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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is BIL being a CF?

104 replies

scarbados · 08/11/2018 18:20

DH is a warehouseman at a large DIY chain. He gets a generous staff discount which we've rarely used for ourselves. This week BIL has been emailing him because SIL wants a new kitchen and they think it would be good to let DH do the ordering and use his discount, saving them about £400.

Normally I wouldn't mind - we've ordered on behalf of friends in the past. But BIL has spent 16 of the 17 years I've known him working for an entertainments organisation who manage a large venue here. He can obtain heavily-discounted (and often free) tickets for events but has never offered us anything. He did go through a phase of messages to DH saying thing like 'Don't make any plans for your birthday -we've got tickets for whatever, but that ended when DH told him I should be consulted first and preferably included in the plans. Since then, no tickets for anything.

I'm mad at DH for agreeing to do this ordering when there's been nothing reciprocated. AIBU or are BIL and SIL being CFs?

OP posts:

WobbleTime · 09/11/2018 01:51

If you order a kitchen with your discount surely they will then deliver the kitchen to YOUR house and install it there. How will you explain a kitchen being delivered to someone else’s address? Your DH is employed by them - they know where he lives so I’d be very careful or he could get the sack for this.

StoppinBy · 09/11/2018 01:52

If you asked would they get the tickets for you? I mean it's not like you are always offering to buy them stuff, they had to come to you to ask so I can't see the difference in you needing to ask for the tickets rather than you being offered them.

Unicyclethief · 09/11/2018 02:16

It’s your DH’s discount not yours. And you already said he has been given tickets previously. Don’t be so petty.

Mbhatescf123 · 09/11/2018 02:19

Its pretty obvious that the problem is you want to make sure you are in charge and you harbour resentful feelings towards Bil and are hoping to use this to make Bil look cheeky in some way so you can create tension between the brothers and send message to Bil you are in charge and punishment 4 not including u in plans before. When challenged about it you said it was just asked for Bil to check that there were no plans already, but that contradicted your opening post. Then you were saying that Bil was wrecking birthday plan already made, but it was clear your Dh wasnt going to be able to choose to go with his Db and that you would make sure that there were plans that for your Dh already made to celebrate with you or that u would claim that there was a surprise that u had planned that this had ruined and that this is why Bil should check with u beforehand. I wouldnt b surprised if ur dh and bil had preplanned trying the tickets already booked in the hope that they could have a brotherly celebration together.

Alfie190 · 09/11/2018 02:36

I don’t think there is anything cheeky about asking a brother to use his discount. Of course you just say you need cash up front, in the sane situation, this is something I could easily say to my sister. It doesnt sound like you have ever asked BIL for discounted tickets, you are complaining that he hasnt offered, but your DH hasn’t offered discounted kitchen either. So you are not making sense. I think you are trying to cause trouble betwen brothers. Butt out.

MuffyMcMoist · 09/11/2018 02:59

My dh and his brother go and do stuff together. They recently went to France for the Ryder Cup. Neither of them 'ran it past me'.in the sense of getting permission. My dh told me they were planning it and I said 'ok. Let me know when you're off then' I didn't even speak to bil because it wasn't my gig.

I wasn't invited, but then I'm not overly interested in watching golf.

If my bil had asked my dh if he wanted to go, and dh had said 'you'll have to ask Muffy if I can come and you might have to ask her if she wants to come as well . . . '

That would be really dead weird. My husband is allowed to do stuff with his brother without me being there. I can't even begin to imagine a situation where my husband would need my permission to accept an invitation from his brother. Not everything is all about me. Or you.

Biancadelriosback · 09/11/2018 06:29

Why does everyone think that the DH would be in trouble for extending his discount to his brother? Everywhere I've worked have allowed family to use discount or us to buy on their behalf

happystory · 09/11/2018 06:38

I'm not surprised the brother stopped offering tickets. And if I had a close relative who could help out with a considerable discount on something (assuming it's allowed) I wouldn't hesitate to ask.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/11/2018 06:57

I quite often buy tickets for events as surprise presents. I will either ask the recipient if they’re available on a particular date or better still ask their partner if I can book them. I also think the default is to spend your birthday and/or the weekend closest to it with your partner.

If he’s allowed to use the discount then DH should let him. You can then feel free to ask for tickets for an event.

EK36 · 09/11/2018 07:05

Ask them to pay you first.

