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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First Christmas Disaster

80 replies

ComplexChristmas · 09/11/2018 23:01

Partner and I welcomed our DS earlier in the year. Now, obviously it is nearing Christmas. Due to complications to do with DP's family last year, he ended up spending Christmas alone whilst I spent mine with my family. To avoid this happening again, my family said he was to come to ours for Christmas, then we would visit his family for two weeks straight after and see the new year in with them. DP has gone along with this all year. It also makes sense, as my family are happy to bring us down and take us back from/to where we live, meaning we can actually take DS's presents down so he can have a proper experience, whereas DP's family live 5 hours train journey away, and with everything else bringing DS's presents may be an issue (because good lord are baby toys big!). With my family, they kindly put us up as they know money is short and quite frankly they just want to spend time with us. DS adores them and visa versa. DP's family are not the same, so I was eager to get the hotels booked ready for the trip.

DP then hits the bombshell that he can't do Christmas.

'Any other day but that one.'

Naturally, I told him that myself and DS would be spending Christmas with my family. His family - for background - has not even met DS. I would not want DS in a cheap hotel on his first Christmas surrounded by people he doesn't yet know. I also reminded him how he had agreed to Christmas all year. DP huffed and that was that.

Cut to today, discussing Christmas plans with a friend. DP trying to work out his dates for work around Christmas. DP quickly says (whilst I'm distracted with friend) that he could head to his family on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, then back up. I quickly call him out on this, and reiterate that he would be missing his sons first Christmas and that his plan is redundant as we would need to travel to his family straight after Christmas, unless he expected me to take a baby (who has never been on the train) on a five hour journey alone with presents, pram, possibly a travel cot etc. He pulls a sad face, but a face that says 'I've made up my mind but if I look sad she'll give in.'

The only thing against me: DP's father has been ill, having had surgery. I understand why DP would want to go for Christmas, but he wasn't even told of his fathers illness until his father had already been in hospital for several weeks. Nobody told him. His father will make a full recovery, and is awaiting discharge, but I know this could potentially be used against me.

AIBU to dig my heels in? I refuse to deal with a crying baby in a foreign environment with strange new people (who he will one day love, I'm sure, but for now who will be strangers) just because of DP. My family adore DP and have taken him in like their own. But if he misses DS's first Christmas I know it will really fracture relationships, especially ours. I'm not very sure what else to do/say. Suggestions?

OP posts:
Justaboutawake · 09/11/2018 23:05

It’s tricky isn’t it. We’ve always stuck to Xmas eve at one parents, Xmas day at home and Boxing Day at the other parents. Will that work for you or is the distance the issue?

BewareOfDragons · 09/11/2018 23:06

YANBU.

You have a sensible plan that has been long-agreed. Your DP should be going with you to your parents for Christmas as he agreed, and then you will be travelling to see his family for a couple of weeks, as you agreed.

His father's illness is a red herring, esp as he wasn't even told until several weeks in and he's on the road to recovery. If it was that vital, he'd go to see him immediately.

Your DP needs to realise he has a family now -you and your baby- and that he needs to put his family first.

Original poster
ComplexChristmas · 09/11/2018 23:09

Justaboutawake distance is an issue. We live in about 3 hours from my family, and from them is about 5 hours to DP's family. The plan was to head down to my family's just before Christmas (several birthdays around then too) and actually spend longer with DP's family by heading up to theirs straight after Xmas. I wish we could do it like you.
BewareOfDragons This is what I thought. Thank you

OP posts:
Unicyclethief · 09/11/2018 23:10

I think you are muddying the waters a bit here. (Baby has never been on a train before- not relevant and not a big deal in any way)The main issue is that this was all agreed months ago, so he really cannot change at this stage. It would be incredibly rude to your parents and is not acceptable to his partner and child.

Nanny0gg · 09/11/2018 23:12

Why is he changing it?

Original poster
ComplexChristmas · 09/11/2018 23:12

Unicyclethief thanks. I was just adding context but maybe in my frustration I was just venting a bit!

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 09/11/2018 23:14

Stay at your own home and invite people over?

Original poster
ComplexChristmas · 09/11/2018 23:15

Nanny0gg I don't know. I'm guessing his family has been talking about it and he's just agreed. He's very passive. But also king of the guilt trip. Guess he expecting to guilt me into changing my mind and now he's caught in the middle because it hasn't gone to plan.

