Oh, and a a reader is a part in the wedding.

As the older sister of the groom it would surely be rather unsual for you to act as a bridesmaid? That doesn't make you dumb for being hurt. We only had people who were important to us doing the readings if that helps to make you feel any better.

Please don’t give anyone any excuse to say how bad it was that you’re not there/ weren’t there. Honestly, it’s one day, and you’ll have your oh by your side. I dread for you it being one of those ‘ omg, can you believe she didn’t show? ‘ things, than carry on down the years.... people are likely to remember, whereas I doubt anyone will be saying in future times how shocking it was that you weren’t a bridesmaid. Please go, don’t make things bad for yourself, or look bad. Rise above it. I agree it usually brides friends, and how many grooms really get involved with planning? I’m thinking your role as reader has been given as you are older than him, and they’ve struggled to find an appropriate role for you ( as they see it)Go, enjoy re-connecting with family you’ve not seen for a while, weddings are great for that.

I think being a reader is an important role, not just being a pretty bridesmaid but having something important to say. Can you choose what you read? If so, choose wisely, take the stage, look stunning and steal the show.

Does it really matter? Is this really worth damaging your relationship with your brother over? And your mother's relationship with them!

Imagine how things would be different now if you had never kicked up a fuss or just told you mum that it didn't matter and that you're very happy to be doing a reading for them. Weddings are meant to be happy occasions. Why would you want to associate their happy day with bitterness and anger, live and let live.

@troodiedoo I like that! Or even still turn up in white! It was probably the brides choice to leave you out it's extremely rude to have cousins and not you, maybe it it was a group of her friends I'd cope! I wouldn't want to go either but stay for abit then sneek off

Is the 35 year old cousin married?

I know it's your culture and it sounds very old fashioned, but I don't think they have particularly snubbed you. They've moved forward, they've done things in a more modern way. They've chosen people that they're close to not people who are simply tradition. They tried to make you feel included by having you read the reading. They've not excluded you at all. It sounds silly that you've blown it up into such a drama.

And why turn a blind eye on cheating??

A 36 year old married women is not usually a bridesmaid, traditionally. Being married means traditionally you won't be asked. Matron of Honour perhaps but perhaps they didn't want that.

From the other perspective, I got married and my dsil kicked off at DH (her brother) so royally that I didnt choose her as my bridesmaid. We werent close. She threatened to never talk to him or me again, and said that it was unfair as she had used my dh as her usher and we should do the same. She pushed and pushed, cried to mil and fil and made such a scene. In the end dh asked me to ask her to be a bridesmaid to keep her quiet and to do it 'for him'.

I gave in in the end although I still regret letting her get her way. It was so awkward to put on a ridiculous show of asking her when I didnt want to. I never forgot it and still resent her for it now. It showed me what kind of a person she was from the get go that she would put her feelings above mine on one of the most important days of my life.

My db is getting married next year and I'm not part of the wedding and neither are my dh or kids. I'm not worried, as long as I get to share their day with them. If I was worried I'd never ever mention it.

Their day is nothing to do with me, it's what THEY want. plus I'm 34 and have no need to be a bridesmaid anyway.

I think you need to drop it and be happy you're sharing their day. Why do you feel undermined because someone hasn't given you any sort of title? It all seems childish and weird and like you're over invested in all this.

You have to go - not doubt about that. But you should also speak to your brother - he may have no idea how you feel. Trust that if you are honest and open the right thing will happen. Good luck

I am so sorry you are going through this. Similar happened to me a few years ago but I didn't have the support of my parents. It destroyed me. I went to the wedding. It was soul destroying. I stayed as long as I could and then made our excuses and left. Didn't bother saying goodbye to the happy couple, they clearly didn't care whether I was there or not. I have no answers for you I'm afraid, but in the run up and the aftermath, please be kind to yourself.

I think this is very hurtful. I chose my dh niece along with my own dn as I wanted to start off my marriage unifying our two families. I would not be putting myself out for a sil like that. I would go to wedding and show grace for sake of parents bit would decline reading. I would also not be available to babysit in future. Let sil find someone else.