Privacy and freedom GONE when you have a baby?

[CarmelitasMango]

Does anyone else feel that when you have a baby, your freedom/choice/privacy goes out of the window? I just had a baby (12 days ago) and am finding it hard already...

Examples:

• I live a long way away from my family. Used to visit EOW. Now can't as would be taking baby away from DP and DSD far too often.
• I'm currently in hospital with a uterine infection. DP has arranged for his dad to visit so he can see his grandson. It's like he's completely overlooked the fact that I am the patient and actually I don't want visitors because I feel awful and look like shit.
• feel like I have to ask permission to make plans on weekends and evenings because baby is ebf and again I feel bad that DP won't see him those days.
• having a bath with baby. DSD walks in with DP to see baby in the bath. I'm not comfortable with this. Don't like 8 year old DSD looking at me naked. That's surely my choice? But because I had the baby with me apparently IWBU.

Am I right in thinking that my freedom and privacy is out of the window now? Feeling pretty low...

Absolutely. and then it's suddenly 18 years later and you get all your privacy and freedom back again. It goes shockingly quickly, I can assure you!

@Rhiannon13 so I just accept it?

AIBU - feeling you can't just take baby for a drive hours away for a weekend without negotiating with your partner, the baby's dad - yes YABU.

"- feel like I have to ask permission to make plans on weekends and evenings because baby is ebf and again I feel bad that DP won't see him those days."

I think you never need to ask permission for yourself but as a family now you probably do need to negotiate time and places and who is doing what and when because you are now a family in a special way and baby comes with you which might mean dad gets pushed out.

"He's not objecting to me going completely but wants me to go in the week when he's working (when my family are all working too so what's the point in me going?)"

Presumably your family are not all working 24/7. If you are at home with baby all the time and your dp is working and your family is working I would negotiate things between you all.

It is important your dp gets to bond well with baby. If the situation were reversed and my dp were at home with baby all week and then took baby to see family at weekend when I was at home I would feel very upset.

I am not saying I agree with him about everything but in this area I think you need to work things out so your dp gets to see the baby plenty too, and does his share of child care etc.

Going to family without baby's dad potentially every other weekend will become, I think, very disruptive to family life in the long run.

"Really frustrating..." If I were your dp I would equally find this Really frustrating...

Just as an aside when my dad died I was pregnant. Our early life with dd was spent going to my mum's house a lot. My dh accepted it because he knew I wanted to help my mum and also my dh came too. And it was not four hours away. But it did mean in those early years are family life was not great and I do have a new sense of pride that my dh supported me so much.

Returnofthesmileybar "Go home to your family, you need time with them too and don't ask or apologise, discuss by all means, but don't ask!"

But the OP is talking about a visit home potentially every other weekend, presumably for overnight, perhaps even more than one night. Would you be OK if your partner took your new baby to their family every other weekend when you were at work all week? I'd say even once a month is a lot.

No you dont this isnt about your baby its about your relationship and the fact he does what he wants but doesnt let you

You need to sort it now

It's a 3.5 hour drive
When you said far away I was thinking a 10 hour drive plus 4 stops each way on your own with baby when you aren't sleeping for linger than a few hours in between.

The Dad thing I'd have gone mad at, told DH he could take DBaby out to the hospital cafe for 20 minutes but that's easy for me to say, not post natal and in pain feeling crap

Is DH on paternity leave?

I do think you have to consider him too with raking DBaby away. I suggested to DH me and 3 yo go away all weekend without him, he works full time so sees DS 8 hours a week Mon-Fri, he wasn't partic thrilled so I didn't go, but he wouldn't have attempted to tell me no. If DH will be working long days and you want to be out every other night til bedtime of course he's going to miss DBaby. How often would you be up for him taking him out once you're back at work so you don't see him until bedtime? Can he and DAD not come visit with you? Or just him depending in custody arrangements

Rhiannon13 "Absolutely. and then it's suddenly 18 years later and you get all your privacy and freedom back again. It goes shockingly quickly, I can assure you!"

It does go fast, but actually you get gradual freedoms back over the years. When they go to nursery, when they go to child care and you work and get to have a lunch with no baby talk, when they go to school, when they go for sleepovers, when they are teenagers and then when they leave home. It changes all the time.

This is a tough bit, you are ill, you feel frustrated that your dp has not respected your wishes re visitors and your bathing etc, you need to talk to him about all this. Actually you need to do a lot more talking together.

Those freedoms will come back but do not wish these early day and weeks and months away.

Please look into the PND, everyone always says it as a possible but sometimes it is true. XX

I'm absolutely not looking at taking DS away every other weekend. I think that would be unreasonable. I'm thinking Weds-Sun once a month/every 6 weeks ish.

And again re going out on evenings, I'm talking maybe once a week/every 10 days etc not every other evening.

Not sure I made that clear; apologies.