OP posts:
tillytrotter21 · 09/11/2018 23:17

Whatever you decide just a heads-up on presents. If your child is given a v-tech bouncy ride-on thing, once they're slotted together they can't be unslotted for transportation as we found out the hard way! They can't even then be Hermesed back home.

Original poster
ComplexChristmas · 09/11/2018 23:18

PersonaNonGarter as said before, we live 3 hours from my family, and from there about 5 hours from his family. My family would do it, his wouldn't, and right now we live in a small flat so couldn't put everyone up. I wouldn't expect them to make the journey and then have to pay for a hotel. Sad though, because I would love that to be the option!

OP posts:
ShakeMe · 09/11/2018 23:18

Agree it got emotive for that one line of never been on a train before. Other than that you are being totally reasonable and justified.

You simply need to calmly tell him
1 it's been agreed all year
2 you can't do journey alone due to baggage etc
3 he's being a knob. You would be hurt if he missed his dc 1st Xmas.

I would dig my heels in, good luck!

Original poster
ComplexChristmas · 09/11/2018 23:19

tillytrotter21 :O Thanks for the heads up!

OP posts:
Original poster
ComplexChristmas · 09/11/2018 23:20

Thanks ShakeMe

I don't think I'd ever give up but you're all giving me the boost that I'm doing right (plus calming me down) so thank you!

OP posts:
Santaispolishinghissleigh · 09/11/2018 23:20

All stay home and have your own Christmas.
2 weeks with his family?? Are you nuts??

Justaboutawake · 09/11/2018 23:21

Ok so how about Friday till Boxing Day morning and your DPs and Boxing Day afternoon till New Years at in laws? Seems fair enough unless you have pets or want some time on your own.

Totally on your side btw with regards to having already agreed the plans. Just trying to find a middle ground as Xmas arrangements suck for the majority.

Original poster
ComplexChristmas · 09/11/2018 23:22

Santaispolishghissleigh haha it was just to make up for the fact they haven't met DS and DP hasn't been down to see them for a while. Rather nervous to be honest. I wish we could stay at home, but it's the only day my family will have together in the year.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComplexChristmas · 09/11/2018 23:26

Justaboutawake that's similar to the original plans to be honest. DP's issue is that he can't do Christmas Day :(

OP posts:
Original poster
ComplexChristmas · 09/11/2018 23:27

but thank you for the suggestion! I will still pose it to him

OP posts:
KathyBates · 09/11/2018 23:28

Why haven't they met DS yet? I wouldn't be putting anyone first who hadn't bothered making an effort to meet my DS. Unless, of course there is something that makes them unable to travel.

Original poster
ComplexChristmas · 09/11/2018 23:31

KathyBates I have no clue. It has really upset me (and DP I think). DP insists they are busy, but it sounds like he is just making an excuse. Who could be busy not to meet their first grandchild for months and months?

OP posts:
NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 09/11/2018 23:35

Dig your heels and and don't fall for the guilt trip. This was prearranged and he agreed to it. He should want to be with his son on his first Christmas. Just keep repeating that your sticking to the original plan and that he should too.

sheldonesque · 09/11/2018 23:39

Just a wee bit of an aside. In my experience, trains are often greatly reduced from around tea time Christmas eve till the morning of the 27th.

Not funny with a little one if you have connections.

timeisnotaline · 09/11/2018 23:40

You’ve already agreed it. I’d say if he wants to change plans then the 2 weeks with his family is out, it’s terrible timing because you will be too mad at him for missing his baby’s first Xmas to play hi and let’s pretend you really have been too busy to meet your grandchild.

Dollymixture22 · 09/11/2018 23:49

Like others what jumps out at me is they haven’t met their grandson yet. They don’t seem very close with their son, yet he is prioritising them over you and his baby? And going back on a promise.

I would go ahead to your parents as planned, the choice isn’t yours it’s his. If he wants to spend his first Christmas as a dad alone in a hot,e and then won’t peopel who haven’t bothered to met his son them good lick to him, you will be having a lovely tim being fussed over by your family.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/11/2018 23:57

I agree that since he previously agreed he shouldn't back out now. Problem is, he's an adult and you can't really stop him. That being said, you don't have to be helpful either. I'd say "You do whatever you want. DS and I are going to my parents as planned all year. Just be aware that I am NOT making a 5 hour journey with DS by myself. So either we do as we planned and all journey to your parents after Xmas, or you go alone before Xmas Day and I will see you at home when you get back". The decision is his.