To give DH an ultimatum?

[noddingnoodle]

DH has changed. For the past 6-8 months I have tried my best to push to one side that he is miserable with his life. I've done everything to try and make things better for him but i'm very slowly coming to the realisation that nothing is changing.

His zest for life has gone, he doesn't want to do anything at the weekends, doesn't talk about the future. Interactions with myself and the dc are limited. When asked about it, he doesn't want to talk about it but will occasionally blame myself (and the dc!) for not appreciating him, not appreciating how hard he works, for not caring about him, etc.

This could not be further from the truth. I have done everything I can to make him happy. We adore him and appreciate him but he doesn't believe anything and I'm coming to the end now. I don't think I have any more to give, I have loved him as much as I can but don't see anything returned.

I want to tell DH once and for all that this needs to stop or he needs to leave. It is heartbreaking, but he needs to make a decision about what he wants, once and for all.

However, I want to give him one last 'speech' to let him know how much we appreciate him. Not to beg him to stay, but after 12 years, I want him to know what a mistake he is making. I want to word the ultimatum in the firmest but kindest way possible, as he has in the past tried to make out that I am 'threatening' him to make a decision.

Please help. This is my last chance to save our family

In my opinion YAB (massively) U to end the relationship. I think you need to encourage him to see a GP for depression. 6-8 months is no time in the scheme of a 12 year relationship.

However YANBU to be feeling mightily frustrated. You know him best though--is an ultimatum likely to work? Can you talk to him in a kind, caring way? How is he at work and with his family? Is he just withdrawing from you at home, or is it across his life?

I did first think of an OW, but yes it could also be depression.

So, OP, on one hand, push your DH into going to the doctors. At the same time, start taking note and digging, to see if there could be an OW (and anyone can find time for an affair if they want to).

There have been times where I have shouted and cried and told him just how much of a huge effect this has had on me and my life. He seems genuinely sorry about it but sadly nothing changes. I'm so torn about giving up on someone I never once doubted that I would be with forever.

Maybe he's had his head turned OP. Mightn't even be anyone who's available, just someone he wants. Hence the despondency.

If you take away the "I'm not happy" comment you have a DH who
-Doesn't help or do anything around the house
-leaves you doing 95% of the childcare

• communicates the absolute minimum with DC and yourself
• refuses to do anything as a family during free time
• blames you and DC for this

If this was what you outlined in your OP I think you would have very different responses

He may well be unhappy and depressed or he might spin you that line to get you off his back (nagging, which only women seem to do )
Either way something has to change whether that's an ultimatum from you or admitting he needs help.

noddingnoodle you are asking how to give an ultimatum to, potentially, save your marriage?
I would put something in writing so your DH can consider it at his own pace. Maybe include happy memories of time you shared and point out how these are still memories you, and the DC would love to make more of. I think your postings here show you are articulate and able to make him consider a future away from you.
Maybe go away with the DC for a night and leave this document/mail for him to ponder on.
My DH left me similar about 18 years ago now and it really shook me up to see what I could lose and how much he wanted us to move on from my low moods and get back to happy times in writing. Sounds corny but it worked and we are still extremely happily married now.
I don't know if he has OW or depression. I don't know if he has lost loved ones, felt his own mortality creeping up on him or suffering from depression but I do know you sound like you really want this marriage to work so give him the opportunity to save it.
If this doesn't help then I agree with those saying you can't carry on with this 'joy sucker' in your and the DC's lives.