Privacy and freedom GONE when you have a baby?

[CarmelitasMango]

Does anyone else feel that when you have a baby, your freedom/choice/privacy goes out of the window? I just had a baby (12 days ago) and am finding it hard already...

Examples:

• I live a long way away from my family. Used to visit EOW. Now can't as would be taking baby away from DP and DSD far too often.
• I'm currently in hospital with a uterine infection. DP has arranged for his dad to visit so he can see his grandson. It's like he's completely overlooked the fact that I am the patient and actually I don't want visitors because I feel awful and look like shit.
• feel like I have to ask permission to make plans on weekends and evenings because baby is ebf and again I feel bad that DP won't see him those days.
• having a bath with baby. DSD walks in with DP to see baby in the bath. I'm not comfortable with this. Don't like 8 year old DSD looking at me naked. That's surely my choice? But because I had the baby with me apparently IWBU.

Am I right in thinking that my freedom and privacy is out of the window now? Feeling pretty low...

Be kinder to yourself. You gave birth less than 2 weeks ago and have had complications which will inevitably make you feel low. Once you are home and have time to adjust many of those things will seem less important or become more straightforward in time. You are entitled to uninterrupted baths though, with and without the baby.

Did you tell your DP that you didn't want visitors at the hospital?

If your DP and DSD want to see the baby in the bath, then they need to bath the baby. They don't get to come into the bathroom unless they have your permission.

Is your DP objecting to you visiting your Family, or going out with the Baby?

It shouldn't be op. I think you need a good chat with your dp about what you are and aren't comfortable with and explain that it feels like he is trampling over your boundaries at the moment.

Hopefully if your dp is not a complete dick he will realise he hasn't been considering your feelings and change his behaviour. If not, I would be having a think about the relationship.

@Birdsgottafly I did, after he had already made the decision to tell his dad to come and because he was on his way I didn't have the heart to tell him to turn around. DP knows I'm big happy.

He's not objecting to me going completely but wants me to go in the week when he's working (when my family are all working too so what's the point in me going?)

Really frustrating...

I have to trot out the classic "you have a do problem" but you do but what I don't understand is why are you giving so much consideration to him when he is showing you none?? Make plans to see friends, he's not joined at the hit to you or baby and a few hours won't kill him. Go home to your family, you need time with them too and don't ask or apologise, discuss by all means, but don't ask!

You need to put your foot down.

If you don't want visitors, tell them you don't want visitors. Tell the ward the only person that has permission to visit is your DP. And tell your DP not to be so inconsiderate.

You don't have to ask permission, discuss it like adults but you don't need permission.

Tell them both to get out. They can see baby in the bath when it's only baby in the bath.

You absolutely don't have to put up with that

Yes that’s the definition of having a baby to me. You just need to find your boundaries. Talk to your partner and find out how long he is able to go without seeing the baby.
You have to get in the habit of thinking things through in advance( like bath privacy, and hospital privacy) and asking for what you want.
It sucks, but it’s the way it is. Communication saved it for me.

*hate

Sorry this is happening to you.
I had it too.
Mil inviting tons of people to my house and insisting on walking into my bedroom when I was topless and breastfeeding. Was a big part in one of the reasons I gave up.
Family wanting to be at the hospital in the middle of the night when they were still stitching up my battered lady bits.
Mil overheard how many stitches I’d needed and two years later brought it up when some friends were visiting. It wasn’t just a women’s conversation either we are talking their middle aged couple friends.
I was horrified.
Truly awful. And I’ve never really forgave some of them for the way they went on.
I wish I’d put my foot down. I think it contributed to pnd.
Dp is realising In hindsight how it was for me but at the time was so caught up in the excitement of a new baby he didn’t stop 2 think of me.
Second time I’m insisting that things will be different and I’m not Standing for any invasion to my privacy.
Family will be nowhere near the hospital. They can see me at home when I feel ready.
I don’t care if there’s twenty people along to say that’s mean keeping family/in-laws at a distance.
Mums deserve privacy too.

I live a long way away from my family. Used to visit EOW. Now can't as would be taking baby away from DP and DSD far too often*
How often do you see DSD?

Do you realise you need to stop every few hours and get baby out the car seat and I mean 1-2 hourly at this age.
Did you not discuss this before you got pregnant?

I'm currently in hospital with a uterine infection. DP has arranged for his dad to visit so he can see his grandson. It's like he's completely overlooked the fact that I am the patient and actually I don't want visitors because I feel awful and look like shit
Tell the nurse you don't want visitors.

feel like I have to ask permission to make plans on weekends and evenings because baby is ebf and again I feel bad that DP won't see him those days.
Has he said or is this conjecture? You won't be up for going out as often anyway if you intend to have baby in tow. Baby will have a sleep routine at some point (ha!!) and you have a nappy bag and spare clothes and sore boobs to cart everywhere, plus car seat or sling for baby. Possibly a screaming baby if it's too noisy / bright /quiet. Def make sure he's competent to look after DC so you can go out alone when you're ready though.

having a bath with baby. DSD walks in with DP to see baby in the bath. I'm not comfortable with this. Don't like 8 year old DSD looking at me naked. That's surely my choice? But because I had the baby with me apparently IWBU
Lock the door. Or if DSD walking into the bathroom is normal / they really want to watch let them bath the baby and you get a drink and a rest.

