To ask what you would change about your parents growing up?

[Pinkbutton85]

I had a shit start to childhood. Mentally unstable mother, she lost custody, fostered before my father was given custody.

It was good, but not great. There are so many things I wish he had done or said.

• Showed more physical affection.
• More praise and less criticism
• Played with us
• Took us out, anywhere!

I want to reflect and make sure I'm everything my parents weren't for my children.

So I'm wondering what do you wish your parents did more of, or didn't do?

I wish my parents had had me either aborted or adopted. A child needs love and the damage can be permanent if they don't get any love from anybody, even wider family.

I wish my parents had shown me they loved me- hugs , bedtime stories , getting to know me and not just the person they wanted me to be.
I wish they hadn’t hit me so much ,
I was a horrible teenager but I just wanted physical contact and affection.
I wish they’d taken me to the gp when I reached puberty and was obviously just not coping with life .

I wish I had had some activities other than church and Sunday schools .

I wish my dad had went to work outside of the farm that he shared with his brother . His brother was a bastard and didn’t treat us well .

I wish they had said something when a creepy uncle would try to grab me at my grandparents house and give me kisses .

I wish my dad would spend s much talking to me as he does to strangers or friends from church .

I wish they had been more able to help me with big life decisions, I feel like I’ve been on my own since I was a teenager .

I wish my mum had made even a tiny fuss of me when I came home from university for the weekend instead of always having a church event to go to.

I wish my mum loved me as much as she loved her own Mum .

I wish my mum had been a bit more houseproud . We lived in an old cold rundown farmhouse and I never once brought a friend from school home as I was ashamed .

I wish my mum had made me a birthday cake when I was little .

I wish my mum hadn't got MS. It affected all our lives.☹️

My parents have been pretty fab, but looking back on things I think my mum could have:

• been less of a martyr to looking after everyone
• taught me to stand up against bad-tempered people rather than being the peacemaker/compromiser
• been a bit less fatalistic about women's career opportunities when they have families
• taught us her native language (but it just wasn't the done thing then)

My dad could have:

• managed his temper better

Smoking.

Gave me ongoing health problems despite leaving home 20 years ago. Never had much money for fruit and veg, outings, decent clothes or footwear or sanitary protection.
I can remember cutting cupboard to put in the bottom of my holey school shoes to try and protect my socks.

Less shouting, more actually listening to what we were saying.

We weren't always to blame, believing other children who knew you would take their false accusations for gospel and punish us (how could we have smashed that window when we were sitting next to you in church that Sunday?)

Spiteful aggressive temper reserved for us while keeping a calm appearance for the other Church Elders and neighbours. Punishing all of us when one of us "stepped out of line".

It is normal for teenage girls to try make up. It isn't normal to pull the bookshelves off the wall, smash pictures, treasured belongings and rip up books then wallop all your teenage children because of it.

We learned to be quiet because we feared a wallop. Not out of respect.

As parents they sucked. As people - hypocritical, judgmental, aggressive and not people I care to admit to knowing. NC since I was 18 and don't miss them.

Reading this has made me quite sad...I think most parents go into it with the best of intentions and it seems only too easy to screw it up.

There is actually nothing I'd really change about my parents. Maybe a couple of minor things but it's more for them rather than for my benefit if that makes sense. I am still close with them now

I wish my parents hadn't let my brother get away with so much when he was younger because he was rebellious. I was always the scapegoat because I was so compliant and grew up to be massively resentful. Our parents both died young, now we only have each other but in our 40's still don't get along. I can't forget the past. I haven't even seen him this year! I feel if they'd treated us more fairly things would be different.

I wish my parents (and mine now)'s country hadn't been torn by war and they hadn't seen all the suffering that entailed. I wish they hadn't had to leave good well educated jobs to go to the UK and start again.
If they hadn't however, I wouldn't be here now.

I wish they had told me that they loved me.

I wish I hadn't been a young carer. It wasn't their fault they were disabled of course, but I ended up being a young carer, then a teenage carer then an adult carer and then a 40 year old carer. 24/7, 365 days a year.

I wish they had been able to plan for the future and made plans that didn't depend solely on us. I wish they weren't so adamant they would never go into a nursing home. It came at our expense.

I wish they had given us our freedom when we were young. But it only came with their deaths.

I would want my mum to not be obese. I don't remember her doing anything "with" us. I mean she'd be there but she wouldn't join in. It feels unfair saying that as she was my guide leader and came to camp and everything but even then she was just doing the organisy stuff with no energy left to give to the fun!

She is still obese and she's not up to looking after our kids on her own. I'm sure lots of older parents aren't but all of her problems are related to being 10 stone over weight. She has multiple health problems which would improve if she lost weight.

I'm slightly overweight atm but my fitness level is high which is very important to me as I want to join in with my kids...bike rides, go on the swing, trampolining together etc. And when I go to guide camp as a leader I do all the activities too!

Other than that my parents were good at it! I'm so grateful for everything they've done and I always have somewhere to turn. I just wish my mum was healthier (and happier!)

I would have changed my dads very authoritarian style of parenting. He was (and still is) very critical, negative and short tempered, quick to shout and sulk. No opinion but his was valid and even disagreeing about the most minor thing could result in him shouting furiously in our faces. It wasn't all the time and he could be great fun but unfortunately it happened often enough that we never knew what mood he would be in or what might set him off. It's fair to say we were pretty anxious children and his hyper critical nature didn't do much for our self esteem.

It probably goes without saying that I wish my mum had done something about that but to be fair she was a bit like the slowly boiling frog I think . I really would have liked her to be more tuned in regarding our emotional needs (well, both of them but she was the SAHP).

