Privacy and freedom GONE when you have a baby?

[CarmelitasMango]

Does anyone else feel that when you have a baby, your freedom/choice/privacy goes out of the window? I just had a baby (12 days ago) and am finding it hard already...

Examples:

• I live a long way away from my family. Used to visit EOW. Now can't as would be taking baby away from DP and DSD far too often.
• I'm currently in hospital with a uterine infection. DP has arranged for his dad to visit so he can see his grandson. It's like he's completely overlooked the fact that I am the patient and actually I don't want visitors because I feel awful and look like shit.
• feel like I have to ask permission to make plans on weekends and evenings because baby is ebf and again I feel bad that DP won't see him those days.
• having a bath with baby. DSD walks in with DP to see baby in the bath. I'm not comfortable with this. Don't like 8 year old DSD looking at me naked. That's surely my choice? But because I had the baby with me apparently IWBU.

Am I right in thinking that my freedom and privacy is out of the window now? Feeling pretty low...

Id be tempted to, and wish I had, express milk and get an occasional bottle in. You need to grab the window of opportunity in the first few weeks though - I left it too late and my son just WOULD NOT take a bottle at all.
That way you could leave enough breast milk with DP and go out for a couple of hours. And he couldnt complain of being deprived of his baby. If he then had a problem you would know it was something else.
It doesnt mean you HAVE to give him a bottle, but it gives options. and options are always good. You never know when you might need them

It would be very good too to have him look after the baby alone - nappy/feed/bath etc. because he needs to be able to do this.

My dh would have been gutted if I’d taken ds away for the weekend at two weeks old. When dh was working and I was off it was so important that he had weekend time with ds. He had him far more than I did at weekends as I’d had him all week.
I think you’re being pretty unfair on your dp by not understanding why he wouldn’t want you to take his tiny son away.

museumum but not enough to give up 90 minutes gym EVERY NIGHT

he isn't compromising on his usual life / lifestyle at all, is he? The 1.5 hours in the gym is his time with the baby and he's choosing to spend it at the gym instead.

Even if he has a family history of heart problems like I have, he is being unreasonable spending 1.5 hours every working evening at the gym. He needs to cut his exercise time down and change to do shorter sessions. He can do HIIT and other forms of exercise that don't take 1.5 hours to do.

Also as PPs stated DSD needs time alone with her father. The contact time she spends with you is legally actually for her to build a relationship with her father not the rest of you. So you going away every 6 weeks is fair and you should point this out to your DP. Though I think going Wednesday to Sunday is too much. You should go Thursday morning and try to arrive back at Sunday lunch time so DSD sees her baby sibling before being handed back. In between a couple of your relations a time can travel up to see you, where you live, etc.

@BlueBug45 or DP could come to visit on the Friday eve to Sunday and we all head back together? Just an idea I'm throwing out there. It's hard to work these things out! I'm really concerned I won't see my family as much...

OP - yep that is another reasonable suggestion. Give him options.

I think it is inevitable that you may not see as much of family as before, or all at once. However both your priorities should change, not just yours. He may need to reconsider his training regime and how often he sees dsd. Have your family and friends been able to visit the baby yet? I think things may feel less stressful once you are out of hospital in your own space and have less time to dwell on what you may be missing out on. Could your friends visit you while dp is at the gym?

He can’t complain about you taking baby away for the weekend and not seeing him, yet go to the gym for an hour and a half every night.

A few questions for you

• when are you going back to work, if you do?
• and is your DH still working eow?
• how is your DH getting in with your family?
• is he at home with his dd is fitting during the week or is he still going to the gym?

Whilst I can see why he would to spend time with his baby, I can also see that he is quite happy to pick and choose. So he is still going out every evening as if his life hadn’t changed but you have to make concessions right left and centre.

So he is saying that you been away during the week is ok because actually he’d rather spend the evening atvthe gym. But at the weekend because THEN he wants time with his dc.
The fact YOU want to do something different doesn’t seem to have entered his mind.

I have to say, please don’t feel guilty to take away his baby. He is quite happy to go away in the evening instead if been at home with her.
But yes you need to find a balance.
That might include you spending some time with your family during the week and then staying the weekend. Weekend he can spend with you with your family.
But think about it long term too. How would that work if/when you will back at work?
You seeing your family (and you baby seeing your family too) is just as important as his dd seeing her sibling, him seeing his baby etc...
Don’t out yourself at the bottom of the pile to please everyone else.

He can’t just pick and chose when he sees his child on the basis of it being convenient for him. Are you supposed to just sit and wait for him at home and be grateful when he appears? He has an hour and a half every evening, he could chose that.

@MyBrexitIsIll I'm taking 8 months of maternity leave.

He's working the occasional Sunday now.

DP gets on great with my family.

He still goes to the gym...

You are being unreasonable to visit your family for so long so often!

@huggybear I don't think 4 nights every 4-6 weeks is that often?

Huggy he can go with them for all or part but is choosing not to

Telling the nurse I don't want visitors wouldn't in my opinion be the best option... DP knows visitors are allowed so his dad not being let in because the nurses are refusing visitors to see me specifically would cause an issue. I may as well just tell DP. The problem was he arranged it without even telling me. If I had have known I would've said no. His dad was already half way down the motorway when he told me.

This sounds worrying and sends up warning signals to me.
My DH would never have arranged for family to visit me in hospital without my permission. He certainly wouldn't have made a fuss if I'd told the Nurse I didn't want visitors.
I do wonder why he split from his first wife. He really isn't respecting your boundaries or either your or the baby's needs and feelings.
And put a lock on the bathroom door.

Surely your family has a right to see the baby too? Maybe not as often as you used to visit but you shouldn’t have to stop going entirely. You shouldn’t have to have visitors if you don’t feel up to it. FIL could have seen the baby when you’re better. Your DH was BU to bring him to hospital when you’re unwell. And nobody has the right to see you naked, not even DSD!

It’s probably already been said, but you don’t have a baby problem - you have a DH problem. He isn’t respecting your privacy and it’s totally inappropriate.

Given you had the baby two weeks ago why don't your family come to visit you this time? Your DP needs to cut down at the gym to a couple of nights a week or so, but to take the baby away from her father and half sister, for four nights every month or so is quite a lot.
Also do you only bath baby with you? That's something DP and DSD can share in too, I get you want privacy when you're in the bath (DH always chats to me when I'm in the tub and so does my niece when she's here, but I know not everyone is comfortable with that).
He definitely should have asked you about the hospital visit.

but to take the baby away from her father and half sister, for four nights every month or so is quite a lot
I n e other hand step mums are repeatedly told that their partners need to spend alone time with their older child, that it's really important that thry aren't pushed out. Given that DSD is seeing the baby in the week every week, I'm sure a weekend with. Just Daddy doing big girl stuff every 6 weeks could be fairly easily sold, and genuinely be nice for her

When he only has his daughter 2 evenings a week (not overnight) and eow it’s a poor show to be going to the gym on those evenings.

Unless he goes after dropping her off at her mum’s.

If you go every 4-6 weeks could you alternate with your dp going with you then having alone time with dsd?
So dp only doesn't see the baby once every 8-12 weeks, and he gets specific time with his daughter?
Or if he chooses which weekends to work he could work the weekend you aren't there possibly.

If his dad comes to the hospital again, get dp to meet him in the hospital canteen with baby for an hour or so (depending how often baby feeds) and you try and sleep or read a bit or something.

Lock the door when you're in the bathroom, and let dp and dsd bath baby without you once in a while.