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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

First Christmas Disaster

80 replies

ComplexChristmas · 09/11/2018 23:01

Partner and I welcomed our DS earlier in the year. Now, obviously it is nearing Christmas. Due to complications to do with DP's family last year, he ended up spending Christmas alone whilst I spent mine with my family. To avoid this happening again, my family said he was to come to ours for Christmas, then we would visit his family for two weeks straight after and see the new year in with them. DP has gone along with this all year. It also makes sense, as my family are happy to bring us down and take us back from/to where we live, meaning we can actually take DS's presents down so he can have a proper experience, whereas DP's family live 5 hours train journey away, and with everything else bringing DS's presents may be an issue (because good lord are baby toys big!). With my family, they kindly put us up as they know money is short and quite frankly they just want to spend time with us. DS adores them and visa versa. DP's family are not the same, so I was eager to get the hotels booked ready for the trip.

DP then hits the bombshell that he can't do Christmas.

'Any other day but that one.'

Naturally, I told him that myself and DS would be spending Christmas with my family. His family - for background - has not even met DS. I would not want DS in a cheap hotel on his first Christmas surrounded by people he doesn't yet know. I also reminded him how he had agreed to Christmas all year. DP huffed and that was that.

Cut to today, discussing Christmas plans with a friend. DP trying to work out his dates for work around Christmas. DP quickly says (whilst I'm distracted with friend) that he could head to his family on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, then back up. I quickly call him out on this, and reiterate that he would be missing his sons first Christmas and that his plan is redundant as we would need to travel to his family straight after Christmas, unless he expected me to take a baby (who has never been on the train) on a five hour journey alone with presents, pram, possibly a travel cot etc. He pulls a sad face, but a face that says 'I've made up my mind but if I look sad she'll give in.'

The only thing against me: DP's father has been ill, having had surgery. I understand why DP would want to go for Christmas, but he wasn't even told of his fathers illness until his father had already been in hospital for several weeks. Nobody told him. His father will make a full recovery, and is awaiting discharge, but I know this could potentially be used against me.

AIBU to dig my heels in? I refuse to deal with a crying baby in a foreign environment with strange new people (who he will one day love, I'm sure, but for now who will be strangers) just because of DP. My family adore DP and have taken him in like their own. But if he misses DS's first Christmas I know it will really fracture relationships, especially ours. I'm not very sure what else to do/say. Suggestions?

OP posts:

sheldonesque · 09/11/2018 23:59

I'm with time and dolly and the others.

If they want to see you and your family let them make the effort.

Original poster

ComplexChristmas · 10/11/2018 00:04

sheldonesque thanks for the heads up!

To everyone else, thanks for your support. I'm away to bed now so will respond to anyone else tomorrow. Goodnight for now x

OP posts:

KathyBates · 10/11/2018 00:12

Your family sound lovely, go to them and let them look after you and make a fuss over DS.

I had to fly back from Scotland today on my own with 10week old DS. I only had him, 1 case, his car seat and his changing bag. My mum helped me as far as security and my OH met us at arrivals. That was hard enough, there's absolutely no way I would consider taking a 5 hour train journey on my own with 2 weeks worth of stuff now!

Also 2 weeks is a long time to stay with others (esp if they haven't met DS) or pay for a hotel. Could you cut the length of your stay and use the money you save from not paying hotels to pay for a hire car instead?

Then I would expect them to be making an effort to see you before I considered another trek to them x

HeddaGarbled · 10/11/2018 00:14

You want to go to your family for Christmas, he wants to go to his.

You don’t seem like a proper couple. You are both prioritising your families over your relationship.

You aren’t children anymore. You need to have a proper grown up conversation about this and come up with something that works for both of you.

A lot of couples do alternate years with each other’s families for a few years and then start staying at home for Christmas Day once children come along.

Eemamc · 10/11/2018 00:14

I agree with across the pond. HE can go to his family. You will visit yours. I don’t blame you for not wanting to do that train journey alone. Can you extend your visit with your family? Then he can see you at home when he gets back.

