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Original poster

To give DH an ultimatum?

56 replies

noddingnoodle · 07/11/2018 13:20

DH has changed. For the past 6-8 months I have tried my best to push to one side that he is miserable with his life. I've done everything to try and make things better for him but i'm very slowly coming to the realisation that nothing is changing.

His zest for life has gone, he doesn't want to do anything at the weekends, doesn't talk about the future. Interactions with myself and the dc are limited. When asked about it, he doesn't want to talk about it but will occasionally blame myself (and the dc!) for not appreciating him, not appreciating how hard he works, for not caring about him, etc.

This could not be further from the truth. I have done everything I can to make him happy. We adore him and appreciate him but he doesn't believe anything and I'm coming to the end now. I don't think I have any more to give, I have loved him as much as I can but don't see anything returned.

I want to tell DH once and for all that this needs to stop or he needs to leave. It is heartbreaking, but he needs to make a decision about what he wants, once and for all.

However, I want to give him one last 'speech' to let him know how much we appreciate him. Not to beg him to stay, but after 12 years, I want him to know what a mistake he is making. I want to word the ultimatum in the firmest but kindest way possible, as he has in the past tried to make out that I am 'threatening' him to make a decision.

Please help. This is my last chance to save our family Sad

OP posts:
BaldricksTrousers · 07/11/2018 13:24

Has he gone to the GP about possible depression?

Original poster
noddingnoodle · 07/11/2018 13:26

No, he said he isn't depressed. The problem is me apparently, even though when pushed on the matter, he can't point out anything specifically.

OP posts:
BaldricksTrousers · 07/11/2018 13:29

He might not believe that he's depressed but it would still be worth checking out. When I'm depressed I lose interest in family life, check out, and commit self-destructive behaviours I wouldn't normally.

Of course everyone is different but it is possible to have depression without realising. There are so many symptoms and people tend to think it's always the same for everyone.

Original poster
noddingnoodle · 07/11/2018 13:34

I had thought many times that he could be depressed but he insists he isn't. If it turns out he is depressed does that make me a terrible wife if i'm thinking about giving up on him? Sad

OP posts:
Cath2907 · 07/11/2018 13:35

I had this. My husband certainly is depressed and has anxiety but wouldn't get proper help from the GP. He claims they won't give him more pills. The previous pills he had made him fat and dopey and killed his sex drive (not an issue for me but a deal breaker for him). He got more and more distant and more and more dissatisfied and horrid to be around. He just seemed to hate living with us, to not want to do anything with me or the kid. After almost 2 years of this getting slowly more and more desperate and me trying to convince him to change I finally asked him to leave. That was 4 weeks ago and whilst it is difficult and DD is still finding it hard I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted. I can finally see a future that doesn't involve living with an enormous black joy sucking cloud. Sadly my STBXH is still not connecting with reality and getting the help he needs but I can no longer look after him if he won't look after himself.

SandyY2K · 07/11/2018 13:37

Saying you appreciate someone is not the same as showing them appreciation.

I'm not saying you don't show it...but he's either not feeling appreciated or there's something else going on with him.

Are the two of you close? Showing affection and have a good physical relationship? You don't need to answer...just worth thinking about.

In the meanwhile I'd do things with the DC yourself and make the most of it.

I'm not a fan of ultimatums unless you make good on them.
Is just rather give my best and if I've done that with no change ...then I'll make a decision.

Cath2907 · 07/11/2018 13:37

No - if he is depressed and won't get help you are not a bad person for saying you can't live with him.

Poppyfr33 · 07/11/2018 13:40

Some people won’t admit they are feeling low, as they feel there is a stigma attached to depression. All you can do is try and keep conversation going.

Original poster
noddingnoodle · 07/11/2018 13:40

How do I show appreciation?

I try and make the best of things, always remaining positive. Everything is done for him, he doesn't do anything around the house and I do 95% of childcare too. We tell him how much we love him, etc....I don't know how else to show our appreciation for him....

OP posts:
tiggerkid · 07/11/2018 13:41

Agree with those, who say he may be depressed even if he doesn't believe he is. It could also be a general midlife crisis?