Miscible · 09/11/2018 07:09

Another ridiculous MN pile-on. It makes perfect sense for OP's husband to suggest to his brother that, before they buy tickets for his birthday, they check with OP first in case she has something planned. It also makes perfect sense for him to say that, if they are going out to celebrate his birthday, he would like to include his wife because it is, y'know, a bit horrible to swan out for a birthday celebration leaving your partner on their own. Out in the real world, that's how real people conduct their lives.

BlueCurious · 09/11/2018 07:13

YABU and sound awful.

If I could save someone, particularly my family, £400 then I would. I wouldn't ever think, well what have/can you do in return?

As log as DH isn't risking his job and gets the money up front, no issue.

SecretlyChartreuse · 09/11/2018 07:31

I’m also very unsure that you could have a kitchen delivered to the “wrong” address. We’ve just had a kitchen fitted and multiple van-fulls were involved.

Staff discounts are tricky things and they’ve got stricter. When I started my old job nearly ten years ago, it was on any product and was usable by current and former staff. Now it’s only current staff, with a substantial minimum spend, and a form to fill in.

SecretlyChartreuse · 09/11/2018 07:33

So I think YADNBU!

Waitedtoolong · 09/11/2018 07:55

Wasn’t there a thread a few weeks ago where the poster was in big trouble because her husband had (innocently) used her staff discount card?
Too many possible ramifications down the line unless the discount business is all above board.
I’d be a bit miffed too if DH was offered tickets for an event and I wasn’t. We’re you ever offered tickets OP?

Notonthestairs · 09/11/2018 07:59

To be honest it wouldn't cross my mind to get involved here. Let them sort it out between themselves.

The tickets/birthday event is a separate matter.

OoohAyyye · 09/11/2018 08:06

I don't think his lack of ticket gestures should be included in your case OP because it does sound like you don't really ask.

And imo the kitchen discount is nothing to do with you really. It's not your discount.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/11/2018 08:42

@Miscible
No, it really isn't, as is evidenced by this thread by multiple, independent, posters who also live in the real world, who have a different opinion to you.

theatrelady · 09/11/2018 08:47

I often get free or heavily discounted tickets to events - for me and a plus one. Often it's quite last minute.

I would have stopped offering tickets too - especially because you would have wanted me to magic up two comped tickets rather than the one. Not possible.

I think you're being unfair to the BIL about the tickets as that's not how the industry works. However, I would be surprised if your OH was allowed to 'gift' his staff discount to anyone other than you. Worth checking the staff handbook before proceeding any further...

CoughLaughFart · 09/11/2018 08:56

If it’s for the day itself and it’s a big birthday, then maybe. But surely if the brother was doing this every year, sometimes it would be the day before or after, or even the week before or after - unless there is always an event that a) the OP’s husband would enjoy and b) his brother can get tickets for, on the actual day.

Surely he doesn’t need permission to go out with his own brother at any time in the vicinity of his birthday just in case his wife had made plans without telling him? Isn’t it also, y’know, a bit horrible to try to prevent your spouse having any kind of independent relationship with their sibling after the wedding?

drinkygin · 09/11/2018 09:06

YABVVVU. Your brother in law was doing a nice thing getting tickets for his brothers birthday and using it as a chance to spend time together and you’ve ruined it by being controlling. Your partner sharing his discount with his brother affects you in no way whatsoever, obviously you’d get the money from him first. Saying no would be purely out of spite.
(Awaits drip feed saying brother in law refused to pay before his kitchen arrives or some other nonsense)

Shirleyphallus · 09/11/2018 09:14

It also makes perfect sense for him to say that, if they are going out to celebrate his birthday, he would like to include his wife because it is, y'know, a bit horrible to swan out for a birthday celebration leaving your partner on their own

If my sister bought us theatre tickets as a birthday gift so we could spend some time together and have a nice night out; and my husband stomped his feet and shouted about being not being invited then he’d no longer be my husband.

What fucking childish behaviour.

Overinvolved · 09/11/2018 09:42

If my DH made plans with his brother for his birthday which didn’t include me I’d be pretty upset.

Notjustanyone · 09/11/2018 09:45

Well tbf it's your husbands decision as it's his job and his discount to give. He did benefit from the tickets even if you didn't so yeah he should give the discount. Just make sure your brother in law pays up first!

Notjustanyone · 09/11/2018 09:45

You are right to be upset about the tickets though.

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