To ask what you would change about your parents growing up?

[Pinkbutton85]

I had a shit start to childhood. Mentally unstable mother, she lost custody, fostered before my father was given custody.

It was good, but not great. There are so many things I wish he had done or said.

• Showed more physical affection.
  
• More praise and less criticism
  
• Played with us
  
• Took us out, anywhere!
  

I want to reflect and make sure I'm everything my parents weren't for my children.

So I'm wondering what do you wish your parents did more of, or didn't do?

[Left]

I wish they hadn't ignored my non- neurotypical behaviour. I wish they had sought diagnosis and support for me.

[IndigoSpritz]

I sometimes wonder why my parents had as many children as they did. I am number seven of seven and it shows. Apparently, there would have been more after me but for doctor's orders. Affordability wasn't an issue but the parenting was stretched too thinly. My mum essentially was the parent, dad was the provider. Perhaps that's why I always had a better, although not perfect, relationship with Mum. One to one with Dad has always felt laboured, awkward and artificial. He's now in the twilight of his years with various health problems and I don't care that much. Brutal but true.

[Rainbunny]

I love my parents and I know they did their best for me and my siblings but the one thing they did that I really wish they hadn't, was to move us all out to the countryside in pursuit of the rural dream. As an adult I can see that both my parents really regretted doing it as well but we were stuck there for years until I went to university and within months they moved back to a town. We originally lived in a nice seaside town with public transportation, many amenities and things to do but then they moved us all to an isolated village with nothing to do and me, my siblings and my parents all ended up being socially isolated. It was even worse because my DF worked long hours and my DM hated driving so me and my siblings almost never got to visit friends after school/on weekends. There was a sport I loved doing and was quite good at that I had to stop because it was impossible for me to get to the nearest town regularly where the nearest sporting facility was located. I basically spent my teenage years stuck in my bedroom bored and lonely, waiting for the moment I could escape. I went from being an extrovert to a lonely introvert during those years. My oldest sibling had the hardest time being stuck and it changed his personality quite dramatically, I do believe that his life could have turned out differently and more successfully is he hadn't have been dragged to a lonely out of the way village where he had no friends and couldn't pursue his hobby (a creative subject).

Looking back it's clear how miserable we all were and don't understand why my parents stuck it out that long. I will never, never do this to my children!

[AiryFairyUnicornRainbow]

wish my mother bothered parenting, went to parents evenings, visited us in hospital
wish we werent put in care or made homeless, or left with peados, because she felt she had done her parenting even whilst we were still children
wish my dad had more balls to do something instead of stand and watch
wish mother was less judgemental and treat any daughters like they were the scum of the earth
wish just sometimes there was dinner in the house, instead of coming home to mother still in bed
wish mother would say less spiteful personal things
wish mother made us feel half way good enough
Less of the emotional shit ''you are going to kill me'' and throwing herself on the floor in tears..if we were naughty
Less beatings with a belt and the long hours of wait til your dad gets home..which contributed to crippling anxiety in childhood that we each carry into adulthood
wish my mother had not been so intent on passing on her pain to us
wish mother did not treat us all like filthbags when we started our periods and examine our underwear
wish my dad had left her, and gone on to find happiness with someone who appreciated him and wanted the same happy homelife he wanted, but didnt have the balls to argue for

[Escolar]

My parents would do anything to help and support me. I wouldn't change anything about them.

[sanityisamyth]

I wish they'd protected me from my psychotic sister trying to kill me most days. I wish that I'd been not neglected and abused so I would have been physically and mentally well enough to go to school every day.

[Taxidrive]

I wish my mum had shown some level of affection. She was always emotionally distant and uninterested in us growing up. I try so hard to be the opposite of her. My dad indulged us constantly so I was overweight and spoilt. Combined the 2 and it was a perfect recipe for mental health probs. I was always jealous of my friends mums growing up!

[Oopsusernamealreadytaken]

Wish my parents could have stayed together or had decided to have children with people who were more compatible.

I wish my dad would give up alcohol, it used to be and continues to cause him endless issues and failed relationships. From him not being able to collect us as a kid, to him being abusive now when drunk. Blames his past which instead of learning from is a victim to and everyone else has to suffer.

