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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you would change about your parents growing up?

118 replies

Pinkbutton85 · 06/11/2018 12:08

I had a shit start to childhood. Mentally unstable mother, she lost custody, fostered before my father was given custody.

It was good, but not great. There are so many things I wish he had done or said.

  • Showed more physical affection.
  • More praise and less criticism
  • Played with us
  • Took us out, anywhere!

I want to reflect and make sure I'm everything my parents weren't for my children.

So I'm wondering what do you wish your parents did more of, or didn't do?

OP posts:
ManonBlackbeak · 06/11/2018 14:19

I wish I'd have been allowed to have my own thoughts, feelings and opinions without being shouted at for daring speak up or disagree.

Mulberry72 · 06/11/2018 14:27

I wish my Dad hadn’t had an affair and left us when I was 13. I supported my DM, DBro and younger DTSis (who were too young to be told/understand) while dealing with how his leaving was affecting me too.

It was horrendous.

He came back after three weeks with his tail between his legs, and at first I was angry, then I was frightened he’d leave again, and then I was just resentful about what he’d put us through and he was just playing happy families like nothing had happened.

I don’t think I’ve ever quite really forgiven him deep down, even after 30+ years.

MissCharleyP · 06/11/2018 14:28

I wish my mum had worked then we could have had money to do more. Most of my childhood was “We can’t afford it” and, the older I got the more “ungrateful” I was deemed when I couldn’t have what my mates did.

I wish they (more my dad TBF) hadn’t put their pride before our happiness. My DGM offered to pay for us to go to Disneyworld but my dad point blank refused. In his world, he should have been the one to pay, if he couldn’t then we didn’t go. He didn’t think how this affected us and how it made us feel.

I wish they’d been less contrary; moaning I was ungrateful and said I should get a job (I was 13). My friends aunt ran a catering company and said that we (me & friend) could have jobs waiting on Friday and/or Saturday nights. My dad said no and it was illegal and “he’d a good mind to report her” and then promptly got me a paper round - working in less safe/comfortable conditions for a LOT less money!

I also wish they’d let me skip the odd day of school; no fines on those days but never taken out for holidays or shopping (as a lot of my friends were).

SugarMiceInTheRain · 06/11/2018 14:34

I wish mine had stayed together and my dad hadn't had an affair. I don't actually think he was better off with my stepmother, just a lot more under the thumb. My parents still get on alright. My mum bears my dad no ill will now, but my stepmother is a very jealous person - my dad wasn't even allowed to cross the threshold of the house when he came to pick us up for weekends etc when I was a child. My sister took their divorce hard, blamed my mum as she was a real daddy's girl, and she really could have done with him being part of her daily life, not just a weekly visit. She is still pretty messed up about it, even though she's in her 30s now.

MrsMouse03 · 06/11/2018 14:39

I wish that had given me more advice and encouragement and that they had been a little less selfish. I guess nobody is perfect but that would have been nice.Ok

InteriorLulu · 06/11/2018 14:42

I wish I was encouraged more academically. Beyond 'do your homework' there was little support...they didn't attend parent's evening and took little interest in schoolwork.

It was the same for all three of us. We all left school with few qualifications and had to go back to college/university as mature students. My youngest sister never went back to education.

So yeah, sorry DD and DS if you think I'm a little bit too interested in your schoolwork. It's better than the alternative.

Oh yes, and I wish my step-dad hadn't taken great delight in humiliation through teasing. He's not so bad now and I can cope with it but when you're 13, socially awkward and struggling with MH issues it's excruciating. Took me years to get over it.

YouBelongHere · 06/11/2018 16:36

Mum - that she'd left my step-dad. She's still with him and he was/still is absolutely vile to me yet nice to everybody else.

Dad - We only saw him once a week and he used that time to take us to the pub where we had to entertain ourselves while him and his partner drank with their mates way past our bedtime. Annoys me because he wouldn't dream of doing that with his grandchildren and makes the effort to play with them/do interesting things with them but didn't really do that when I was a kid.

SuperstarDJ · 06/11/2018 16:41

I wish I felt more valued and supported. I never ever felt like my mother had my back. I wish she had her more loving & affectionate and less critical - my self-esteem really suffered as a result.

After her and my dad divorced, I wish she hadn’t made me feel like I always had to make a choice between them. That I couldn’t have a relationship with them both - that to have a relationship with my mother I too was also expected to hate my dad.

