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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First Christmas Disaster

80 replies

ComplexChristmas · 09/11/2018 23:01

Partner and I welcomed our DS earlier in the year. Now, obviously it is nearing Christmas. Due to complications to do with DP's family last year, he ended up spending Christmas alone whilst I spent mine with my family. To avoid this happening again, my family said he was to come to ours for Christmas, then we would visit his family for two weeks straight after and see the new year in with them. DP has gone along with this all year. It also makes sense, as my family are happy to bring us down and take us back from/to where we live, meaning we can actually take DS's presents down so he can have a proper experience, whereas DP's family live 5 hours train journey away, and with everything else bringing DS's presents may be an issue (because good lord are baby toys big!). With my family, they kindly put us up as they know money is short and quite frankly they just want to spend time with us. DS adores them and visa versa. DP's family are not the same, so I was eager to get the hotels booked ready for the trip.

DP then hits the bombshell that he can't do Christmas.

'Any other day but that one.'

Naturally, I told him that myself and DS would be spending Christmas with my family. His family - for background - has not even met DS. I would not want DS in a cheap hotel on his first Christmas surrounded by people he doesn't yet know. I also reminded him how he had agreed to Christmas all year. DP huffed and that was that.

Cut to today, discussing Christmas plans with a friend. DP trying to work out his dates for work around Christmas. DP quickly says (whilst I'm distracted with friend) that he could head to his family on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, then back up. I quickly call him out on this, and reiterate that he would be missing his sons first Christmas and that his plan is redundant as we would need to travel to his family straight after Christmas, unless he expected me to take a baby (who has never been on the train) on a five hour journey alone with presents, pram, possibly a travel cot etc. He pulls a sad face, but a face that says 'I've made up my mind but if I look sad she'll give in.'

The only thing against me: DP's father has been ill, having had surgery. I understand why DP would want to go for Christmas, but he wasn't even told of his fathers illness until his father had already been in hospital for several weeks. Nobody told him. His father will make a full recovery, and is awaiting discharge, but I know this could potentially be used against me.

AIBU to dig my heels in? I refuse to deal with a crying baby in a foreign environment with strange new people (who he will one day love, I'm sure, but for now who will be strangers) just because of DP. My family adore DP and have taken him in like their own. But if he misses DS's first Christmas I know it will really fracture relationships, especially ours. I'm not very sure what else to do/say. Suggestions?

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 10/11/2018 06:05

You intend to spend a fortnight visiting his family in a cheap hotel?but for some reason neither of you have got round to meeting up this year?
No hotel is cheap if you are spending 2 weeks in it. It sounds bonkers.
Do not spend the money.
If he is so much under the thumb that he is willing to miss Xmas with his baby, it doesnt bode well cos that is not normal.
Go to your parents as planned. Tell him you will be home on x date if he wants to come home and/or help you make the trip to his family.
Stick to your guns. Is he 17? Or a grown man?

Penninepain · 10/11/2018 06:21

You are your own family now, start making your own traditions.

Spend 2 or 3 days in the lead up to Christmas at his parents, travelling back home on 23rd/24th and have Christmas Day and Boxing day at home, just the three if you.

Then off to your parents for a few days. Reverse the visiting pattern next year.

Your P is wrong, but is perhaps feeling the preesure of a sick parent?

Bowchicawowow · 10/11/2018 06:29

Is the reason why your DS hasn’t met his DGP because your FIL has been ill? Why haven’t you taken your DS to meet them? I also don’t understand why you are fussing about ‘cheap hotels’ and train travel.

Frustratedmum78 · 10/11/2018 06:31

Don’t go, let him go if he wants but tell him that won’t work for you.

Jenny70 · 10/11/2018 06:40

I would be going to my parents and letting him travel to his. Depending on when he was coming home, I would either decide to stay longer with my parents (if he is spending new years there), or meet him back at home after.

It was agreed to spend christmas with your family, you are not going to cause upset by changing that - your parents will be looking forward to it, as are other relatives etc.

If he wants to go to his family, it will upset you to spend baby's first christmas apart, but realistically there are plenty more and baby won't be aware of it. But you won't be doing 5hr train trip and luggage alone, so will head home after your parents.

If he wants to introduce his son to his family, he will need to make the effort to plan it with you at an agreed time... not upsetting christmas day plans that have already been discussed and decided.

anniehm · 10/11/2018 06:42

The train first train journey and large presents are not really relevant as babies have no concept of what they have on set days - even when older we never dragged all the gifts to my parents, instead we opened gifts at new year when we got back apart from stockings and the many things they got from my parents and family.

The problem is him prioritising his parents over his partner and dc - seems very odd. If he was insisting you all went it would make more sense than him going alone.

One thought I did have is do you drive? Might be cheaper and easier to hire a car than all those train journeys, trains are so £££.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 10/11/2018 06:42

Your kid won't know it's Xmas. I think it's fine for your husband to see his family while you see yours.

user1486915549 · 10/11/2018 07:15

You don’t really sound as if you are in a relationship.
Time to be a couple together and stop both putting relationship with parents above your own family.
And I don’t understand why you haven’t taken your child to meet his grandparents. Do they know you exist ? ( I’m serious )

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/11/2018 07:31

What happened last year?

Why didn’t he spend Xmas day with his parents as arranged.

