AIBU or is BIL being a CF?

[scarbados]

DH is a warehouseman at a large DIY chain. He gets a generous staff discount which we've rarely used for ourselves. This week BIL has been emailing him because SIL wants a new kitchen and they think it would be good to let DH do the ordering and use his discount, saving them about £400.

Normally I wouldn't mind - we've ordered on behalf of friends in the past. But BIL has spent 16 of the 17 years I've known him working for an entertainments organisation who manage a large venue here. He can obtain heavily-discounted (and often free) tickets for events but has never offered us anything. He did go through a phase of messages to DH saying thing like 'Don't make any plans for your birthday -we've got tickets for whatever, but that ended when DH told him I should be consulted first and preferably included in the plans. Since then, no tickets for anything.

I'm mad at DH for agreeing to do this ordering when there's been nothing reciprocated. AIBU or are BIL and SIL being CFs?

I'd happily let him have the discount if he pays up front. Then get asking him for tickets to things you fancy!

If my husband had been offered tickets to something he liked I'd simply organise whatever I was planning on another day (unless I'd already booked something that couldn't be changed). Otherwise I'd feel like I'd made my husband miss out on something.

Surely the kitchen could be delivered to your house, if need be, and he can then get it transported to his and book a fitter?

This is your DH brother why wouldn't they have nights out together?

And why wouldn't you give them the discount? You're being petty! Just make.sure they pay first not after it is ordered.

Just wondering what other people’s employers class as immediate family as where I worked siblings would be included in that?

In depends on where I work, but friends have never been included in that and as the OP has said
we've ordered on behalf of friends in the past

My Partner had to double check on buying something on behalf of his ex wife that she was buying for their son and he had to get his area manager permission. I cant use his discount because we are not married and our son is 6 so because he is not over 16 he can't use it

Oh, come on, that's a bit childish.

Don't be mean spirited, no reason why your brother in law should not ask your husband to do the ordering.

Anyway it is up to your husband, not you.

I think your just hard work OP. It's not about you!

Don't see what the issue is, no skin off your nose

Completely normal.

Your BIL is not a CF. You're a control freak.

Of course it would be the OP's issue if her DH was sacked for abusing his terms and conditions of his employment contract by using his staff discount for someone else.

Were the tickets always on his actual birthday?

Op, i see lots of people are sympathetic to you above but you're not engaging with them?

Also lots of have advised to make BIL pay DH first before making the order (if DH does so).

Also, sounds like like DH gets around 12% discount, which I wouldn't call a heavy discount (though £400 saving is a big saving).

God you sound like hard work

Ha ha glad your not my sister in law. Dear god.

I oft n buy my sister tickets for her birthday , it would never occur me to ask my BIL. He is assigned babysitting duty. I like him and we get on, but she’s my sister and we do loads of things together without him.

I did check with him when a booked a weekend away for her thirtieth, because of kids etc. Didn’t invite him!

Don’t be so petty. It is your Dh’s discount not yours. Of course he should help out his own brother if the company allows him to. Not CF at all of your Bil.

You know that some gigs/shows are only on for one night or staff tickets are usually reserved for the quietest night so often they don't necessarily get a choice? At least that's how it was everywhere I worked. A gig/show is happening around your DHs birthday and BIL manages to get them tickets. What do you want him to do? Ask your permission each time? Why can't he organise something for his brother without getting your permission? Why do you get the final say? Maybe you're not invited because you're hard work and he isn't fond of you?
Re the discount, it's fuck all to do with you.

So you'd be happy for your BIL to make plans for your DH's birthday that excluded you without checking if you'd planned anything, @Shirleyphallus? We were never offered the option of me being invited.

Errrr that’s not what you said in the OP at all....

Also, how can your BIL wreck your plans for DHs bday? Does DH not have a say? Can't be say "sorry I've got plans that night" or "no thank you"?

Yabu. I am not remotely surprised bil no longer offers you tickets..
'Hey bro, guess what, I've got tickets for twickenham for us for your birthday. Happy birthday bruv.'
'I cant mate. You need to check with dw first, and she needs to come too.'
That is weird imo, and like your bil, I'd also be thinking 'ok then, remind me never to offer you guys tickets again in future.'

And no, if my bil got dh tickets to an event for his birthday I wouldn't expect either of them to get my permission first. (I guess if you're in the habit of throwing surprise events for each other, it might be different; but otherwise he'd just check out mutual calendar).

I stand corrected. I thought I had some rights witin my family. Clearly not.

Ouch OP. When you're in a hole, stop digging. That is so manipulative!I

Of course you have rights in your family, but so does DH and while he seems to be respecting your rights in the relationship you don't seem to be respecting his. Being able to meet your family without the permission of your partner is a fundamental right in a healthy relationship.

If he was offered tickets on a weekend you'd already planned something then the response from DH to BIL is 'Sorry, that doesn't work for us, we're busy'.

Sending DH back with a list of demands for future arrangements including that he checks with you first is such an overreaction to a non-issue it's untrue.

I think you knew (and it was your intention) that after you did that the invites would drop off. BIL would have known full well that it wasn't worth even asking because you'd make DH's life a nightmare if he did.

I suspect the fuss over the discount is a similar effort - isolating him from those he is close to by making massive issues over small things.

And that last line, losing your temper and implying other posters have suggested you have no rights in your family and are expecting you to accept intolerable treatment - I would bet my bottom dollar you use that sort of manipulation if DH ever suggests a night out with his brother.

I'm not saying this to be unkind, but these are hugely destructive behaviour patterns. You need to think hard about this and deal with it - otherwise you will destroy all your relationships, not just with ILs and DH but with your DC too.

He did go through a phase of messages to DH saying thing like 'Don't make any plans for your birthday -we've got tickets for whatever, but that ended when DH told him I should be consulted first and preferably included in the plans.^

Why did DH tell him you had to be included? How many times did it happen - how many birthdays can one have where it could be an issue ... did you get cross after the first time, or the fifth year in a row...?

My post upthread "Oh, comeon, that's a bit childish" was referring to you, op? Your last post before I posted.

Of course it would be the OP's issue if her DH was sacked for abusing his terms and conditions of his employment contract by using his staff discount for someone else.

You’re inventing a scenario here. The OP has said they’ve ordered for friends before. Her post was about whether she should ‘allow’ her brother-in-law to use the discount when he hasn’t offered her concert tickets.

You sound like hard work.

It's your DH's discount and it's his brother - it's up to him to decide whether he's happy to supply the discount.

If your SIL wasn't going to these events, it seems a bit weird to insist you be invited. It's not like you were being particularly excluded and presumably an extra ticket would have been more expensive for your BIL.

Unless all these concerts happen to fall on your DH's actual birthday, I wouldn't expect your BIL to check with you first.