She’s no longer in contact with me or my sibling and it’s for the best.

isseywithcats · 06/11/2018 16:58

i wish my dad hadnt killed himself when i was 9 years old, never got to have an adult conversation with him, got bullied at grammar school wouldnt have happened if he had been alive, wouldnt have left my mom to bring up two of us on her own in an era where she was told keep your kids and work or put them in care, (1960s no benefits like today then) can you tell im bitter

SaucyJack · 06/11/2018 17:08

I wish my Dad hadn’t have been an irresponsible alcoholic who beat my Mum up and then fucked off, and I wish my Mum hadn’t have taken out her disappointment in the stinking shitshow of a life she’d made for herself on me and my brother through bitterness and spite.

Gosh! This thread is quite the therapy for a Tuesday afternoon.

AnonymousIndividual · 06/11/2018 17:15

I wish my parents had encouraged us to brush our teeth and taken us to the dentist for checkups.

I can forgive and forget everything else. Sad

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 06/11/2018 17:35

I wish they hadn't been so over-protective.

stevie69 · 06/11/2018 17:37

Nothing. They never tried to change me Blush

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 06/11/2018 17:38

wow - mine seems pretty weak compared to some of these!

i wish my parents had involved themselves a bit more in my larger education decisions. i wasn't mature enough at 16 to pick the right A-levels, nor at 18 to pick my uni degree. i just went for easy options, meaning that at 6th form, i struggled for motivation because i picked things i thought i was good at, rather than what i enjoyed.

same at uni and as a consequence, throughout my working life so far.

i know they wanted me to make my own decisions, and i understand that. but we didn't talk enough about the consequences of bad decisions at that point.

i'm not miserable now, but i only work to live. i am often envious of people who absolutely love what they do!

with my children, (the older ones especially) we talk often about how important it is to enjoy what you do, as you'll likely be doing it for a long time. i'm hoping they won't end up in a similar situation.

Mummadeeze · 06/11/2018 17:50

I wish my Dad hadn’t made it so obvious that he loved my sister more than me. And that he had tried harder to understand me. My self esteem has always been damaged by this.
And I also wish both my parents had talked to me about self respect when it came to men and about sex, puberty and stuff like that in general. Learning everything from the playground and from predatory men with an agenda gave me a warped view of how I should behave.

goingonabearhunt1 · 06/11/2018 18:10

Wish my DF had been less angry and negative and had let me disagree with him from time to time. And hadn't badmouthed my DM as that was hard to deal with as a child.

Wish my DM had been less oblivious about the ongoing effects of their separation on me and DSis. I kind of feel like she just wanted to avoid the whole thing and didn't understand that for us the drama continued with new stepparents etc. plus the tensions between the two of them, particularly at any kind of holiday/event (which got worse over time).

Those are minor compared to most on here though. Flowers to everyone who has had a tough time.

A580Hojas · 06/11/2018 18:16

I wish my mum hadn't fallen apart when my dad left her and spent the next 20 years in a drunken and depressed fug.

I wish my dad had been more inclusive towards me and my older sibling when he had another young family.

I wish my dad hadn't written me out of his will!

darkriver198868 · 06/11/2018 18:21

I wish my mum had given me up for adoption like she said she wishes she did.

I wish my mum was more emotional available.

I wish my mum had never met my stepfather.

I wish my stepfather hadn't abused me.

I wish my father didn't have schizophrenia.

Bunnyfuller · 06/11/2018 18:24

That telling me off for school reports that weren’t top notch was not the route to academic excellence and that you need to be involved in your child’s schooling.

Completely missed my potential until very late, and too late for the career in medicine I wish I had been able to pursue

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 06/11/2018 18:26

Less shouting, more compassion & kindness

SwimmingKaren · 06/11/2018 18:27

Grew up with an alcoholic mum and a violent father so although I’ve forgiven and forgotten now, they could have done a lot of things better. Grin

The one thing I wish more than anything that they had done for me is given me a bit more guidance in terms of career. I was such a bright kid and aced all my exams then wasted my degree on something really pointless which I have always regretted.

Fridaydreamer · 06/11/2018 18:29

I wish my mum hadn’t died.

But that’s too simple as I ended up with a lovely step mum who I’m super grateful for so I suppose my wish would cancel that out which isn’t good.

It’s a strange convaluted wish.

bringincrazyback · 06/11/2018 18:30

I wish mine hadn't invalidated and criticised me as much as they did.

haverhill · 06/11/2018 18:33

I wish my dad had been able to show affection. I knew he loved us but he was the least demonstrative dad ever.
My mum was/is lovely.

Varmints · 06/11/2018 18:36

That my mother wasn't an alcoholic and they supported my education.