To put mum in a nursing home?

[louisarh]

How do I do it ?
Do I just ring around nursing homes?
Or do I have to contact social services?

We actually have a SW allocated to us from her last hospital stay.
I left a voicemail message at 4pm but no reply.
I'm assuming she's gone for the day.
Sometimes mum doesn't realise she's even home anymore.
She asks to go home and keeps talking about her old house.
Maybe she wouldn't even realise was in a care home.
Il still go every day for a few hours and take in things she likes.
I'm trying to convince myself it's for the best.

Your mum needs nursing care. Do it ASAP as it could take a few weeks to sort. It's likely in the near future that she'll lose the ability to feed herself, drink etc, so she's needs 24 hour care as soon as possible.
Good luck.

Contact social services now.

Who is managing her dementia - is there a health care team involved? Just tell them what you have told us.

I too am a carer (for my OH) and I know so well that there comes a point when things just get on top of you.

Lots of good advice above.

I'm a social worker.

Don't ring the person you already have a number for, ring the council again tomorrow and ask for the duty social worker. Be the squeaky wheel until you get someone in front of you and your mum doing an assessment.

It's the right decision, it's not worth sacrificing your long term mental health for the sake of a few extra confused weeks at home for your mum.

louisarh I'm glad to hear you made contact. Please don't just wait for your Mum's social worker to call you back.

Try calling again as early in the morning as possible. If her allocated worker is not around, ask to speak to the duty worker and tell them it's urgent.

Describe the recent changes in your Mum. Tell them she is distressed. Tell them you are locking her in her home (I hope I have understood that correctly) to stop her going out because you are worried about her getting lost or hurt if she does. Tell them you cannot continue looking after her at the moment and the support she has in place is not enough.

Now might not be the time (for you or your Mum) to start making big decisions about what happens next. But something needs to change. A bit of breathing space will help your Mum get the additional support she needs at the moment and will let you get some rest.

There are also respite places available for a set amount of time but she is possibly past that stage now and needing permanent

"I left a voicemail message at 4pm but no reply.
I'm assuming she's gone for the day."

Hey, that's a bit unfair. She's probably gone out to do a home visit and will still be writing it up at her own home until 9pm+ then back in the office by 7.30 am to work on her other 30 urgent cases for another 12 hours plus, if my experience of being an older people's SW is anything to go on.
If you have an allocated worker already that will help as waiting lists can be dire depending where you are.
Mum will need a reassessment of needs, mental capacity assessment/best interests discussion (you would be included) and probably a Continuing Health Care checklist. The first three are a statutory requirement; it is against the law to move someone unless capacity has been considered and LA managers will probably want the last one so please try to bear with it. Workers know when things need prioritising if they know their salt.
Meanwhile you should get some advice how to cope.
I have to say in my experience [including my personal life] GPs know very little about social care and want everyone in a home asap and social care to do as they are told by doctors, the law and people's rights be damned.

Hi louisarh,

Hope you’re OK.

I am currently a live-in carer, to a client with Alzheimer’s. It is hard work at times; challenging yet rewarding and fulfilling and there are many of us who do this job and enjoy most parts of it. A live-in carer ticks many boxes for some- trained, experienced staff to care for a person in the comfort and familiarity of their own home etc and can be a cheaper option than a home (although not cheap).

Also, it is easier for us carers doing this job, when it is not our own family members. Many family members I know can’t face their relatives when they have Alzheimer’s. At first I struggled with this, but now I get it. My job is to enable the client to stay at home, put the relatives’ minds at rest, and facilitate fun visits between the family and client, where they don’t have to worry.

Going into a home also works for some: good support team 24/7, the social side, and some relatives find it easier visiting the family member in a more neutral setting than home.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me or PM me.

You sound like a great daughter, and that you need to step back and let others help now. Also, there is financial help for both options. x

If it helps, we put my mil in a home when she was at the same stage as your mum. After the initial upset, it turned into a really good thing. It's a huge relief to know she's safe, fed and looked after. Now all the time we spend with her is quality time.

This is the kind of thing which GPs get involved in all the time. If you have a good GP give them a call tomorrow- tell them what is happening and that you need urgent respite and you can't cope any more. If things are urgent (in some areas) your mum can be admitted temporarily to a nursing home bed while the very slow wheels are put in motion to find her a state funded nursing home bed.

Do not blame yourself for this please OP. You have done your absolute best. Dementia is a horrible illness and people feel so powerless as they watch while it destroys the personality and identity of the person they love. There is support out there so keep asking until you find the right person who can help you.

My dearly loved mum got so bad that we could not look after her properly, we did our best, but we just were so close emotionally and also did not have the training either. It was tough.

