I'm so dumb...

[StupidSis]

I chose my username because I know that I'm being stupid but my feelings are still very hurt. I don't know what to do about them.

My younger brother is getting married. I am 36 and he is 33. He has chosen his wedding party. I have 3 brothers in total. One of them is estranged and he would have been the best man if he was speaking to the rest of our family. The second brother is a groomsman. 2 of our cousins are a bridesmaid and a groomsman respectively. The other roles are filled out by friends.

I feel very hurt that I was not asked to be a bridesmaid or a groomswoman. I am the only sister and it's painful to see cousins were chosen for those roles ahead of me. At the last minute, I was given a role as a reader. It was also embarrassing to find out that I was not chosen to be a wedding party member in a very public way. My brother and his fiancee had a huge engagement party. They called up everyone who was involved in the wedding to the front of a large room in the restaurant where the party was held. Many of our close friends and relatives were whispering about the fact that I wasn't a bridesmaid. Our mother asked me if I was going to go up to the front when the wedding party members were called and I quietly informed our mother that I was a reader. I left the party soon after that.

I always thought that my brother and I were close. We usually got along well as kids and adults. I was always there for him in many ways. Years ago, my brother and fiancee were in a long distance relationship and he was very sad about her absence. I gave him plane fare and some spending money to go see her because I hated seeing my little brother in pain. I have always supported his relationship with his fiancee as well. My brother is always praising me to others because I am a "wonderful aunt" to his daughters.

My husband understands why I'm so hurt and so does the rest of our family. In our culture and our family, siblings are always in wedding parties unless there is an extenuating circumstance such as serious illness or feuds. My mother thinks that including one sibling and not the other was very rude and so was choosing cousins over a sister.

I do not even want to attend the wedding since I feel that my brother and his fiancee do not like me. Nevertheless, boycotting the wedding would cause more drama. My husband offered to plan a minibreak the same weekend of the wedding. On the invitations, we will specify that we will only attend the ceremony. A cousin of mine warned me that only attending the ceremony could lead to wagging tongues as well as upsetting my brother and his fiancee.

I greatly appreciate all who read this far. Once again, I know that I sound stupid and immature but I can't help how I feel. I have been quite sad about this for a few months. It hurts to find out that you aren't important to a close family member.

A reader is very important
are the bridesmaids younger?

This isn't nice.
I think you should either;
Speak to your brother and say you would have liked to be a spokeswoman
Or
Add your own choice of reading which subtly highlights your feelings about the pair of them.

Belindabauer are you serious?
You think it would be ok to for OP to subtly dig at a bride and groom during their wedding simply because she's not been invited to be a bridesmaid or groomswoman?
She is part of the celebration - she's been asked to do a reading at the ceremony. That's an honour in my eyes.
To hide bitchy references in the reading would be unforgivable.

That is really sad, yanbu or dumb, any one of us would feel hurt.

I'm quite forthright and would have to say that my feelings were hurt and that I'm not going - it's too late, after announcing it at the engagement party, to make you a bridesmaid.

I, personally, would have to know why cousins were chosen but I wasn't.

Yanbu op. 💐💐💐

Why would you expect to be a bridesmaid? Are you besties with the bride? I didn't have my SIL as my bridesmaid and didn't feel the need to let her know before 'announcing' the wedding party as she wouldn't have assumed she was included.

Are you close to SIL? It's her that will have chosen her BM's. Are the cousins unmarried? Traditionally bridesmaids were and sometimes still are.
Did you say you've been asked to do a reading? So you are involved.
Do you have kids that will be at the wedding? Maybe they think you'll be busy enough.
I wasn't bridesmaid at my brothers wedding, my sil chose people she was close to and that's totally fine. We've become close over recent years since having children etc. Don't potentially ruin a family relationship just because you want to wear the same dress as the others 🙄

Honestly I think I'd get a grip if i were you, if you don't go to the full wedding and try to enjoy yourself you'll look back in years to come and be embarrassed and disappointed with yourself.

Going against the flow somewhat, if I were you I would go, wear a massive (if fake) smile and be unbelievably pleasant to everyone. That way you come out if it all with your reputation and integrity intact and your dB & stb sil look like the arses. Put on your big girl pants and show them you are better than that. I'm sorry you feel so hurt, but weddings are notoriously awful affairs & frequently result in hurt feelings amongst family members imo!! Rise above it OP!! Good luck!

Also when they called up the wedding party (unless they did it by name and excluded you) they meant you too as the reader.

Hmm. Have you ever done anything to offend your brother's fiancée?

your dB & stb sil look like the arses

Seriously? Nobody looks like arses for asking the sister of the groom to do a reading instead of being a bridesmaid

I get on well with SIL but she wasn't my bridesmaid, I think you're being very sensitive. I wouldn't expect to be hers either, she has sisters and close female friends and I've not seen a 'groomswoman' yet , a role as a reader is a trusted and quite personal role so to me or send they have thought of you. Are you married? Are you sensitive because your little brother is getting married before you?

no it would be the snub out of the wedding party the only member of the intimidate family not included in the wedding party that would do it for me.

I do not care about being a bridesmaid it would be the exculsion from the main group that would do it (aka not on top table only member of immidate family not on there and extended family on their to boot to make the public snub more pronounced).

MrsStrowman She talks about her husband in the OP so I would think so, yes??

Would people on here really go to a wedding of a sibling that made such a big show and dance of stuff in front of everyone inviting the whole immidate family up to the front to annouce that these will be the wedding group (leaving only the OP being the only sibling/ parent not included ).

