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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my daughter shouldn’t be called a bitch

159 replies

Fettuccinecarbonara · 09/11/2018 23:36

My daughter is 10 and in year 6 of primary school.

Lots of issues around friendships which teachers are aware of.

Today the girls of year 6 were taken into a room by a teacher and spoken to about how they interacted with one another. During this speech the teacher called them all bitches, then later said that this bitching had to stop.

Aibu to think there was no need to use this terminology. The message could have been gotten across without using such language.

OP posts:
lalaloopyhead · 10/11/2018 07:39

I didn't say that the child would be neccesarily 100% accurate, but neither an out and out liar.

Neither did I suggest the teacher should get a kicking, just asking what happened.

Weird interpretation!

PetalsOnTheStream · 10/11/2018 07:42

Absolutely disgusting- regardless of context the word bitch, bitching, or bitchy are all inappropriate and I would totally complain.

super63 · 10/11/2018 07:47

I can't believe what PP are saying... teachers aren't perfect and it's more than feasible that the teacher has said this. All of this 'well if dd is a good kid why has she been bitchy' seriously??? Children can be good but it doesn't mean they're perfect, there is still room for mistakes! My goodness. And all the doubt for the child, yes she may well be telling a lie, so should OP totally dismiss it and say this couldn't have happened so I'm going to leave it.. no.

OP maybe you should say to your daughter that it's very serious if her teacher has said this and you'll need to check it out with the teacher and see what her reaction is.

Oh and for anyone who thinks it's anywhere near appropriate for a teacher to even use the word bitch or bitchiness in relation to her 10 year old students.. wow I just hope you're not teachers!!!

cdtaylornats · 10/11/2018 07:49

If someone has been "bitching" then she is by definition a bitch.

EmeraldShamrock · 10/11/2018 07:49

I doubt it happened. They more than likely misheard bitching in the heat of the moment. I can imagine a Teacher getting annoyed sorting out 10yr old girls dilemmas but not ruining her career.

Go and ask but also appreciate the school and Teachers have better things to be doing.

Teateaandmoretea · 10/11/2018 07:51

Meh......

With everything in life you have to pick your battles, personally I'm not sure this is one I would go with. All children can behave in this way and boys can be bitchy too although I suspect they are described as such less, which is wrong. If she's generally good, happy and gets on with her friends and the teacher is usually ok then I would let live personally and keep an eye out for anything else. If that isn't the case then fair enough query the approach/ what was said.

Children lie, I'm sure there is some truth in the story whether or not the wording she quoted is correct or not. But I am always Hmm at parents who think their dc never lie they are deluded frankly.

In terms of child abuse if a child makes a very serious allegation then it must be taken seriously. This isn't child abuse though. Some of the arguments that parents get into with teachers over their child being moved when they weren't talking etc and 'Tarquin always tells the truth' I find frankly baffling.

EmeraldShamrock · 10/11/2018 07:51

Bitching for bitch

Mynydd · 10/11/2018 07:58

I agree with a pp - so many odd people on here! Sure, it's absolutely fine for a teacher to tell a group of 10 year old girls to stop being bitches. Nothing to see here, just good old fashioned discipline. Oh and your daughter is: A - lying anyway, teacher never said that and B - clearly a bitch, why else would teacher call her a bitch? Hmm

I'm a teacher OP and you're not unreasonable to be concerned. I'd ask to speak to the teacher if I were you.

agirlhasnonameX · 10/11/2018 08:08

If DD11 told me this of course I would believe her. I think dismissing children telling you something about an adult is an awful thing to do. If the teacher said she hadn't said this, then perhaps I would start to question whether my DD was lying, but surely it's better to encourage your DC to feel as though they can talk to you about inappropriate behaviour from adults?
"Bitch" and "bitching" are sexist terms and don't understand why anyone thinks it's ok to say this in reference to a group of female children. I can get the boys weren't called bitches for squabbling........

agirlhasnonameX · 10/11/2018 08:11

Oh and yes the teacher does have better things to do....like educate children in a supportive and productive environment......

CountFosco · 10/11/2018 08:12

I have 2 daughters around that age and would not be happy if a teacher used the words bitch, bitches or bitching when telling them off. Those words are misogynistic and not appropriate in any formal context (actually wouldn't be happy if someone used them e.g. during a disciplinary at work either). The teacher should have talked about bullying because that is what is happening to the OPs daughter. If anything 'bitching' minimises it, it's then just 'silly girl behaviour'.

OoMatron · 10/11/2018 08:13

Clearly “bitch” is the wrong word to use. No it isn’t ok. If you are teaching other children appropriate language then you don’t use inappropriate language yourself as teacher.

Yes double check what was actually said. “Bitchy behaviour” is still not acceptable but it is more acceptable than calling them bitches. I suspect she said “you are all acting like bitches”.

