To ask what you would change about your parents growing up?

[Pinkbutton85]

I had a shit start to childhood. Mentally unstable mother, she lost custody, fostered before my father was given custody.

It was good, but not great. There are so many things I wish he had done or said.

• Showed more physical affection.
  
• More praise and less criticism
  
• Played with us
  
• Took us out, anywhere!
  

I want to reflect and make sure I'm everything my parents weren't for my children.

So I'm wondering what do you wish your parents did more of, or didn't do?

[zeezee3]

Some sad stories on here.

I got on well with my parents, but DH had parents that were very driven career people, and were rarely at home. He had every material thing he wanted, and they lived in a fancy house in a posh area. But he said he would rather have lived in a caravan, and had them home more, and has less stuff!

[Yousignup]

I wish they'd had more money as well. Not for me, but for them. As immigrants it was very hard for them, and I appreciate their struggles every day.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Nothing - they did their best

My minor complaints fade reading this thread

Some
People
Have really suffered

[JaceLancs]

Not to have a parent with MH issues
Not to have a narcissistic parent
Unfortunately I had one of each

[happinessischocolate]

I wish my mum had stood up for me.

I found out a few years ago that the reason she didn't was because her Mum always stood up for her and took her side when she fell out with friends and she didn't want to be like that so she went the other way, too far the other way in my opinion. I grew up thinking everyone else was better than me 😕

I'm therefore now like my gran, I bloody stand up for my dd and she has the self worth that I completely lacked.

[GogoGobo]

I wish they hadn't smoked and drank in moderation

[Winterfellismyhome]

I wish there hadnt been so many of us. They didnt have enough love to spread around. It damaged us all.

I wish we were taught better hygiene, personal and home

I wish we were fed healthy meals or taught to cook. As soon as we could work the chip pan, no more meals came from mum and dad.

[GunpowderGelatine]

• I wish more attention had been paid to our education. I was never made to do homework and was very lazy therefore did much worse at school than I could have

• my mum was so stressed out all the time, and always talked about being stressed, we never laughed or had fun, the days were basically damage limitation and the best we could hope for was not to have an argument somehow. Now mine are 2 and 5 and I am really worried about going down the same path as I do find parenting hard and wish a lot of the day away. I have to remind myself to power through the stress and not be like mum

• above all I wish we had better holidays. This sounds so ungrateful, sorry. But my stepdad (who was in our lives from age 4) is Italian and so all the money saved for holiday went on visiting his family in Italy. Which may sound nice but actually it was 3 weeks of slogging round some dodgy as fuck places, sitting nicely in yet another kitchen of another sibling as the Italians had discussions whereas me, mum and brothers sat in silence not having a clue what they were saying. Mum, the dutiful wife (dutiful enough to overlook many affairs over the years) would sit and smile sweetly and not allow us to speak English because it looked rude. We did this every day, for hours. Then we'd be forced to eat MASSIVE portions of pasta my Stepdads family made us that I hated and I'd end up feeling sick. But my mum wouldn't dare have me show her up by leaving any.

I'd come home and my friends had been on such cool beach holidays and to water parks and hotels with a pool. I longed for that, but package holidays were very 'common' in the eyes of my mother and I didn't stay in a hotel with a pool until I was an adult. Now, despite the fact that DH and I would rather do something like Greek Island hopping or a safari, we always take the kids to places jam packed with kids activities, pools and playgrounds, and make it (mostly) about them, even when us adults have cabin fever and are bored to tears.

[Seymourcrelborne]

Completely agree with the cleaning scenario. Cleaning is my most memorable thing of my youth that my mum did. She still does it now obsessively. I don’t have one single memory of my mum ever playing with me, reading to me etc. Having said that we have a great relationship now and she does all of that with my kids

[Stumpy0907]

I wish my DM didn't drink as much, she wasn't an alcoholic but when she did have drink she was either completely over the top about EVERYTHING or just flat out ignored us so not to create an argument (which was inevitable when she'd had a drink).


I also wish they had been more 'huggy & kissy' past the age of around 4/5. They were brill in a sense that they never pushed us to do anything we didn't want to do and understood that what we did achieve was our very best but there was never any hugs or kisses. Which has actually made me quite sad thinking about it now.

[GunpowderGelatine]

Mum: I'm still resentful of her reading my diary as a teenager. She lied a lot and could be very snobby and judgemental of other people. I wish she had been less easily embarrassed. She never really talked to me about periods or sex and everything was coated in a massive layer of shame all the time

Are you me?

My mum is so awful and judgemental, especially about women. I hate it when she visits me as if anyone around us in public is anything less than middle class she pulls this snobby face right at them (once because they spoke to their son who was called Kayden) and I have to remind her that I live in this town so STFU and take that look off your face.

[Oldbutstillgotit]

Like another poster I wish my mother hadn’t so openly favoured boys. I am a twin but my DTB died when we were very young and my mother never seemed to have forgiven me for being the twin who lived . She showered my older DB with love and material possessions but always seemed to resent me . She died many years ago but I still feel it .

