To put mum in a nursing home?

[louisarh]

How do I do it ?
Do I just ring around nursing homes?
Or do I have to contact social services?

If she has enough funds to pay for it, then you just ring around to find who has spaces for someone with her needs and then visit.

If you/she can't afford to pay, then she'll need a SS assessment of needs, then you'll have to fight with them to get a placement

Are you OK? Have things suddenly deteriorated or are you at the end of your tether?

Why do you feel your mum needs to go into a nursing home? Does she need one? Does she want to go into a home? Where is she living now? Her own house? In a residential home? In supported housing? In your home?

If she has care needs then yes, phoning social services for an assessment is the first stage.

Does she have mental capacity? What does she want?
Could be helpful to have needs assessment carried out by social services - could extra support at home help?

She's 98 and has dementia.
I care on my own and I can't take no more.
She is having hallucinations visual and auditory.
She's asking for her mum.
On a night when I put her to bed (after I go home) she is banging on the front door,screaming for hours.
The neighbours have said it's every night,they are loosing sleep.
Police were here last week and had to break door down as she was hysterical.
I can't do anymore.
She lives in council property.

Poor you, and her. Please phone social services for an assessment of her needs, and also yours as a carer.

If she is a council tenant and will not be self-funding then yes, you will have to contact the council and ask what the procedure is for moving your mum to a nursing home. She clearly sounds like she needs 24-hour care and if she cannot be left alone at night then it will be safest and most appropriate for her to be in a residential care home.

Also she's started wandering out of her house.

I have wanted to keep her home for as long as possible but it's not safe anymore and if she hurts herself I would be to blame.

So sorry for you and your mum. I’d call her GP and the adult social care team in your area and arrange an emergency assessment. This sounds so much like what happened with my Grandma. They found her a place in a specialist dementia unit almost immediately. Good luck. Oh and YANBU at all, it will be better for both of you.

Do you have power of attorney for her?

Ring adult social care

Have you got the GP to test for urine infection as this can cause hallucinations and make symptoms of dementia worse. There is a forum on here for elderly parent help and also look on age uk web site. You need to get in touch with Social Services as well as they will need to assess whether she warrants a place if your mum is funded.

OP she does need 24 hour care, in a specialist facility. You’ve done so well to get to this stage, it’s not a job for one person. Phone your local social services adult care line and let them know this is an emergency and ask to speak to a duty social worker. Are you locking her in at night? Hnot recommending, just asking)

I lock the door yes but there is a key in the wall unit (I don't know if she knows it's there ,I do tell her but I don't want her to get out.
It's a loosing situation

Crikey,please be kind to yourself.

I always thought i would care for my parents in old age. My mil had multiple physical difficulties, needed help eating, toileting and assisting with bathing. We did all that.

My own mother with dementia however we just couldn't. It was a hard realisation but the truth is she needed 24 hour awake care. We had no sleep, couldnt go shopping etc. Shes much happier in the care home, where they arent trying to force her into a routine that doesnt suit her.

It was the hardest decision but in hind sight the best one. My visits are now less fraught, i have time to spend with her sitting and being, rather than do 101 things at the same time.

OP I used to work for adult social services. If I were in your situation then I would phone social services today as a priority. Your mum isn’t safe to be on her own overnight- if there was an emergency she is most likely not able to get out of the house. Please, phone them, they can help.

Dangermouse-do you know if there's such a thing as overnight carers?

...and it is very common for family carers to end up getting to the point they cannot do it any longer. In adult social services most clients are elderly, often with dementia, and they deal with situations like your mums every day. You will most definitely not be judged for phoning them up, or seen as a bad daughter. If anything they will be amazed you’ve made it this far! It’s really hard to admit it’s too much, but seriously, in the situation you are in now you and your mum need and deserve the help

I've tried keeping her home for as long as possible but it's now reached a point where it's not sustainable.
I'm not well myself with depression and it's only getting worse.

louisarh yes there is such a thing as overnight carers. V expensive though, often more expensive than a residential/nursing placement but ok in an emergency. However, the carer would not be able to stop your mum leaving the house if she wanted to- they could discourage/distract her, or go out with her, but not force her to remain in the house. Also, it sounds like there may be issues around your mums capacity to consent to having carers there ie would she agree to it? If not, unless you have a power of attorney registered then social services would need to be involved with decision making.

She has no savings etc just her pension
Would her pension fund this ?
Or not?
It's so hard to know what choice is the correct choice.
I just don't know what to do for the best

Dementia is a horrible illness that needs professsional care from a specialist team. I am constantly amazed by people who genuinely believe one, untrained person can do it for 24 hours a day. You wouldn't say that about any other fatal disease.

OP, DM will be better off in a home, probably happier, inasfar as she can be happy. You sound completely heroic - you've evidently hung on till the disease is very advanced. Now do the right thing for both of you and call SS.

That sounds awful for you louisarh
I would ring social services, hopefully they can arrange respite care for your mum, so you can have a break and decide what action to take.
I looked after my mum who had dementia, it was one of the most stressful times of my life and I had 5 siblings who did help occasionally.
Good luck.

louisarh I’m not at all surprised you are unwell. It must be such a stressful situation you are in, and you are doing a job that several people would be doing if your mum received care or was in a home. It’s too much for one person at the stage your mum is at, and it is relentless. There are some really good places/carersfor people with dementia (fortunately less bad ones) as we know so much more about it now.

Her pension won’t be enough to self fund. You will need to call social service