But largy I think you're ill and hormonal, this isn't what you'd planned (Re illness), DP hasn't merged into the perfect guy after all and you're entitled to feel shit and have a good cry /moan / rant.

Congratulations x

Goodness, you need someone to look out for you.
Can one of your parentss or a sibling or good friend come over to help out, and explain if it’s brought up, that this isn’t satisfactory behaviour.

You can travel as much as you did before, to see your family. Your partner and his child can go too if they want to ?
But don’t let them stop you from getting out and about if you want to.

You need your family at this time, quite often.

Lock your bathroom door ! No one comes in the bathroom when I am in the bath, ever.

If you have no lock,and no one to fix it, take a chair upstairs, tip it over and jam under the door handle, or jam towels under the door so it can’t be opened easily ( youngest learnt how to undo the lock from the outside and let themselves in 😀)

You could mention your situation to a midwife or health visitor, but I’m reluctant to confide much in these people, just keep it to baby stuff for them.

If your partner is this unreasonable at the moment, is he normally like this ?

You lost your freedom once you got pregnant so you have negotiate with your DP when you take your(plural) baby to see your(singular) relations and expect to take the other two with you.

In regards to the other things:

1. Speak up if you don't want people visiting you at home or in hospital. In a hospital situation you can actually get the staff to enforce your wishes if your DP won't listen.
2. Lock the bathroom door if you don't want your DSD to see you naked.

You do lose some of your "freedom" when you have a baby, especially when you bf. But one of the biggest advantages of bf is that you can go pretty much anywhere with the baby at any time; no need for bottles, sterilisers etc.

I now have a 2yo and an 8mo. The 8mo still comes pretty much everywhere; pub, meetings, days out. I miss the days when he was a tiny baby and I could shut him up by shoving a boob in his mouth

If you want to visit family take baby with you.

Regards the other stuff, listen to previous posters

So many people look at your baby and forget that you are a new mum and that the baby is your baby. All they think is 'that baby is my grandbaby' or 'that baby is my family so I have a right to see it'. Whilst they are family and they mean well wanting to see your baby it's not for them to decide how and when that happens. People also get very selfish around newborns and forget about the needs and rights of the mum to privacy. You've been through so much already in two short weeks and you need your space and dignity

Congratulations and I hope things improve for you from here.

And yes, to telling the nurses, you don’t want visitors.

Oh and if your DSD annoys you while breastfeeding tell her to go away as she is distracting the baby from feeding.

However all ways remember she is excited to have a baby sibling and means no harm.

Congratulations!! Yeah I feel this way too, I've got an 8 week old and went through a stage of mourning for both my old life and also for my privacy.

Labor was such a shock, so little dignity!! But it was worth it for my baby. However, having your DSD is to see bath time is not on, you deserve privacy and need to sit din and tell your DP that. I get uncomfortable when my nieces come too close when I'm BF my baby, as in close enough to touch his face, and they are only 5!

I'm afraid it does sound like you have a DP problem.

I'd have torn my DP's head off by now, not literally obvs. Set the ground rules now or you'll be fighting his over bearing ways forever.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so shit and wish you a speedy recovery so you can enjoy your gorgeous baby. Re privacy, you have the right to put your foot down, and you do need to have a strong word with your DH.

But on freedom, yep, that’s pretty much the deal - you have signed away a large proportion of your independence for the next 16 years. Every move you make will be a negotiation. Life will be fine, you will get better, there are many compensations for the bargain you have made but there is a cost.

You need to put your footdown and set out realistic boundaries including compromises with your DP. At the moment he is completely overruling you

@SleepingStandingUp yes I realise that. I would just stop on the way? It's a 3.5 hour drive.

We didn't really discuss it, no. I honestly just didn't think to.

Telling the nurse I don't want visitors wouldn't in my opinion be the best option... DP knows visitors are allowed so his dad not being let in because the nurses are refusing visitors to see me specifically would cause an issue. I may as well just tell DP. The problem was he arranged it without even telling me. If I had have known I would've said no. His dad was already half way down the motorway when he told me.

I've been out a fair bit already. Been for coffee dates twice and a meal with friends twice but that's been during the day. Not the evening/weekend. I'm tired but really feeling good and like we can be out and about :)

I am realising that this is a DP problem though and not all blokes are the same as this after a baby... clearly!

It's frustrating. He can go away when he wants, go to the gym when he wants, work weekends when he wants etc. He's not realising that I don't have the same freedoms and I hate when he makes me feel guilty for wanting to go away for a few days. I just feel totally trapped by my (beautiful) baby.

Congratulations.

AIBU - feeling unhappy about things, baby in bath/visitors in hospital - no YANBU.

The urine infection will make you feel low.

You need to be a LOT more demanding.

You demand that your step daughter doesn't come in the bathroom, or lock the door. You say no to visits from FIL, if you are not up to it, your partner could take baby to see Granddad or whatever.

If these feelings persist then please do speak to the midwife and make sure you don't a touch of post natal depression. I was ill after the birth and I had a bit of mild PND. It's not necessarily the reason you feel so bad but it may be contributing.

Your dh was being totally unreasonable taking dsd to see baby in the bath with you, my dsd was 5 when dd1 was born and I would have felt really uncomfortable, I didn’t even want to look at myself naked after giving birth let alone let anyone else see me. He should have asked you about his dad visiting too.