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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just buy my niece what I chose ?

78 replies

Myusername101z · 07/11/2018 09:43

So my niece is 5 years old and every year at xmas/her birthday my sil will message me a few weeks before saying what she would like me to buy for her ( she also makes suggestions of what my brother would like again not asked for). I’ve always found it odd but just gone along with it but I had my first baby last year and it’s changed my perspective abit. I have some ideas of things I want to get for her but I am awaiting the txt off sil with her demands (never suggestions, always very precise) would I bu to say I have already got her something ? Is what she is doing a normal thing to do ? I could understand if I asked for advice on what to get her but I never do , does anybody else do this ?

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 07/11/2018 10:21

I loved picking out presents myself and would have hated being told what to buy. My siblings always said my gifts were a hit but usually things they wouldn't think of buying them themselves. I had access to cathologues through work that opened up new possibilities.
Same with my dc. Their uncle would buy mad trucks/ jeeps and stuff that l would never go for and they adored them. Think the givers personality adds to the gift and opens a childs woorld a bit wider.
Being a teacher l was guilty of going for sensible gifts with a learning element so they needed a kind uncle to balance that.

AriadnePersephoneCloud · 07/11/2018 10:24

I would much rather this than get a duplicate present or something similar to an existing owned toy. We have gone one step further and I buy all presents for my children and label them from the various family and they do the same for their children. The children always get what they like and it saves sending things etc.

WhyAmISoCold · 07/11/2018 10:25

I'd rather spend my money on something I know will be wanted and vice versa. One year 3 different relatives bought my DCs pyjamas, way too many and they mainly sleep in their underwear anyway!

LoniceraJaponica · 07/11/2018 10:25

I hate having to decide what to buy for people for Christmas. As we live too far from family we don't see them very often and don't know what they already have. When you spend a lot of time with someone you know their likes and dislikes, but it is more difficult when you only see someone once or twice a year.

strawberrisc · 07/11/2018 10:27

I think you're being precious. This is a massive bugbear of mine. What's the point in getting a present (that you KNOW you're going to receive anyway) that's useless? So many of us are utterly broke and it's lovely get something we really need. My family always circulate wish lists at Christmas. We have a budget and we get something we can't afford usually to buy for ourselves. I know many people won't get this concept but it totally works for us as a family. In terms of your niece how lovely would it be to get her something she really wants? For my niece's last birthday my sister said there was a particular costume she wanted and OMG she loves it. Job done. Everyone happy.

Birdsgottafly · 07/11/2018 10:27

We've just stopped doing Adult presents. We tried for years, but having a few older relatives die, including my Mother, meant we could enforce it.

One of the reasons is because of the shit my Sister buys and that includes for the children.

As I see it, the present is about the receiver and not the giver.

I don't understand why you wouldn't want a child to live what you've bought, rather than be polite (or upset when it has to go in the bin), about it.

RiverTam · 07/11/2018 10:27

We do suggested lists in my family, but not DH's. End result is DD gets stuff that she wants and likes from my family and utterly random stuff, most of which fails to hit the mark, from DH's. She is utterly fed up of people thinking that because she's a girl she wants craft stuff. She hates craft!

frami · 07/11/2018 10:29

When my kids were small I set up Amazon wish lists for them.. We then let the kids put stuff they would like and we would add stuff too and remove some that we thought unsuitable. It worked very well, avoided duplicated gifts and taught them some life lessons on how much people are willing to pay. 2 DC have now left home but still have the lists as do DH and I. It makes present buying so much easier.

Birdsgottafly · 07/11/2018 10:31

I also agree that it isn't grabby if its the norm to buy presents. It's strange to think that it is.

I'm WC/poorer Families, in years gone by, even if you didn't do Adult presents which most didn't (baring take a bottle with you), you would buy for the children.

Dottierichardson · 07/11/2018 10:33

Rivertam exactly! Part of our policy stems from remembering how as a child I was forever being given pink, girly things which I've never liked. I always wanted books and I didn't have a huge amount of pocket money to buy my own, so hated unwrapping bath oil or fluffy slippers that I'd never use, would end up calculating in my head the books I could've bought...And as for people who say that they loved a surprise present, it's hard to gauge, have one friend who surprises me and vice versa but we've known each other since we were children...we're hugely polite to people who give us stuff we've hated, no way they'd know we hated it. If it's a thing we bring it out when they come for a few months then say it got broken. Helps that OH is known for breaking things...

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 07/11/2018 10:37

I also agree that it isn't grabby if its the norm to buy presents. It's strange to think that it is.

In some of the situations outlined on this thread it is indeed not grabby e.g sending list or suggesting a few ideas. However, in the Ops case they are being instructed to buy a certain gift at a set price whether they wanted to spend that much or not and that is the epitome of being grabby.

I am sure the Op would rather the choice to buy a gift of her own choosing setting her own budge I don't think that's an unreasonable expectation?