Handsoffmysweets · 10/11/2018 08:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

TeddybearBaby · 10/11/2018 08:15

I got called in by the head last year. She was really embarrassed, said she was mortified to have to tell me that my daughter had heard swearing at school and to make matters worse it wasn’t from another child 😳.

Turns out a ta had called a boy a little shit. Kids aren’t always lying.

OoMatron · 10/11/2018 08:15

And yes I am also surprised at the amount of comments disbelieving the child or acting like “bitching” is appropriate. Parents on here need to have more self esteem.

julietrosalind · 10/11/2018 08:16

I can well believe this actually. A teacher told my DDs friend she was ‘acting like a bitch’ and tried to justify it by claiming she hadn’t called her a bitch, but that she was acting like one Hmm

Feb2018mumma · 10/11/2018 08:21

I don't think it will help any situation for you to make a formal complaint that a teacher tried to stop the bad behaviour using the word 'bitching'. If I was a teacher and a students mum complained about my language I would not think ooh what a lovely mother and child combo, I will be sure to watch over her child as much as I can. Surely if your daughter is the one bullied the girls bullying her are being called bitchy not her? And surely complain about the teacher who you say is saying she's seen the behaviour against your daughter more than once? I'd be more angry a teacher saw the behaviour and did nothing than a teacher used the word bitching Confused

LadyOfTheFlowers · 10/11/2018 08:21

Shouldn't be saying 'bitch' or 'bitching'. I'd be fired if I used either in my school. Hmm

Teateaandmoretea · 10/11/2018 08:23

Shouldn't be saying 'bitch' or 'bitching'. I'd be fired if I used either in my school.

So are you under a formal written warning for previous conduct then?

Lovemusic33 · 10/11/2018 08:23

the word bitch or bitchines is sexest is it? It’s something girls do a lot more than boys do. Girls can be bitchy, year 6 is one of the worst years for it. It’s rare that boys do this, they tend to have disagreements, sometimes it blows up with a fight and then it’s usually forgotten about, girls can be bitchy for towards each other for the whole year or throughout school.

I think you need to clarify with dsd and the teacher to what was said. It sounds like they are trying to do something about what’s going on which is good but they need to go about it properly.

donquixotedelamancha · 10/11/2018 08:25

dd wouldn’t lie about something like this!

All children lie. They often don't realise they are doing so, editing reality to shift blame and minimise responsibility. Good kids are those whose parents have trained the out of it, but it's foolish to think they are 100% reliable.

I'd be stunned if a teacher really called them bitches.

ifonlyus · 10/11/2018 08:26

I feel sorry for the children of some of the posters n here.

Never believe what your children are telling you about a teacher/adult? Assume they must have done something wrong? Thinking it is acceptable to call any female a bitch or refer to their behaviour as bitchiness?

There can be nuance. Not everything is black and white.

The Ops dd was spoken to as part of the whole year group of Y6. No-one has any evidence that the OPs dd has been badly behaved so ought not to imply so. The OP says her dd has been the victim and the teacher is aware and supporting her.

I can quite believe a teacher used the word bitches or at least bitching/bitchiness. Many Primary School teachers are young and these words are sadly common in everyday life. If the teacher is quite young they might not be aware that the word is inappropriate to use.

The teacher might be aware it is inappropriate but used it anyway as they were very angry and trying to make a strong point and that is the word they thought would have most impact or they don't have the vocabulary to articulate themselves better.

The word bitch should never be used to describe school girls (or any woman) as it is sexist language. That word would never be used when talking to or about a group of boys involved in bullying behaviour.

Moussemoose · 10/11/2018 08:27

When you are telling off a young person for poor behaviour one of the first thing many of them do is say " but what about thjs". The 'this' could be what someone else did or what they believe a teacher could or should have done.

75% of the time they try to deflect the issue by seeking to make the issue about something else. When you carry on a number will admit their mistake and others will carry on refusing to accept responsibility.

You then contact parents. 50% of the parents will say "but my child says you did this or someone else did that".

You explain and the number decreases.

You are then left with the hardcore of parents who think their child "is a good kid" and the blame lies elsewhere and the person in charge handled it badly. Their children refuse to accept any responsibility and do not work to improve their action.

No one will be surprised to learn which group consists of happy, well adjusted young people and which group contains troubled individuals who are often very angry and distressed.

Deflection helps no one least of all your child.

IF this happened the way you claim. Deal with the bullying issue for the sake of your child's mental health and then take up the other issue separately at a later date when you have calmed down.

Shambu · 10/11/2018 08:28

It sounds like a shit school all round OP. Are the are any other options in the area?

Aria2015 · 10/11/2018 08:29

Agree that calling them bitches is wrong, but calling them out on being bitchy is not. I would speak to the teacher to clarify. I hate the word bitch but saying someone is acting bitchey is less bad as I interpret to mean meanness in girls. There are two issues to get to bottom of, what the teacher actually said and what the cause of the teacher pulling them aside was.

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