He's not realising that I don't have the same freedoms
Alt of your lack of freedom is because you're breastfeeding. Which is great and a that but if it's too much its also OK to not do it. You can choose to bottle feed so DH can have baby for linger, or express and combo feed so you can eep through one night or go out for a meal without them.

what is his problem with that OP it sounds perfectly reasonable

Is he on pat leave op?
What time is he out for work?

OP my DC is 8 months old and I had a similar start. I couldn't get over the fact that my freedom was gone. My family live 2 hours away by car (I don't drive) and it blew my mind that I couldn't just get on a train and go see them. The lack of independence was so shocking.

My partner invited his ex-girlfriend into my hospital room, whilst I had a chest infection and flu and two days after a blood transfusion, because my DSD wanted to visit the baby. His ex saw my DC before my sister did!

I had a massive DP problem. He couldn't understand that my life had changed in an instant whilst his continued largely unchanged. We had other, significant, problems, though, and I left him - though we are very slowly working through a reconciliation.

It drives me potty when people blithely say "Oh that's it now! No more sleep and your life isn't your own anymore". Because it seems quite cruel. Your independence is inhibited but if you discuss it with your partner, it doesn't have to disappear. I can't loiter in bookshops for hours on end anymore but I do still get to see friends, go for coffee etc., and enjoy it all the more when I do.

@SleepingStandingUp he was on leave but it's finished now. He leaves at 6:45 and gets back about 5:30/6.

@SleepingStandingUp absolutely no chance I'm giving up breastfeeding! I completely respect why some people do and that's fine but I worked so hard to be able to breast feed my baby and wouldn't have it any other way. Freedom list or not!

*lost

@Quartz2208 he thinks I should just go in the week and never on a weekend...

CarmelitasMango "I'm absolutely not looking at taking DS away every other weekend. I think that would be unreasonable. I'm thinking Weds-Sun once a month/every 6 weeks ish." That sounds more reasonable. Talk to your partner. Does your stepdaughter live with you. Please remember he will also be factoring in the stepdaughter, as will you and so you both have lots on your plate.

"And again re going out on evenings, I'm talking maybe once a week/every 10 days etc not every other evening." I took my new baby out to a restaurant and even an evening church event. But fairly soon I was not so keen to go out and I was probably knackered a lot! You will find your rhythm and you will get your freedoms back.

"Not sure I made that clear; apologies." I took the every other week from your intro. I made my dh and our baby go to my mum's every week in the early days, it was not really good. My mum didn't really need it. If I had that time again I would propably priosirtsie my immediate family. With ds (who is adopted) we kept wider family at bay more. A new family does need some time to learn to be together IMHO.

Your DP needs to respect your boundaries. Walking in on you when you’re in the bath is absolutely not on.
Inviting his dad to see the baby when you’re in hospital is not on.

I’m pregnant and have been very clear with my husband that anything that happens during labour and delivery etc. is my private medical information and is NOT to be shared with anyone. Just because I’m having a baby doesn’t mean my medical procedures are suddenly up for discussion amongst all and sundry.

he wasn't partic thrilled so I didn't go, but he wouldn't have attempted to tell me no

He may as well have done though

Why can’t you all go together to visit your family?

Honestly evenings out once a week with a newborn?! I would just want to be in bed!

CarmelitasMango "he thinks I should just go in the week and never on a weekend..."

I think compromise is key.

www.telegraph.co.uk/goodlife/11511621/Compromise-is-the-key-to-relationships.-Ive-learnt-the-hard-way.html

I hope none of my words have been harsh, OP, I realise you are in the hospital and I really wish you very well.

Sorry OP, I've just read that back and it sounds awful! I really (REALLY) struggled with similar issues early on but things do settle down somehow. Maybe it's a combination of getting used to it and things naturally evening out, but it really does get easier and the way you feel now won't last forever. You just need to make your feelings known to those around you.

he wasn't partic thrilled so I didn't go, but he wouldn't have attempted to tell me no

He may as well have done though

Not at all. I knew he'd miss DS, things are crap with him having a very poorly DF and I totally get why he didn't want us to go. In the Summer I went a few days before him and he loved the peace 😂 😂. He wouldn't have said "you can't go" because he knows he doesn't get to tell me what to do, only what he wants me to do, and that I'm far more likely to do something if he tries it. There's a huge difference between not doing something because someone I love and respect has a good reason for wanting me to not do it and not doing it because I feel I'm not allowed / scared to etc

@noitsachicken because he's at work and has DSD a lot of the time too. It would be too much to go all that way on a Saturday to then come back on a Sunday.

As PPs say, you set some boundaries and notify DP since he’s been thoughtless at best. Privacy in the bath; no hospital visitors.

Similarly, what do you think is fair for both of you (and both the DC) with respect to (in his case) work, parenting, domestic and leisure time? Set it out.

@Italiangreyhound not harsh at all. Even if they were, I can take harsh 😜