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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just buy my niece what I chose ?

78 replies

Myusername101z · 07/11/2018 09:43

So my niece is 5 years old and every year at xmas/her birthday my sil will message me a few weeks before saying what she would like me to buy for her ( she also makes suggestions of what my brother would like again not asked for). I’ve always found it odd but just gone along with it but I had my first baby last year and it’s changed my perspective abit. I have some ideas of things I want to get for her but I am awaiting the txt off sil with her demands (never suggestions, always very precise) would I bu to say I have already got her something ? Is what she is doing a normal thing to do ? I could understand if I asked for advice on what to get her but I never do , does anybody else do this ?

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 07/11/2018 11:24

Yes difference between suggestions and demands. I think its better for people to buy gifts they actually want rather than something they dont.

SIL bought DD some perfume for a birthday or Christmas last year - she is running out and would like some more so we will say this to SIL (but allow her to pick)

She also nearly bought DS some lego he already had for his birthday and then asked and we told her something very specific that he wanted and he loved it

The problem I have is that you want to buy something YOU chose surely it should be something that your niece wants?

Isleepinahedgefund · 07/11/2018 11:28

I don’t see the harm in directing people as to what the kids will like. I don’t want a house full of random crap, I want her to have things she likes and will play with/use.

I do this with my family - after the year when my daughter got a laptop bag and a cutlery set from them I felt I needed to intervene. I don’t give a list, I say “she likes this range of toys” and let them know if I’ve already bought any - this year it’s all about playmoible fairies so I’ve told them that and which two things I bought already. That way they can choose how much they want to spend, I do think it’s very cheeky to only give pricey options. We all win - daughter gets what she’ll enjoy, they get the feel good of her being genuinely delighted (although I have used my years of experience to trainher into do a really good gracious acceptance of crap gift from my family).

Laptop bag is very useful by the way. For me. Not for the five yr old, who does not have a laptop.

LoniceraJaponica · 07/11/2018 11:31

"my DCs, like most, have very specific tastes, even with things like Lego which they adore, they only like specific types."

I'm like that with gin
I prefer my gin to taste of gin - not strawberries, elderflower, rhubarb etc. They make perfectly acceptable drinks, but they are not the gin I want with my (unflavoured) tonic water.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 07/11/2018 11:32

In my experience you’re either a list family or a surprise family.

We’re a list family, so I am asked for a provide a list of items children would like. Family members will generally buy from the list or provide vouchers or whatever.

festivelyfoolish · 07/11/2018 11:34

neither of you is really wrong - if she's directing you that's manner-less, however although I never say anything, my SIL has form for constantly sending things the DC have already got or don't give a second glance to, and it's a waste (it goes to a charity shop after it has sat about for a few years unless it's a duplicate). I also rather suspect our 'spontaneous' gifts to her DC are going to end up the same.

If someone tells you what's wanted, doesn't that just make things easier?

Pinkyyy · 07/11/2018 11:37

Well if nothing else it's absolutely taking the enjoyment of choosing a gift and giving it to her away. I think it's rude, especially when you haven't even asked

minisoksmakehardwork · 07/11/2018 11:44

I'm a fan of the list if it's given as a general idea rather than list of demands.

Eg DN likes paw patrol, books and building. They already have A, B and C. Clothes would/wouldn't be appreciated.
DF Is really getting into his golfing hobby.
DM is on the look out for a warm scarf as has lost theirs but also likes X, Y, Z.

Kind of themes that you can choose or ignore at your leisure.

I had a friend who would give her (ex) husband a list of gifts and woe betide him if he deviated in any way.

LoniceraJaponica · 07/11/2018 11:44

"taking the enjoyment of choosing a gift"

Those of us who don't like Christmas shopping or buying presents wouldn't view choosing a gift as an enjoyable process. The enjoyable part is knowing what to buy, therefore in our family we do lists suggestions.

People who enjoy choosing gifts always assume that those who don't like present shopping know the recipient really well and are just lazy.

Talcott2007 · 07/11/2018 11:44

Suggestions are fine in my opinion but a specific it has to be this exact gift in this colour is a bit presumptuous. Also depends on how close you are to the child to appreciate their likes and dislikes. For a couple of friends children who I see regularly I have already worked out the sort of thing to get them without needing or wanting suggestions. I also buy for my cousins' children some of whom I see only a couple of times a year owing to living different ends of the country - I always ask for suggestions and reciprocate with suggestions for DD (when asked) as I just don't know them as well and want to make sure I get something nice. But suggestions are quite generic. This years suggestions was "DCousin1 has started to be interested in arts and crafts stuff so one of those jewellery making or other craft type kits would be good. DCousin2 is still mad about Paw Patrol so you can't go wrong with anything like that"

RiverTam · 07/11/2018 11:46

But is it worse that placing your enjoyment over choosing a gift above the recipient's potential enjoyment of the gift? One could argue that it's rather arrogant to say that your enjoyment trumps the recipient's, as well as potentially a complete waste of time and money.

