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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give DH an ultimatum?

56 replies

noddingnoodle · 07/11/2018 13:20

DH has changed. For the past 6-8 months I have tried my best to push to one side that he is miserable with his life. I've done everything to try and make things better for him but i'm very slowly coming to the realisation that nothing is changing.

His zest for life has gone, he doesn't want to do anything at the weekends, doesn't talk about the future. Interactions with myself and the dc are limited. When asked about it, he doesn't want to talk about it but will occasionally blame myself (and the dc!) for not appreciating him, not appreciating how hard he works, for not caring about him, etc.

This could not be further from the truth. I have done everything I can to make him happy. We adore him and appreciate him but he doesn't believe anything and I'm coming to the end now. I don't think I have any more to give, I have loved him as much as I can but don't see anything returned.

I want to tell DH once and for all that this needs to stop or he needs to leave. It is heartbreaking, but he needs to make a decision about what he wants, once and for all.

However, I want to give him one last 'speech' to let him know how much we appreciate him. Not to beg him to stay, but after 12 years, I want him to know what a mistake he is making. I want to word the ultimatum in the firmest but kindest way possible, as he has in the past tried to make out that I am 'threatening' him to make a decision.

Please help. This is my last chance to save our family

OP posts:

Pissedoffdotcom · 07/11/2018 14:04

My DP is depressed. Signed off work with depression & anxiety. It is bloody hard to support somebody who is actively seeking help for their issues...trying to support somebody who shuts down is even harder. When somebody is irritable, moody, shuts down any element of conversation & generally makes it so that nothing you do is right or good enough, you have to draw a line. At some point you & your DC will start to dip too.

Tbh i wouldn't be pussyfooting around wanting to express again how much you appreciate him. He needs a wake up call. DP left a year ago when he stopped taking his meds & engaging with his support...as much as it broke my heart the utter relief coming home every day without that dark cloud hanging over was incredible.

DP is back now, having been firmly warned that if he shuts me out again i'm done. I am 100% supportive of his issues, i do what i can...but you cannot support a closed book. Give him an ultimatum very clearly; he either opens up & starts engaging with you guys - and external support if needbe - or he leaves, before he drags you down with him.

Juells · 07/11/2018 14:06

A stint in a flat on his own might sort out his priorities. As a poster said on another thread today, why does everyone always say "depression"? Some people are selfish shits. I put up with that kind of malarkey for years, trying to be nice and understanding and putting it down to depression. Turned out it was down to OW.

redastherose · 07/11/2018 14:10

Yep my vote is for someone else being around making him feel special too! He is following the script. He doesn't want to be the bad guy so will push you to kick him out and in the meantime has you bending over backwards and letting him get away with murder.

You should tell him to leave and give him a real consequence for his behaviour. If there isn't anyone else he needs to go see the GP about Depression, if there is then he needs to know you aren't going to sit around waiting for him to make his mind up!

Aquamarine1029 · 07/11/2018 14:10

I bet there's another woman. All this "I'm not happy" bullshit is textbook script. You need to start digging and stop making his "problems" yours. He's gaslighting the hell out of you.

PasswordRejection · 07/11/2018 14:10

OW. He's trying to goad you into kicking him out so he can play the victim.

A dear friend of mine has been going through this and has just had it confirmed, after a few people raising suspicions, that there is an OW.

So sorry you're going through this OP.

WatchThisThread · 07/11/2018 14:10

I agree with Merryoldgoat and have been there myself. It was my first thought when I read your post.

exDH even admitted he'd done everything he could to destroy the marriage to make it easier to blame me and leave.

Changes in behaviour always have a reason. If it's not depression I agree that it's likely a OW. Sorry OP

Brazenhussy0 · 07/11/2018 14:15

I disagree with pp. I’m not sure there is an OW in this case... he sounds worn out, from the way you’ve described him, OP.

Do you both work?

skyesayshi · 07/11/2018 14:16

I agree that you need to ask him to leave. He has already checked out of the family, whether there is OW or not remains to be seen. It could be depression.

Tell him that he either seeks help for depression, or if he is not depressed then it is clear that he doesn't want to be there any more and therefore he needs to leave the family unit.

He can't keep blaming everything on you, yet not do anything to resolve matters, or move out.

mostdays · 07/11/2018 14:20

I want to tell DH once and for all that this needs to stop or he needs to leave.

YANBU. But what will you do when he refuses to leave?

Snomade · 07/11/2018 14:21

I suspect an OW. Sorry OP.
Unfortunately it seems very common to be gaslighted by the cheating partner, while they rewrite history in order to justify their bad behaviour.

CherryPavlova · 07/11/2018 14:22

Would he consider relationship counselling?
Have you listened rather than trying to solve the problem - it might be you’re trying to solve the wrong thing.
Do you get any time together without children? How would he react to you arranging a cinema trip, say?
What is he wanting to happen? Are there financial or other stressors?

tiggerkid · 07/11/2018 14:22

He has talked about leaving a few times over this period - this wasn't obvious from the original post.

