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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave 7 week old alone in bedroomwith a baby monitor?

409 replies

HollyGoLoudly1 · 07/11/2018 19:23

Wise mumsnetters, please advise - SIDS advice says if baby is sleeping that they should be in the same room as you until 6 months. I want to start a bedtime routine with baby going down in the bedroom at 8pm. Is this ok if I am listening in using a monitor? Or do they literally have to be in the same room (i.e. living room) until I go to bed?

OP posts:
FairyHeet · 08/11/2018 21:29

This reply has been deleted

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FairyHeet · 08/11/2018 21:34

Genuinely intrigued, doesn't your mother instincts want your newborn near you.

My DN has a seven week old. She has him with her at night as well as day.

Same here with my two and whilst I get different strokes for different folks I am astonished at even the notion of putting such a tiny baby in their own room to get them into a " routine ".

Childcare professional here btw.

3WildOnes · 08/11/2018 21:38

FairyHeet , I felt perfectly content having my babies sleep in another room for a few hours in the evening.

Also a childcare professional btw.

FairyHeet · 08/11/2018 21:39

Of course children need a routine but at seven weeks they are still so tiny and adjusting to being outside the womb; they need to be near their Mother and near her familiar smell/ sound etc

Celebelly · 08/11/2018 21:40

If you'd read the opening post properly, it's about putting the baby to sleep in the parents' bedroom for an hour or two before the OP then goes to bed herself, in the same room. The baby is not 'in their own room' –they're in their parents bedroom, just on their own for an hour or two before bed. The OP is not suggesting a seven-week-old baby sleep for eight hours in a separate room overnight.

Whatever your thoughts on what the OP is suggesting, not reading the thread properly or reacting indignantly to something she isn't doing isn't helpful.

3WildOnes · 08/11/2018 21:43

My babies were near me when they were awake but they were content to be asleep in a different room for a small proportion of their sleeping time.

FairyHeet · 08/11/2018 21:43

3WildOnes

But what's the damn rush???

They are still so little.

Guess it's all down to maternal instinct here and what one feels is right for them and their child.

To me, putting a seven week old to bed in their own room seems cruel and I certainly could have never done it.

Knowing my newborn was near to me and the reassurance that they were breathing etc, meant that there was absolutely no fucking way they were going into their own room at seven weeks.

Oakenbeach · 08/11/2018 21:43

Some crazy stuff here about not being able to comprehend how a mother with any maternal instincts could possibly leave a baby alone in a room to sleep...

My children are now 11 and 8.... Even though that’s only a short few years ago people routinely left their babies to sleep in a room without a second thought - with a baby monitor usually.... If anyone had said you were lacking maternal instincts for doing so, people would have looked you askance in incomprehension.... and this would have been in the early part of this decade for the youngest, not the 1950s! Amazing how quickly things can change!

Oakenbeach · 08/11/2018 21:48

FairyHeet

I get the SIDS risk and would very likely behave differently if I had newborns today, but to say it’s ‘cruel’ to let a baby sleep in a room away from you, when you’d be literally a few seconds away if they cried is bizarre!

Oakenbeach · 08/11/2018 21:51

Knowing my newborn was near to me and the reassurance that they were breathing etc,. Leaving aside the periods when you’d be asleep, how would you know they were breathing at every moment.... did you literally hover over them all day?

mrs2468 · 08/11/2018 21:51

@hairyfeet you still haven’t read the post. Op isn’t putting LO in their own room but her room a few hours before she goes to bed.

3WildOnes · 08/11/2018 21:55

Because they were more content in a routine. Because it meant I got to spend some uninterrupted time with my other children. Because it meant that I got to spend some alone time with my husband. Because it meant that I was able to have some alone time which enabled me to recharge a be a much better mother when my children were awake. Because I saw no reason not to.

There is nothing cruel about a baby sleeping in a different room.
I’m very maternal just not so anxious that I needed to be next to my babies 24/7

Oakenbeach · 08/11/2018 21:58

mrs2468

It’s clear she’s against any separation, night or day... for however short a time. I understand that given current SIDS guidelines, but her inability to comprehend how someone could think differently and not be cruel and lacking in any maternal feeling is strange.

3WildOnes · 08/11/2018 21:58

Oakenbeach I have many friends with young babies and I think all of them occasionally leave their babies sleeping alone in another room. I don’t think things have changed that much.

L4kbe · 08/11/2018 22:03

Each child is different but I would say once you understand your baby and their different cries it’s ok to try a routine. I would cluster feed 4 , 6 then bath/ wash mine at 8 and from that point stay upstairs, put in crib in my room and leave to sleep with monitor, regular checks , bed 11 with a dream feed and dd1 slept till 6 from 6 weeks old and dd2 from 10 weeks. Each to their own as you need to do what suits you , your baby and family set up

Abra1de · 08/11/2018 22:16

I can’t believe that people are saying that those who leave a baby in a room to sleep for period before they go up to bed for the night themselves are lacking in maternal feeling.

Abra1de · 08/11/2018 22:17

Whether you are right or not that is horrible.

This is supposed to be a site for helping other mothers.

crazycatlady5 · 08/11/2018 22:50

At 7 weeks to me a baby is barely out of the womb. All the fourth trimester business - they barely know they’re alive. I didn’t want to leave mine alone at this stage I felt it was unnatural. That is my opinion and feeling - I’m not accusing anyone of anything! ducks and runs for cover

HollyGoLoudly1 · 08/11/2018 23:12

@FairyHeet

I'm very glad that I'm not an anxious, insecure or sleep deprived FTM, or suffering from PND, because I'm pretty sure your insensitive and hurtful comments would have had an impact. The fact that you have obviously not RTFT (or even the first post correctly!) makes your comments even worse. Shame on you. It's posts like yours that makes people afraid to ask for help and advice on MN.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 08/11/2018 23:32

My daughter loves her night time sleep. Always has. She never slept in her Moses basket - only on me (for naps) and the bedside crib (at night). She liked (and still likes) it quiet and dark. When I tried to get her to sleep downstairs past 6.30pm she would get overtired and sob her little heart out. Are you really saying that would have been better for her than letting her sleep alone in our room for a couple of hours in the evening while we had dinner? Or should I have continued going to bed at the same time as her for six full months?

