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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say NO WAY to DD ?

135 replies

GonzoFlyingProducts · 08/11/2018 17:47

Before we start I'm Dad not Mum !

But for these purposes I hope that won't matter.

DD, 14, went on a PGL holiday in the summer and met a boy who she likes. He ives in a Northern city, we live in a Midlands city about 130 miles away. In October he came down to visit for the day, came to the house and seemed like a thoroughly nice kid. Now DD wants to return the visit, go North on the train, stay the night at his house and return the next day.

My instant reaction was "No way". My reasoning was she is only 14, it's a long trip to take on her own (the longest she would have ever done alone), I don't know anything about where she would be going, trains break down, get cancelled and I felt totally justified in "protecting" her from all the obvious potential dangers. The "stay the night" part is the clincher for me - a total red line "no way". Plus, to me it just felt obviously right to say no to such a plan.

Now, after weeks of her pleading and sulking, I'm being told I'm over-protective, unreasonable and she says she should be allowed to spread her wings, prove that she's mature and can stay safe etc etc etc.

So now I'm second guessing and questioning myself, wondering if I am being over-protective and a worrying too much or if in fact I am right. She is mature for her age, she'll be 15 in February. So I thought I'd ask the court of public opinion. Would you let her go?

OP posts:
Shadow1234 · 08/11/2018 21:12

Agree with others who are saying that even if she went down for the day, whats to say that she doesnt go back to an empty house and have sex in the afternoon! I would definitely feel a lot happier if it meant inviting him back to mine again, and be able to keep an eye on them.

Definitely need to have some compromise though, because at 14, your daughter will not realise that you are looking out for her best interest, and could start rebelling and playing up, or sneaking out.

Just let her know that you are not against her seeing him, but the decision has to be made with some conditions in place.
Good luck!!

Shriek · 08/11/2018 21:14

Oh Queen Flowers

Rachelover40 · 08/11/2018 21:15

Speak to the boyfriend's parents, they may be able to reassure you.

At 14 your daughter is old enough to travel on her own by train. She won't be the only passenger on the train either.

janaus · 08/11/2018 21:17

Compromise. Allow them to meet half way. A nice day time get together. Parents nearby, but not hovering around.
Good luck with this. You are not being over protective. It’s what any normal parent of a young teen would do.

EdisonLightBulb · 08/11/2018 21:17

My DD is 21 and my instinct is to tell you how proud you should be of her wanting to do this and having the confidence.

Then I got a picture out of my DDs at fourteen and thought, no fucking way!

My memory had hazed a little over the last seven years. She is far too young and vulnerable.

Shriek · 08/11/2018 21:18

DDs BF DPs also complete strangers and chances are they are far more likely to not have a problem with it. It is the DS that needs worrying about and not making other parents responsible for that. There have been some tragic and disastrous stories on here about how that can pan out

Shriek · 08/11/2018 21:19

Have missed something, where is DDs DM?

Cambalamb · 08/11/2018 21:19

YANBU I am mother of a 14 yr old DD and an 18yr old DD and my response would be exactly the same at that age. Age 16 I started to loosen restrictions and would allow a day trip but not overnight with a boy. Stand firm, of course she'll say you are unreasonable, she wants her own way. One day she'll thank you.

pilates · 08/11/2018 21:21

No I wouldn’t

Cambalamb · 08/11/2018 21:22

Have missed something, where is DDs DM?

Maybe she doesn't have one??? What difference does it make, her father is asking the question.

enoughisenough2 · 08/11/2018 21:23

NOPE

doubleshotespresso · 08/11/2018 21:23

Hell no

DramaAlpaca · 08/11/2018 21:24

Absolutely not.

PhilomenaButterfly · 08/11/2018 21:24

No way at 14.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 08/11/2018 21:24

From the age of 11 I travelled all over the country by train (and abroad by plane) on my own. That was fine. I would never have been going to stay with someone my parents didn't know though (assuming you're sure the parents will even definitely be there).
It would be a flat "no" from me.

booellesmum · 08/11/2018 21:25

I would drive her there for the day, or stay in a hotel overnight.
Compromise.

dorisdog · 08/11/2018 21:30

Good for you. I wish my parents had protected me from underage sex!

I'd say 'no' to an overnight stay. Yes, it's true that they could have sex during the day, but there's a risk of that everywhere unless you keep your teenagers in cages!

But, it's complicated at that age, I think.

My DD had sleep overs at friends, when she was 15 and their friend group were mixed genders. I got uncomfortable about it once and she reminded me that I'd always said that people can have friends of any gender. I had to be clear about boundaries and trust that they were all just friends. Which they were.

I have a female friend who had sleepovers with her 'best friend' every weekend at 14/15 who was a lesbian. It never occurred to her parents that they might be having sex until years later! (I've made sure never to assume my DD isn't intimate with other girls/non binary friends)

Anyway my point is, it's never as straightforward as you think! But I'd still on balance say that if an intimate relationship is suggested, which it sounds like it is, then a 'no' sets the tone that that you are protecting her from underage sex.

ChalkDoodler · 08/11/2018 21:32

Absolutely not.

My own usually very strict Mother let me travel on the train for several hours to go to the house of a boy I had met on holiday and stay overnight. We were 15. I had the full blessing of his parents too. Lunacy, complete lunacy. I am convinced looking back my Mum wanted me to become pregnant to confirm to her what a fuck up I was as a person. But that is another story. I wasn't even sexually active.

Fucking ridiculous to try to facilitate this "relationship" given the distance involved and the fact that she is 14. No, no, no. It wouldn't be anything I would encourage. If anything went wrong she has no-one to turn to. She is 14.

tolerable · 08/11/2018 21:35

its all about trust da...has she a (even for the time away)got a mobile?is she got him on fbook?are you able to ring his da/ma and speak to them first?(does he have a sister?)if can contact his folks first its a maybe inclined to yes(unless you hate them)

tolerable · 08/11/2018 21:38

shriek-wtf

Ariela · 08/11/2018 21:41

I'd compromise on day trip or you drive her up, meet his family at the same time they're probably just normal people equally concerned.

hamburgers · 08/11/2018 21:41

At 14? No fucking way!

Doubletrouble99 · 08/11/2018 21:58

I would drive her up there meet the parents then leave them to it for the day and collect later. If that's a success then I would suggest the boy comes for an overnight stay to yours - separate rooms - in a few weeks.
We have a 14 year old DD, she has ASD and has meet boys on camps just like yours. I was able to intercept her texts to one where she was trying to persuade him that she run away and he meet her, he didn't think it was a good idea! I decided to take her to his town so she could meet up with him. It petered out fairly quickly after that.

I feel that banning something just makes it more exiting and interesting and makes the child want to do it all the more.

Original poster
GonzoFlyingProducts · 08/11/2018 22:06

Thanks all for letting me know I was on the right track and I hear what you all say about by the age of 14 / 15 she ought to be able to handle a train journey - you're right - but if you google "sexual assault on trains" you'll see the incidence of assaults has doubled in the last five years. I'm bound to worry about it !

Some kind of compromise will be reached because I don't want to stop her seeing her friend and I don't want to push her into sneaking off to face the consequences later. She's not keen to give me his parents contact details (but I think she will in the end) and once that's established we'll work something safe (and fun for her) out.

Again, thanks all.

OP posts:
GeorgeTheHippo · 08/11/2018 22:23

You really need to stop googling things like that if you are going to get her to adulthood with your blood pressure still at a reasonable level. 😂