I can guess it is hard when your husband just turns into a scarecrow in the corner without any explanation but the reason why I thought an ultimatum to leave was a bit excessive after 6-8 months is precisely because you've been together for 12 years rather than 12 months. Having said that because he already talked about leaving, which I didn't know before, and it may well be another woman, perhaps, your ultimatum is the way to go. Only you can tell.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 07/11/2018 14:22

It sounds like he is depressed. To be honest he sounds like me a few year's ago.
DH supported me and GP gave me pills which made me not care about anything or anyone and killed my sex drive.
Luckily my DH stuck with me.

Pissedoffdotcom · 07/11/2018 14:24

Sticking with somebody who attempts to get help is completely different to sticking with someone who buries their head in the sand

redexpat · 07/11/2018 14:25

These replies seem to be falling into 2 camps - depression vs ow. Im in the depression camp, but he needs to do something about it. So I think the ultimatum is go to the dr and be honest or leave. My dad was depressed for 8 years from when I was about 7 and it has had a lasting impact on me. He never sought treatment or even a diagnosis.

Youre saying that he wont talk about it, but it might be that he doesnt have the vocab to describe how he is feeling. It can be tough to describe sonething youve not experienced before. He might not realise how far down he is, he might not recognise it and be trying to convince himself that he is fine. Do you think you could maybe get him to do an internet questionnaire? I know its not a diagnosis but it might give him the words to describe how he experiences life right now.

skyesayshi · 07/11/2018 14:26

It does sound like the script to be honest, but trying to keep an open mind.

When a female friend was depressed , she did everything that she could to push her husband away from her. He finally managed to get her to see somebody and she was prescribed AD's.

But I did say to her at the time, is the depression causing the marriage problems or is the marriage causing the depression..........

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 07/11/2018 14:28

He won't explain anything. He just sits in his chair saying he's unhappy. Won't say why, how I can help him, what he could do to help himself, nothing. He won't talk about anything.

It's definitely time for an ultimatum. I'd sit him down and explain that things can't go on like this and give him a week to come up with a list of what's "wrong" with his life- and how both HE and you can help change it.

If, as PP's have suggested, he wants to goad you into ending things, don't let him. If he can't explain what's wrong, it's could be depression- so he's going to the doctor's, no arguments.

My DH once gave me an ultimatum (over a different type of behaviour) and it shocked me into making changes. He made me take responsibility, and it worked.

Good luck.

TheVeryThing · 07/11/2018 14:31

If he is depressed or unhappy the onus is on him to seek solutions. You are not responsible for his happiness. My dh suffers from depression and supporting him has affected my own mental health tbh. However, he is open and engages with treatment (medication and counselling).
If he didn't, then there is no way I could continue with the relationship.
He has never once tried to blame me for his issues and his love for me and our children has not changed.

Oliversmumsarmy · 07/11/2018 14:31

*I want to tell DH once and for all that this needs to stop or he needs to leave.

If nothing else is bothering you, this seems a bit excessive after 6-8 months*

I have lived for years with someone who had depression.

I would not put up with 6-8 days let alone 6-8months. It left such a lasting impression that I cannot be around people who are downers

Cath2907 · 07/11/2018 14:31

As posted earlier - sounds very much like my STBXH. He definitely doesn't have another woman and it really is depression he refuses to do anything about. To be honest I wish it was another woman. Watching someone gradually disappear before your eyes until there is only a pale imitation left is heartbreaking. At least if he had an OW I could be angry. My H left willingly enough as he hated living with me as much as I hated living with him. It hasn't made him happier to be alone though - less anxious perhaps but not happier. It made a huge difference to me though!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 07/11/2018 14:34

He has talked about leaving a few times over this period.

Just noticed this update.

Grrrr, this makes me angry on your behalf...so much easier to walk away and leave you with the family responsibilities than face whatever's bothering him.

Depressed or not, his children won't forget it if he does. You might want to point that out if he says it again.

Storm4star · 07/11/2018 14:46

OW is common in these scenarios but not always the case. A few years back I was with someone for 4 years and in the last year or so he just used to sit staring at the wall all evening! It drove me mad. I wished he had another woman! I wanted someone to take him off my hands. (I was too gutless for a long time to end it my self). But it was depression.
However this...
I want him to know what a mistake he is making
is an exercise in futility I'm afraid. He isn't suddenly going to turn around and say "you're right, how can I fix this?". Whether it's depression or another woman, what you say will go right over his head. You have to decide if you can live like this and make your own decision.

WinnieFosterTether · 07/11/2018 14:50

He's emotionally checked out. tbh I'm not sure an ultimatum ever works which isn't to say that he can't change but I think the catalyst for change will be if you take action rather than 'talk about an ultimatum'.
You have to start acting differently so either make plans to leave and tell him you're doing so or tell him you want him to move out.
It's perfectly reasonable to refuse to stay with someone who won't seek help, who blames you for their poor moods and who is disconnected from family life.
If there is a medical cause, it may give him the impetus to see the GP. And if he's just being emotionally abusive, then it shows him that you won't allow him to treat you and the DCs this way.

tiggerkid · 07/11/2018 14:51

You have to decide if you can live like this and make your own decision.

The wisest words and, perhaps, the ultimatum should be either he talks and you start working things out or you are ending it, OP?

Escolar · 07/11/2018 14:51

YANBU. I would do the same myself, OP.

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