People are either dense or do not care that they are being so publicly snubbed its unreal.

Doing a reading is not being party of the main party group so will be the only sibling not with the main family so relegated to the normal tables with uncles and aunties etc

That is what i would be avoiding not the disappointment of not being a bridesmaid.

phantomofthenorthlane exactly my thoughts upthread. I agree sometimes saying nothing and holding your head high is far more effective sometimes.

Creating drama before, during or after the wedding can be used against you. Don't give anyone that satisfaction.

What has your brother said when you told him you were hurt?

Sweeney. oh just based on what the OP said re the way things are normally done in her culture / how it's viewed by family. Not what I would think really, or suggesting she actually SAYS that to anyone in RL, but OP was after advice as to how to behave. I'm just saying rise above it rather than make a drama and not go. Really.

I wasn’t invited to my cousins wedding. The only close family member not to be. I kind of understood as we have 3kids and the venue was small and intimate....you have to draw the line somewhere.
I didn’t want anyone to know I was upset although some family members were offended on my behalf. I offered to look after everyone’s kids instead, they all dropped them at my house and we had a fab sleep over which all the kids remember years later. Came out of it quite the hero

I agree with those who feel you're being oversensitive. You're being involved as a reader. You don't say that you're close to the bride, plus you're married and 36 and should be well over being a bridesmaid, unless it was your absolute bestie. To not attend the wedding would seem like a dramatic flounce, drawing attention to you and making a bigger deal of it than it is. Sure you can amass evidence for it being a snub, but you could also reframe it as not a big deal and just go along enjoy the day.

Thank you for all of the kind responses.
I was expecting angry replies.

My mother asked my brother about this issue of her own accord. She’s hurt and appalled because this is just not done in our family-an only sister or brother is always invited to stand up with siblings. Because of this tradition, my mother kept telling me that I was surely going to be in the wedding party.

My brother told my mother that he was concerned about financial considerations. The bridesmaids are taking more than one expensive trip to celebrate and he didn’t want me to have that burden because I own a home. That excuse is stupid because everyone knows that my husband does well for himself. He earns six figures and we have no children. I work part time and attend university online. I’m not sharing this information to boast....I only want to illustrate why the financial excuse is utter rubbish.

I did speak to my brother. At first he was kind but then he said that he doesn’t owe me an explanation and they picked who they wanted. That was hurtful. He also said that they were trying to include me by giving me a reading. My brother was also perturbed because he was offended that I told my parent that he and his fiancée don’t like me. What else was I supposed to think after such a public slight?!

My brother’s fiancée is very close to my cousin. My brother is also very close to my other cousin. That doesn’t bother me at all. I just think it’s awful that cousins were chosen over me.

It’s strange....my mother always said that my brother’s fiancée was not a sweet person and she was cold. Like an idiot, I often defended my brother’s fiancée because she seemed very sweet before all of this. Now I see what my mom was saying.

I feel like such a fool because I went above and beyond to be kind to my brother’s fiancée. After they were engaged, she sent me a text saying “Thank you for the love from the very start.”

I was never banned from the reception. I am expected to attend the ceremony and reception. I am not going to the reception. I am the only person in the family whom my estranged brother still talks to. We have always had a special relationship. My brother, along with my cousin, believes that not attending the reception would make a big statement about how I really feel about the couple. In his eyes, it would show that I am not interested in celebrating with them and I didn’t really want to come to the wedding. My brother also thinks it would lead to gossip and speculation.

At the root of my pain is the fact that I have been excluded my whole life. Because I’m the only daughter, my brothers were always a cohesive group which I was never allowed to join because of my gender. They would go off together and leave me out. This continued into adulthood. Growing up, I was the geeky bookworm who was bullied by peers and family members. I was quiet and sensitive so people targeted me. Obviously, my emotional baggage is not my brother’s problem but I thought it would be useful to provide context.

I guess I’m good enough to be a caretaker but not good enough to be included; I took care of my younger brother his whole life. I’m good enough to host family holiday dinners and invite my brother and his fiancée. I’m good enough to pay $1200 for trips to see his fiancée. Alas, I am not good enough to stand next to my brother on his special day even though other siblings and cousins are.

I talked to my therapist about this. She was appalled and she believes that I will never feel close to my brother again. She’s right.

Your therapist really said she was appalled that your future sil hadn't asked you to be a bridesmaid. Really? She actually said she was appalled?

You say it's not how it's done in your family? How many weddings could there have been considering there's 4 (?) of you? At least one is yet unmarried and one is estranged.

I understand you are upset but I think other people are feeding your feelings.

I read at my brothers wedding. I genuinely considered it an honour. I framed the poems afterwards and they have them hanging in their hallway.

A wedding is a single day. Unless you are the one getting married it will not define your relationship. If you have been close to your brother previously I'd try to look past the wedding and focus on that.

After reading your last update you obviously have issues deeper than the wedding. It sounds like you are angry with them because you are a girl. And not going to the ceremony but not the reception is a childish way of saying screw you i can leave you out now.

"My brother’s fiancée is very close to my cousin. My brother is also very close to my other cousin. That doesn’t bother me at all. I just think it’s awful that cousins were chosen over me."

But the answer is right there. They are very close, that's why they were chosen over you. It's no good saying this is not the done thing in your family. Perhaps your SIL finds that kind of edict stifling and wants to do things her own way in her own family. That's fair enough. Family traditions aren't rigid rules, they evolve depending on who's involved. I agree that people are feeding your feelings and you need to look past it.