To give DH an ultimatum?

[noddingnoodle]

DH has changed. For the past 6-8 months I have tried my best to push to one side that he is miserable with his life. I've done everything to try and make things better for him but i'm very slowly coming to the realisation that nothing is changing.

His zest for life has gone, he doesn't want to do anything at the weekends, doesn't talk about the future. Interactions with myself and the dc are limited. When asked about it, he doesn't want to talk about it but will occasionally blame myself (and the dc!) for not appreciating him, not appreciating how hard he works, for not caring about him, etc.

This could not be further from the truth. I have done everything I can to make him happy. We adore him and appreciate him but he doesn't believe anything and I'm coming to the end now. I don't think I have any more to give, I have loved him as much as I can but don't see anything returned.

I want to tell DH once and for all that this needs to stop or he needs to leave. It is heartbreaking, but he needs to make a decision about what he wants, once and for all.

However, I want to give him one last 'speech' to let him know how much we appreciate him. Not to beg him to stay, but after 12 years, I want him to know what a mistake he is making. I want to word the ultimatum in the firmest but kindest way possible, as he has in the past tried to make out that I am 'threatening' him to make a decision.

Please help. This is my last chance to save our family

[Crunched]

noddingnoodle you are asking how to give an ultimatum to, potentially, save your marriage?
I would put something in writing so your DH can consider it at his own pace. Maybe include happy memories of time you shared and point out how these are still memories you, and the DC would love to make more of. I think your postings here show you are articulate and able to make him consider a future away from you.
Maybe go away with the DC for a night and leave this document/mail for him to ponder on.
My DH left me similar about 18 years ago now and it really shook me up to see what I could lose and how much he wanted us to move on from my low moods and get back to happy times in writing. Sounds corny but it worked and we are still extremely happily married now.
I don't know if he has OW or depression. I don't know if he has lost loved ones, felt his own mortality creeping up on him or suffering from depression but I do know you sound like you really want this marriage to work so give him the opportunity to save it.
If this doesn't help then I agree with those saying you can't carry on with this 'joy sucker' in your and the DC's lives.

[HidingFromMyKids]

If you take away the "I'm not happy" comment you have a DH who
-Doesn't help or do anything around the house
-leaves you doing 95% of the childcare

• communicates the absolute minimum with DC and yourself
  
• refuses to do anything as a family during free time
  
• blames you and DC for this
  

If this was what you outlined in your OP I think you would have very different responses

He may well be unhappy and depressed or he might spin you that line to get you off his back (nagging, which only women seem to do )
Either way something has to change whether that's an ultimatum from you or admitting he needs help.

[AfterSchoolWorry]

Maybe he's had his head turned OP. Mightn't even be anyone who's available, just someone he wants. Hence the despondency.

[noddingnoodle]

There have been times where I have shouted and cried and told him just how much of a huge effect this has had on me and my life. He seems genuinely sorry about it but sadly nothing changes. I'm so torn about giving up on someone I never once doubted that I would be with forever.

[MulticolourMophead]

I did first think of an OW, but yes it could also be depression.

So, OP, on one hand, push your DH into going to the doctors. At the same time, start taking note and digging, to see if there could be an OW (and anyone can find time for an affair if they want to).

[GreyCloudsToday]

In my opinion YAB (massively) U to end the relationship. I think you need to encourage him to see a GP for depression. 6-8 months is no time in the scheme of a 12 year relationship.

However YANBU to be feeling mightily frustrated. You know him best though--is an ultimatum likely to work? Can you talk to him in a kind, caring way? How is he at work and with his family? Is he just withdrawing from you at home, or is it across his life?

[Escolar]

YANBU. I would do the same myself, OP.

[tiggerkid]

You have to decide if you can live like this and make your own decision.

The wisest words and, perhaps, the ultimatum should be either he talks and you start working things out or you are ending it, OP?

[WinnieFosterTether]

He's emotionally checked out. tbh I'm not sure an ultimatum ever works which isn't to say that he can't change but I think the catalyst for change will be if you take action rather than 'talk about an ultimatum'.
You have to start acting differently so either make plans to leave and tell him you're doing so or tell him you want him to move out.
It's perfectly reasonable to refuse to stay with someone who won't seek help, who blames you for their poor moods and who is disconnected from family life.
If there is a medical cause, it may give him the impetus to see the GP. And if he's just being emotionally abusive, then it shows him that you won't allow him to treat you and the DCs this way.

[Storm4star]

OW is common in these scenarios but not always the case. A few years back I was with someone for 4 years and in the last year or so he just used to sit staring at the wall all evening! It drove me mad. I wished he had another woman! I wanted someone to take him off my hands. (I was too gutless for a long time to end it my self). But it was depression.
However this...
I want him to know what a mistake he is making
is an exercise in futility I'm afraid. He isn't suddenly going to turn around and say "you're right, how can I fix this?". Whether it's depression or another woman, what you say will go right over his head. You have to decide if you can live like this and make your own decision.

