...to ask you to show your midwives more love?

[MooFeatures]

Obviously, only the ones who deserve it. There are some right dragons out there - trust me, I work with them.

I’ve been a midwife for 6 years and I’m leaving the job. I love midwifery, but what I do isn’t ‘midwifery’. I’d also like to think I’m one of the good ones: I’ll always advocate for the woman rather than the convenience of the unit, and I refuse to be complicit in the ‘conveyor belt’ mentality which is (unfortunately) the only way all women receive some level of care, no matter how shit it is. This is why I’m going, because I can’t reconcile being a good employee with being a compassionate midwife.

There seems to be a culture on MN of midwife bashing, not that I can say it’s entirely unjustified if half of the posts are true. It’s too late for me now, but if you appreciated your midwife please think about writing them a card to tell them - it might just be the thing which convinces them to stay in the profession, and god knows we can’t afford to lose any more!

It’s so sad to hear some of these midwife stories. In both pregnancies and births I’ve only met one sub-par midwife and she was post natally so not a disaster - my other 2 community midwives then went out of their way to cover her shifts so I didn’t have to see her again!
My own community midwife was amazing, both last time and this. I phoned her at 7am yesterday at 38 weeks to say I wouldn’t make my 1pm bloods appointment as I suspected labour had started and she said she had a tea break at 11 in her clinic 2 minutes down the road from me and if I wanted to see how things were going then I could pop in and see her and she would give me a quick check. She was one of the first people we texted at 9.36 when baby was born.
The midwives at the MLU took me seriously from the first call, had run the pool for me twice by the time I arrived so it was still nice and warm (traffic!). Then whisked me straight to the room, the midwife offered the pool or an examination immediately but with the next contraction correctly assessed that we were way past either of those and helped me into a comfy position and managed to keep things controlled enough that 4 pushes later baby arrived with minimal damage to me. Both midwives stepped in so calmly and reassuringly that they turned what could have been a very scary experience into a nice calm one. They then got baby settled into skin to skin and started to look after me. It turned out that the 2nd person in the room was a healthcare assistant and student midwife and it was only the 2nd birth she’d been at, I would never have guessed.

Oh and I will send a card and gift to all involved as I did last time. I’m trying to think of something extra special for my community midwife.

I'm a bit disturbed that op wants a load of thanks by every patient just for doing her job well. It seems most of the profession seem to have a chip on their shoulder. Maybe if I'd bought them all some flowers and a box of chocolate while I was in the early stages of labour I wouldn't have had such a shit time. If only I'd known...

My community midwife was nice- but it was the midwife who looked after me when I was in labour who really stood out. She was just so wonderful- calm, kind and confident. She was 24 but had such a wisdom about her, and she also stayed past her shift to deliver my baby.

DD was having some dips in her heart rate so the Obstetric registrar was called in too. He was very encouraging and told me he knew I could push her out with a little bit more time but that he was there just in case.

I was so grateful for the wonderful care I had. You sound like a lovely midwife, OP. Hope you're going to take some time out for yourself and find a way to use your lovely skills in a way that looks after you too.

I’ve never had “my” midwife, the service here is so patched together you’re lucky to see the same one twice.

I would never thank anyone for how my first was born, they put me flat on my back, told me they were going to cut me (rather than ask) and kept telling me to “really push”. DS1’s head was actually lodged in my pelvis, kept nearly coming down then going back in again. When he exploded out he had the head of a forceps baby. Then I was informed that I couldn’t feel the stitches when I flinched with every one. Pile of bitches.

Some amazing midwives out there - I'll be eternally grateful to the lovely, lovely woman who got me toast when I was a junior doctor on a 24-36 hour shift with 14 hours of no food or drink.

Marie, you are fabulous!

My antenatal midwife was lovely, so much so that I was absolutely gutted at the appointments I had when she happened to be on annual leave. Another midwife performed my first sweep and the whole appointment was appalling (she was very abrupt and cold, the sweep was excruciating and she tutted when I cried). My usual midwife performed my second sweep which incidentally worked, and I'd put that down to her explaining the process fully, empathising with my anxiety surrounding the procedure and generally being a lovely, caring professional. She was gentle and kind and put me at ease.