RiverTam · 07/11/2018 11:46

sorry, that was to Pinkyy

SnuggyBuggy · 07/11/2018 11:55

What Dottierichardson said. It shouldn't be about the ego of the gift giver.

LoniceraJaponica · 07/11/2018 11:59

I agree with Dottie, RiverTam and Snuggy. Isn't gift giving all about seeing the look of pleasure on the recipient's face when they open it rather than a polite thank you?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/11/2018 12:01

It depends on the ridiculousness of the gift request list.
IF it's all within reasonable costs and appropriateness, then I wouldn't go off list - you don't know what she already has, and you don't know what she's going to get from other people, so you might end up doubling up which would be disappointing to your niece.

If you're determined to go off-list, at least tell your sister first what you're getting so she can say whether or not it's going to be a double-up.

I buy all presents from all my family for my boys, because we're in Australia and they're not - it saves on postage, doubling up, size/age inappropriateness etc. Family members give me the money so I work to their budgets. That way no one is upset.

Kazzyhoward · 07/11/2018 12:05

I started giving my family specific item lists when DS was about 5 as brother, sister and in-laws just kept wasting a lot of money on things he already had or didn't want. We couldn't afford to buy everything he did want, so it made sense to tell the family what he wanted. Saves a lot of hassle in trying to take stuff back for a refund!

Scubalubs87 · 07/11/2018 12:06

Pretty sure I’m the 90s my brother and I cut out our wish list from the Argos catalogue from which family members clearly chose our gifts . Perhaps it takes a bit of mystery out of present giving but not for the children who actually get gifts they want. I remember being miffed at being given a scientific calculator from my uncle one year. I don’t think it’s grabby, it’s sensible as there can be so much waste with gift giving if it’s not something suited to the receiver. My sister in law sends me links - I love it!

SushiMonster · 07/11/2018 12:09

I love being given suggestions. Makes the entire process so much easier.

AlexanderHamilton · 07/11/2018 12:10

My sil used to do this. Every year she would ask what dd and ds wanted and I would give her a list of suggestions with a wide range of prices and obtainable from various different places (she got a staff discount at a major retailer wheras I got Love2shop vouchers as a Christnas bonus from work.

Every year she would present me with one specific expensive item only obtainable either from a specialist website or from her workplace so she would ask for the money so she could order it.

It rally annoyed me.

AlexanderHamilton · 07/11/2018 12:11

Sorry I didn't make that clear, she would present me with one specific expensive item for me to buy dneice (her dd)

AlexanderHamilton · 07/11/2018 12:13

Oh and she had a rule that clothes were not for christmas it had to be toys so even when dd was pre-teen and not wanting toys any more she refused to buy several things dd asked for.

RiverTam · 07/11/2018 12:15

well, that sounds rubbish. But I'm not sure it's what's going on with the OP.

Justanothernameonthepage · 07/11/2018 12:19

I wish I had the guts to do this. My SIL loves choosing gifts for my DC...who she doesn't know very well. So far she gets one great gift for every 10. So the others are put away/donated/returned/broken. Honestly it's so wasteful and my heart sinks every time she proudly hands over something that will just be landfill.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 07/11/2018 12:28

well, that sounds rubbish. But I'm not sure it's what's going on with the OP.

The way I'm reading it, this is exactly what she is doing. The Op said she gives suggestion for what the BIL wants but that the text explicitly states what 1 thing she is to buy for her niece (never suggestions, always very precise).

We don't know what the item is that has been demanded by SIL nor do we know the price and how hard it is to track down but the Op is clear that this is not a suggestion list it is a text stating she should buy this specific item.

Pinkkittens292 · 07/11/2018 12:41

I can sort of see both sides.

On the one hand I would never dream of telling a relative what to buy for my children. It just seems rude.

Then if I was on the other side though and it was me buying a gift for their child then I would be happy for them to tell me what they want rather than me going out and buying something they already have or something they really dislike!

I guess it depends on how she is putting across. If she's being polite and saying "They don't have this....." or "They are really into....." and "Just to give you a few ideas of what X would like if you wish to buy any of these" (and maybe give a few suggestions) rather than saying "This is what we want from you this year".

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 07/11/2018 12:43

Unless she's choosing something wildly expensive, sounds pretty convenient to me. I take the point that it's usual to wait until you're asked rather than pre-empt, but that's a bit of a charade really, isn't it? We all know this is an occasion when a present will be exchanged, let's just cut to the chase. I can see how it might be controlling behaviour, but tbh if it's in price range and not ridiculously difficult to get hold of I'd still do it.

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