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

He has talked about leaving a few times over this period.

Just noticed this update.

Grrrr, this makes me angry on your behalf...so much easier to walk away and leave you with the family responsibilities than face whatever's bothering him.

Depressed or not, his children won't forget it if he does. You might want to point that out if he says it again.

[Cath2907]

As posted earlier - sounds very much like my STBXH. He definitely doesn't have another woman and it really is depression he refuses to do anything about. To be honest I wish it was another woman. Watching someone gradually disappear before your eyes until there is only a pale imitation left is heartbreaking. At least if he had an OW I could be angry. My H left willingly enough as he hated living with me as much as I hated living with him. It hasn't made him happier to be alone though - less anxious perhaps but not happier. It made a huge difference to me though!

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I want to tell DH once and for all that this needs to stop or he needs to leave.

If nothing else is bothering you, this seems a bit excessive after 6-8 months

I have lived for years with someone who had depression.

I would not put up with 6-8 days let alone 6-8months. It left such a lasting impression that I cannot be around people who are downers

[TheVeryThing]

If he is depressed or unhappy the onus is on him to seek solutions. You are not responsible for his happiness. My dh suffers from depression and supporting him has affected my own mental health tbh. However, he is open and engages with treatment (medication and counselling).
If he didn't, then there is no way I could continue with the relationship.
He has never once tried to blame me for his issues and his love for me and our children has not changed.

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

He won't explain anything. He just sits in his chair saying he's unhappy. Won't say why, how I can help him, what he could do to help himself, nothing. He won't talk about anything.

It's definitely time for an ultimatum. I'd sit him down and explain that things can't go on like this and give him a week to come up with a list of what's "wrong" with his life- and how both HE and you can help change it.

If, as PP's have suggested, he wants to goad you into ending things, don't let him. If he can't explain what's wrong, it's could be depression- so he's going to the doctor's, no arguments.

My DH once gave me an ultimatum (over a different type of behaviour) and it shocked me into making changes. He made me take responsibility, and it worked.

Good luck.

[skyesayshi]

It does sound like the script to be honest, but trying to keep an open mind.

When a female friend was depressed , she did everything that she could to push her husband away from her. He finally managed to get her to see somebody and she was prescribed AD's.

But I did say to her at the time, is the depression causing the marriage problems or is the marriage causing the depression..........

[redexpat]

These replies seem to be falling into 2 camps - depression vs ow. Im in the depression camp, but he needs to do something about it. So I think the ultimatum is go to the dr and be honest or leave. My dad was depressed for 8 years from when I was about 7 and it has had a lasting impact on me. He never sought treatment or even a diagnosis.

Youre saying that he wont talk about it, but it might be that he doesnt have the vocab to describe how he is feeling. It can be tough to describe sonething youve not experienced before. He might not realise how far down he is, he might not recognise it and be trying to convince himself that he is fine. Do you think you could maybe get him to do an internet questionnaire? I know its not a diagnosis but it might give him the words to describe how he experiences life right now.

[Pissedoffdotcom]

Sticking with somebody who attempts to get help is completely different to sticking with someone who buries their head in the sand

[deydododatdodontdeydo]

It sounds like he is depressed. To be honest he sounds like me a few year's ago.
DH supported me and GP gave me pills which made me not care about anything or anyone and killed my sex drive.
Luckily my DH stuck with me.

[tiggerkid]

He has talked about leaving a few times over this period - this wasn't obvious from the original post.

I can guess it is hard when your husband just turns into a scarecrow in the corner without any explanation but the reason why I thought an ultimatum to leave was a bit excessive after 6-8 months is precisely because you've been together for 12 years rather than 12 months. Having said that because he already talked about leaving, which I didn't know before, and it may well be another woman, perhaps, your ultimatum is the way to go. Only you can tell.

[CherryPavlova]

Would he consider relationship counselling?
Have you listened rather than trying to solve the problem - it might be you’re trying to solve the wrong thing.
Do you get any time together without children? How would he react to you arranging a cinema trip, say?
What is he wanting to happen? Are there financial or other stressors?

[Snomade]

I suspect an OW. Sorry OP.
Unfortunately it seems very common to be gaslighted by the cheating partner, while they rewrite history in order to justify their bad behaviour.

[mostdays]

I want to tell DH once and for all that this needs to stop or he needs to leave.

YANBU. But what will you do when he refuses to leave?

[skyesayshi]

I agree that you need to ask him to leave. He has already checked out of the family, whether there is OW or not remains to be seen. It could be depression.

Tell him that he either seeks help for depression, or if he is not depressed then it is clear that he doesn't want to be there any more and therefore he needs to leave the family unit.

He can't keep blaming everything on you, yet not do anything to resolve matters, or move out.

[Brazenhussy0]

I disagree with pp. I’m not sure there is an OW in this case... he sounds worn out, from the way you’ve described him, OP.

Do you both work?