I think you need to look out for this last minute change of plans as becoming a habit.

Go to your parents as planned Xmas day and spend NYE with his parents with some time at home.

No way would I be spending 2 weeks at the in laws. That is complete madness

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/11/2018 07:36

This is very strange and a few unanswered questions.

Can you explain why haven’t you visited his family before now?
Do you know why your dh hadnt booked his holidays already? You had an agreement months ago.

Your post is very emotive. Your ds won’t care who is around as long as you are there. Your arguments should be about logistics. Train timetables, difficulty travelling 5 hours alone with luggage, feeding your ds etc etc.

He is manipulating you. Odds on his family are manipulating him. Do you want them to drive a wedge between you? Don’t get angry. Discuss the situation logically. If you start by saying he’s reneging on an agreement, it will get his back up.

Give the reasons as to why you chose your family at Christmas. He doesn’t need to know you hadn’t considered reduced timetables until you posted on this thread.

makingmammaries · 10/11/2018 08:33

I’d be saying that my agreement to visit the in laws with DC was a compromise on my part and since he won’t keep his end of the deal you might as well just make the plans that are most convenient for you - ie no visit to in laws.

LIZS · 10/11/2018 08:46

So it is not that he has to work Christmas Day? We've spend many a Christmas shuttling between family, Christmas Day itself is very quiet on the roads if you need to travel. What job does he do that requires bh working? Was a 2 week stay in a hotel ever realistic , or just you trying to appease guilt. You seem to have a rather romanticised version in your head. Can you do one trip for Christmas and another NY?

Agree with pp who said you were confusing the issues by talk of baby never travelling by train. He won't even know it is Christmas let alone appreciate unwrapping endless large items. You can take a few smaller gifts and leave the rest behind. Presumably you will accumulate more from family.

BlancheM · 10/11/2018 09:38

On principle, he shouldn't be changing his mind on plans already agreed. But honestly, what a merry palaver for you, travelling here there and everywhere, and changing your baby's routine for 2 whole weeks to boot.
As you're a family, I'd stay home and have a lovely relaxed Christmas and have an open door policy on a few days over the period so that anyone who is bothered, can visit.

Original poster
ComplexChristmas · 10/11/2018 12:08

KathyBates that sounds horrible! That is an interesting thought! Dp it the only one who can drive, but I will suggest it to him. Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
ComplexChristmas · 10/11/2018 12:19

Sorry everyone, first chance to get on today! I'll try and answer some questions.

HeddaGarbled we did have a grown up conversation. It was agreed he would come to my family for Christmas and I would go to his next year.
yorkshireyummymummy Relationship is good other than this. He's a brilliant dad. Thank you for your support.

To people asking why has he changed plans, I think he has possibly been speaking to his family and naturally they assumed he was staying at theirs. I don't think he ever told them the plans. I think he has gone along with them and expected me to go along and change too and has had a shock that I haven't!

OP posts:
Santaispolishinghissleigh · 10/11/2018 12:24

Think he needs a prompt that your wishes override his family!!
Not to be too awful but I don't think a new baby is going to be that welcome for a fortnight in a family who haven't got up off their arse to visit you all.

Original poster
ComplexChristmas · 10/11/2018 12:26

Mummyoflittledragon Apologies, I didn't really think those answers were relevant. Thank you for the advice, I will be talking to him about it today. A lot calmer too thanks to mumsnet!
LIZS very true!

OP posts:
LilyMarie · 10/11/2018 12:31

If I were you I would stop going to eachothers parents for Christmas, it will always be a major logistical PITA. Have a nice quiet christmas with just your dp & dc which you can have full control over, then visit family on other days.

Original poster
ComplexChristmas · 10/11/2018 12:35

Ok, so the options are:

  1. Spend Christmas with my family (as previously planned)
  2. Spend Christmas with DP's family (logistically a lot more complex now that its 7 weeks away!)
  3. DP goes to his, I go to mine (will cause a rift, but I suppose I can understand somewhat)
  4. Have a family Christmas at home (would be lovely, but again would mean disregarding a year long plan and letting a lot of people down)

I will be speaking to DP later on today about it. Thanks for your suggestions/phrasing mumsnetters I will take them on board (and be a lot calmer!)

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 10/11/2018 12:52

And I would advocate strongly for what you already agreed for this year. Tell him that he decides it's too much, after you've had it, then from now on you'll agree to celebrate Christmas in your own home and visit families at other times. Or they can come to you.

Witchofwisteria · 10/11/2018 13:15

Are you planning on seeing inlaws after Christmas for 2 weeks, so 2 weeks spent in a hotel?

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/11/2018 15:54

Glad you are feeling calmer. You don’t need to apologise. It’s difficult to know what is relevant when you’re feeling so emotional about having your plans hi jacked. Hope it goes ok. Let us know how you get on 😊

timeisnotaline · 10/11/2018 19:17

I think he has gone along with them and expected me to go along and change too and has had a shock that I haven't! this would be enough on its own to make me not change plans. It’s a relationship and I would not be a doormat in it.

Maelstrop · 10/11/2018 19:25

Staying two weeks at dp's family? I don't believe that. Do neither of you work?

Blondebakingmumma · 11/11/2018 00:44

2 weeks in a hotel? Can you afford that? That’s a big ask

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