To be shocked by the hypocrisy on mumsnet

[Peaceisbliss]

I'm sorry if this is going to come across as a rant but I'm genuinely shocked by the hypocrisy on here
Yesterday I joined mumsnet and started a thread about a damaged friendship. I received replies many supportive, some very unkind.
That's fine. My point is many posters profess such deep concern of how to protect their children from the unkind aspects of the internet and yet as adults make very harsh unkind comments themselves.

Surely the fact you recognise it as being unkind and monitor your child's internet access to avoid such hurt speaks volumes.
If you wouldn't want it done to those you care about then why do it to random strangers?

Could people try and explain such a hypocritical mindset.

Plenty of posters are able to disagree in a considerate way and offer well thought out, opposing opinions. Unfortunately there are a lot of others who are very aggressive.

I disagree that some people are just being honest. I posted saying that I was struggling with my housework, someone told me that I should be ashamed to live in a pigsty and one person said I shouldn't have had children as I obviously couldn't cope. These are hardly constructive, empowering words for a mum with PND.

Address posts you deem unacceptable on the actual thread or report them if you think they fall outwith the guidelines. It's a more sensible course of action than starting threads like this to whine about meanness which only attract mealy mouthed agreement or snide comments about how inadequate the lives of the alleged mean people are.

Surely that's a good thing? Rounded opinion?

It seems to be everywhere now, complaints of mean responses if people don't agree. I've seen it in fb groups, people's comments being removed if they don't shower the poster with compliments. Try and bring environmental concerns up in a certain well known Army after they've posted the twenty products they've bought that day, "you're sooooo mean, I'm reporting you".

As adults we are allowed to debate and disagree, children will learn these skills as they grow up but don't usually have the same capacity to understand. And mean people live amongst us, they are everywhere not just on the Internet.

I think I've gone off on a tangent, I can't actually remember what the post was, it's a brain fog kind of day

People find it easier to be unpleasant and unkind when the interaction is not face to face. I've just been reading on the 'neighbour stole my bin' thread, where some people are advising the OP to empty the bin on their garden - why assume this is a deliberate theft, when it is probably a simple, and easily rectified, mistake? I wonder if these posters are actually that aggressive and confrontational in real life?

Some people would say things in rl, depending on the circumstances. If you're being a snowflake for instance. Were you being a snowflake? (Which thread?)

A big difference between keeping children safe and you is that you're a grown up. You have chosen to post here; MN has a reputation of being robust.

BTW, threads about threads are frowned on here and generally get deleted. Not sure if this is a TAAT though.

The forum is left to run with as little HQ involvement as possible. Some people are angry or in need of therapy and use this forum as a sounding block. I’ve written a lot about my situation and it has been very cathartic for me.

I don’t consider it hypocrisy. This is not a defacto “safe” place. But make no bones there are highly educated, intelligent and knowledgeable posters on here and you are likely to get a good range of very helpful answers.

It’s hardly hypocritical. On a fundamental level children and adults are very different

I think it’s quite telling how many threads are started with ‘please don’t flame me’ , or the OPs first reply is ‘suprised as thought I was going to get flamed’

Yes its the internet bla bla, but I’ve been on plenty of other forums and don’t think I’ve ever seen a thread where the OP anticipates abuse before posting.

TBH the only reason I mainly use this one is because it’s an eaiser site to navigate than most.

And there’s a difference between disagreeing with someone, and being a knob.

Emma the bin was numbered on the lid and side. Unless whoever took it had temporary blindness whilst wheeling it away and filling it, I can't see how it was accidental.

POP - in my limited experience though the threads that start please don't flame me are usually ones where the OP is being reasonable. its the "I'm right and he/she is wrong" ones where people get a bit of robust comment. Or where someone says something like " please help me resolve this - dd/dh/ds says this and I think they are nasty" where if you dare to agree with the dd/dh/ds or whoever you are called out as being mean.

Is it that time of the year again?

I'll worry when MN becomes a huni site.