I want to tell DH once and for all that this needs to stop or he needs to leave.

If nothing else is bothering you, this seems a bit excessive after 6-8 months! And what do you mean when you say "not to beg him to stay"? From what I understood in your post, he isn't the one, who says he wants to live?

tiggerkid · 07/11/2018 13:41

sorry meant "leave"

bubbles108 · 07/11/2018 13:41

How does he want you to show that you appreciate him? What does he want you to do and say to show that you appreciate him?

If you ask him for 5 things that you can do differently which will help him to feel better - and he can't give you 5 things to do differently -- why don't you then ask him how the marriage can continue ?

Maybe he wants out but doesn't know how to ask for it?

tiggerkid · 07/11/2018 13:42

I don't know how else to show our appreciation for him

Did you ever ask him what he meant when he said he doesn't feel appreciated?

Merryoldgoat · 07/11/2018 13:43

Hmmmmm.

Sounds like another woman to me. Is that possible?

Original poster
noddingnoodle · 07/11/2018 13:44

It's difficult to keep the conversation going when he is isolating himself from us. He doesn't want to share what goes on in his life with me. He's just so flat. He used to be funny, affectionate, talking about the future, places we were going to go, etc. Now it's all gone and I can't even look from one month to the next because i'm not sure he's going to be here.

OP posts:
tiggerkid · 07/11/2018 13:44

How does he want you to show that you appreciate him? What does he want you to do and say to show that you appreciate him?

Exactly my question: it's a bit difficult to resolve the issue when one person says he doesn't feel appreciated and another person may be doing whatever she assumes appreciation means while it may not be anything that is anywhere near what the first person means at all.

dontalltalkatonce · 07/11/2018 13:45

His behaviour is not on. He's an adult. You cannot just 'get him to a GP'. YOU are not the problem, his blaming you is manipulative. You are not a bad person for telling him enough is enough, but if you do, then go through with it. You don't need to show him any more appreciation, you already do. I'm guessing he might be having an affair.

tiggerkid · 07/11/2018 13:45

It's difficult to keep the conversation going when he is isolating himself from us.

So when he says he doesn't feel appreciated and you ask him what exactly he means, he just stops talking?

Original poster
noddingnoodle · 07/11/2018 13:47

tiggerkid It's not excessive at all. You have no idea how painful it is to have somebody who has adored you for 12 years, just one day seemingly wake up and change their mind. He has talked about leaving a few times over this period. All he says is that he is unhappy but he isn#t doing anything to fix it.

OP posts:
Original poster
noddingnoodle · 07/11/2018 13:53

tiggerkid yes. He won't explain anything. He just sits in his chair saying he's unhappy. Won't say why, how I can help him, what he could do to help himself, nothing. He won't talk about anything.

OP posts:
sadiesnakes · 07/11/2018 13:54

Keep an eye out for another woman op, if not depressed it sounds like he's following the script.

dontalltalkatonce · 07/11/2018 13:55

I think there's someone else and he's detaching and disengaging. He's also rewriting history, hence the 'you just don't appreciate me' comment. There's little you can do when an adult behaves in this way. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

SilverySurfer · 07/11/2018 14:01

Frankly I think you've put up with his behaviour for long enough, doing everything you can think of to make the situation better.

I would be telling him to shape up or ship out. If he's depressed that means going to the GP and getting appropriate medication. If it's for any other reason then he has to sort it out himself and I would tell him to move out for a set time to facilitate that.

I wish you the very best OP.

Merryoldgoat · 07/11/2018 14:02

He’s pushing you to finish it so he can bugger off ‘guilt free’. He’ll pretend he met OW after you split.

You’ve got two choices:

  1. End it now, accept he’ll get away with it but ultimately you’ll be happy because he’s gone.
  1. Do some detective work to ascertain if he’s seeing someone else and when you find your proof (I’d bet my savings on him being a cheat) you can divorce him and it will be entirely his fault - no doubts about you being unappreciative or such bollocks.
Thehop · 07/11/2018 14:03

I suspect another woman, I’m sorry.

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