Excited101 · 07/11/2018 10:38

This is why I love amazon wish lists for kids! You still get all the fun of choosing but from things that are useful/wanted/not duplicates.

RiverTam · 07/11/2018 10:39

every year, the majority of things DH's family buy me/DD end up in the charity shop. I'm not at the stage in life where the last thing I want is 'stuff' to clutter up my house.

Oh, and they won't do cash or vouchers either. It's very tiresome.

Dottierichardson · 07/11/2018 10:39

Also there's another thread on here at the moment about waste. The other issue about unwanted presents is that so much stuff won't even get sold via charity shops, so loads of stuff ends up on landfills...I'd rather a gift card from a charity - the ones where they give money to a charity project like providing clean water in places where none's available - than a thing I either don't want or don't need that just ends up clogging up the planet with more rubbish.

MRex · 07/11/2018 10:40

I enjoy choosing presents and my family like to go mad on it, but I also find it annoying getting things for DS that he won't use, like clothes that won't fit. So I sent them a long list of things to choose from; some need thought (e.g. "art supplies"), some don't (e.g. Gro-clock). They're all happy that they still get the chance to choose stuff. Maybe you could suggest to your SIL that you each do something similar, to not take away the fun of searching for gifts but to get things the children will like.

TheDayMyButtWentPsycho · 07/11/2018 10:44

I don't send a list unless asked.

But in the occasions that my mum hasn't asked for a list and just gone for what she thinks my kids would like, she's got it quite wrong. The kids never even glanced at the toy and I always felt really guilty giving it to the charity shop a few weeks later.

I can see both sides, but to send demands is just rude.

Nedzilla · 07/11/2018 10:46

I would like that. As long as it isnt anything too expensive for your price range, in which case just say you were planning on spending x amount.

Otherwise its just a waste buying stuff they dont want or need.

We have two nephews. They always say to get them books. But Its better that their parents provide us with an amazon list of books or say which ones, as we have no idea which ones they already have got. At the moment they like a certain set, but agains theres about 30 books in collection, and they already have 10 ish. So its easy for us to log into list, see each book and order a few.

missperegrinespeculiar · 07/11/2018 10:49

Yes, I don't do it, worrying it is ruder seen as grabby, but wish I had the guts to, my DCs, like most, have very specific tastes, even with things like Lego which they adore, they only like specific types.

It can be a waste, for example when people get them things like Lego cars and planes they have zero interest in, when they want instead the Lego Friends dragons (which I suspect many people would not get them assuming it to be girly! I have two boys).

SingaporeSlinky · 07/11/2018 10:50

I can see why she’s doing it too, BUT I think she should wait for you to ask, not send a text with a request first. Just to make a point, I would probably respond saying you’ve already bought something and just hope they don’t have whatever you choose. Do you see them regularly enough to be able to look around and make sure niece doesn’t have a particular item? Board game maybe?

Dottierichardson · 07/11/2018 10:51

Nedzilla lists with options work really well...the point is to get something the children actually want. I tend to think people who insist on surprises - usually things kids don't want - are thinking more about themselves and want to congratulate themselves on their good taste, than about what people actually want. And OP if sil's giving you suggestions about your brother too, sounds as if you're buying stuff he doesn't want/doesn't like but doesn't know how to bring it up...

fruitbrewhaha · 07/11/2018 10:56

My SIL does this, sometimes with a link, I love her for it, saves me a heap of time.

It stop us buying something they already have. We often recommend something for mine DC which goes with what we are buying so helps to complete the set etc.

There's enough to think about. Just get what she wants.

bookmum08 · 07/11/2018 11:00

For my daughter I co ordinate with my mum, mother in law and sister about what we are going to get her. Often it will be that I suggest something that is going to go with her main gift. For example this year she would like a Nintendo 3ds. We (as in her parents) will get the console, grannies will get a game each.
My sister in laws however don't ask for suggestions and usually give something daughter isn't that interested in. We don't live close enough for them to see her regularly so they don't know what she is into. It's nice they get her a present but it does seem a waste of their money.

Wixi · 07/11/2018 11:01

My DSis and I set up Amazon wishlists for our children which we then share with parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles so that they can choose from a selection of what to buy but know that it is something that the child/ren have asked for or will want and don't already have. Once things are bought they are hidden so that no-one else can buy the same so less risk of duplicates. It' very useful. Obviously we don't have to buy off the list if we have other ideas, but it helps.

Cherries101 · 07/11/2018 11:05

At 5 your dn is old enough to tell you what she wants herself. Cut out the middle woman!

Seaweed42 · 07/11/2018 11:15

It depends on the scale of these presents. If the stuff on the SIL list is much more modest than anything you might buy, then she is trying to tell you to scale down the size and cost of the presents.
I think it's very sensible to get a child what someone close to them thinks they want, as often something not asked for will be thrown in the corner. If it's something costing a tenner or less than no problem.

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