MyKingdomForBrie · 10/11/2018 00:21

He's a dick.

He's saying his primary family are still his parents not his partner and child. Do not change your plans, let him sod off if he wants and do not travel 5 hours on the train solo to join him, leave him to it!

tor8181 · 10/11/2018 00:28

my answer would be bollocks to all this traveling, have Christmas in your own house as its babys first christmas

user139328237 · 10/11/2018 00:31

I think most people seem to be missing that her DP works and probably can't actually get 3 weeks off to do the plans that she wants.

Threeminis · 10/11/2018 00:51

I agree with tor
Stay at home op, don't stress it.

yorkshireyummymummy · 10/11/2018 01:07

What a selfish selfish man-child.
What reason has he given for having to go to his mummy’s for Christmas- his mummy who hasn’t even made the effort to see her FIRST GRANDCHILD who is ( ten? Did I read ten months old) nearly one. God, my mother would have walked - even a five hr rail journey- if she had had to. Nothing on earth would have stopped her seeing her grandchild as soon as she could.

I suppose that’s by the by though. What is important is that he agreed to this plan and now, less than 7 weeks before, he is wanting to change the plans and cut your family out!! Dreadful , rude and disrespectful behaviour from a grown man towards your family and very selfish and frankly nasty behaviour towards you and your son. Like another poster said he has firmly shown who he considers his primary family and it 8snt you or your son sadly.

I would go to my parents home and stay for as long as i was welcome / could stand it. I wouldn’t be going to his parents under any circumstances for any length of time. It’s not like they are desperate to see you and DS is it?? Show them the same level,of respect that he is showing your parents. He doesn’t have a leg to stand on re you refusing to go there. Actually I think it’s really important ( if he insists on going to his parents) that you do not go. If you do you are setting yourself up for misery as he will walk all over you and disregard your feelings for as long as your relationship lasts.

What is he like in general in your relationship? Does he understand that he will miss his child’s first Christmas?? I have to say, I put up with a lot from my DH but this would be a game changer for me. I couldn’t bear knowing that he wanted to be with his ( useless ) parents more than me and our child. I would be beyond furious.

So it’s up to you where you take it from here but I would be sending his clothes to his parents while he was still there i think!!
Stay strong. Don’t be swayed. Stick to your plan. And have a wonderful Christmas with your family and son. Fuck him and his tatty family!!

MrsChollySawcutt · 10/11/2018 01:17

Another vote for starting your own family tradition and having a quiet Christmas at home. We have always done this since DC1 was born, fitting in a pre Xmas visit to one side of the family and a post Xmas one to the other of a couple of days each.

Volunteering to spend two weeks with in- laws is bonkers!

worridmum · 10/11/2018 01:18

did you not see that the OP DP parents father has been in hospital for WEEKS not days WEEKS and you expect them to come 5 hours to see you.

So OP shes her family and she does not get stick for being a mummys girl yet a husband needs to but there wifes family above his own or you use derogatory language .

Is the OP a mummy's girl since she is insisting that her family get the best days and he has to spend the time at his In laws (spending time at inl aws is never as fun as people say)

explodingkittensexpansion · 10/11/2018 01:35

You have quite a familiar posting style but let’s play along. And always at this time of night.

You are a drama llama. A train journey is a doddle. If you need to go by train anywhere then get a sling and dump all the baby crap, you don’t need it.

yorkshireyummymummy · 10/11/2018 01:48

worridmum
The OP isn’t insisting that her family get ‘ the best days’. This was agreed between the two of them. Some might say that his parents had the best side of the deal since they were getting two weeks with their son and baby .
His father has been in hospital for ‘ WEEKS’ ( as you put it) but the6 didn’t bother to tell their son?? Does that not strike you as odd??

I didn’t call the OP a mummy’s girl as she was happy sticking to the original plan - both seeing parents over the festive period. But yes, I do think he is a mummy’s boy as he is choosing his parents over his wife and child! So yes, to me that makes him a mummy’s boy.
And if you cant see that then feel free to write some more rubbish but I probably won’t reply to that post.
Good night!