@FranticallyPeaceful Funnily enough some people are lighter sleepers than others, and some babies are quieter sleepers than others. I know you've said that compassion is beyond you, but that's just simple logic.

Noqont · 08/11/2018 23:37

Guess it's all down to maternal instinct here and what one feels is right for them and their child.

Oh behave yourself. It doesn't make someone a better parent to be glued to their child and constantly watching them 24/7 you know.

AhoyDelBoy · 08/11/2018 23:44

A 7 week old in a bedtime routine. Oh dear.

mathanxiety · 09/11/2018 00:06

MrMakersFartyParty, you might be interested in this article, though you are probably familiar with the gist of it.

www.npr.org/2011/07/15/137859024/rethinking-sids-many-deaths-no-longer-a-mystery
...the mystery surrounding SIDS is not what it once was. Many SIDS deaths are now believed to be accidents caused by unsafe sleep practices. And some are questioning whether the term SIDS remains relevant at all.

SIDS: A 'Diagnosis Of Exclusion'

In Wayne County, Mich., 50 to 60 infants die suddenly and unexpectedly each year, most of them in Detroit.

For the past 11 years, the task of investigating those cases has fallen to Pat Tackitt, a pediatric mortality investigator for the Wayne County Medical Examiner's Office.

When an infant dies, law enforcement will contact her. She'll head out immediately to the family's home, spending anywhere from one to five hours talking with the family, using a doll to help parents re-enact what happened.

She'll hand the doll to the parents and ask them to show her where they placed the baby down, when they last saw the baby alive, and how they found him or her. She'll also find out who and what was around.

In all, Tackitt has gone to the scene of more than 500 infant deaths — so many, she stopped counting.

In almost all of the cases, Tackitt says, she found that the baby was in an unsafe sleep environment. The baby may have been sleeping face down, may have been covered by a blanket or pillow, or may have gotten lodged between sofa cushions. In some cases, the baby was sleeping with a parent who rolled on top of the infant in the night.

Tackitt says these are all signs of accidental suffocation, not SIDS.

"There are some deaths that we cannot prevent. These are not those deaths," she says. "The vast majority of these are preventable deaths. There's been very, very few that we've seen that could not be prevented."

SIDS is defined as the sudden death of an infant under 1 year of age, which remains unexplained after a thorough case investigation, including performance of a complete autopsy, examination of the death scene, and review of the clinical history.

It's often called a "diagnosis of exclusion," meaning it's the diagnosis that's given when everything else has been ruled out. But, Tackitt says, often the term SIDS comes up prematurely.

"We find that in many cases, families have been told from the time the ambulance drove up to the time that the clergy saw them in the emergency room ... that this is going to be a SIDS death," Tackitt says. "All that means is, 'We don't know.' Why would we start out saying 'we don't know,' when we haven't even looked yet?"

Some would argue that a SIDS diagnosis offers compassion in a moment of distress, and a way to avoid blaming parents amid the tragedy.

Wayne County Chief Medical Examiner Carl Schmidt disagrees.

"I think that's cruel," Schmidt says. "I think actually sitting down with a parent and telling them what happened is much more humane than trying to obscure the reasons why that infant actually died. Most people really want to know what happened, so they won't do it again."

In Wayne County, it's been four years since they last signed out a death as SIDS. And that's true elsewhere, too.

....................

American Academy Of Pediatrics Guidelines.
(Yes I know it's American advice).

Safe Sleep Practices

Always place babies to sleep on their backs during naps and at nighttime. Because babies sleeping on their sides are more likely to accidentally roll onto their stomachs, the side position is not as safe as the back and is not recommended.
Don't cover the heads of babies with a blanket or overbundle them in clothing and blankets.
Avoid letting the baby get too hot. The baby could be too hot if you notice sweating, damp hair, flushed cheeks, heat rash and rapid breathing. Dress the baby lightly for sleep. Set the room temperature in a range that is comfortable for a lightly clothed adult.

Safe Sleep Environment

Place your baby in a safety-approved crib with a firm mattress and a well-fitting sheet (cradles and bassinets may be used, but choose those that are JPMA [Juvenile Products Manufacturers Association] certified for safety).
Place the crib in an area that is always smoke-free.
Don't place babies to sleep on adult beds, chairs, sofas, waterbeds or cushions.
Toys and other soft bedding, including fluffy blankets, comforters, pillows, stuffed animals and wedges should not be placed in the crib with the baby. These items can impair the infant's ability to breathe if they cover his face.
Breast-feed your baby. Experts recommend that mothers feed their children human milk at least through the first year of life.
The safest place for your baby to sleep is in the room where you sleep. Place the baby's crib or bassinet near your bed (within an arm's reach). This makes it easier to breast-feed and to bond with your baby.

Source: American Academy of Pediatrics

MrsA2015 · 09/11/2018 00:09

FFS what’s with the bedtime routine obsession. 7 weeks old should be with you in the room for the exact reason you stated in your OP!

grumpy4squash · 09/11/2018 00:15

If the baby isn't your 1st, then you (well, I) end up putting them down to sleep, then sorting out the toddler(s). So it's ages before you're in the same room again.
The breathing thing is rubbish. Babies breath perfectly well by themselves and much faster than adults breath.

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