She is in a great nursing home now and the difference in all of us is amazing including Mum.

Our family has now realised that the way some people react to placing loved ones in care homes is awful, and they are the very ones who have never had to deal with it but can judge ad infinitum.

Best of luck OP.

Entropynow I really don’t think the OP needs a lecture on what the social worker may or may not be doing FGS!!

Re: how to do it, I phoned Age UK (?) about one of my parents who needed nursing care and they gave great advice about options, process, who to speak to, funding and all that. They were fab and I'd really recommend them.

We felt terrible about "dumping" parent but they were way happier, safer and more comfortable and it took a huge burden off the other one. In retrospect it was the best thing to do but it didn't feel like it then. It sounds like you're at the same point now where it's not fair on anyone to go on. good luck

My FIL went to respite and never came home. Nobody felt bad, it was well past the time he should have gone. My MIL was on her knees.

FIL I think barely noticed he wasn't at home. We found if we left without saying Good-bye, as if we were just popping out to the loo, he was quite alright.

@Pink Ocelot - maybe not, so apologies if that bothered her or you, but she does need to understand that, bad as things are, things won't happen overnight because they can't and it is not because people are lazy or don't care.
Talk to the social care professionals, be honest, stress any risks to mum; but be prepared, that's all. A thing done properly takes time and, honestly, better done properly than in a rush and not, for everyone's sake.

What is this thing about "putting" people in a care home?

Do people who say this have much experience of caring for those who actually need it?

If the supports were there fine. But they are not. And we are all only human.

The carers suffer too. I know this. Never again. And I mean that.

My mum has dementia & Alzheimer’s My dad is her carer

He was initially thinking of putting my mum in a care home full time but I got the dementia navigator to help us along with a social worker who arranged for a weeks respite immediately and he now gets 3 days a week for my mum in a day center to give my dad a break
My dad also take my mum a few times a month to different memory cafes where they can meet other in the same position
This took about 4 weeks to sort out from my first initial phone call to the dementia navigator

My mum doesn’t have to pay for anything either as it’s based on her income and not family income
Generally though sad as it seems for your mum and you it’s the best place for her
You can visit take her out and start enjoying your time with her

Hope todays phone call goes ok. Youve been amazing but having read everything youve written op its safer and better for your mum in a nursing home. Ive visited loads in my time and if you choose the right one it will really help your mum.

She called me and said she will visit on 26th nov at 10am
Is it normal to take so long?
That's two weeks.
Luckily mum is much calmer today and has been singing and ate her breakfast

It’s good you’ve had some contact. It is kind of normal for it to take that long (or longer) for a standard visit. It sounds like your situation is more serious than that though...did you tell the SW about the police having to break down the door/your mums wandering/you being at your wits end? As really 2 weeks in your situation is a long time, and there are duty social workers who can do emergency visits: obviously you and your mum wouldn’t have met them before though.

^She called me and said she will visit on 26th nov at 10am
Is it normal to take so long?^

sounds about right if there's no emergency
if you feel that she is unsafe now, tonight, then you need to ring back and say that - it may be a different team that comes in

I'm going to take mum to mine to sleep in the mean time.
At least il know where she is.

Ahh OP

Been through this all with my Gramps! He lived with us for ten years and it got to a really dangerous point where he was creeping out in the middle of the night and being brought back by the police after some kind soul on the street noticed him (he had our address in his wallet ‘just in case’ and thank goodness he did)

After a lot of tears and soul-searching, we agreed as a family that 24hr residential care was the safest option for him, but he came home with us for dinner every night and then went back there to sleep.

It’s the most heartbreaking decision to have to make, and you will feel guilty as hell but please, please remind yourself that none of that guilt is as bad as it would be if your DM was hit by a car on a nighttime wander.

It’s not prison, you can still visit, bring her home for tea, take her out somewhere nice. It really does sound like it’s the best, safest solution for everyone involved.

You’ve achieved a wonderful thing, keeping her alive and at home to the age of 98 (!) and now it’s time for the next step.

As for funding, if she has no savings and only a state pension, she will not be self-funding. Her SW will go through all this with you at your appointment. If, however, you feel your DM will not be safe until the appointment then please do say so to SS as there may be an option for emergency respite care.

Best of luck, come back to us whenever you need to. PM if you need any practical/emotional advice. More for you.

Yep if she's wandering she needs more care. I found a lady wandering in the street looking very confused. Luckily I knew where she lived, few doors down, took her home, made her a cup of tea and not being able to contact the daughter who lived with her but was out, I called the police who came out and also got hold of the daughter.

The police called later to let me know it was all sorted and because I'd called the police they were able to speed up the SS assessment for residential care which the daughter had been trying to sort but kept hitting roadblocks.