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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just buy my niece what I chose ?

78 replies

Myusername101z · 07/11/2018 09:43

So my niece is 5 years old and every year at xmas/her birthday my sil will message me a few weeks before saying what she would like me to buy for her ( she also makes suggestions of what my brother would like again not asked for). I’ve always found it odd but just gone along with it but I had my first baby last year and it’s changed my perspective abit. I have some ideas of things I want to get for her but I am awaiting the txt off sil with her demands (never suggestions, always very precise) would I bu to say I have already got her something ? Is what she is doing a normal thing to do ? I could understand if I asked for advice on what to get her but I never do , does anybody else do this ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Myusername101z · 07/11/2018 09:44

Choose * Grin

OP posts:
user1981287 · 07/11/2018 09:45

I think it is quite normal to be asked for suggestions but I would never just present a list if the gift buyer hasn't asked for suggestions.

Having said that, children today often have so much that it can be difficult to buy them something they don't already have. Even with things like books and music they may well already have the thing you've chosen. I'd personally rather know I am giving somehting they want.

SnuggyBuggy · 07/11/2018 09:46

I can see their point. There is so much waste at Christmas and it's not unreasonable for them to request stuff that will actually be used. It's unreasonable when people only request really expensive stuff though.

firefire · 07/11/2018 09:46

Just say you've already got her present, I tell people (if I can think of anything or the kids have asked for something) but only if the person buying has asked first!

Thehop · 07/11/2018 09:48

Hmm

A bit grabby if you haven’t asked, but I guess it’s to avoid duplicates and waste.

I would suggest you just agree to buy for children now you have one too. It really takes the pressure off!

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 07/11/2018 09:49

Whilst it would be helpful for some people to have an idea of what to buy I think how she reacts to your suggestion that you already have the gifts sorted would be the most telling part.

If she gets cross then you know she is doing it to exercise control. However, if she acts rationally saying great cant wait to see what you got them then you know her previous messages were sent out of kindness and in her being helpful.

I would send the message and see what happens, surely half the fun of buying a gift is finding something you know the recipient would love. Receiving a list each year takes away the fun of finding something and is pretty presumptuous over how much she expects you to spend.

AnonyMousee · 07/11/2018 09:49

Why don't you text first and say you've found a present you'd like to get her, and wanted to check she doesn't already have it yet. If te answer is no then say you will be getting her it.

Omzlas · 07/11/2018 09:49

At every birthday / Xmas I ask my best friend what her kids want as there's so much variety and kids change their minds often. One year he asked me for a tin of cheese Hmm

I didn't actually appreciate this on a personal level until I had kids and my parents rocked up one Xmas with a full sized doll house. It almost tipped me over the edge!
Why not drop SIL a quick text saying "I've bought X for DN, is this something she'd like?"

InDubiousBattle · 07/11/2018 09:50

It's to avoid duplicates. She will know what your neice already has, what she's into, what she needs etc.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 07/11/2018 09:50

YANBU.

I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she might be giving suggestions so people aren’t racking their brains trying to think of something appropriate or wasting money on something that won’t get used. But she’d need to appreciate that not everyone wants or needs help picking gifts for family.

I’d reply to her text with

“Thanks SIL but I’ve seen something I think DN would love so I think I’m going with that! Good luck with the Christmas shopping yourself!”

Bluelady · 07/11/2018 09:52

I wish people did this more. It makes life so much easier when you know your gift is exactly what the person wants and you know you're not wasting your money too.

ifoundthebread · 07/11/2018 09:53

I know in a week or so I'm going to be asked suggestions on what people can buy ds and dd by about 8/9 people. I know roughly what each person spends every year so if I see something while out/dd points out something she wants I'll text a person who spends that amount along the lines of

'to save you the hassle of trying to find something for dd, seen xyz while out today which she would like. Do you want me to pick it up for you?' maybe cheeky to some but my sister does the same with me for her kids, try lessen the hassle of looking for everyone while trying to juggle work and family life for each other.

cheesefield · 07/11/2018 09:57

I'd much rather be told what to buy someone, rather than waste my money on something they don't want.

