To say NO WAY to DD ?

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Before we start I'm Dad not Mum !

But for these purposes I hope that won't matter.

DD, 14, went on a PGL holiday in the summer and met a boy who she likes. He ives in a Northern city, we live in a Midlands city about 130 miles away. In October he came down to visit for the day, came to the house and seemed like a thoroughly nice kid. Now DD wants to return the visit, go North on the train, stay the night at his house and return the next day.

My instant reaction was "No way". My reasoning was she is only 14, it's a long trip to take on her own (the longest she would have ever done alone), I don't know anything about where she would be going, trains break down, get cancelled and I felt totally justified in "protecting" her from all the obvious potential dangers. The "stay the night" part is the clincher for me - a total red line "no way". Plus, to me it just felt obviously right to say no to such a plan.

Now, after weeks of her pleading and sulking, I'm being told I'm over-protective, unreasonable and she says she should be allowed to spread her wings, prove that she's mature and can stay safe etc etc etc.

So now I'm second guessing and questioning myself, wondering if I am being over-protective and a worrying too much or if in fact I am right. She is mature for her age, she'll be 15 in February. So I thought I'd ask the court of public opinion. Would you let her go?

I may let her do the trip for the day, but no way staying overnight.

Overnight? - no way!!!

No, just no.

I ended up pregnant at 15 because my mum allowed me to travel two hours each weekend to go and stay with my boyfriend. He was older than me but his parents still had no problems about allowing us to share a bedroom.

YANBU at all!’n

People can have sex during the day, too! And travelling alone 260 miles in a day at 14? Not a chance. One of you goes with her. No matter how 'mature' a 14-year-old is, they are not adults and don't have the neurological capability of adults, hence, can make notoriously serious errors in judgement.

It depends - have you contact with the parents, will they be home, sleeping arrangements etc? As for the journey, how many connections is it, will she be met? My kids traveled across the country at that age and younger making one change in Birmingham, admittedly together but from 10&12.

An alternative is driving her there and staying locally perhaps to give her 2 days but she sleeps at the hotel overnight. A big ask but I would be tempted so I can also meet the parents and make a judgement for the next time (you think these things will fizzle but you never know).

I suppose I'm more liberal than many posting but I do trust my kids to be sensible so have let them do many things - didn't face this particular issue until 16 though

So Queen , can I ask, do you wish she hadn't? Just because of the way you phrased that, that your DM facilitated this?

What would have made sense to you to hear from her when you were that age do you think? Or do you wish she hadn't taken the decision from you?

Can’t you take her and make a weekend of it?

Driver her up, she hangs out with him Saturday afternoon and early evening, maybe you take them both out for dinner. Drop him home and you and your daughter stay in a hotel, explore the city some more the next day and come home.

Kids needs boundaries, and kids just are not sensible, their brains haven't developed sufficiently to make such decisions, that's why it's called underage. They are driven by very powerful hormones that over-rule everything.

I’m a yes, but I’ll come too. Which might put the dampners on it, but it’s that or nothing.

I agree with the general consensus:

Not overnight unless you know (have actually met) his parent/guardian.

Doesn't mean she can't see him again though, family meet-up halfway, he comes to visit again tho etc

Why would you let your DD stay with strangers overnight?!?!? You do not know these people from Adam! They could be anyone.

This.

Overnight at 14? No way!

My dad didn't allow me to stay at my boyfriend's house overnight until I turned 18. By then, I had been with my boyfriend for 2 years, but no sleeping over until then.

Everything is unreasonable to teenage girls. They all think they're "mature for their age" (I remember trying to use that as an argument against my own dad). 130 miles is a long way away for your young daughter to essentially be staying with a stranger. Let her sulk - she can spread her wings in a few years. It will do her no harm.

In Scotland she could legally marry in 15 months - surely there’s a compromise here.

YANBU! She's far too young for a plan like this. I had a lot of (appropriate) freedom and responsibility as a teenager, including long solo train journeys to visit relatives, but I wouldn't have been allowed to do this. Think about some of the other ways of facilitating her seeing him suggested upthread and try to find a compromise-she will understand in time.

So it’s okay for friend to visit you, , but not for dd to visit him?

There’s several pints you have raised in your post.

1. train/travel - how,did the friend travel down to you? Is it a direct route or lots of changes? How travel savvy is your dd?

I think that worrying about trains breaking down etc is overthinking it. It does happen, but not that often. With mobile phones, it’s a lot easier to keep in touch, make alternative plans, keep in touch etc,. If a train does break down, it’s not the greatest disaster, but just means the journey will longer. What other potential dangers are you thinking off?

2. staying overnight - definitely more tricky. I think you need to contact the parents and to discuss it with them. They trusted friend to travel down to yours.

As others have said, travel with dd (she may like the company) and all stay in a travelodge in the area.

Sorry, longer answer than planned.

So Queen , can I ask, do you wish she hadn't? Just because of the way you phrased that, that your DM facilitated this?

It was bizarre because my mom was incredibly strict on me and my sister, we were really scared of her in some ways. The first few times he would come to me so my mum had met him but I still can’t believe she allowed me to go to his every weekend.

She never spoke to me about sex and I’m assuming the first she was aware of the fact I was doing it was when I told her I was pregnant. I got pregnant about three months after meeting him.

My mom obviously forbade me from seeing him again.

I would no doubt have hated my mom at the time if she had never allowed me to go up there in the first place (in a typical teenage way) but I absolutely wish she’d have said no. The pregnancy, the heart break, the abortion, and lots of factors surrounding it, had a huge and very negative impact on my emotional wellbeing for a very, very long time. It was an awful time of my life that I will never forget and it will always emotionally effect me.

It could all have been avoided if she had just told me I wasn’t allowed to see him.

After the pregnancy incident she cane down incredibly hard on me and even when I was 18/19 years old I wasn’t allowed to even watch a DVD in my bedroom with my boyfriend.

As I said, it was a very horrible time of my life and I carry it on my shoulders even now.

So yes, I do wish she had just told me I wasn’t allowed to see him. I would have stropped about it for a few weeks I imagine but God that would have been preferable to the situation I found myself in and the life sentence it’s left me with.

Mum to 5 DD's here. NO WAY would I allow a 14 year old off to stay at a home I've never seen with people I've never met. Absolutely not. The best I would offer is a chaperoned day trip OP.

QueenofmyPrinces

Fuck no!

Nope. Not a snowballs chance in hell would an overnight be happening.

Whilst I wouldn't allow her to stay over I would have an issue of her getting the train home, especially at this time of year when it's dark so early. My parents got the train at 18.30 last week (about a 2 1/2 hour train) and there was one group predrinking who were pretty rowdy and threatened to get put off train and then another group of girls going home who had a particularly boozy lunch and ended up in a full on fight halfway through the journey. I'm certainly no stranger to public transport and a bit encourager of getting teens used to it but I wouldn't want my 14 year old on a train like that.

I would say no too.

Trains get cancelled kids get stranded, trains get missed...not for a 14yo travelling alone first time inexperienced, nope.

Let a 14 year old travel 130 miles to stay overnight with people you don't know, not a hope in hell!

^^ This