[craftymum01]

Some really harrowing stories on here. Mine is very mild in comparison but I wish my parents had tried to understand me more. They 'got' my brother, his life choices and his hobbies but they never understood why I had a passion for the creative things in life as they weren't like that themselves. It resulted in them undermining my accomplishments and not taking an interest in the things that were important to me. They have learnt from this though and are much better now I am an adult which I really appreciate.

[Penguin34]

I wish my parents were the grandparents they are!

[bluechinacat]

@Oldbutstillgotit

Like another poster I wish my mother hadn’t so openly favoured boys. I am a twin but my DTB died when we were very young and my mother never seemed to have forgiven me for being the twin who lived.



She showered my older DB with love and material possessions but always seemed to resent me. She died many years ago but I still feel it.

OMG what a sad story. I am so sorry.

[AnonyMousee]

Wish my mum was stricter and tougher on me in my teen years. Now I live with a lot of regrets because she wanted me to 'make my own mistakes'

[toherdoor]

Not died.

[thegreylady]

I wouldn’t have changed a thing about my mum.
I wish dad hadn’t developed MS when I was 10. He was paralysed by the time I was 14 and used to ask me to show him my body. It was totally cringey. He told me it helped him feel better.
I never told anyone and still cared deeply for him. When I was 16 I just refused and he never asked again.
I told my mum after he died when I was in my forties. She was beyond devastated and I wish I had kept quiet.

[Topseyt]

Some really sad stories here.

The only thing I would change about my parents is them being heavy smokers. They were and are very loving parents, but have always smoked heavily.

They are in their eighties now. Still lovely, but still smoking. That won't change now.

[The4thSandersonSister]

I wish Mum & Dad had stayed in the UK rather than emigrate to Australia when I was 7. I left a huge close extended on my Mums side and ended up with a distant, dysfunctional relatives that we went NC with after a year. I've never felt settled here even after 43 years, but moving to England was not an option as I'd miss my Parents too much.

[Ironfloor269]

I wish they didn't believe hitting (with a cane sometimes) is the way to discipline your child

I wish they didn't stifle me and not give me any freedom - I wasn't allowed to go our with my friends, attend parties, just hang out with my pals etc. They didn't SAY it in so many words but they made it a neigh impossible - if I went for a party, I wasn't allowed to get a ride back home with a friend but insisted they come to pick me up. My dad is a bit older so grumbled about having to drive at night etc, which made me feel bad so I didn't go. Come to think of it, they were rather manipulative.

I wish they saw the world through my eyes at least some of the time. My mum didn't like my friends coming to my house so I had zero chance of socialising. She basically didn't see the point of us just hanging out.

I wish they didn't force me to follow my cultural customs and religious practices. As as result, in quiet rebellion I now I don't do anything. I live in the UK and I'm not even aware of the culturally important days anymore. It drives my mom potty and it gives me pleasure watching her.

I wish they didn't favour my older sibling over me. He could do no wrong.

[Ironfloor269]

Oh also, I wish my parents weren't racist and condescending. They brought me up to be racist and condescending. Thanks to my DH, who is the complete opposite, im able to keep myself in check and make sure my DD doesn't acquire any of those traits.

I wish they allowed me to learn to be independent. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere by myself till my late twenties. My dad drive me around or got a family member to do so. I fought for my right to learn driving and once I got the license, I wasn't allowed to drive if either of my parents weren't in the car with me. As a result if my suffocating upbringing, I have no confidence, low to no self esteem, not assertive and am a massive pushover. Theu used to say it's because they wanted to protect me. My mom was perpetually scared of me getting raped and she told me that 'sex is a very, very dangerous thing! Oh and thanks to her, I'm not asexual as well.

To the outside world, my parents are lovely people and most consider them to be lenient parents. But they are a couple if manipulative, selfish, suffocating, judgemental people.

Wow, that was cathartic. Thanks, OP, for starting this thread.

[Ironfloor269]

• now asexual

[Holdmydrink]

It's so interesting reading all these posts. As parents, most of us try our best, but reading these, parents either:
Tried too hard, or didn't try enough
Pushed too hard, or didn't push enough
Were too involved, or not involved enough

Parenting is hard! (Obviously these comments aren't referring to the dickish, and narcissistic parents!)

[Vampiratequeen]

I wish my Dad had put us before his job sometimes, I will never forget my last ever parents evening, granted I was 18, but was so happy my Dad was coming, as it had always been my mum and he phoned on the day to say he couldn't come as he had to work, I sobbed.

I wish my mum wasn't so judgemental and would stop trying to get me to stop organising doing anything in winter as "it might snow". I was born in winter and whenever I wanted to do anything for it, it would be a battle because her mantra was "but what of it snows", she had 2 kids both of us born in winter.