I wish my mother was more emotionally available, kissed and hugged more and told me she loved me. I wish she cared more or at the least showed it even if she didn’t. I wish she didn’t. I wish she didn’t leave me to cook for her and my brother (who didn’t go to school) at 13 years old, it effected my schooling. I wish she’d let me invite friends over, and not stop speaking to me for months at a time. I wish she’d been more approachable so I could talk to her about periods, pills etc. I wish she hadn’t taken everything I did in my life differently to her as a massive put down. I wish she’d payed for my bus to college with the money my dad gave to her, instead of buying Botox and fillers with it. I wish she’d not kept my Christmas cards with money in and inheritance for herself when we were growing up. I wish she’d celebrated our birthdays and Christmas as though they were special and not a huge issue. I wish she was happy for me when I announced I was pregnant. I wish she’d been less critical of those around me, especially those who showed me love. I wish she’d cared less about the cleanliness of the house, I was regularly hit and thrown across the room for not adhering to her tidy rules. I wish I’d cut her out of my life far sooner! 6 years free!

Wow, that was therapeutic. All in all, pretty much every aspect of my childhood is everything I don’t want for my children :)

[Zippytydoodar]

I'd make my dad a considerate, caring human being rather than a selfish, thick, idiot. I'd have my mum just as she is now we are adults. As it were, when we were little she was more interested in crappy men, a few of whom she married. She didn't have time for us, like she couldn't be bothered. I longed to have someone care about me which went well into adulthood.

I often think if she was the mum to us as children as she is now we are adults, we'd all be very different people.

She bolloxed it up big time! We're very close now but I can never quite 100% forget.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

My parents didn’t realise I was bullied either
Sent us to a rough as shit school too

That won’t happen to my DC (well the school might - but but the bullying radar is on high alert)

[BombBiggleton]

I wish my mum ( a teacher ) had actually realised how devastatingly bad my school days were, and how badly I was bullied. Neither of my parents did anything to support me, even though it was obvious.

They were not interested in my school life - I was allowed to go to the notoriously bad local school without them even considering having me go elsewhere. They didn't even care when I didn't get any O levels.

I equate my mother to a builder who's own house is falling down and looks like a building site.

My parents split when I was 19 after my father confessed to an ongoing 12 month affair. 30 years later he is still with the 'other' woman, my much loved step mum. My mother is still bitter.

I wish they had split amicably, as it was clear they had grown apart after 25 years together and wanted different things out of life as they neared 50. My mother can't and still wont accept this ( insisting they were perfectly happy until step mum stole dad from her ) . My dad completely changed after he left - for the better - . I regret the 10 years of minimal contact I had with him based on misplace loyalty to my mother. Thankfully we are extremely close now.

Anyway, I have learned how NOT to be a parent from them..probably much more than how to be one.

[Pickupthephone]

I wish they had said something when a creepy uncle would try to grab me at my grandparents house and give me kisses .

Yes. Me too. But why is this so common? I literally can’t imagine not saying anything if some pervert was forcing my teenage daughter to accept unwanted physical contact - even if that pervert was a relative.

[ThistleAmore]

I wish my mother had taken a bit more interest in me as a person, rather than the person she thought I should be. If what I wanted to do didn't very obviously match up with what she wanted, I was on my own.

She was also curiously strict and overly protective in some ways, but totally lax in others, which made for quite a confusing home life with constantly changing boundaries.

My father was a lovely, but passive, man, who, as a commercial mariner, was away most of the time. I would have liked him to be a bit more involved in my life.

I received an ASD diagnosis as an adult which has helped me to explain a lot of what has happened in my life to me. I realise it can't have been easy for my mother, bringing up what appeared to be a rather odd child (no autism for girls in the late 80s/early 90s!), but I wish she had swallowed her pride a little and asked for help. With hindsight and 'ASPDAR', however, I'm fairly sure she is on the spectrum herself (although she would never countenance discussing it or seeking a diagnosis).

I feel as though I've made my own decisions since I was about 13, which is fine in a way, but as I get older, I would have liked a bit more 'person-specific' guidance from my parents.

[Pickupthephone]

I wish my dad hadn’t been an alcoholic and I wish my mum hadn’t been an enabling martyr.

I wish they hadn’t been so controlling and invasive of my privacy - rummaging through my drawers and bags, reading diaries, reading letters, etc.

I wish they’d allowed me to be the person I am rather than the child they wanted.

[TimeWoundsAllHeals]

Got my brother diagnosis and support for his autism instead of brushing it under the carpet while he abused both my mum and destroyed himself.