The primary midwife who looked after me post c section was incredible - caring, funny and so attentive. She offered up so much of her time (when I'm sure she was being run ragged) to helping me establish breastfeeding which I was grateful for. I bought her a card and chocolates as a thank you. Rhian at UHNM Stoke - an absolute star.

You see the difficulty is in my experience the good ones have been excellent.
However I think pregnancy and birth are such life changing and critical events, that when you get a shit midwife, and you or your baby suffers harm, it stays with you. For a long time. And contributes to so much poor post natal mental health.

I wish the bad ones could be weeded out and then the hospitals flooded with more good midwives, to give women the care they deserve and to stop food midwives leaving because they can’t take any more shit from their job.

Is it women you need to appeal to op? I suppose women on here who are venting are often victims of bad care and they are just responding to the person in a uniform who should have delivered a higher standard of care, but didn’t.

Is it the government/health ministers you should reach out to? To tell them why you are leaving and what the truth and reality of the job is and how you see it affecting women and their families?

All the posters who point out that the (rare) lack of gratitude is a symptom rather than the problem are absolutely right. I’ve tried to change things, really I have. I’ve regularly left work crying and wishing I could drive my car into something to avoid coming back for another shift. Managers and politicians seem to have their heads deeply buried: they either don’t believe our complaints and concerns, or they do and don’t care. It breaks my heart to hear some of your stories and I’ve left because I don’t want to become “that midwife” - but the way things are going I inevitably will be.

So, more thanks from women shouldn’t be asked for and I completely understand how ‘the system’ has traumatised some of you so much so that the idea of thanking us is offensive. But for those who get good care and are genuinely grateful, well, putting that in a card could be a sticky plaster to cover the massive bigger issue (and could mean your midwife doesn’t leave that shift in tears).

It's a cop out to blame "the system" for a midwife being downright nasty, that's the midwife's personality and no amount of training will change that.

I agree with above! I dated a male nurse who Ok wasn’t a midwife but he was working on a permently understaffed ward etc he was proper stressed about the situation but he still treated his patients with respect.

Midwifes have a really tough job I know but there’s no excuse to be nasty and short tempered with vulnerable women in pain etc.

I've only given birth once and tbh a big part of why I didn't have more DC was how horrendous my care (if you can call it that) was. My overriding memory of my MW was her asking if I wanted my baby to die because I wasn't pushing hard enough. DD was back to back but I didn't find that out til weeks later when DH mentioned she came out face up, wish the MW had told me afterwards as I wouldn't have beaten myself up for weeks thinking it was all my fault. MW even came to see me after the birth to ask for an apology for me being 'snappy' with her during DD's (extremely traumatic, forceps) delivery.

I watch programmes like OBEM and feel so sad that my experience was nothing like that, no kindness or care whatsoever and a seeming lack of knowledge of what her role as my MW should have been. I'm not even sure she was clinically competent, she left me in total agony and screaming that I needed to push for what felt like hours (DH says it was at least half an hour) and then panicked when she finally realised I was fully dilated so it was panic stations to deliver DD. She kept shouting 'push with your contractions' when I'd told her repeatedly I didn't know when my contractions were happening as the pain was constant and had been for hours since my water broke. I was never offered pain relief and did the whole thing (episiotomy, 3rd degree tear and a brutal forceps delivery) on the 2 paracetamol I'd taken before leaving home.

I can't even put it down to that particular MW, I was on the maternity ward for 2 days before we were allowed home and not one member of staff came near me in all that time. No one checked that I was eating (I wasn't, meals were served in a room too far away from the ward for me to feel comfortable leaving DD alone) or whether DD was feeding, I wasn't even provided with drinking water. No one told me where the showers were so I was still covered in blood when I was discharged, having eaten and drunk nothing for 2 days apart from what DH brought in.

PP's are right that our opinions of MW's are informed by our own experiences and mine was entirely negative. I don't look back on DD's birth as the special experience it should have been, all I feel when I think about it is sad and angry, a little care and kindness would have gone a long way.