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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is BIL being a CF?

104 replies

scarbados · 08/11/2018 18:20

DH is a warehouseman at a large DIY chain. He gets a generous staff discount which we've rarely used for ourselves. This week BIL has been emailing him because SIL wants a new kitchen and they think it would be good to let DH do the ordering and use his discount, saving them about £400.

Normally I wouldn't mind - we've ordered on behalf of friends in the past. But BIL has spent 16 of the 17 years I've known him working for an entertainments organisation who manage a large venue here. He can obtain heavily-discounted (and often free) tickets for events but has never offered us anything. He did go through a phase of messages to DH saying thing like 'Don't make any plans for your birthday -we've got tickets for whatever, but that ended when DH told him I should be consulted first and preferably included in the plans. Since then, no tickets for anything.

I'm mad at DH for agreeing to do this ordering when there's been nothing reciprocated. AIBU or are BIL and SIL being CFs?

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 08/11/2018 18:22

Well if he's given you tickets in the past then why wouldn't you give him a discount?

Ohyesiam · 08/11/2018 18:23

Do they know you are interested in tickets?

ConciseandNice · 08/11/2018 18:23

They’re CFers. Also why would there offers dry up because you need to be consulted? That’s normal surely?

Stuckinthemiddlehelp · 08/11/2018 18:24

Since it wont cost you anything i dont see why not help bil and sil out

I dont do favours to expect in return, plus you bil could have got confused when your other half replied about event tickets. He might think you didnt want them

ConciseandNice · 08/11/2018 18:24

Their. Apologies.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 08/11/2018 18:26

Have you actually asked him for any tickets? If not then yabu.

Your husband gets discount so it isn’t making you out of pocket at all.

spacefighter · 08/11/2018 18:27

I don't think he's being a CF at all. He's family and £400 is a lot of money to save someone so why wouldn't he not ask. He has offered tickets in the past. God knows why your partner couldn't of just asked you if you wanted to go see something instead of making it a bigger thing by saying ask my wife first!

AnonyMousee · 08/11/2018 18:27

Have you asked for and been refused tickets in the past? If not then yabu.

HannahHut · 08/11/2018 18:28

If you haven't been asking for tickets that's probably why he hasn't offered, you told him to ask first so he's just waiting for you to ask.

If it costs you nothing I don't see why you wouldn't tbh

Shirleyphallus · 08/11/2018 18:30

God knows why your partner couldn't of just asked you if you wanted to go see something instead of making it a bigger thing by saying ask my wife first!

This ^

RebootYourEngine · 08/11/2018 18:35

Is this even allowed? Most places i know who offer staff discount wouldnt allow an employee to use their discount for someone else.

Original poster
scarbados · 08/11/2018 18:38

So you'd be happy for your BIL to make plans for your DH's birthday that excluded you without checking if you'd planned anything, @Shirleyphallus? We were never offered the option of me being invited.

There has never been one ticket for the 2 of us, just DH and BIL as a twosome.

And to clarify - if this order is going through as ours, we have to pay for it and wait for them to repay us. That £400 may be a lot to some people, but just under £3000 is even more!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/11/2018 18:47

Clearly you get them to give you money first Confused

Perch · 08/11/2018 18:49

Does your husband get taxed on the benefit?

Returnofthesmileybar · 08/11/2018 18:52

Well surely the tickets he got for his birthday didn't always fall on the actual day of his birthday? I'd happily let dh off yo celebrate with a sibling and do our own thing and there night definitely.

And you have never asked for tickets since?

If you get the kitchen they pay you first. I honestly couldn't let a family member not get a discount do big. To be honest I think you sound a bit petty, I don't think he is bring cheeky at all

KC225 · 08/11/2018 18:53

Ohhhh. I would make sure they put the money in the bank first before I was ordering. Also, no disrespect to the Company your DH works for but in my experience, DIY kitchens are trouble. I've gone low and high end. Pain in buttocks I wouldn't do it because some drawer won't fit, the attachments for the cupboards will be missing, a tap will be out of stock and you will get phone calls day in and day out about it because you ordered it and its all your fault - no pressure.

Gingerrogered · 08/11/2018 18:57

Your DH is his brother right?

Sorry, DH was rude on your behalf. Asking your DHs brother to run any plans they had together past you with his own brother for your approval and that he should try and include in all brotherly trips is fucking weird and controlling.

Here's what would happen in my house.
BIL: Don't make any plans for your birthday, we've got Arctic Monkeys tickets.
DH: Cool. Tell me exactly when it is and I'll run it by Ginger and check it doesn't class with any plans she's made.

He does.

I say: well I had booked a meal, but I quite like the Artic Monkeys. If he can come tickets for me and SIL too we could make a night of it. Otherwise can you skip it or go on another date?

Then they go off and sort it between themselves. Because that's what adults do. Your not his mother arranging a playdate. He is a grown man. I'm dumbfounded you can't actually see the problem with expecting your ILs to ask your permission to make arrangements with him, that's borderline abuse. No wonder they've extended no further invites.

It's none of your damn business what DH does with his staff discount. You have massive HUGE control issues.

bimbobaggins · 08/11/2018 18:58

Of course you don’t order it and wait for them to pay you back. Cash upfront is your friend.
I wouldn’t ask someone else to do this for me because as kc225. Says it’s unlikely t to be straightforward

Dollymixture22 · 08/11/2018 19:01

Sounds like there is an issue between you and BIL. From his perspectiv he has offered his brother free tickets on a few occasions, for him and his brother to go out together. Your husband has he can’t accept until he has consulted with you and you have okayed it. This might come across as a bit controlling on your part, or your hubby looking for an excuse to say no. Regardless of the birthday angle.

If my brother asked this favour I would say yes. I think it’s between your husband and his brother. Ask for the money upfront if that is an issue. Given the savings involved I am sure he will oblige.

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 08/11/2018 19:01

Cash upfront or no order.

bimbobaggins · 08/11/2018 19:02

And maybe bill just wanted a night out with his brother, without his wife being invited

FFSFFSFFS · 08/11/2018 19:02

So you're pissed off because your husband's brother wanted to give him tickets for an event with him?

Cripes. YABVVVVU.

One brother wants to give the other brother a ticket. Lovely.

One brother wants to give the other brother a discount on his kitchen. Lovely.

You. Not so lovely.

Gingerrogered · 08/11/2018 19:02

Of course they pay you first. And if you've already made plans or the two of them going alone isn't good for you and DH you decline it.

This is classic cutting off from family behaviour.

Rudgie47 · 08/11/2018 19:04

I'd tell your husband to tell them no and theres no way you are paying anything upfront.
I'd tell them to piss off.

PanamaPattie · 08/11/2018 19:09

No. Don't order on behalf of BIL. DH will be the customer and the guarantees and any Sale of Goods Act issues will need to be sorted out by him. Plus, if you pay for the kitchen, my guess would be that BIL will come up with excuse after excuse why he can't pay you back. Avoid.