To wonder if this is genuine?

[ChasingGhosts]

Question I asked was do you really genuinely care about me?

After what appears to have happened and even before your question to him, he should have been grovelling and apologising and trying to make things right (even though absolutely shouldn't have done that ever), but you had to keep digging for that answer and I think you know yourself that this isn't right - better to be upset and crying for a month than years making excuses for someone else and being totally miserable

I know lollipop and Nona 

I know.. I'm going to cool him off for a couple days to get my mental strength back, I need to be in the right place to avoid suffering mentally as I can have very severe lows

He apologised and I really laid into him about it, I said it was wrong and he can't do that etc

The next day he asked if I was still moody I said no I'm upset because you hurt me and my neck is sore

He asked why and when I said well it's probably because of what you did he said ok.

We talked on the phone but the sex was never mentioned.

I said by text it's not fun for me to get hurt he said 'obviously'

It's just going to be ignored now, he wants
To come over on Thursday I'm going to draw back and steel myself it's just going to be fucking hard

One thing he always points out is that if he didn't care why would he be willing to drive a nearly 3 hour round trip to see me most weeks

For a blow job it seems....

I'm the expert at breaking up with dates, but when it's a long term relationship I get drawn in and invested in it and a reliance.

But I don't want to eat drawn into the dependence on my exes old cycle of being abusive then nice

I don't have my mum to speak to or anyone else in my family

I’ve seen your other thread about warning someone about a cheater and a sex offender. Your last relationship was clearly awful - thing is seems like this one is just less awful. That’s not what relationships should be like, @ChasingGhosts.

It was yes I'm mostly recovered now but I suffered with ptsd for a long time

He does not love you.

He has used ‘ya’ rather than ‘you’ to make the meaning much more flippant and impersonal.

Thank you user..

It's just hard for me to imagine ever having a happy relationship now.

I don't know if I can trust or believe in anyone that way again so I feel like I'm just going to be single forever



Why do people lie about these things this is why I hate relationships.

Why do men lie about loving you and why do they say it if they don't

if he didn't care why would he be willing to drive a nearly 3 hour round trip to see me most weeks

Because the women in his area won’t put up with his shit?

I’m sorry to be so harsh but I really thing you are selling yourself short.

Look, bin this wanker off, stick with your counselling and stay single for at least a year. You are too messed up not to pick another abuser, at the moment. While you are in the kind of needy, desperate, 'any man is better than no man' mindset, you will only attract abusive wankers. And you deserve better than an abusive wanker, because everyone deserves better than an abusive wanker.

I have high standards this guy is the only guy who's ever got past a second date since my ex but I just can't tell when someone is lying and if you can trust them.

I had no signs early on to show he would be like this

Oh OP, you are too vulnerable to be in a relationship just now! Please contact Woman’s Aid for advice on breaking away from this abusive man. Unfortunately he could tell you were vulnerable, he has put the work 8n love bombing you, to the point that you think that you can’t live without him. He has been sexually abusive and then gaslighted you afterwards. He will ramp up the abuse!

Have a read of this link, it describes the abuser profiles from the Lundy Bancroft book ‘Why does he do that?’

m.facebook.com/notes/rebecca-cummings/abuser-profiles-from-why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/480862655302912/

Your bf is an abuser, he might be a different type of abuser but he is still an abuser! As I said above, get in touch with Woman’s Aid for advice on your current situation. Then look into the freedom program. I would concentrate on therapy for yourself and recovering as much as possible from the abuse you have suffered at the hands of your previous and current partners.

One thing he always points out is that if he didn't care why would he be willing to drive a nearly 3 hour round trip to see me most weeks

Maybe he gets a kick out of abusing you? Maybe it's for the sex. Maybe he likes having company, but still wants to treat you like shit. I dunno but driving a 3 hour trip isn't evidence of love.

Why do men lie about loving you and why do they say it if they don't Well that's simple, they lie because they know there are plenty of women out there who are so desperate to be loved that they will put up with any level of crap just to have a man in their lives who tells them he loves them.

Please ignore the people calling you needy.

You're in an abusive relationship and you're trying to work it out.

If it was a good relationship you wouldn't need to ask. He doesn't care about what you think.

Please, just leave him. Please don't fall into the trap of trying to explain why you are leaving, or trying to get him to understand or admit his behaviour. He won't.

You don't need his understanding or his permission. Just leave.

And he doesn't even need it done face to face. You can just go, you know.

That read much colder than it was meant! (Apologies I am on the spectrum and tend to be overly direct)

I am so sorry that you have found yourself in another abusive relationship. You mentioned that you don’t have family to turn to, do you have friends? I am sure a friend would be willing to support you as you separate yourself from your partner. I would certainly be there in a minute to support a friend in a similar situation. You are in a better position now, as you don’t live together, so it should be easier to break ties. I know Mumsnet don’t do hugs, so here are some

My friends ex used to drive from the NW to Scotland 3x a week to cheat with other women. I think he ran out of women there because then he started driving up the north of Scotland, pretending to have a business and sleeping with various women who thought they were in a relationship with him. Abusers do weird things and twist it to make themselves look good, it gives them a kick.

It sounds like you know you need to ditch him. You say he won't even talk f2f so just txt him and tell him it's not working out and wish him well. The sooner you get rid the better.

Thank you everyone and Caledonian

I have lots of friends but not really any I can easily talk about this stuff with.. especially hard when they think I've been happy with this guy.

Wish I had my mum 

But thank you Im going to take it on board and do the right thing, I don't need him I'm a strong person

What they said, ChasingGhosts! He has made you feel insecure, which was probably quite easy following your previous experience, and I bet he then goes on to pick at you for feeling insecure and 'needy'. Been there more than once.

Yep, it's hard & scary to end a relationship when you're feeling emotionally wobbly. You already know this one isn't as good for you as you'd hoped, and you know you deserve a partner with as much to give as you. Get a friend on side, and Mumsnet, and your counsellor ... and do it. Good luck :)

You need a better Shark Cage: www.psychotherapy.com.au/fileadmin/site_files/pdfs/SharkCage.pdf

Do the Freedom Programme, either in person or online. freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Good for you.