All their focus and energy seemed to go on the practicalities of raising a family and obviously housing, feeding and clothing your dc are a priority but honestly they were pretty oblivious to our emotional well being and our self esteem. I don't think it would ever have occurred to them to wonder how we felt about things much less encourage us to articulate our feelings. I don't remember ever feeling like I could tell them my worries even as a very young child and I certainly never thought I was clever, talented, pretty or anything special at all! They're both a bit better about that now with their adult dc and their dgc.

‘D’F - that he’d actually remembered that he had 2 young children and a wife when he decided to screw around with my DM’s friends (yes plural).

Seeing us every other Saturday from age 4 to 15 does not make a good dad, nor did the constant digs at my DM or injokes with DSM.

We were never made to feel welcome at their house - it was like a show home, no toys, videos, no bedroom for us to stay over.

There continues to be a lack of interest in me, my sister or our children and I question why a) he wanted to be a parent in the first place, and b) why he hasn’t cut contact with us. I sometimes wish he would, it would be easier than having to manage my expectations of him then.

DM - she’s not faultless by no means but she did her best in the circumstances dealing with being a single parent in the 80’s on a very low income (she was a SAHM and had to return to work once F left). I suppose I wish she’d been more ambitious with her job / career and not stopped where she was as it made her unhappy but the opportunities, self esteem and her ambition didn’t help. She’s quirky and we don’t have the closest relationship (comparing to friends’ mums & their close relationships) but compared others on this thread, she was independent, resilient, determined and loving with us whilst growing up. Her parenting was different, and likely would be judged in today’s world, but DSis and I are turned out ok IMO (happy, successful in careers, found good partners, no mental health issues).

I would have made my dad get the mole on his leg checked out so he would have lived longer.

Everything, they were rubbish. 😪

Smoking - the constant chest/ ear/nose/throat infections got to down.
Let me talk to the doctor about periods. I had an obscene amount of flow, pain etc. I remember going for a throat infection and then speaking very quickly with “please help me....” then my mum shutting me down saying “she doesn’t need anything thank you”
Putting me down. Calling me apprentice human being. All the time.
Every time my period was late accusIng me of being pregnant. The sheer stress of my mum telling me my period is due and it should be here stressed them into being late.
Not letting me move out. Making it difficult to move out. She had me paying all the rent and a portion of the bills. Every time I tried to move out she started saying I had to take my bed with me ,anything left will get chucked. “You can’t cope on your own you are useless”.
She kept me at home paying bills so she could feed her 60 a day smoking habit.

Only one thing. My mum just had no real way of dealing with poor behaviour so if we were naughty, we were screamed at. This was rare, but I remember being terrified of getting into trouble. I was never hit, but the shouting was enough.

It’s the one thing I make an effort not to do, and actually get pretty upset with myself for doing it.

I wish my dad had been able to tell us about his sight limitations instead of the various cover-ups he made for most of our childhood. Sadly it took him being knocked over and injured before he was able to face reality.

I actually did have a really happy childhood, and I am best friends with my mum now - who is much more patient with my own children. She was a teen mum and I wonder if having 3 under 5 at 21 was the main cause of it because my parents are amazing people!

I wish they were more approachable and didn't fly off the handle at any minor thing.

My (D)F. An absolute $%&#@&^ who deserved everything he got!!

Nice post @Tunnocks

Nice to be close to your mum. :_

NC for this. Regular user, but this is quite personal and sensitive.

I wish my mum (and the other women in my family) had not constantly favoured boys.

My brother (7 years younger than me) could never do a thing wrong, he never got shouted at or scolded, and he got everything he wanted, and I always got blamed for things he did.

I never even had a gift off my parents for my 18th, but he got a school trip to Italy when he was 12 (only 6 months or so after my 18th,) which cost some £400, in the late 1980's, (so like a grand now.)

He had expensive hobbies that milked the family pot dry, and I didn't have a thing for my 21st either. My dad bought me 40 cigarettes and a bottle of wine, about a week after.

I have 4 female cousins and 3 male cousins, and in the eyes of their mothers (my aunts,) their brothers could never/can never do any wrong either. All 4 of my female cousins are just as irked about it as me. Don't know why, but the boys were ALWAYS favoured by the women in my family. (And I am not from a culture that usually favours boys.)

Even my nan favoured my mum's brother over my mother, so I would have thought she'd have known how shitty it felt. Yet she favoured my brother over me, from the second he was born.

I got on with my brother OK as I know it's wasn't his fault, but I rarely see him now. He lives 80-90 miles away and I see him maybe 2 to 3 times a year. He has 2 kids (teens now,) who I barely know tbh. We send Christmas cards to each other and I send a voucher or money each to the kids, and he sent money for mine (when she was school age,) but me and my brother are not close.

Mother died (and dad did) over a decade ago now. I did love them mum (and dad) and I think they loved me, but mum loved my brother more.

I wanted more than anything than to have a daughter so I could try and forge a wonderful mother/daughter relationship that I never had. My prayers were answered when I had DD in the mid 1990's, and we have always been very close, like soulmates. I made sure she knew, from the second she was born, that she was loved more than anything, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her.

Now she is in her mid 20's she lives 3 miles from me with her boyfriend who I love very much too. She is a well-educated, intelligent, successful young woman, who is brimming with confidence, and knows she is loved very deeply. I have with her what I wish I had had with my mother.

This is a sad thread. So many posters who had cold and detached parents.

My dad was pretty OK, but he was at work or at the pub 80% of the time. When he was at home, we had fun playing cards and board games, and going for walks. But mum was too busy fawning over my brother, complaining about how shit her life is, and criticising me (for nothing,) for me to have any 'fun' with her!