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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my daughter shouldn’t be called a bitch

159 replies

Fettuccinecarbonara · 09/11/2018 23:36

My daughter is 10 and in year 6 of primary school.

Lots of issues around friendships which teachers are aware of.

Today the girls of year 6 were taken into a room by a teacher and spoken to about how they interacted with one another. During this speech the teacher called them all bitches, then later said that this bitching had to stop.

Aibu to think there was no need to use this terminology. The message could have been gotten across without using such language.

OP posts:
Hermagsjesty · 10/11/2018 08:29

I’m genuinely shocked by some of the responses on this thread. Kids are not always lying. Adults aren’t always perfectly appropriately behaved. And that attitude is incredibly dangerous to vulnerable young people. It’s important that we listen to and believe children.

OP - I would check the wording carefully with your daughter. If she’s certain that is what was said, I’d raise it with the school - not in a all-guns-blazing way, I’d just comment that you’re concerned language like that is likely to inflame the situation rather than help.

ifonlyus · 10/11/2018 08:30

Relational aggression - the type of bullying behaviour that is not physical - has been shown to exist among groups of boys as much as among groups of girls.

donquixotedelamancha · 10/11/2018 08:32

Why on earth on these threads, does everyone assume the child is a liar and the teacher can do no wrong?

People don't assume that. On many threads there are loons taking what children say as gospel and ranting that the teacher should be crucified.

People with a lot of experience with children understand how they perceive situations differently and try to avoid taking responsibility- that's part of being a kid.

As a parent you are passionately on your child's side and it can sometimes be hard to look at a situation dispassionately. In this case there is an obvious explanation, which seems very likely.

TammySwansonTwo · 10/11/2018 08:35

Hideous responses.

All 10 year olds are liars? I guess that’s why I wasn’t believed when I was an abused 10 year old.

And of course pulling every girl in a year group and using the words bitch or bitching is sexist. Would they use the same words to the boys - or would they just be boys being boys? Never mind the fact they’re calling them all bitchy whether they’re a bully or a victim - cos hey, even if they’re the victim, they’re girls so they’re probably being bitchy.

Give me a break.

Killybashangel · 10/11/2018 08:35

I wish we could get rid of the words bitch and bitching. It's one of many insults that's only used against girls and women, when boys and men can be just as nasty.

Teateaandmoretea · 10/11/2018 08:38

Relational aggression - the type of bullying behaviour that is not physical - has been shown to exist among groups of boys as much as among groups of girls.

Not to mention that boys are often really mean to girls, making comments about how they look etc.

Sleepsoon7 · 10/11/2018 08:38

I’d decide whether this was a battle I wanted to take on first of all. It may be something worth letting go if dd is getting support from this teacher otherwise. If I did decide to pursue I would clarify with dd what was said and I would tell her I was going to gave a chat with the teacher so it was important that if she was unsure of anything she told me. I would then ask for an appointment with the teacher ( not throw it at her at drop off or pick up) and then ask her to fill me in on what happened so I was aware. Depending on how that went I’d raise the fact that dd had heard her use the word bitch and ask if she could explain the context with a view to getting agreement that such words / phrases are inappropriate and can be misconstrued. No need to go in all guns blazing.

Fresta · 10/11/2018 08:41

I don't think bitch/bitching/bitches is an appropriate term to use with a group of 10 year olds. I'd definitely be flagging it up with the head teacher.

Lizzie48 · 10/11/2018 08:42

When children are speaking they are lying?

This statement makes my blood run cold as a survivor of childhood SA. It's the reason why I never said anything to anyone who might have helped me, because I never thought anyone would take my side.

I don't know why there is always a tendency on here to disbelieve a child's version of events. In this case, the OP's DD isn't even being singled out for being bad behaviour.

Having said that, I would ask for the teacher's version of events as well. It's possible your DD misunderstood, as saying, 'You're behaving like bitches' is very different from saying 'You're all bitches.' It's still inappropriate language for a teacher to use, though IMO.

chocatoo · 10/11/2018 08:48

I would be more concerned about the fact that your daughter is behaving like a bitch! I’m afraid that bitchiness seems to start younger and younger these days - is it down to the crap they watch on social media/you tube?