Zara87 · 07/11/2018 09:58

I always give people suggestions (only of they ask, mind!).
I actually find everyone prefers this as I think it's hard when it's not your child. I used to hate it when I'd ask my sis what to get her kids and she'd say "I don't know". I just send links to people who ask me and that way they dont waste their money and my dc get things they want :-)

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 07/11/2018 10:02

I would have thought your sister was cheeky before I had DS. But now he is 3, and I know he is going to get a large number of Xmas gifts that he has no interest whatsoever in, while at the same time he has a long list of random things he would love to get.

If I had the brass neck, I could save people wasting their money and make DS happy by doing what your sister has done. If I were you I would take the lead from her and ask her for what your son actually wants.

JanetLovesJason · 07/11/2018 10:05

My SIL is like this. At first I thought it was to avoid duplicates etc, then I realised it was about control from other things she does. Kit boiled down to the tone.

I just ignore her really. When I’m not avoiding her.

MrsJayy · 07/11/2018 10:06

Why not be wild and ask before Sil does most people do the what would x like for Christmas

Loonoon · 07/11/2018 10:13

I mostly choose for my two little goddaughters but I text their mum first and say ‘I’m getting x and x unless you think there is something they would prefer’. Normally she says they would love what I’ve picked but twice she has suggested alternatives which I have gone with. Could you try that?

I once bought my nephew a small present related to his favourite TV character not the very expensive Lego set my DSis had —instructed— suggested I buy him. She didn’t talk to me for three blessed years of peace and quiet.

ankasi · 07/11/2018 10:13

I ask my sister what my niece needs and she gives me some suggestions, I buy something along those lines and a little extra on the side, so mum has a surprise as well.
This year Lego Duplo are asked for and I have been told what DN already has so there are no duplicates.
She will probably get some clothing with it as well, stuff that they wouldn't be able to get back home.

My niece will also be a big sister by Christmas, so of course the new baby will get quite a few things as well.

However, whenever I give something to my niece this is immediately followed by "You shouldn't spend so much money on her", even if it was heavily reduced.

LoniceraJaponica · 07/11/2018 10:13

I agree that checking with your SIL is the best way forward. When DD was at school she would get a load of tat at birthday parties, most of which got sent to the charity shop. I would hate to think that I had bought a child something that was never going to be used/worn/played with, and just got regifted.

Sirzy · 07/11/2018 10:15

“I have seen this for dn do you think she would like it?”

It makes much more sense to liaise with parents about presents to make sure your not getting something that will sit untouched or that they alrwady have

cjt110 · 07/11/2018 10:16

My sister in law lives abroad so often will message about birthdays etc. Recently, I had a message - what would DH, DS and I like for christmas which I knew was armed expecting a reply asking the same. An immediate response came back with X, Y and Z. It used to irk me and I thought cheeky but it makes it easier. Although it still irks me that we spend more on them because of what they specific\ally ask for, than what we get back.

PicaK · 07/11/2018 10:18

Just say you've seen x would the 5 year old like it? You are not an expert on that child and while you might think it will bring him her joy it may not. Someone bought ds some gorgeous PJs - but they were slim fit and his sensory probs meant he couldn't wear them. And he didn't want messy play stuff because it freaked him out. You may be thinking it's a shame your nephew nwice doesn't have x - but there could be a genuine reason for it. I send out lists - cos i want the family to see utter genuine joy when presents are opened (not just politeness - which i do insist on).

Dottierichardson · 07/11/2018 10:20

We do this to a couple of relatives because every year we end up giving their presents straight to a charity shop. If you think about it it's annoying, if you buy someone something and then they do the same for you - both sides are essentially spending the same amount. If they always give you something you don't want, you're endlessly out of pocket - and possibly they don't like what you gave them either...With most of our close friends/relatives there's a policy of only buying for the children and usually with lists and a small surprise element like a book. Adults make each other stuff like fudge/jam/chutney...Much easier, far less waste.

Dottierichardson · 07/11/2018 10:21

And now that most children older we just give them cash...