Larrythecat · 10/11/2018 01:55

I'd stay at home and spend baby's first Christmas as a family unit. We actually did that. My first was only weeks old and there's no chance we'd have considered travelling and staying overnight anywhere else.
After that, you can visit a couple of days one family and a couple of days another. I think now it's the chance to discuss together what you want to do the next few years. Are you always going to travel to other people's? Is your child never going to have Christmas at home, with his/her own tree and expecting Santa to come to his/her own house?

Also, babies under 1 are not fully aware of Christmas or presents. If it's a lot of hassle, I'd be tempted to take only one or two small presents and leave the rest under your own tree at your house for when you come back home. I'm sure your baby will be as thrilled and you get to enjoy the moment of opening presents twice. I think mine didn't actually understand much until after being 2yo.

kateandme · 10/11/2018 02:16

dig your heels in then it is his choice.and it will be him that has to tell(possibly) his dc that his dad missed his first xmas.
this is the arranged plan with people thathave made the effort to make it so.and its been arranged all year.he cannot change it now and then expect you to fall into place by guilt tripping.
no one is ever too busy.if you want to make time for this long they would have made it.its not been a week its been a year!
you know ur in the right.so let the guilt trips or bad feeling from the other side fall off you.they don't ivolve you.they are their problem.dont let that touch you.
its not like ur saying your going to your parents and that's it for this year.your going straight after.

RainbowsArePretty · 10/11/2018 02:29

This year he should follow through on the plans you made together.

From next year I suggest making your own traditions

Aquamarine1029 · 10/11/2018 02:38

Your partner is a pathetic little bitch. I don't see much hope for your future, to be honest. You and your baby should come first, without question, yet he's willing to fuck you off. Don't stand for this.

penisbeakers · 10/11/2018 02:48

God I'm so glad I don't do Christmas.

Don't just dig your heels in, cement them into the ground.

Blondebakingmumma · 10/11/2018 03:09

Can you suggest alternating Christmas with your parents and his? I think he need to realize you and his child are his family now and that is his first priority

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/11/2018 03:11

Your DP Is being an arse.
He didn't go to your parents last year either - you said he spent it on his own because of "complications" with his family, was there a fall-out or something?
I absolutely would NOT change plans at this time because you have no idea if "complications" might crop up again, plus all the other issues you've described.

If he wants to miss your baby's first Christmas, which is a really wanky thing for him to do, so be it - you do what is right for you and your baby. He has to grow up and realise his first priority is now to your baby, his child - NOT his parents.

Nanna50 · 10/11/2018 04:10

I may have missed it but what is his reason for changing his mind? I can’t even imagine any of my family choosing to miss Christmas with their children, especially the first one.

I would expect him to stick to long made plans and I would be deeply hurt if he chose to spend Christmas elsewhere. I wouldn’t change my plans for him and I wouldn’t do the extra travel to his family without him.

GrasswillbeGreener · 10/11/2018 05:15

I am sensing a flavour of inability to plan ahead from your DP. Has he agreed with the Christmas plans and only now is he realising that his work won't let it happen? Or only now registering what the plans will actually involve doing?

We've had plans disrupted in the past when my inlaws have failed to think that others may have thought more than a few days ahead about what they wanted to do, and that giving other people notice can allow two sets of plans to dovetail rather than clash. (continents apart though so get short occasional bursts of this to cope with only!)

Isthereeveranexcuse · 10/11/2018 05:42

Stay at home and see both families in the two weeks after. Have Christmas Day and Boxing Day af home and do visits during the rest of the break.

It’s still weeks to go to Christmas. Even if he agreed before, his father is ill and maybe he’s realised he just can’t do it.

Alfie190 · 10/11/2018 06:01

I think you are both unreasonable, both prioritising your families above each other. You in particular OP seem to think your family are more important than his. You (both of you I mean) could have taken the baby to see them, it works both ways.

I think your excuses of never been on a train before and Christmas with people he doesn't know are stupid.

Why on earth are you not having Christmas together in your own home?

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