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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is BIL being a CF?

104 replies

scarbados · 08/11/2018 18:20

DH is a warehouseman at a large DIY chain. He gets a generous staff discount which we've rarely used for ourselves. This week BIL has been emailing him because SIL wants a new kitchen and they think it would be good to let DH do the ordering and use his discount, saving them about £400.

Normally I wouldn't mind - we've ordered on behalf of friends in the past. But BIL has spent 16 of the 17 years I've known him working for an entertainments organisation who manage a large venue here. He can obtain heavily-discounted (and often free) tickets for events but has never offered us anything. He did go through a phase of messages to DH saying thing like 'Don't make any plans for your birthday -we've got tickets for whatever, but that ended when DH told him I should be consulted first and preferably included in the plans. Since then, no tickets for anything.

I'm mad at DH for agreeing to do this ordering when there's been nothing reciprocated. AIBU or are BIL and SIL being CFs?

OP posts:
sobeyondthehills · 08/11/2018 19:10

I would be really careful with this, when I worked in retail my discount was for me and family, that was 10 years ago and they have tightened up the discount.

There is no way I would be able to order for BIL now let alone friends without losing my job if they cottoned on. Which they do and I have fired people for abusing their discount

planechocolate · 08/11/2018 19:10

It isn't in the slightest bit weird and controlling for a husband to wonder whether his wife has already arranged something (possibly a surprise) for his birthday, so doesn't want to accept another invitation without making sure there isn't a clash. All he did was ask the bil to check first.

YANBU OP, they are being a bit cf.

BestestBrownies · 08/11/2018 19:10

Totally agree with Gingerrogered. OP, you remind me of my ridiculously controlling, borderline abusive SIL.

My DB had a landmark birthday recently and we all (parents and siblings), clubbed together to get DB a surprise ticket to an event for a niche interest he shares with DF (not on his actual birthday I hasten to add). DB was chuffed with the gift and said how he was looking forward to the day out with DF.

SIL had a face like a slapped arse and later pulled DM to the side and gave her a bollocking, saying she should have been consulted first, don't they know he has responsibilities at home blah blah. Then the next day she's trying to persuade DM to buy 2 more tickets so they (SIL & DM), can join them. I mean, WTF?!?

OP, get a grip.

Petitepamplemousse · 08/11/2018 19:11

YABU. Get them the discount and then next time there’s an event you like the look of, ask if they can get you tickets.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 08/11/2018 19:12

I think YABU as well sorry.

BabarKingoftheElephants · 08/11/2018 19:15

If it's B and Q your husband could quickly find himself out of a job. They are very hot on the misuse of staff discount

TruffleShuffles · 08/11/2018 19:21

If your husbands brother is entitled to staff discount as a close family member (he would have been at retail company I worked for) then I don’t see why you would say no. It’s nothing to do with you, it’s not your discount. It’s up to your husband to decide and obviously he should just ask for his brother to transfer him the money before he orders it, its not costing you or inconveniencing you in any way.

thebear1 · 08/11/2018 19:23

I don't think it has much to do with you as long as you get the cash up front, your dh is helping his brother get a discount through work. If dh was moaning about me helping my sibling out I would be annoyed.

Gingerrogered · 08/11/2018 19:23

All he did was ask the bil to check first.

No, he told BIL that if he wanted to offer tickets OP had to be asked for permission first and preferably include OP.

This is typical MN bullshit. If a woman came on here and said her DH had demanded her sister ask for permission before seeing her and that he should be included wherever possible and dictating what she could use her own discount for - then there would be a chorus of 'red flag, red flag, LTB, abuse '. But

But when a woman does it, then it's fine? Sometimes I think I'll never understand this place.

CoughLaughFart · 08/11/2018 19:24

So if your in-laws offer your husband tickets, they’re told that’s not allowed unless he has ‘permission’ from you. So they stop offering - and you never ask. Yet you’re STILL pissed off that you aren’t being showered in tickets.

What DO you want? Apart from to be the centre of everything?

Butterymuffin · 08/11/2018 19:27

If you can do this, make sure you get the cash first. Just say you don't have 3 K spare so can't place the order without. That's even if you can - like pp I've heard places are quite strict now about ordering for others. They'll be able to see it's for a different address, for example.

Haffdonga · 08/11/2018 19:28

Yup YABU.

He is asking for dh to order the kitchen but you have never asked for tickets. If you had once asked BIL to get you discounted tickets and he'd said no then he'd be the CF.

NoSquirrels · 08/11/2018 19:29

It’s your DH’s work perk.

It’s your BIL’s work perk.

What’s it got to do with you, decision-wise?

uncoolnn · 08/11/2018 19:29

I'd be very careful. I work for a large DIY chain and this would not be allowed. At all.

Jux · 08/11/2018 19:33

Definitely cash upfront.

Can dh not ask for tickets? BIL seems OK with asking for a discount...

puzzledlady · 08/11/2018 19:35

Surely this has nothing to do you?! It’s between your husband and his brother??? Why are you so controlling?? It’s a discount that your husband can get for his brother - saving his brother money. You want to say no becasue you expect something in return for a free perk of your husband? Sorry but you are the CF here. Confused

Original poster
scarbados · 08/11/2018 19:36

OK- I get it. I should be happy to have my plans for my husband's birthday wrecked because BIL has to come first. I've never objected to any other nights out they had - even the ones that involved a weekend away for DH.

I stand corrected. I thought I had some rights witin my family. Clearly not.

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 08/11/2018 19:39

When I worked in retail, there were rules about discounts.

Firstly, there was a limit on how much you could save over the year. Secondly, it was for immediate family only, and I think possibly only who lived with you.

Is your DH allowed to buy this kitchen for bil? Also, if he does go ahead, I would definantly ask for cash upfront.

TruffleShuffles · 08/11/2018 19:39

The tickets are completely irrelevant. His brother offered him tickets you said no. This has nothing to do with you allowing your husband to do something that has nothing to do with you.

Feb2018mumma · 08/11/2018 19:41

I don't think you can use staff discount if not immediate family usually? And would be obvious to his work when buying a kitchen that isn't at his home?

NoSquirrels · 08/11/2018 19:43

OK- I get it. I should be happy to have my plans for my husband's birthday wrecked because BIL has to come first.

That wasn’t your AIBU question, though, was it? You asked if you should stop your DH using his discount for BIL..,

thecatsthecats · 08/11/2018 19:45

Ooh, don't flounce.

Unless you can go back and find a single poster who said that you have no rights in your family and BIL comes first.

TruffleShuffles · 08/11/2018 19:45

Just wondering what other people’s employers class as immediate family as where I worked siblings would be included in that?

SunnyCoco · 08/11/2018 19:46

YABU

Two brothers are allowed a night out together for goodness sake

bringbackthestripes · 08/11/2018 19:47

There has never been one ticket for the 2 of us, just DH and BIL as a twosome

My sibling often takes me to a concert and takes me out for my birthday. My DH has never got upset about it the b*stard Grin

I've heard places are quite strict now about ordering for others. They'll be able to see it's for a different address, for example

^this Buying something you can stick in the back of a car for someone is hugely different to having a full kitchen delivered to a completely different address that your named discount card is registered to. Maybe DH will have to refuse after all- problem solved!