To say NO WAY to DD ?

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Before we start I'm Dad not Mum !

But for these purposes I hope that won't matter.

DD, 14, went on a PGL holiday in the summer and met a boy who she likes. He ives in a Northern city, we live in a Midlands city about 130 miles away. In October he came down to visit for the day, came to the house and seemed like a thoroughly nice kid. Now DD wants to return the visit, go North on the train, stay the night at his house and return the next day.

My instant reaction was "No way". My reasoning was she is only 14, it's a long trip to take on her own (the longest she would have ever done alone), I don't know anything about where she would be going, trains break down, get cancelled and I felt totally justified in "protecting" her from all the obvious potential dangers. The "stay the night" part is the clincher for me - a total red line "no way". Plus, to me it just felt obviously right to say no to such a plan.

Now, after weeks of her pleading and sulking, I'm being told I'm over-protective, unreasonable and she says she should be allowed to spread her wings, prove that she's mature and can stay safe etc etc etc.

So now I'm second guessing and questioning myself, wondering if I am being over-protective and a worrying too much or if in fact I am right. She is mature for her age, she'll be 15 in February. So I thought I'd ask the court of public opinion. Would you let her go?

I'd don't think anyone thinks that. But staying overnight, especially if his parents are away, makes it more possible and also puts more pressure on her to do so.
Why did you say you'd sleep over if you're not gonna have sex with me? You're just a prick tease and frigid!
Or oh we can raid Mum's spirits cabinet and get drunk and then both regret it in the morning.
Or she could make out with him, tell him she's OK with second base, then come home and admit she wasn't bit felt she had to and there's all sorts of issues with consent etc.

But yes this could totally happen behind the bus station in the middle of the day but it is less likely

Yes to train travel. Yes to visiting the boy during the day, if prior discussion between you and his parent(s) means a parent will be in during the day, keeping a subtle ear/eye on what's going on. Yes to allowing her to be there for a limited period, which gives her time to "miss her train" and still catch the one afterwards. Absolutely not to overnight. Will PM you later.

No way. 14 is way too young.

I have a DD who is 14 and I would definitely say no, although I do also remember being 14 and desperately wanting to do that sort of stuff (not that I was allowed to). Stand firm and maybe look into a compromise... could a parent go with her to meet half way for the day, somewhere where you and them could go off separately once you are there. Explain that there have to be gradual steps to independence.

Your OP suggests you were worried about the by the train travel. I think a 14yo should be able to do a "proper" train journey by themselves and mine went to Cornwall to join a friend's family holiday in the summer, so that not I'd be OK with.

The overnight stay with a boy neither you nor she really know is much more worrying. You I suppose Myne if you can satisfy yourself that his parents are OK and will be there but I'm not sure how you achieve that.

Could she take a friend and just go for the day?

Mine had a similar request. We agreed we would go for the day and I would go off for lunch/shopping whilst they hung out together. Overnight no way. I would have let her do the train trip with a friend, but not to meet someone I had never seen before on her own.

If they want to have sex they will be it night or day. They may already have dtd at PGL.

That aside why do people think its fine for him to travel but not her.?

😮 14?! Oh hell no!

I think I would be saying no, too, though dd, at that age, was v mature and sensible. Girls are more vulnerable than boys, I think, though I could be wrong. Girls also have to deal with possible repercussions of rape etc, and I would worry about that a lot.

OTOH, I also think "if a boy can do it then so can a girl", which is definitely what I would have thought when i was 14. But then, I was repeatedly raped one night by two blokes when I was 15, so I actually have no idea what I'm talking about.

I'm pretty sure I'd say no, and dd would blame me forever! (Actually, she wouldn't, she'd have forgiven me by now, but would tell me it my fault the boy lost interest.)

That aside why do people think its fine for him to travel but not her.?
Because statistically she's more likely to be sexually assaulted?
Because generally young girls are seen as a bigger target to incidental perverts than young men?
Because if their is going to be coercion / force it is statistically more likely to be him raping her than her him?

I’d say ok to a day trip but not overnight. No way.

No way. Big nope.

Day visit or overnight?
I could imagine saying yes to a day visit.

Let a 14 year old travel 130 miles to stay overnight with people you don't know, not a hope in hell!

Day trip yes, but would have to accompany her there and then leave them to it possibly. Overnight, absolutely not.

Absolutely not. I wouldn't even consider it until she's at least 17 or 18. She's 14!! Any parent who would allow this is completely irresponsible. Don't worry about crushing her "dream." As parents that's our job sometimes.

NOPE!

I never would have been allowed to do that at 14 and I had very lenient parents.

Dude

YANBU

no way siree

Have they only met once since they met at the PGL, then? Bit of a leap to expect that they're gagging to dtd if they've only met a couple of times, no?

No it isn't. Things can get pretty intense in a week of being together and they may well be trying to take it further now.

Go with her to meet his family. Leave hem to have their day together then pick her up to travel home in the evening.

Allowing DD to go into that situation of being alone at night underage, miles away from home, in a strange house, miles away from anyone she knows. No! She's without any power in that situation, and yes,I thought that they may have already dts at pgl, although they are supposed to be completely separated and school/pgl will be in deep doodoo if they have.
Ask her if she is as its important to have all the info, and so on,but that even if they have, no, you can't let her go into such a vulnerable situation.
Many women can tell you what can happen so easily in that situation as mid teen, and has, sadly too often, coercion.

I wouldn't be happy with that at all! It would be a resounding "nope" from me too. I wouldn't have done that myself ( before I met DH) in my 30's. I think it is a crazy idea for a 14 yr old.

Ask her to come up with a safer alternative to alleviate your justified concerns and prove she is mature enough for this relationship instead

Remember, this isn't an old friend that she's known for years and you know family and so on. This is effectively a complete stranger. You have no idea what his family's rules or lack of would be, even during the day and its an importantessage to her about getting to properly know ppl in lotsnof situations, and that she just simply well underage for sleepovers.
She might not be able to say this herself and be needing you to say it so she can blame you but also use you, to be able to say no to him.
A city mid-way between. Go with, and spend the day doing your own thing and facilitate more at yours
Get to know him over months and years before you can feel he's trustworthy. They don't have a sign saying untrustworthy on their heads! Not matter how 'nice' they seem. If you've seen teens in action with each other....

Jux

It’s a NO from me too. Stand your ground