Serin · 10/11/2018 08:50

ifonlyus Why assume that a young teacher would be more likely to use the word “bitch”? There is evidence that shows that new teachers actually teach best. I would hope that a recent graduate would know that “bitch” is a sexist term used to describe/criticise women.

LassWiADelicateAir · 10/11/2018 08:52

Your behaviour was bitchy" is very different to "you are bitches".

No it isn't. It's still implying they are bitches. Dreadful expression whether used as a noun or an adjective.

MorningsEleven · 10/11/2018 08:55

I don't think bitch/bitching/bitches is an appropriate term to use with a group of 10 year olds

I agree. I'm sure it's a word that many of them are well aware of but that doesn't mean the teacher should use it.

Killybashangel · 10/11/2018 08:55

If the teacher is struggling to find an alternative word, she can just think what word she'd use to a group of boys behaving in the same way and use that.

youarenotkiddingme · 10/11/2018 08:56

I've seen many a time where there's a dynamic and certain students are targeting another and it's dealt with as a whole class/group/Male/female bollocking chat.

When you want behaviours to stop it's valuable to make it clear to EVERYONE it won't be tolerated to prevent another group picking up where 1 left off because the position becomes vacant.

I would t mind as a parent if a teacher referred to a group of 10/11yo girls behaviour as being bitchy. I would mind if they were called bitches. It's purely the context and the assignment of behaviour as personality.

I also know sometimes having a whole group rather than the one targeted approached can alleviate the subsequent conversations of "x reported us to teacher, Thad why she wasn't there".

But yes, speak to teacher. Find out what was said. It's perfectly acceptable to ask in what context she used the word bitch when confronting the friendship issues.

Lizzie48 · 10/11/2018 08:57

It's actually possible that the OP's DD wasn't doing anything, as it wasn't her who was being told off but the whole class. I remember occasions when the whole class was punished when not all of us were being naughty. There were some disruptive girls in the class (it was a convent girls' school), and our class's reputation preceded us. It used to really annoy me.

TeddybearBaby · 10/11/2018 09:05

By the way the ta who called a boy a little shit wasn’t fired. Not that I wanted her to be I’m just clarifying!

ifonlyus · 10/11/2018 09:07

Serin ifonlyus Why assume that a young teacher would be more likely to use the word “bitch”? There is evidence that shows that new teachers actually teach best

I didn't claim younger teachers were worse at teaching. I claimed they might be more likely to use the term 'off the cuff' as the term bitch is prevalent in popular media. It was mere speculation though.

Moussemoose · 10/11/2018 09:19

Kids don't always lie but an awful lot of them do deflect when they are being told off.

Deflecting when in trouble is very, very common.

Trampire · 10/11/2018 09:19

You definitely need to ask the Teacher what was said exactly.

I'm a organiser of a school bus service. We did a bus pass check last week. I was on the bus in the morning.
In the evening I had a furious parent message me to say I told his son he was never allowed to use the bus service again because he didn't have his bus pass.

What if actually said to him was -
"Ok. You need to have it. If you've lost it, can you ask your parents to get in touch with me for a replacement"

This parent was FUMING until I said nothing of any sort was said how his child reported.

Of course not all children lie, but many get the gist of the conversation completely wrong. Always check.

SinkGirl · 10/11/2018 09:27

I would be more concerned about the fact that your daughter is behaving like a bitch!

Read the bloody thread. Her DD isn’t behaving like anything, she’s being targeted, and they addressed all the girls in the year group.

JacquesHammer · 10/11/2018 09:29

Believe the teacher first. When children are speaking they are lying

What a ridiculous position. That is the most absurd comment on the thread.

LassWiADelicateAir · 10/11/2018 09:32

I would be more concerned about the fact that your daughter is behaving like a bitch!

I'm more concerned by an adult woman who thinks calling a girl or woman a bitch is acceptable language

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 10/11/2018 09:40

The teacher was using inappropriate and sexist language. I would be complaining to to head about this.

I’m shocked with some of the posts here.

When children speak they are lying

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

julietrosalind · 10/11/2018 09:45

I get seriously, gravely concerned on these threads by the teachers who apparently are blind to the fact that the default position of ‘lying child/truth telling adult’ opens the doors wide to abuse.

Does ‘we believe you’ apply only to 18 year olds up?