[IndigoSpritz]

I wish my Dad had been a better parent generally. He was unquestionably a good provider but he seldom seemed to have much time for his children except during school holidays. His weekends were, by and large, spent decorating, DIY-ing or gardening. He also had a nasty temper, a selfish streak and could be in a bad mood for days. And he had his favourites. Mum has been dead for a few years now. She was no angel, admittedly, but I still wonder how she put up with him for over fifty years.

[Biddie191]

So many of these stories are so sad, but many too just seem to be situations, and as Holdmydrink says, just judgement calls which didn't work out.
As a mother of 3, I'm so scared that my children will resent me one day, for similar things - perceived favouritism, being too strict, or too lenient, too pushy..... I think the majority of parents do what they do 'for the best', but aren't always right. At a guess, I think my biggest fault is inconsistency. Sometimes I'll react far more to a situation than at other times, usually depending on my stress levels. I think all we can do is try our best, and try to keep communicating. xx

[Vampiratequeen]

I wish my Dad had put us before his job sometimes, I will never forget my last ever parents evening, granted I was 18, but was so happy my Dad was coming, as it had always been my mum and he phoned on the day to say he couldn't come as he had to work, I sobbed.

I wish my mum wasn't so judgemental and would stop trying to get me to stop organising doing anything in winter as "it might snow". I was born in winter and whenever I wanted to do anything for it, it would be a battle because her mantra was "but what of it snows", she had 2 kids both of us born in winter.

[Holdmydrink]

It's so interesting reading all these posts. As parents, most of us try our best, but reading these, parents either:
Tried too hard, or didn't try enough
Pushed too hard, or didn't push enough
Were too involved, or not involved enough

Parenting is hard! (Obviously these comments aren't referring to the dickish, and narcissistic parents!)

[Ironfloor269]

• now asexual

[Ironfloor269]

Oh also, I wish my parents weren't racist and condescending. They brought me up to be racist and condescending. Thanks to my DH, who is the complete opposite, im able to keep myself in check and make sure my DD doesn't acquire any of those traits.

I wish they allowed me to learn to be independent. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere by myself till my late twenties. My dad drive me around or got a family member to do so. I fought for my right to learn driving and once I got the license, I wasn't allowed to drive if either of my parents weren't in the car with me. As a result if my suffocating upbringing, I have no confidence, low to no self esteem, not assertive and am a massive pushover. Theu used to say it's because they wanted to protect me. My mom was perpetually scared of me getting raped and she told me that 'sex is a very, very dangerous thing! Oh and thanks to her, I'm not asexual as well.

To the outside world, my parents are lovely people and most consider them to be lenient parents. But they are a couple if manipulative, selfish, suffocating, judgemental people.

Wow, that was cathartic. Thanks, OP, for starting this thread.

[Ironfloor269]

I wish they didn't believe hitting (with a cane sometimes) is the way to discipline your child

I wish they didn't stifle me and not give me any freedom - I wasn't allowed to go our with my friends, attend parties, just hang out with my pals etc. They didn't SAY it in so many words but they made it a neigh impossible - if I went for a party, I wasn't allowed to get a ride back home with a friend but insisted they come to pick me up. My dad is a bit older so grumbled about having to drive at night etc, which made me feel bad so I didn't go. Come to think of it, they were rather manipulative.

I wish they saw the world through my eyes at least some of the time. My mum didn't like my friends coming to my house so I had zero chance of socialising. She basically didn't see the point of us just hanging out.

I wish they didn't force me to follow my cultural customs and religious practices. As as result, in quiet rebellion I now I don't do anything. I live in the UK and I'm not even aware of the culturally important days anymore. It drives my mom potty and it gives me pleasure watching her.

I wish they didn't favour my older sibling over me. He could do no wrong.

[The4thSandersonSister]

I wish Mum & Dad had stayed in the UK rather than emigrate to Australia when I was 7. I left a huge close extended on my Mums side and ended up with a distant, dysfunctional relatives that we went NC with after a year. I've never felt settled here even after 43 years, but moving to England was not an option as I'd miss my Parents too much.

[Topseyt]

Some really sad stories here.

The only thing I would change about my parents is them being heavy smokers. They were and are very loving parents, but have always smoked heavily.

They are in their eighties now. Still lovely, but still smoking. That won't change now.