First Christmas Disaster

[ComplexChristmas]

Partner and I welcomed our DS earlier in the year. Now, obviously it is nearing Christmas. Due to complications to do with DP's family last year, he ended up spending Christmas alone whilst I spent mine with my family. To avoid this happening again, my family said he was to come to ours for Christmas, then we would visit his family for two weeks straight after and see the new year in with them. DP has gone along with this all year. It also makes sense, as my family are happy to bring us down and take us back from/to where we live, meaning we can actually take DS's presents down so he can have a proper experience, whereas DP's family live 5 hours train journey away, and with everything else bringing DS's presents may be an issue (because good lord are baby toys big!). With my family, they kindly put us up as they know money is short and quite frankly they just want to spend time with us. DS adores them and visa versa. DP's family are not the same, so I was eager to get the hotels booked ready for the trip.

DP then hits the bombshell that he can't do Christmas.

'Any other day but that one.'

Naturally, I told him that myself and DS would be spending Christmas with my family. His family - for background - has not even met DS. I would not want DS in a cheap hotel on his first Christmas surrounded by people he doesn't yet know. I also reminded him how he had agreed to Christmas all year. DP huffed and that was that.

Cut to today, discussing Christmas plans with a friend. DP trying to work out his dates for work around Christmas. DP quickly says (whilst I'm distracted with friend) that he could head to his family on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, then back up. I quickly call him out on this, and reiterate that he would be missing his sons first Christmas and that his plan is redundant as we would need to travel to his family straight after Christmas, unless he expected me to take a baby (who has never been on the train) on a five hour journey alone with presents, pram, possibly a travel cot etc. He pulls a sad face, but a face that says 'I've made up my mind but if I look sad she'll give in.'

The only thing against me: DP's father has been ill, having had surgery. I understand why DP would want to go for Christmas, but he wasn't even told of his fathers illness until his father had already been in hospital for several weeks. Nobody told him. His father will make a full recovery, and is awaiting discharge, but I know this could potentially be used against me.

AIBU to dig my heels in? I refuse to deal with a crying baby in a foreign environment with strange new people (who he will one day love, I'm sure, but for now who will be strangers) just because of DP. My family adore DP and have taken him in like their own. But if he misses DS's first Christmas I know it will really fracture relationships, especially ours. I'm not very sure what else to do/say. Suggestions?

Update: spoke to DP. As suspected, his family launched into their plans for Christmas and how he was involved with them. He didn't think to tell them his own plans.

Taking on your advice mumsnetters, I calmly explained the logistic issues of him going to his family first, the elevated costs, the practical issues for myself travelling alone, and reiterated the fact he would miss DS. I also suggested the rented car, and told him about the reduced fairs after Xmas which would make it easier for us, so thank you for that!

I will be continuing with the original plan on my end, booking the hotel and mine and DS' tickets down. This means that DP must make the decision himself, and can't rely on me making it for him. He can either come with us and book his ticket, or make his own plans. To be honest, after yesterday, I think he will stay with DS. He was visibly guilty and didn't want to look at DS when talking about the possibility of leaving him. Talking it through did make the whole situation sound silly, and I think he knew that.

Maelstrop I'm on maternity. Don't want to disclose DP's job because that would be a bit personal (I hope you understand). But some jobs let you work for two weeks, then have two weeks off, a month work, 3 weeks off etc. some people save their holidays and take them all at once. Some people time their holidays and days off right to get the best outcome. Hope this helps :)

I think that may be it for now. Thank you mumsnetters. I may well be back in a week to let you know the result, but with DP he puts things off. If anyone wants an update let me know. For now though, thanks for listening to my emotional rumblings, calming me down and helping with the situation x

Why did he say he couldn't do Christmas but then say he could go to his family? If he can't do that day he can't do it. I wouldn't wonder if that has been his plan for ages.

Anyway, hopefully he will stick to agreed arrangements and you all have a lovely time.

I love Christmas......... except the fucking family planning and who goes where. Every year it kicks off in our house.

Stick to your guns. If he misses sons first Christmas then that is on him. He will soon realise what a bellend he has been.

Oh god Christmas logistics. See this is why whenever anyone asks my answer is “we are staying at home, you are more than welcome to join us”. I’d definitely stick to your guns. This was planned ages ago and he’s being a bit of a wet fish to just change his plans because he can’t bring himself to tell his family about the actual plans. He needs to grow a pair and stick with his actual family- HINT: his actual family are not the ones who’ve not bothered to even see his son!!

I think worrying about DS's first Xmas is really worrying about your first Xmas with DS. DS obviously couldn't care less, he just wants lots of cuddles and fuss and won't care the exact date or whether it's a cheap hotel or not! It won't be an actual issue for him until three years time so I think you should just be honest and say that it's important for you (which is fair enough) to spend Xmas together rather than pretending it's important for a baby.

I think you're right to stick to your original plans though.