Privacy and freedom GONE when you have a baby?

[CarmelitasMango]

Does anyone else feel that when you have a baby, your freedom/choice/privacy goes out of the window? I just had a baby (12 days ago) and am finding it hard already...

Examples:

• I live a long way away from my family. Used to visit EOW. Now can't as would be taking baby away from DP and DSD far too often.
• I'm currently in hospital with a uterine infection. DP has arranged for his dad to visit so he can see his grandson. It's like he's completely overlooked the fact that I am the patient and actually I don't want visitors because I feel awful and look like shit.
• feel like I have to ask permission to make plans on weekends and evenings because baby is ebf and again I feel bad that DP won't see him those days.
• having a bath with baby. DSD walks in with DP to see baby in the bath. I'm not comfortable with this. Don't like 8 year old DSD looking at me naked. That's surely my choice? But because I had the baby with me apparently IWBU.

Am I right in thinking that my freedom and privacy is out of the window now? Feeling pretty low...

absolutely no chance I'm giving up breastfeeding!
And I'm absolutely not saying you should but that of course is the compromise.

What would happen if you did take DS out once a week in the evening so DH didn't get to see him?

Do you have separate cars?

Does DS live with you full time?

On trips to your family I think DP is U if he only wants you to go on weekdays, when the people you visit work on weekdays.

Sorry cross posted on one. Surely the compromise is leaving after work on a Friday and coming back Sunday or booking a days leave? If he has DSD every weekend then point out new babies can make step kids feel isolated so he can have a weekend at home with just her and really enjoy their time together!!

@SleepingStandingUp yep, we both have our own car.

DS lives with us full time?
DSD doesn't however. She's with us EOW and a couple of evenings in the week.

because he's at work and has DSD a lot of the time too.

Quite ridiculous to expect you to visit working family members during the week when they're at work.

BUT surely he needs 1-1 time with DSD anyway? Especially now little one has arrived. So a weekend trip for you to visit family and leave them to get on with it once every 4/6 weeks sounds perfect I think.

Yeah sorry I meant DSD. Early mornings are killing me!!

So the weekend he doesn't have her ask him to book a day off and join you from Fri morn to Sun eve. No child so he can go atriagh down no stops. You go Wed, he there by Fri lunchtime, both leave in convoy Sun. If he chooses not to, then it's not you unwilling to compromise

sleeping but this way I wouldn't even have 2 days with my family/friends from my home town per month. That doesn't sound like a good compromise to me? I genuinely think Weds-Sun is fine. I do see that some people agree with my DP that I'm BU so see where he's coming from..

@SleepingStandingUp xp again!! That sounds like quite a good idea actually...

Can family/friends not visit you sometimes. EOW seems a lot of leisure time to spend apart, baby or not.

I'm not going EOW. That's just what I used to do before baby was born.

How old is DSD @CarmelitasMango

The point is to make reasonable offers to compromise, understand IF his saying no I don't want you to is reasonable or not and then find a balance

Is he hands on once he's home?

@SleepingStandingUp he's hands on but he does go to the gym for 1.5 hours per night. Which annoys me because he's happy to spend time away from his son when it suits him.

He is hands on though and helps a lot when he's at home.

DSD is 8

Realistically it may be harder now for you to spend much time visiting family and friends several hours away, but much depends on your health and energy levels and DS’ sleep and tolerance for travel!

Will get harder when you return to work. When DS is older you will of course be more able to leave him with DP and travel alone.

EOW and a couple of evenings (not overnights) in the week isn’t actually all that much that you have DSD.

You could schedule some trips for when she’s at her Mums; and DSD may also enjoy some one to one weekends with her father.

But even without a baby, EOW seems pretty excessive to me, to be travelling 3.5 hrs just for a weekend. Presumably, you left your DP at home?

Did you want to move away from family or is it something you had to do in order to be with DP? I sense a lot of resentment from you here...

Why can't your family travel to you for the odd weekend?

It’s not “help” it’s parenting. And “when he’s at home” (which he determines) should be fair to you and the DC, which may sometimes mean he should work fewer hours or enjoy less leisure time.

1.5 hours gym most evenings on top of full time work is well OTT when there’s a newborn in the house!

Ah screw that CarmelitasMango. If he misses DS so much he can come home straight from work and see him. No one needs to go to the gym 1.5 hrs a day when they have a 2 week old baby at home!! So on that basis, one night out a week is fine. You might not feel like it much once he's teething / got a sleep routine / etc but whilst it's working for you both (you and DS) then enjoy. Presumably you're seeing friends who work full time and home at a reasonable time to put baby to bed anyway

Are you left with dsd while he goes to the gym midweek? That is not going to be as feasible with a baby to consider too.

@TattyCat he used to work EOW to earn extra money and I used to go home to see my family.

No resentment though. Definitely not the emotion I'm feeling!

@TattyCat my whole family (I have a big, BIG, family - definitely can't fit them all in my house....)

My kids are now 11 and 7, so it's a while back now, but I still remember how shocked I was that my DH suddenly didn't seem to be the equal sharing, modern man I'd thought he was. I was stuck at home breastfeeding and he was talking about how he might go and see a film - he even went travelling for three weeks with a friend who didn't have kids at one point (when our first was about 2YO).

Looking back, I think having a baby is a huge shock to the system and to our expectations - you don't expect to feel as trapped as suddenly you are by the fact that you have this baby that needs feeding every two hours. Suddenly I was totally responsible for this entirely dependent baby - and then of course as they get older they're less dependent on you, they go to nursery/school/sleepovers/school camp and so on. I think I have a pretty equal relationship though - but it's been achieved through negotiation and telling him straight when I thought he was being unreasonable - and of course he tells me when he thinks I've been unreasonable. One thing I did do the first time round was assume I was the only one that could possibly look after my child properly – once I let others help, things got easier. So if DP and DSD want to see baby in the bath, they can do it. If it's you and baby in the bath, the door could be locked.

Congratulations on your baby OP.

Understand the lack of privacy etc, it takes a while to adjust IMO.

Sorry you're unwell. Tell DP you don't want visitors. If you don't feel up to this, tell the nurses you don't want any visitors.

I have a big, BIG, family - definitely can't fit them all in my house....

OK, so what are the options for moving a bit closer to your family? You sound very close to them so perhaps the compromise should be where you live. Taking into consideration DSD also, could you move equidistant?

He's home 5.30/6 after a 90 minute gym session, so with additional travel etc he could probably be home for 4 ish?! And he's strolling in at 6 saying oh don't go out, I miss the baby?

Presumably he's in bed fairly early as he's out for 6.45 so up6 at latest? So he's helping for 4 hours a day? Is he cooking and cleaning?