To the OP, only individual posters can be hypocrits, not MN.

many posters profess such deep concern of how to protect their children from the unkind aspects of the internet and yet as adults make very harsh unkind comments themselves.

I assume you've checked individual pps opinions?

BTW, my DS is well aware of haters on the internet and I doubt he'd need to start a thread about unkind strangers on the internet.

Anyway... Welcome to MN, OP, home of the vipers.

It's AIBU in particular. Some people see it as an excuse to pile on and take their own frustrations out on posters. And like pps have said, some people are dicks online and use the anonyminity here to their advantage when they would never be like that in person.

Personally I make a point of being the same online as I am in person. If I wouldn't say something to someone's face, I don't say it at all. If I say cunt on here you can bet I'm saying it in real life too (I'm a lifelong fan of The Vagina Monologues, so I support it's use).

But I will say this about this place, for the most part it's genuine. There are the pearl clutches, perfect parents and judgey pants posters, but the majority are well intentioned. I find this place good for a reality check and getting a grip, but you have to be able to take it and not see everything as a criticism or personal attack. If you want somewhere softer there are other parenting forums out there. This is the no bullshit one.

we wonder why our children seem more and more hostile and aggressive to each other in society

Do we? Are they?

There are some absolute asshats that use this forum as well as lots of nice people.

Just laugh them off

You say you have only just joined - my first post in AIBU years ago received a very hostile response and I was really stung how spiteful some posters on that one thread were. It was just based who was online that day as since then I've had so much support, lots of laughs and have learnt a lot about myself - its also given me the information and tools to start planning to leave my abusive partner. Its opened my eyes to possibilities, to how other people think, made me look at myself again.

All life is here OP, including the horrible bits.

I am sweary person.
Similarly, what I say on Mumsnet I would say in real life.
I have my own opinions and don't join in witch hunts but when I say I don't like something it's because I don't like not because others do or don't.

Yes lweji I believe many are. Knife crime is out of hand and bullying in schools appears to be getting worse. Kids goad each other on the internet often leading to tragic suicide. If we as adults cannot set a decent example then how do children see what is or is not acceptable.

AIBU is where you'll always and most certainly get mean responses. Try other boards on this site, if you click A-Z topics there are loads, not as busy as AIBU but not as awful either.

@jackfruitburger I disagree that some people are just being honest. I posted saying that I was struggling with my housework, someone told me that I should be ashamed to live in a pigsty and one person said I shouldn't have had children as I obviously couldn't cope. These are hardly constructive, empowering words for a mum with PND.

That's horrible, I'm so sorry. Some people draw conclusions from the smallest amount of information, say the most vicious things and really don't think about what impact their words might have - and even more irritating, don't give advice about the topic you're actually asking about! Hope you're more sorted now and doing ok xx

I always think the word mean sounds as though it's used by children rather than adults too.
There are some hostile and aggressive responses - challenge or report them then. What's stopping you? There are plenty of supportive comments and genuine empathy as well. But no - we just get repeated threads about how horrible people are, like bloody groundhog day. It's tiresome.

Address posts you deem unacceptable on the actual thread or report them if you think they fall outwith the guidelines. It's a more sensible course of action than starting threads like this to whine about meanness which only attract mealy mouthed agreement or snide comments about how inadequate the lives of the alleged mean people are

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Yes there is bullying on here. I've learned to shake it off and look for the many wonderful and genuine posters and posts, but I don't think it's acceptable. It's almost a badge of honour here ('Let me offer you some very unmumsnetty hugs' - like being nice, kind, soft, gentle, emotional etc is something shameful and not in keeping with the tone of the site).

It is the anonymity that does it.

My rule of thumb is "Would I say this to the person face to face and in the hearing of someone who knows me?" I can't guarantee that I have always followed that rule and not sometimes, in the heat of the moment, posted something rash. However, I try to stick to that mostly.

I really don't think this is an issue exclusive to mumsnet / AIBU though. I have been on plenty of other forums where people can behave dreadfully.